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The Doritos X-13D Flavor Experiment

The Doritos Flavor for the X-Files fan!

I don't know why, but I always get somewhat excited when I see a new flavor of Doritos unexpectedly hit the shelves. While their most recent flavors didn't really wow me at all, there's still the hope that forthcoming flavors will be as good as Fiery Habanero or Cool Ranch. So when I saw this mysterious Doritos X-13D Flavor Experiment black bag I was instantly drawn in. Damn those marketing people who know how to wake my curiosity by jabbing it with a red hot poker.

With the X-13D Flavor Experiment, Doritos is apparently having people taste the new flavor so that they can name it. They have given us a tasting notes clue: "All-American Classic". With this, they want you to go to to receive additional instructions. This then points you to

When you get there, they act like you've just found some underground government operation with ambient noises and transmission glitches abound. You can access the "Clue Generator" which is actually just an exaggerated version of the "match the shapes with the corresponding holes" game that infants play in their formative years. Then you have to match up some tubes so the mysterious clue can travel through the mechanical ducts. And finally, you have to press some buttons in the correct order to finally unveil what the extremely obvious flavor is:

The Doritos Flavor for the X-Files fan!

You know, if they had made it some kind of space-age flavor or something, I might've been able to see the reasoning behind this campaign. But Barbeque? That's about as non-technological as you can get. It's meat & fire, not Men in Black. And honestly, it's not like you need to go through all this silly shit on the web site to figure it out. The chips taste just like barbeque. Well, more accurately, they taste like a combination of barbeque and ass. Plus if you read the ingredients after tasting it, it's kind of obvious since it has artificial BEEF flavoring.

I can't help but laugh my ass off at this because... it's a snack chip. A snack chip for chrissakes! They're trying to make it out to be an episode of the X-Files when it's an advertisement for a snack chip. The more I look around, it seems almost like some kind of cheesy (no pun intended) attempt to capitalize on Nine Inch Nails' highly successful guerilla marketing campaign for Year Zero.

It gets better though, because on their site they have some fake commercials for you to fill in the dialogue for. You simply call the 800 number with your phone and then it allows you to record your special voiceover for the commercial and then share it with your friends. Here, take a look at mine. It's guaranteed to be the greatest commercial you've ever seen:


I expect to be receiving an Oscar nomination in the mail any day now. And yes, I did record a very special voiceover for the alternate version of the commercial that they provided too. You can check that special alternate version here.

In the end, since the chips tasted like barbeque and ass to me, I decided to submit my name for the new Doritos chip flavor:


So what do you think? Will I be the lucky winner?

NOTE: if any of you record a Doritos commercial, feel free to post the link to it here in the I-Mockery Blog. (You'll have to email it to yourself first in order to get the link)



Magic Flyin’ Lemur (Guest) on 06/05/2007 8:48 pm

Hah! Agreed; "Asseque" is a perfect name for it. When I tastes them my first thought was "Ass dipped in mustard and relish?"


Jesse B (Guest) on 06/05/2007 9:03 pm


Its more like a Big Mac.


Courtney (Guest) on 06/05/2007 9:13 pm

i agree, tasted just like McDonalds. my friends at our barbeque kept joking that they didn't want any food from us because they had burgers already. not funny.


Fathom Zero (Guest) on 06/05/2007 9:19 pm

You made the guy sound like he was eighty.



willie (Guest) on 06/05/2007 10:16 pm


S (Guest) on 06/05/2007 10:51 pm

Black packaging only makes me think of Fukk Cola.


Teh Drew (Guest) on 06/05/2007 11:31 pm

I don't know why, but that alternative commercial made me laugh for, like, five minutes. I guess I'm just easily amused...


action bastard! (Guest) on 06/06/2007 3:01 am

Those doritos are nasty ass hell they taste like a jumbo jack or something.


Toby (Guest) on 06/06/2007 6:44 am

Actually the flavors Cheesebuger not bbq.

There are more clues if you carry on playing them and they all point to cheeseburger especially that taste which tastes exactly like mcdonalds and makes me feel sick.


NinjaRygar (Guest) on 06/06/2007 7:11 am

I'm pretty sure your commercials have been deleted. Too bad, I wanted to see them too!


-RoG- (Guest) on 06/06/2007 9:36 am

NinjaRygar, nah their entire site appears to be down right now, just give it a try again later on and I'm sure it'll be back up online.


Lone Wolf (Guest) on 06/06/2007 4:41 pm

I know that WrestleCrap Radio cohost Blade Braxton said they tasted like a Big glad I'm just avoiding them. It would have been better if there was like, x-17a through d and dispersed them around the world at random so people who thought they were getting cheeseburger chips would wind up with, like, pineapple or something because they didn't look at the letters carefully enough.


Andy (Guest) on 06/06/2007 4:45 pm

Me and my dad tasted some of that stuff, we both thought it tasted like Jalapeno mixed with pig vomit.


-RoG- (Guest) on 06/06/2007 5:33 pm

Weird. I'm not tasting cheeseburger from these things like many people are saying... it just tastes like a bad barbeque chip to me.

Lone Wolf, I wouldn't be surprised if they do more of these promotions for future flavors. Let's hope so cuz I want to do more commercial voiceovers!


doctor dumbass (Guest) on 06/06/2007 5:38 pm


that is all.


ElSingario (Guest) on 06/06/2007 7:33 pm

Bah, the videos are still down. I really want to see yours, Rog.

And as for Transformers...I'm more upset that people keep putting Shia LeWhatever in movies.


Connor (Guest) on 06/06/2007 9:18 pm

ASSEQUE. If they came right out and named their chips that, I would have to buy them regardless of their flavor. I would consume them with a twinkle in my eye and a grin on my face, waiting, waiting for some unsuspecting fool to ask me what kind of chips those are because I look like I'm consuming cocaine orally.


tragichero (Guest) on 06/07/2007 7:07 am

haha, im eating a bag right now! i first thought they tasted like dill pickle. but yea, its a cheeseburger.


Supafly (Guest) on 06/07/2007 7:15 am

It tastes like a normal cheeseburger to me. You could taste dill relish, the cheese, and that desgusting artificial hamberger flavor that is in 7-11 meat.


tragichero (Guest) on 06/08/2007 7:03 pm

hey -RoG-, not sure if you know about this site yet, but cinemageddon has tons of horrible b-movies. can go wrong with movies like nudist colony of the dead, cheerleader ninjas and jesus christ vampire hunter!


Steve II (Guest) on 06/08/2007 9:23 pm

Yes, it's working! I've been waiting for two days to see this again.

"I'm an idiot!"


Aks (Guest) on 06/09/2007 12:54 am

The second one was awesome.

Im not trying those nasty things. I could get cancer.


MEK (Guest) on 06/09/2007 2:30 am

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I just saw them both! I prefer the second one, man, that was awesome!


MROTD (Guest) on 06/09/2007 10:33 am

Your voice over reminded me of Gandolf. I would like to see Gandolf in a Dorito Commercial.
RUN YOU FOOLS! To the great taste of Doritos!


ColdFusion (Guest) on 06/09/2007 2:37 pm

Roffle because they were burned sometimes. Especially in that stupid short story they made us read in literature class. Dude even said it smelled like barbeque.


jas (Guest) on 06/09/2007 6:31 pm


jas (Guest) on 06/09/2007 6:57 pm

For some reason, the sound didn't come through on one of them so here it is for your enjoyment again.

(Like I said, too much time...)


Tim (Guest) on 06/09/2007 11:04 pm

Funny, when I bit into the first one, I said, "hmmm, clearly, Frito Lay felt we needed a bowl of mustard flavored chip" Then I threw away the rest of the crappy bag of crap and had some pretzels.


Tim (Guest) on 06/09/2007 11:09 pm

Oh, and someone (preferably better than I at voice impersonations) should do the infomercial with the voice of the Swedish Chef.


Steve (Guest) on 06/09/2007 11:19 pm


Steve (Guest) on 06/09/2007 11:27 pm

And per Tim's request... here's one with the Swedish Chef. I kind of broke character at the end... but sue me.


Kitty (Guest) on 06/10/2007 1:03 pm

I think I know that one...

It'sa the swedish chef from the muppet show.
And I'm from sweden.


DOOMbudgies (Guest) on 06/11/2007 1:22 am

Cheeseburger. Bleh. Who needs a tortilla chip that tastes like a cheeseburger?


Bossman (Guest) on 06/11/2007 12:12 pm

they taste like mcdonalds cheese burgers you can even taste the ketchup, mustard, and onions - freaky really how close it is actually


Scorpio420 (Guest) on 06/12/2007 1:33 am

After tasting the new Doritos X-13D (which tasted exactly like an AM-PM cheeseburger), I tried to get the smell out of my hands by scratching my nuts. It didn't work. Somebody help me!!!


Teros (Guest) on 06/12/2007 11:46 am

First ad was funny, second ad was not


monkeyZ (Guest) on 06/12/2007 4:23 pm

Yeah I did it but when I gave them my E-mail they didn't send it to me


branson (Guest) on 06/12/2007 4:32 pm

I actually think it's cheesburger. It has dill pickle flavor in it and my clue was "french fries". Cheeseburgers are more of an "American Classic" then steak is.


Nicholas (Guest) on 06/12/2007 5:56 pm

My versions of the ads:

Commercial #1

Commercial #2

The second one was hard to do because the best humor comes from deadpan acting, and he was already acting so silly. So, I decided that the best way to go about it was to completely change the context.


Ryan (Guest) on 06/13/2007 2:03 am

I dunno man. Like yourself, I was drawn into this marketing ploy as well. I thought it was going to taste like government cheese like the package presents itself as. It tastes good after several, horrible, malt liquor beverages though.


Anonymous (Guest) on 06/17/2007 8:25 pm

Tasted more like a cheeseburger with pickles to me. :/


SHiotsburglar (Guest) on 06/19/2007 1:26 am

kinda gave me the shits on the real. took me forever to put my finger on that flavor. but our lays vendor at the store finally let the cat out of the bag


ShadowNinaj (Guest) on 06/21/2007 1:15 pm

well look at it this way Rog. If you dont win at least you have a bag of ummmm well empty chips BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!


Shiv (Guest) on 06/25/2007 4:14 pm

For some reason, I can't get the videos to come up. :[[[


smoe (Guest) on 07/22/2007 11:41 am

as you know some of the ingredients listed are ketchup, mustard, pickle and beef flavoring so of coarse it taste like a mcdonalds cheeseburger. ALLRIGHT! BURGER IN A BAG! YEAH BABY! talking about fast food huh! he he he! And as far as the barbeque and ass-how do ya know what that taste like?

User avatar

Count Mek on 05/26/2008 8:45 pm

Shame that site is down now, I wanted to see those awesome commercials you did =(


mike wrotch (Guest) on 06/05/2008 1:37 am

:( mee too


Flaret (Guest) on 10/10/2011 2:34 pm

okay, how is "all american classic" , barbeque? Its obviously Cheeseburger..

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