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Mallow Fries: Candy Or Abomination?

Damnit! These just make me want real fries...

As I was wandering through my local CVS the other day, I noticed they had a new section of candies near all of their "get ready for summer!" crap. While the allure of new flip-flops and a rainbow-riddled beach towels would probably prove to be too strong for most people, my eyes were already locked on these marshmallow monstrosities. Kandy Kastle is a company that clearly knows how to bend marshmallows to their will. If they wanted marshmallows to take on the form of a fully functional German zeppelin, I'm pretty sure they could pull it off somehow. But since a life-sized marshmallow zeppelin won't fit on store shelves, they're going with fries instead. Let's take a closer look at their "Mallow Fries" and see what twisted fluffy secrets they contain, shall we?

What, no Heinz?

It's kinda of eerie just how much these Mallow Fries look like real steak fries, isn't it? Maybe it's because they actually included a candy (er... pardon me, "kandy") ketchup packet to push the illusion that much further. While eating marshmallow fries alone didn't sound too appetizing to me, the thought of covering them in sour strawberry flavored candy kandy ketchup didn't make me any more eager to eat them.

Mallow Fries. It's like a cruel joke on your taste buds.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a big fan of marshmallow candies. I've probably mentioned it before, but generally speaking, I can only eat a few Peeps (the pinnacle of marshmallowy evolution) before I'm sick of 'em. Now if you're making s'mores, then I'll be the first in line to woof 'em down, but plain marshmallows just aren't my cup o' grog. While these fries are anything but plain, what with being drenched in sour strawberry goop, they're just not that good at all. The sour stuff isn't awful, but it's nothing to write home about, and the fries just seem like marshmallows that were left out of the package for far too long.

They also make a "Mallow Pizza", "Mallow Dog" and a "Mallow Burger" to go with the fries, but if the pseudo-food I just ate was any indicator of what it tastes like, I'm going to steer clear of 'em. If you want fries, get real fries. If you want a burger, get a real burger. If you want a zeppelin, get a real zeppelin. Unless you plan on filling it with hydrogen instead of helium, then you might want to go with the Mallow Zeppelin instead.

But hey, it's not all bad for the Kandy Kastle company... they may not make the best tasting marshmallow candies, but I'll be damned if they don't know how to make them look good. I'm gonna be counting down the days 'til Halloween so I can finally get my hands on this bad boy:

Would would dare sink their teeth into such a work of Halloweeny art?
The Halloween "Bite Me" Mallow Burger!

There aren't many foods out there that deserve a coveted spot on your mantle, but this is clearly one of those rare exceptions.


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Doctor_Who on 04/18/2008 12:23 am

I've eaten weirder things.


Misty (Guest) on 04/18/2008 12:26 am

They look pretty convincing, but I, like you, shall stick to real burgers and fries. The Halloween pumpkin burger looks totally awesome though. And I'd sooner eat a Mallow Burger then a McDonalds burger I gotta admit.


greenimp (too lazy to sign in) (Guest) on 04/18/2008 12:56 am

those marshmellow fries looked like withered lemons *shudders* and the "meat patty" on that burger looked particulaly unflavorsome


feelingravity (Guest) on 04/18/2008 3:17 am

I've eaten wrist-watch batteries that tasted better than these mallow-fries.

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Pentegarn on 04/18/2008 4:34 am

In order for marshmallows to be good, they require other things. Just marshmallows, even with kandy ketchup, or even candy catsup don't seem like they would be that good.

I prefer to look into the realm of ice cream for my "get ready for summer fun" treat.

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OxBlood on 04/18/2008 5:19 am

Sounds AND looks pretty disgusting to me...

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Tom Foolery on 04/18/2008 6:49 am

It'd be worth getting the burger just to put it in the microwave and watch it expand to critical porportions.

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Count Mek on 04/18/2008 7:29 am

'All American "fun" fries'
... That's enough to not buy them.


Frostor (Guest) on 04/18/2008 7:57 am

I had those last year, (before I became a vegetarian and gave up gelatin) and I have to agree with your assessment. But I did have to try them for the novelty alone. The burger one tasted better, somehow.

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rizzo on 04/18/2008 11:53 am

And here I thought I had a decent chance of getting through a day at work where the internet didn't make me queezy...

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BakaGaijin on 04/18/2008 1:31 pm

Holy sweet Jesus, it's the first signs of the Apocalypse.

"Watch out that you are not deceived. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am steak fries,' and, 'The time is near to eat kandy.' Do not follow them. When you hear of kandy and mallows, do not be frightened. These things must happen first, but the end will not come right away." - Luke 21

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Icculus on 04/18/2008 1:37 pm

Okay I'll give points for creativity, But that burger looks wretched. It looks like a turd patty with a burger king egg on top. I would sooner eat a turd patty with a burger king egg on top than that pile of shit.

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StalfrosGR on 04/18/2008 2:00 pm

Almost makes me want some real fries.... almost.

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Silver on 04/18/2008 3:40 pm

Cool, now to wait for the criss cut mallow fries.


robo_rob (Guest) on 04/18/2008 4:39 pm

Found those a little bit back, as well as the cheeseburger. Made me a little sick.

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Ferrit on 04/18/2008 4:59 pm

Usually, even the thought of eating something like that makes me throw up in my mouth a little

the thought of eating those things actually makes me throw up in my mouth a lot


Rabiesbunny (Guest) on 04/18/2008 5:44 pm

Oh dear me. Those burgers taste awful -- I regretted trying that damn thing for WEEKS. And I eat limitless amounts of Peeps!

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TheDoomThing on 04/18/2008 6:47 pm

Ugh, that is some nasty ass "candy". I'm also a big hater of mostly anything thats marshmallow. My gut has a big grudge on marshmellows. Except marshmellow guns, those are great.

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rimmie on 04/18/2008 6:51 pm

I saw the mallow burger at The Dollar Store and I honestly thought I was going to be sick at the thought of that much marshmallow in my mouth at once.

I like the Halloween one though.


My face is not the Hindenburg (Guest) on 04/18/2008 7:40 pm

Looks um... tasty...

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Dungeonbrownies on 04/18/2008 10:15 pm

well, they look nice but i really dont know what to say but, what do you expect from a company that spends time experimenting with marshmallows?

p.s.- I love dr who, and evenbefore it came back into style

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Colonel Flagg on 04/19/2008 3:39 am

The "nice" (?) thing about these types of candy is that they will harden and crystalize over time, to the point when you could effectively play floor hockey with them. I think even bacteria and mold will refuse to eat this stuff.


stormfrog (Guest) on 04/19/2008 4:12 am

It's my understanding that there's a plant called the Marsh Mallow, and they used to make candy from it's root until they started making this fluffy corn syrup or whatever the hell it is to take it's place. Ever since I heard that, I've wanted to try real marshmallow candy.

This, I will pass on.


Neo Valkyyria (Guest) on 04/19/2008 7:42 am

I have to say, these don't look very appetizing. Sorry.

I ate one of those marshmallow burger things once... I took barely two bites out of it before I got sick. Marshmallows just aren't my thing.


Sparkster Sanjulo (Guest) on 04/19/2008 9:45 am

thats just waaaay to much marshmellow for me

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BurntToShreds on 04/19/2008 4:02 pm

I prefer the E. Frutti gummy candies whenever I want "fake real food". That stuff is the best.

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–Shoal– on 04/19/2008 4:22 pm

I don't like marshmallows at all, really. I can only handle eating them with smores and I used to make smores without marshmallow in the past.

Which also brings me to my eternal question of why people intentionally set their roasting marshmallows on fire instead of trying to make them golden brown. . Does ash really taste that good?

..Also, those burgers made me think of those candy Krabby Patties you sometimes see. I refuse to touch those.

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Fathom Zero on 04/19/2008 10:40 pm

Blech, looks like soft kid fingers.

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Nick on 04/20/2008 1:46 am

Why would anyone make that.

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Dungeonbrownies on 04/20/2008 3:12 am

actually colonel flagg, yes, a certain amount of sugar will inhibit bacterial growth. thats why preserves work. [because goshdarnit, jams and jellies just dont make sense without that fact]

but, just like how i used to form wet paper towels into pointy dagger and tomahawk shapes and freeze em into disposable weaponry for cold or hot weather fun, i bet these would make excellent implements of harm [or packaging peanuts, thats what they look like almsot despite calling themselves fries...]

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Fear N Loathing on 04/20/2008 1:39 pm

Is it me or does the burger look like a fresh steamin' loaf? just askin'...


Jen (Guest) on 04/20/2008 3:42 pm

Oh dear god. Those are without a doubt the most grotesque looking marshmallows ever. I for one, LOVE marshmallows, but these make me feel sick just looking at them.


zombigrl (Guest) on 04/20/2008 4:20 pm

Okay, I'm a vegetarian, and I've eaten all sorts of burger substitutes, but ones that look like dog/human turds that contain gelatine are not on my list.

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MrLieutenant on 04/20/2008 6:17 pm

In first year bio we recreated the Super Size me experiment to see just how long the McDonald's "fries" would last
So we used a batch of McD's fries, a batch of real fries, and those monstrosities made out of marshmallow, just because we could.

Two years later; the real fries have disintegrated, the McDonald's fries have shrunk to a very tiny size, and the mallow fries still look exactly the same! O_o
Though granted they're harder then concrete now...

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Jaimas on 04/20/2008 10:56 pm

I sucked down a pack of these once when I was really f'ing hungry. They were the only cheap food available at Huntington Hospital's food court, and I had like 2 bucks in my wallet at the time when I went to see my mom. I didn't find them that bad, but they certainly weren't as good as say, Peeps.

What was cool was saving a few of them for later. Back at my place, I slapped 'em on a Honey Gram with part of a Hershey's bar, and the rest kind of wrote itself. It wasn't bad at ALL that way.

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eliz.lanier on 04/21/2008 7:22 am

My problem is, whenever I see marshmallow products in person, I somehow convince myself I actually like marshmallows and the end result is always the same. Me wishing I hadn't bought it and trying to convince someone else it's REALLY good! I always think peeps are so good too until I eat a few and they lose their appeal.


Cesium (Guest) on 04/21/2008 5:16 pm

I had one of those burgers, and it was already partway crystallized. Nearly cut my mouth open.

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MrLieutenant on 04/21/2008 10:19 pm

I used to get the marshmallow burgers in Hallowe'en candy; I used them as slingshot ammo

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Jogstenite on 04/21/2008 10:21 pm

Mallow't know such a thing existed.

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Desert_Screams on 04/22/2008 4:12 pm

These make me want to never again eat mallows, or fries, or mallow-fries, or fry-mallows, or any other possible combination thereof....


Mortigi Tempo (Guest) on 04/23/2008 1:35 pm

@ Doctor Who

I once ate a fried cockroach. I doubt anyone would beat that.


The_Funktasm (Guest) on 04/24/2008 10:37 am

I ate one of these and was unimpressed.

Also, those krabby patties are good. They're gummies. Like gummi-savers.

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CaedWhittle on 04/24/2008 2:29 pm

I've seen and eaten Mallow Sandwiches.


Travis (Guest) on 04/28/2008 12:15 am

I have eaten Gummy Burgers before, they are alsum!


inferno232 (Guest) on 04/29/2008 10:39 pm

Wow, those look like grade-A Gas station material!
I think I'll buy some after purchasing a Dale Gordon commenorative bucket of chicken!


schwerno (Guest) on 05/11/2008 2:42 pm

Mmm... candy made in China.

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