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ALBUMS THAT SUCKED!
 

Fabio - After Dark

Listen up men, and listen up good. If you want to score with the ladies, the special ladies, there's only one way to go about it. Forget about buying them flowers, chocolates, and expensive jewelry... if you want to open the lock to their hearts, then consider Fabio to be the key. Fabio is a muscular man of mystery. He's larger than life. He can't believe it's not butter. He's one with nature. And most importantly... he is wise in the ways of the international language of love. Sure, you could pick up one of the many, many, many romance novels that he's appeared on the cover of...

FABIOSA!
[click to enlarge]

But if you really want to get into the mind of this Italian inamorato, you need to hear his thoughts on love straight from his pulpy lips. Yes, Fabio recorded an album called "After Dark," and while you may not see it on TRL anytime soon, it boggles my mind why it hasn't become the #1 selling album in the history of the world due to its utter hilarity.

BELLO! BON GIORNO!

Saying "it's so bad it's good" just doesn't do enough justice for this album. You really have to pop it in and listen to Fabio fumble his way through the English language as he tries to sound sexy in a deep voice while sharing his innermost thoughts. Only then will you truly appreciate the absurdity of it all.

Now let's go into more detail about each track and you'll even have a chance to listen to a few of them along the way:

Fabio: About Romance [click to listen ]
Oh yeah! Listen to that pornolicious music! So Fabio wants to share his recipe for a perfect evening between to lovers. But he doesn't pronounce it as "lovers," no he calls them "LAAAAAWVORS". And why? Because that's how you talk when you're sexy like Fabio. "A song can speak for me when I cannot put my feelings into words." In other words, you should have music playing 24 hours, eh Fabio? And can someone tell me just what in the hell is up with that choir that breaks in there at the end of the song with all the "ooohs" and "aaahs"?

Suddenly - (Billy Ocean)
How can I make fun of the guy who brought us hits such as "Caribbean Queen (No More Love on the Run)," "When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going," and "Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car" ? I just can't bring myself to do it. Billy Ocean is the man. That being said, I have no idea why the hell he's on this album. Unless, of course, he stared into those big, wanting eyes of Fabio and fell under his charming spell. It's ok Billy, we've all been there before my friend. We've all been there before...

Fabio: On Inner Beauty [click to listen ]
Sound familiar? Yeah, that's cuz it's the same music as track 1. And you know what? It doesn't even matter. When you have a golden track like that combined with the hauntingly erotic voice of Fabio, there's no reason to steer the vessel of love in another direction. Wait, what'd I just say? Damn that Fabio! I'm under his spell yet again! Just listen to him! Fabio isn't all muscles... "I can be very shy!" You see that? He's got a sensitive, tender side too. "I LAAAWVE to take her any place where I can devohhht all my attention to her." God, why can't it be me that he's talking about? WHY???

Tender Love - (Force M.D.'s)
I think they play this song in church. Next.

Fabio: On Films [click to listen ]
Oh yeah, back to the fabulous Fabio! My friends, we are all students in the University of Lawwwve, and Fabio is the professor. "I waaaaahndor, weeel she kiss me like dat? Weeel I always be de hero awf her life?" Fabio, my nipples are ripe with anticipation. You'll always be the hero of my life. ALWAYS!

Reservations for Two - (Kashif)
You'd think that with a name like "Kashif" that you could do no wrong, yes?
NO. I'll put it this way: Kashif has nothing on Starship.

Fabio: On Tropical Islands [click to listen ]
Stop the press! We have a new musical background! Oh shit, he's busting out the saxophone now! This must be the official "it's time to get down to business" song of the album. "Feesh from dee wator. Froots from dee trees. And waaaaahndorfool silence." The man has a way with words, I feel like I've been swept away to paradise, don't you? "And dee only music is dee music we make togetharr."

Can't Wait Another Minute - (Hi-Five)
You know, these songs in-between Fabio's seductive tracks are officially pissing me off. It's like he has you all to himself, and just when he has you at the height of ecstasy, he puts your mom on the speaker phone.

Fabio: When Somebody Loves Somebody [click to listen ]
Uh oh, we're back to the original music, but Fabio's mixing it up this time. Something's different. Notice how echoic his voice is now? That's right, he's going to sing!! "Eeees STRAAAANGE how I feel! Everything seems so unreal. There is no looking back once you get a LAWWWVE ATTACK. When somebody loves somebody... DESSSSPORATELY!" Ok listen... all written material is hereby inferior to the beautifully crafted poetry of Fabio.

Fabio: On Humor [click to listen ]
Piano and a Tamborine? That Fabio is mixing it up again! And what better track to do it on than a lighthearted one in which Fabio discusses his thoughts on humor! "Dee chiiiiiiiiild in us comes out, and we are free to play ahhnd explore aaanything in our minds or in our hearts." Oh Fabio, you're such a class act, not even mentioning the other places we could spelunk... I mean "explore".

Let's Put It All Together - The Stylistics
No. I'm not even reviewing this song. If it's not Fabio, it's not worth my time. That goes for all material on this site from this day forth. Expect to see the name of the site change to I-Fabio soon.

Fabio: On Surprises [click to listen ]
The piano song again eh? Ok Fabio, it's clear to me that the path to being a true LAAAWVOR is not scripted. It's completely random. Your thoughts on surprises only drives this point home. "I like nawthing bettor than to surprise my lady weeth a plane teecket, and a toothbrush, and her bikini." Wait a minute, what exactly are you going to do to her with those three things? You lost me Fabio! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'M LOST WITHOUT YOUR WISE WORDS TO WOO THE WOMEN!

Maldive Sunset [Instrumental]
Oh yeah, the instrumental version of the saxophone song for us to get our groove on with. And at a whopping 4 minutes, we'll be able to do it twice!

Fabio: On Slow Dancing  [click to listen ]
"I want to hear her say 'YES!' I want to kees her for a very, VERY long time. I can't help myself. All I want to do is touch her." Fabio, your words make me melt like the pseudo-butter you promote.

Songbird [Instrumental]
Sorry babe, I don't have enough love potion in me for another instrumental.

I Like You, You Like Me - Barry White
I guess they just threw this song on the album for the few of you who might worry that the soothing voice of Fabio wouldn't be quite enough to "set the mood" for you and your lady. For shame. You must trust the Fabio.

Fabio: Ciao [click to listen ]
Yes! Way to treat us to that porno music once more before the album ends! This basically is Fabio explaining how he leaves behind his naked, quivering ladies and ventures out to find another victim of his LAAAWVE ATTACK. Fabio is simply too much man for just one woman to love.
"CIAO BELLISSIMA!"

In conclusion...

One listen to this album will make your lady remove her clothes without question. She'll crave your manlove for days on end until you no longer have the strength to unsheathe your lance just one more time. And when she tells all her friends about how you rocked her world, you'll have just one man to thank...

WHAT A GUERRIERO!
GRAZIE FABIO! GRAZIE!

Questions? Comments?
Email -RoG-

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