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As you
know, I'm a huge fan of sharks and there's no denying that "Jaws" is
the all-time heavyweight champ of Shark movies, let alone one of the
greatest flicks ever made in general. But what about all of the other
shark attack flicks out there? Sure, there was "Deep Blue Sea"
which at least made a valiant effort to take the genre some place
different. Then again, it also spawned a promotional song by LL Cool J
which included the lyrics, "Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a
shark's fin," thus instantly taking away any shred of credit the
movie might have earned itself.
Still,
Deep Blue was miles above all the other shark attack themed
films in terms of quality. There have been so many bad shark attack
movies since the release of Jaws it's almost impossible to keep track
of them. Some made for TV, others direct-to-video... the one guarantee
you have with these films is that they suck. But while they may stink
like some rancid chum that's been floating in the sea for too long,
there's often quite a bit of unintentional humor that goes with these
bad shark attack flicks. Who can't laugh when they see the helpless
actress swimming in the water, and then it cuts to some stock footage
of sharks from a National Geographic documentary? Or how about the
absurdly bad models and CGI effects that some of the "higher budget"
jaws-ripoff flicks will use? These are the things that chortles and
guffaws are made of.
With
these things in mind, I plan on reviewing many of the bad flicks in a
new series of cheesy shark attack film articles. Today I want to take
a look at a movie called "Great White" - an Italian "Jaws"
rip-off from the early 80's that also goes by the names "The Last
Shark" and "Ultimo Squalo, L" (thanks to Pox for
introducing me to it). This movie was actually pulled from theatres in
the US when Universal hit the producers with a lawsuit because the
movie was so insanely similar to "Jaws" and "Jaws 2". And honestly,
out of all the bad Jaws rip-off flicks out there, none of them are
more blatant about stealing the Jaws concept than this one if you ask
me. While this movie doesn't warrant a full in-depth feature review
article, there are plenty of scenes I'd like to touch on (primarily
the actual shark attacks) because... well, they make me fucking laugh
and that's all the motivation I need to write about it. So let's get
to it, shall we?
The
movie starts off with footage of a windsurfer jetting across the sea
as he does a variety of poses, the best of which easily being when he
awkwardly thrusts his crotch out towards the camera. After time passes
by, we get a shot underwater that moves up to the surfer real quickly
(sans the classic "Jaws" music, guess they didn't have the balls to
rip that part off) and then it cuts to a view of a bite chunk that was
taken out of the board.
Shortly
after, the bad orchestral synth-driven music sets in and the shark
returns for another bite. But this time, it comes up from directly
underneath the board instead at one of the ends. But there's one major
difference between the way this shark attacks and Jaws...
When
this shark attacks, THINGS EXPLODE! I mean that literally. You
don't always see the shark, but you do get to see the windsurfer get
sent flying in the air and there's even a loud explosion sound...
because, you know... that's what it sounds like when a shark hits a
surf board, right? Well anyway, you never see the shark, you just see
the surprised windsurfer guy get pulled under and then the water goes
still. What no blood!? If it was at night like when the girl in Jaws
got attacked I could understand that, but this is in broad fucking
daylight. You gotta at least show some blood in the water. Come on!
Later
on, Quint, I mean... "Ron Hamer" is riding on his boat and finds a
piece of the windsurfer's board. It's clear that he knows that no
ordinary shark did this, it's the work of a great white! It's also
clear (to the viewer) that this is no Quint, this is just some guy
with a bad accent trying desperately to be like Quint (to his credit,
Vic Morrow deserved better roles than this). I would also like to take
this opportunity to note that moustaches were very popular in this
movie. In fact, one of the only guys in the movie without a moustache
is our hero character, Peter Benton (the "Brody" of the film), and he
doesn't die. Perhaps some marine biologists should do a study on
whether moustaches increase a swimmer's risk of being attacked by
sharks. Hey, I'd be all for it. Finally, your tax dollars at work for
a good reason!
With the
big windsurfing race coming up, the town decides to take some
precautionary measures by putting up an underwater fence in the area
where the regatta will take place to prevent any sharks from getting
in. But our shark is just too big to let some measly fence hold him
back, so he busts a sizeable hole in it. However, when he does this,
one of the fence markers apparently gets tangled onto his body, so now
whenever he swims near the surface, you can see a red buoy marker
floating above him. Gee, that's not like the Jaws movies where he's
got the barrels floating above him at all!
Sure
enough, at the windsurfing regatta, the shark appears as we see the
buoy marker ramming into the windsurfers and knocking them into the
water. The security officials realize it's the shark and tell
everybody to get out of the water. Unfortunately, a security official,
who JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE A MOUSTACHE, is about to kick the
bucket. He sees the shark coming straight for him and just as he says
"What the!?", this happens:
Another
shark attack explosion! Only this one is even more ridiculous because
it's so obvious that there's a dummy of our bemoustached buddy in the
boat, rather than the actual guy. Just look at how his arms stay at
his sides the entire time. This combined with the thought of a shark
jettisoning an entire boat up into the air like that makes for some
horrible horror hilarity. Man, I wish I could've seen this movie when
it was in US theaters before it was pulled. That's just one of those
moments you need to see on the big screen in a packed theater.
And hey,
this time we actually get to see the shark, even though they cut away
before you see the moustache man get devoured. It's clearly not as
menacing looking as "Bruce", the shark from Jaws, but still not bad by
rip-off standards.
A little
later, some of the kids from town take a boat out and dangle a piece
of meat in the water in hopes of getting the shark. Well, the shark
does show up and goes for the meat, but what's hilarious is how
quickly the footage changes from day (mechanical shark) to night
(stock footage shark). Don't get me wrong, I love watching real sharks
in action, but when you see them do it in a horror movie like this
where the footage looks completely different, it's just
laughable.
Anyway,
being the idiots that they are, during all of the commotion, one of
the kids gets knocked into the water and has her leg bitten off by the
shark. You see kids? Never try to do the job of somebody who is older
than you. Somebody who is older and who has a moustache. Moustache =
professional. Got it? Good.
Fast-forward through some more stock footage 'n bad acting and we have
the mayor guy hanging from a helicopter. If there's one thing that
people dream about doing in an action movie, it's getting to be that
guy who hangs off the landing gear of a helicopter. But what about
taking it one step further? How about being attacked by a shark while
hanging from a helicopter! That's right, it's time for some leg
chompin' action!
Ok,
Batman did it first (another rip-off perhaps?), but
there's no denying that this scene is still awesome. In fact, it's
pretty much the greatest scene in the entire movie. Not only does it
actually show some gore for a change, but we get to see an obvious toy
model of the helicopter crash into the water shortly after.
Perfection. Way to stretch those budget dollars, boys!
More
time passes and a few more people bite the bucket. Actually, maybe the
people are in the bucket and it's the shark who is biting it, thus
killing all the people in it. Ok, there are no buckets in this movie,
but more people die and it's because of the shark. The most notable of
the people who die later on is Ron Hamer (the "Quint" of this movie),
but he actually drowns underwater from being tangled in a cable as it
gets pulled away by the shark. But wait, he had explosives on him at
the time! I wonder if that could be pertinent to the story! You see
where I'm going with this?
After
the people brilliantly put bait on the end of a pier in an attempt to
catch it, the shark takes the bait out to sea... and half of the pier
with it. Once the people are stranded on the floating pier debris, the
shark starts picking 'em off one by one. First it does yet another
"explosion" attack from underneath the pier and bites a news reporter
in half, then the shark eats a cowboy bounty hunter guy who
thought he could kill it. I guess that's what you get for sending a
COWBOY after a killer creature that lives in the OCEAN.
The best
part about it attacking the cowboy however is how it actually
ROARS
at him before it eats him. What, you didn't know that sharks were
descendants of lions? It's a fact. The shark apparently strips him too
because we see the cowboys clothes hanging out of its mouth.
Peter
Benton then finally comes to save the day. Just as he helps get the
last person loaded onto his boat, Peter gets dragged away on the pier.
Now it's just him versus the shark! But how can he take on this shark
with his bare hands? LOOK!
By some
measure of purely insane luck, Ron Hamer's body floats up to the
surface close enough to the pier debris so that Peter can pull him up
aboard. Keep in mind Ron died a while ago and in a completely
different location, but hey, whatever helps them wrap up the movie,
right? While Ron is dead, his body is still strapped with explosives
and a remote detonator. So Peter does the only thing a hero in this
situation could do: he grabs the detonator and feeds his bomb-rigged
buddy to the shark.
As Peter
watches his friend slowly get chomped by sharky, all the rage that
he's kept buried down below for so long finally bursts out as he
screams with all his might, "DAMN YOU!!!"
Then,
for no apparent reason whatsoever he dives off into the water as he
activates the remote detonator. I guess he was worried that flying
shark guts might hit him if he stayed out of the water? Well anyway,
the shark presumably explodes and Peter has saved the day. I say
"presumably" because that almost completely pitch-black screenshot you
see there on the right is exactly what you see when the explosion goes
off. The only thing I'm able to make out are a few bubbles and some
dark red in there. Sadly, no amount of adjusting the contrast on your
TV can help it.
So there
you have it, the big killer shark of the movie has a death scene that
you can't even see! Wait, I bet I know why they didn't show it. It's
because the bomb isn't what killed the shark it was something else
entirely! I ran this scene through some high-tech imaging enhancement
machines that are far beyond your comprehension so I won't get into
the details about them. The following image is what was uncovered:
That
shark took down many fine moustaches in the movie, it's only natural
that the godfather of moustaches would come get some payback. Give 'em
hell, Tom!
For
those of you who are interested in actually seeing this "Great
White" flick, it hasn't been officially released in the U.S. and
it probably won't ever be so don't hold your breath for that to
happen. You can, however, still find it eBay and other sites that have
import and/or bootlegged DVDs (if worse comes to worse, you can
view most of the movie on Youtube). Definitely a piece of cheesy shark
attack film history that's worth owning simply because of the humor.
And the moustaches. The poster/DVD artwork is great too:
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
No Holds Barred!
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