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In Which I Reveal My Failed Pornographers Past

A 'Brand Max Burbank' Comic

Gentle reader, a confession.

A few years ago, for about eight months, I drew a comic strip for Hustler magazine. It was called ‘Angry Darcy’ and featured a caustic young woman talking about things and people that made her mad. At no time did she remove her clothes, frolic in a garage with another woman and/or man dressed as an auto mechanic or insert a single foreign object into any part of her body. This could explain why I was eventually fired, but management never asked me to make the comic any dirtier. In fact they didn’t ask me much at all. Editorial feedback was limited. They asked that all words be of a uniform font and size. In my original submission, font size varied according to how loudly or quietly Darcy was speaking. Once they asked that I remove a joke they either didn’t think their readers would get or didn’t find funny. A number of times they asked that drawings of actual people be redrawn to look more like those people. I tried to comply, but found this part difficult, as I worked directly from photographs, and they never commented on what way they felt a given drawing didn’t look like the person it was supposed to be. I think I made four different drawings of Scooter Libby at one point. This was very early in the Plame scandal, and as Scooter was a fairly secretive man, there were only three photos of him I could find to work with. It’s possible that if I had drawn Scooter having congress with Darcy in a position not achievable by any but the most dedicated contortionist they might have found the resemblance improved. I don’t know. While I was more than happy to be paid by Hustler, (and they paid quite well), it just didn’t feel like the sort of thing Darcy would do.

I had no contract and worked issue to issue. One day my editor told me he was sorry, but they weren’t going to use the one I’d just sent, and they didn’t want any more of them. There were no hard feelings. He’d always been honest with me and quite clear that our arrangement might come to an end at any time. While I certainly miss the money, and thought the comic was good, those eight months did not help, or for that matter in so far as I know, damage my career. Frankly, I don’t know if anybody read it. I am amazed that monthly print pornography survives at all in today’s Internet based media paradigm. No search engine has turned up the faintest whisper that ‘Angry Darcy’ ever existed. They will now, but only this.

For quite a while, ‘Angry Darcy’ was my dirty little secret. Only a few select people knew. One doesn’t want it bandied about that Larry Flynt paid for one’s Daughter’s new sneakers. But the fact is, no one cares. Dirty magazines, and when I was a boy Hustler was the dirtiest, are quaint antiques now, even the latest issues sitting behind the counter at 7-Eleven. By the time my generation dies I imagine they will no longer exist. Sad to think of Hustler (to my mind, the least erotic of the popular porn mags) like the American Bison, once so proud, so numerous, now stumbling toward extinction. I was briefly, at the bitter end, a tiny part of the herd.


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Pentegarn on 01/31/2008 5:34 am

You make a pretty good point. How DOES the skin rag industry stay afloat in this day in age?

Other than Playboy, which does actually have articles, some of them even engaging, there isn't anything there that you couldn't get on the internet for free.

Oh well, it isn't my problem, though it is puzzling.

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Ozzie on 01/31/2008 7:13 am

Will any of these Angry Darcy comics ever make it onto I-Mock? They sound pretty cool.

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Ronin S on 01/31/2008 9:01 am

Diversification. Hustler probably has adult stores everywhere, not necessarily in their name though.

I read playboy hardly even bothers with the magazines in North America, but they sell well in other parts of the world. However, I see their logo on every piece of 10$ t-shirtesque crap now going for 30$ at Spencer's.

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thecatillaccat on 01/31/2008 9:22 am

Merchandising, merchandising! Where the real money is made!
Yogurt was talking about movies, but still.

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wobzire on 01/31/2008 10:24 am

I cant believe your a cartoonist too! What elese have you done? More importantly where can I find it?

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mburbank on 01/31/2008 10:54 am

Well, there's a number of my comics here on I-mock. In addition, you can check HERE for a comic I did.

National Lampoon ran some of my stuff back when they were buying original material, but I'm not sure that stuff is even on line anymore


Jigby Huggletinks (Guest) on 01/31/2008 11:14 am

I second the notion; if you still have any of the comics, and it's within your legal abilities, I'd love to see some of them show up here.

Or better still, make new ones!

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mburbank on 01/31/2008 11:24 am

I own the concept and character of Angry Darcy, but the strips themselves belong to Hustler.

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Colonel Flagg on 01/31/2008 8:21 pm

This sounds like a job for "BRAND MAX BURBANK!!"

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greenimp on 01/31/2008 10:07 pm

does anybody actually buy those mags anymore?


Keith (Guest) on 01/31/2008 11:43 pm

What other abilities do Max Burbank possess?

-Can he touch his toes?

-Does he read monkey minds?

-Can he detach his thumb?

-Does he write haikus? Preferably the naughty variety?

-Can he consume his body weight in zebra urine?

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mburbank on 02/01/2008 10:21 am


only with the zebras consent

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rizzo on 02/01/2008 2:22 pm

"In addition, you can check HERE for a comic I did."

Great stuff!

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Dungeonbrownies on 02/01/2008 4:17 pm

that is amaziing max.
you have quite some credentials then. its like,
"what do I do? oh, i used to write for hustler but now im published on a more international media."
i did try to search it and youre right, nothing shows.
have you thought of opening your own site
[its free from google]
linking to your own sites
[made from journals]
and signing hundreds of advert contracts?
you split them onto different pages
and pretty soon youll be making
30 or 40+ cents a reader steady
[with alot of readers that's more than you think]

User avatar

mburbank on 02/01/2008 4:21 pm

I'm far to technologically stupid to do that. I need a slavishly loyal assistant to promote my work. I'm actually looking for a literary agent, but so far no bites.

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Count Mek on 02/02/2008 1:58 pm

Hey! That's a shame you were "let go", but if you can do it once you can do it again!
Also, sweet comics in that link.


homor (Guest) on 02/04/2008 1:48 am

it'd be cool to see you remake some of those comics for the site.

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Fekupuzi on 02/06/2008 12:36 am

When did they stop publishing your stuff again? I dimly recall flipping through a friend's Hustler and doing a double take on angry Darcy maybe 2 years ago.


Stinko (Guest) on 02/07/2008 1:46 pm

Old men still buy lots of porn mags. They're too ascared of computers to get on the Internet, so they still buy porn the old fashioned way. Also, isn't most porn in the US a big money-laundering operation for the Mob? I read that on a Something Awful forum, so don't take it to the bank.

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beatpole on 02/10/2008 12:29 am

With teeny boppers like miley cyrus posting dirty pictures of themselves on myspace, Disney may soon dominate the porn market as well, try cmpeting then.

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Geminate on 02/10/2008 7:15 pm

Making all pornographic materials illegal would be progress in making a better country. People actually having 'relationships', leading to children equaling families. There is far more satisfaction and money to be made in 'reality'.

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