-RoG- "Known as -RoG-"

-Nat Asevoli "read it backwards"

-Evanderhoëf Rolnichek "Das Fledermaus"

J. SCARDOOCHI: We're here today at Chuck E. Cheese with the new wonder-band "Abbreviated. Life. Expectancy." Hello there chums.

NAT ASEVOLI: Yeah, whatever, I'm trying to eat here.

E. ROLNICHEK: (eating food) Mrhmph mmmm mrumph!

GUY: Hey, can I have more tokens for the video games?

J. SCARDOOCHI: I've heard of you guys a lot lately, but I've yet to hear your tape except for "Yo! A.L.E. Raps!"

GUY: Where the hell did you hear that? We haven't even put that out yet.

NAT ASEVOLI: Aww shit, Rolnichek must have played that for you a while back. That was this pathetic joke song that me and this guy Bubba Jihad Nixon (and some other whitey) wrote as a joke. It's terrible.

E. ROLNICHEK: Yeah I remember playing that song for you, I'm surprised you even rememberd it. Rap is a joke.

J. SCARDOOCHI: Why don't you all tell us a little bit about the band and this tape "Songs You've Never Heard Before".

NAT ASEVOLI: It's a shitty 60-minute tape with a bunch of 4-track songs for a cheap-ass price. Most bands around here put out demos that suck and cost $5. So we put out this joke tape that most people think is fucking hilarious and we only charged a buck for it. We sold all the originals, but that's another story.

GUY: We're basically a comedy band. All we want to do is make people laugh and earn enough money from our tapes to make new tapes. All these bands around here that make these 5-song demos and charge so much are full of shit. We prove this simply by using school computer labs by printing out a nice full-color tape cover. The sound quality varies from complete shite to pretty damned good. So, to the bands that spend hundreds of dollars to put out a demo with horrible sound quality and a weak cover: You are pathetic. The 80 tapes that we've printed so far have cost us no more than 50 bux (which we earn back when we sell them).

E. ROLNICHEK: So yer asking me what it's like to record with these faggots? I tell ya what, it's one of the most irritating experiences in my life. You can't go wrong with this tape, it has a bunch of stupid stuff like parodies of George Harrison's "I've got my mind set on you" and Hootie and The Blowfish. There's also goofy stories about what Mr.T has been up to all these years, Boo-Berry cereal, and tons of other stuff that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

J. SCARDOOCHI: So how many tapes have you guys sold so far?

NAT ASEVOLI: About 40, some of which we gave away...

GUY: Yeah, we sold about 20 of them at this joke show we played at a St. Edwards Battle Of The Bands. We basically rounded up everybody we knew to make the ultimate noise show. We told people there that we were a group that played "big band" music before we went on. We had all sorts of crazy stuff on our set. A Leafblower that caught on fire, a light-up Mrs. Santa Claus, a hornline, and we each dressed up in the stupidest outfits you've ever seen. The noise went on for the full 15-minutes... some people loved it, some just walked away while they covered their ears. Once we stopped playing, we instantly grabbed the mic and started yelling that we had tapes for sale. People thought it was a joke at first, but when they realized we wouldn't shutup about it, they started coming up to us with our money. We threw a couple tapes at people for free, and one kid traded us a Sprite for a tape. So we got rid of all 20 tapes that we had brought with us at the time, which was much more than we expected to sell.

NAT ASEVOLI: Shit yeah, we sold like another 15 or so tapes at that pathetic Marilyn Manson concert at the colliseum. DO NOT think we went there to see that shitty ass band. Fuck no. We got a shitload of people together to go down there and "protest" but we were actually protesting the protesters, to piss them off; as well as protesting the stupid Manson fans and making fun of them. We made all these signs like "God Loves GWAR better", "Kentucky", "Car Wash", "I need a Female Date", and a ton more, I can't even remember. So we were making fun of all these kids and arguing with obnoxious christians and stuff, and we held up the signs and chased people. And this one crazy bitch was inside the colliseum, and she called us up since my friend had my phone number on the female date sign, and left a message on our answering machine and shit. We're gonna put that on our next tape, because I recorded the call. It was a hilarious night, all these slutty girls were flashing us and stuff, trying to be funny, and we tried to get on the news. We got in the camera and were talking shit and yelling and screaming, and we had our tape right in the camera lens and stuff... some little pre-pubescent fat kid even tried to start a fight with me, it was bad as shit. So anyway, after all that, we walked around handing out our joke flyers, and selling tapes. We sold all the rest of the original copies that night. The last one these two kids were fighting over, it was so funny. Stupid bastards...

J. SCARDOOCHI: Well, I'd ask Evanderhoëf what he had to say, but he seems to be preoccupied with that Chuck E. Cheese puppet band over there.

GUY: Yeah, he's always been a sucker for those puppets. Actually, damn, they play much better music than us! I wonder if they'd be interested in appearing on the next tape?? What do you think Nat?

NAT ASEVOLI: To be honest, I'd rather be playing in that big ball-pit over there myself.

J. SCARDOOCHI: So what's going on with the next tape?

GUY: Well, as usual, we were lazy all summer about it. But lately, we seem to have our asses in gear and it's going well. The next tape is going to have much better sound quality since we've become "Masters of the 4-track" after training with some high-tech monks.

NAT ASEVOLI: Yeah, we'd like to get the new tape out soon. I'm sure we'll slack off a little bit. We even had this guy from some ska/punk label in NYC ask us for a demo and a "press kit" and all this goofy shit. So we're going to have a hell of a lot of fun with that and send him some crazy stuff next week.

E. ROLNICHEK: Man, that Chuck E. Cheese band was good. Um, yeah, the next tape... Ultimately, it will be done when it's done. I'm guessing early '98, who cares!? It'll be out around the same time as last year, it's not like it matters or anything.

J. SCARDOOCHI: So what's with this photograph of you guys? It doesn't look that much like you at all.

GUY: Photograph? Oh um, hey, speaking of bears, I'm gonna go get a soda. Uhm, hey! Look at that car out there! It has a severed head hanging out the window! I gotta go check this out! (runs away)

NAT ASEVOLI: Uhh, that picture? Oh, that's....that's REALLY old. I've just got one thing to say: Clevo Style, baby.

E. ROLNICHEK: Oh yeah, the picture, that reminds me. I wanna give a "shout out" to my homey-janks Willie T. out in the S.O.R.K., and my boyz out in the projects of Reeds Landing, Puff McFly and Big-Daddy Porkins.