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Sexy Email Time.

oh baby

My work email server keeps getting bombarded with spam emails about how I can enlarge my cock or give myself more stamina in the sack, and nearly every morning I have a new email waiting for me with a list of items that have been filtered out. Since some of these names are just classic, I've decided to share them here:

FatDickRaphael
MauricioShlongBroad
KimberlyJumboShlong
FredDickMan-sized
CockCapaciousLenora
GiantPenisMandy
CockKing-sizeAubrey
ErectileorganProdigiousJackie
DannieImportantCock
SeymourSignificantPhallus
MarjorieThumpingPhallus
SandraWidePenis
BodypartKing-sizedBrianna
DickSuperNorberto
CamilleHumongousCock
ShermanPenisBouffant
MaySizeablePhallus
SidneyRangyPhallus
BodypartVoluminousFoster
DickVastKenny
DominiqueBiggerCock
ErectileorganHumongousLakisha
AngelPhallusOverlarge
RockyOutsizeErectileorgan
MaryanneBulkyBodypart
MarcusImmensePenis
TitanicPhallusClarice
CockEnormousRico
CockTitanicGeorgia
PatsySpaciousPenis

I can't decide which one is my favorite, but I think it might be ShermanPenisBouffant. Something about that just screams "style and sophistication". Then again, MaryanneBulkyBodypart sounds kind of mysterious. I mean, she could be talking about anything, really. It could be a giant penis, but it could just as easily be a rather sizable left elbow. DannieImportantCock almost sounds regal or presidential in scope.

I'm not too sure about PatsySpaciousPenis though. I think you'd be hard pressed to find any gentlemen out there who desire to have more "space" inside their penis. And you don't often hear many guys boasting about how "roomy and open" their junk is.

And what's with all these names attributing gargantuan male sex organs to females? Is there a large market for transsexual or hermaphrodites in viagra or something?

37 comments

User avatar

Jaimas on 01/22/2008 11:34 am

You know, I had wondered about this myself. I feel the need to contribute, so here's a few from my Emailbox.

MightyWeinerLad
WilhelmThickShaft
SwollenMemberJess
BigDickDan

...The fact that I did not notice this sooner is something I'm kicking myself for, because it's hilarious.

Mind you, when I was but a neophyte denizen of this old Internet, I used to, occasionally, mark down the source of the spams, and then cut loose with a proxy barrage. Back in the days before mass-proxy assaults from companies, this was a fairly effective form of counterattack. I can only imagine what their databanks looked like when they got a ton of emails saying:

"DEAR SIR OR MADAM:
WHILST I AM APPRECIATIVE OF YOUR CONCERN, I AM COMPLETELY SATISFIED WITH THE DIMENSIONS AND PERFORMANCE OF MY PENIS.

...OUT OF COINCIDENCE, SO IS YOUR WIFE AND/OR DAUGHTER IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (AND I THINK YOU DO)."

Ah, Internet, how I love ye.



User avatar

wobzire on 01/22/2008 11:44 am

There is a large market for ANYTHING these days. Transsexual or hermaphrodite Viagra addicts are most definitely not the worst of it.



User avatar

-RoG- on 01/22/2008 11:55 am

I would just like to take this opportunity to thank Protoclown for singlehandedly attracting every spambot on the web to our site. This latest blog post has just about every keyword those bots crave.

I-Mockery Moderators: TO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS!



User avatar

CarpetGnome on 01/22/2008 12:04 pm

I once got this:
"Ask me about my pocket rocket"

Can't get over that one.



User avatar

argonath on 01/22/2008 12:23 pm

MaySizeablePhallus light your path.

-TorchDickTed



User avatar

The Mighty Pinto on 01/22/2008 12:43 pm

Maybe M.U.S.C.L.E. will see all those names and start some weird crossover toy line based on those spambot names. On second thought, maybe that's not such a good idea. I don't think any parent wants their child playing with a penis-shaped wrestler with a name like "LordPhallusMaximus" or something like that.



User avatar

umop apisdn on 01/22/2008 2:48 pm

DickSuperNorberto is my all-time favorite super hero.



User avatar

Max Burbank on 01/22/2008 2:56 pm

Laugh all you like. The stuff they are selling works. My rig is now three feet long and weighs in at one hundred and twenty seven pounds.



User avatar

Mockery on 01/22/2008 5:09 pm

You can dress it up with all the fancy words like "rig" that you want, but a 3-foot-long, 127lb tumor is nothing to brag about, Max.



Guest

Misty (Guest) on 01/22/2008 5:26 pm

I use to get spam e-mails like that all the time without ever registering my name anywhere. ....And I'm a GIRL. And Viagra and enlargement junk wasn't the only mail I got. I also used to get all sorts of e-mail for "live hot free girls" and "sexy girl fucks horse" and "girl on vacuum watch now", ect. o_O;



User avatar

Pentegarn on 01/22/2008 5:49 pm

I think these products promising a bigger penis are boring. I want a product that promises to shrink all parts of my body except my penis so it will LOOK bigger.

Why do things the easy way when I can needlessly complicate things and scare my friends and family?



User avatar

Albino Bat on 01/22/2008 6:42 pm

ErectileorganProdigiousJackie was definitely my favorite, hands down.



User avatar

plooker on 01/22/2008 7:41 pm

Max is right. My penis is now so big it takes three fat women and a team of Clydesdale's to jerk me off.



User avatar

Invisible on 01/22/2008 7:43 pm

"PatsySpaciousPenis"

Hmmm...

InvisibleSpaciousPenis...Dude! I may just have to change my screen name!!!



Guest

Bucket (Guest) on 01/22/2008 7:57 pm

I had one at work that had the subject "Turn your trouser mouse into a monster!"

A lot of these names sound like the nicknames that Tom Servo and Crow were giving to the hero in the MST3K episode where they spoofed Space Mutiny.



User avatar

Nktalloth on 01/22/2008 8:15 pm

I don't have any notable names... but I did once get the very best spam subject:

Strawberry flavored soul

TO this day, I have no idea what it was trying to sell, but I still love it's subject.



User avatar

Kateus on 01/22/2008 10:10 pm

I continually get spam...usually Russian spam, or badly spelled spam, offering me VIAGRAMA, VLAGRXA or my birthright PHARMAVCXY (?).
But my favourite is from mary jones (yes, no capitals), with the subject title:

I WILL HELP

It's either the capitals, or the offer of indiscriminate help from someone I don't know.



Guest

Atari (Guest) on 01/22/2008 10:25 pm

What I want to know is where, exactly, are we all putting our emails to get them forwarded to porn sites?
I have the feeling that they have bots scouring the internet for email addresses, and it puts each one on a list-- permanently.
Then just keeps shooting off emails about getting a larger penis in hopes that one day we'll just buckle and buy their product.

I, for one, want to all the pleasure, forget the girl; so what's the point of making my penis bigger? To satisfy the female? Forget that mess! I don't want another inch between me and climax.



User avatar

Dungeonbrownies on 01/22/2008 10:27 pm

the way theyre peddling it youd think people are freebasing the stuff



User avatar

JediScum on 01/23/2008 1:00 am

Though I was sure I didn't require such "supplements", I tried one once.

After 2 weeks, I still had my length (6") but it was only an 1/8th inch wide.

Rereading the package, it said "Male GIRTH Control"!!!

Ba-doom-tsssh!



Guest

mlvassallo (Guest) on 01/23/2008 1:02 am

These will be my new character names every time I roll a new toon in any MMO.



User avatar

Angryhydralisk on 01/23/2008 1:17 am

These ads crack me up, especially the Enzyte ads. Hell, they just now started using cheesy metaphors.



User avatar

Purple Man on 01/23/2008 1:44 am

ShermanPenisBouffant is my favourite. I imagine an extremely camp and rather scary ACW general with spectacular facial hair.



User avatar

Oska_Go_Wilde on 01/23/2008 2:30 am

I spit out my dinner whilst reading this. Do they have like, one of those name generators? "Use the third letter of your first name to..." You know.



User avatar

uncle on 01/23/2008 7:30 am

My favourite one that i ever got had the subject line:

"Tired with weak penis?"

Naturally, I bought their product, and now instead of a puny penis, I have a Soda Popinski-esque column of sheer eastern european might in my pants.



User avatar

Count Mek on 01/23/2008 9:12 am

KimberlyJumboShlong? Wow.
Also, sucks that every spambot known to man has zeroed in on you guys, who knows? Maybe you'll get some more awesome names out of it.



Guest

MrP (Guest) on 01/23/2008 4:14 pm

"TitanicPhallusClarice" sounds like something out of a demented Dr. Seuss story. Titanic Phallus Clarice Cleans a Clown's Clothes.



User avatar

incognit000 on 01/23/2008 5:10 pm

Randomly generated names are always epically hilarious.



User avatar

xscoot on 01/24/2008 5:14 pm

I just got one advertising wiiagra. Enhancer, or indecent wii game? You decide!



User avatar

Ozzie on 01/25/2008 7:06 am

I'm gonna have to say that SeymourSignificantPhallus is the best, just because it's a standalone joke of its own. It's the Seymour Asses of the iPod generation.



User avatar

Great Mighty Poo on 01/25/2008 7:07 am

Egad! What Wii remote motions would be involved in that one? Sounds like a dirty sequal to "jungle beat", wink wink.



Guest

tasakeru828 (Guest) on 01/26/2008 7:30 pm

I think the best one has gotta be "ErectileorganHumongousLakisha".

I think the weirdest spam I ever got was in high school, three months after I got my first e-mail address. The subject line was "I'm having your baby!" Considering I was (and am) a virgin geek, I thought that was pretty impressive.



Guest

The_Funktasm (Guest) on 01/27/2008 4:18 am

DickSuperNorberto is the best one. Oh wow. I only get generic names.



Guest

Aeq (Guest) on 01/27/2008 8:10 pm

I like BodypartKing-sizedBrianna, it sounds like a cannibal McDonalds meal. Would you get fries with that one?



Guest

Al (Guest) on 01/29/2008 12:13 pm

"FatDickRaphael" makes me think of Ninja Turtle porn ...



Guest

Peppy (Guest) on 01/30/2008 6:21 pm

I got this VI4RGARA e-mail promising "A ROCK HARD ERECTION FOR SIX HOURS". I almost bought it, but then figured the ten extra minutes really weren't worth it.



Guest

Fuschia (Guest) on 04/20/2016 7:50 pm

tfw you never checked the names of the people sending you viagra spam 8 years ago



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