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In Which I Confess A Terrible Secret.

Well, we know who's the pick of the litter
I hope this basket of puppies acts as a Red Herring!

Tonight, gentle reader, there will be tears in my house. I’d like to tell you they will be my daughters, as there’s nothing shameful in a twelve or eight year old girl crying over something on TV. I’m tempted to tell you my bride is destined to ride the boo-hoo caboose, and well she may without shame, the weeping of women being socially acceptable. But surely by now you know if I am ‘all about’ anything, I am ‘all about’ the truth. Yes, the women of my household may cry tonight, but before their tears reach the river Lachrymose, a boiling flood of extra salty man tears may join them. I could lie and tell you they were the tears of our border Lester, the wise and ancient Negro who lives in our attic, but sadly his tear ducts were long ago sold to laboratories for smack money. No, gentle reader, no. The man tears, if man tears there are, will be mine.

Someone is going home tonight. And there are only six left and I love them all! That being said, I love Sayesha least so I hope it’s her.


I’m not going to say I’m not ashamed of it, because I AM ashamed of it, as well I should be. In the vast miasma of television product, American Idol is a mammoth, fetid, slowly rotating bolus of crap. One need only glance at the musical selections I have reviewed for this very site to see that the lowest common denominator pap pop tunes the show caters to are not my cup of tea. And yet, and yet, and yet I LOVE THIS SHOW. Not ironically, not anthropologically, not just a little, but hugely, madly, deeply. I have a deep down case of unvarnished puppy love for American Idol, I want to marry it and have children with it and when I die I want to be buried next to it. I don’t care how wrong it is. To quote Ms. Abdul, ‘Opposites Attract.’

Think less of me now? Fine. Whatever. You were all okay with me when it came out that I have a little thing for one-eyed chicks, you had my back when the House Committee on Unethical Business Practices got all bent up over the provenance of a few Korean medical school corpses, but I cop that just the hint of Ryan Seacrest makes me swoon in anticipation and you drop me like a hot potato with tiny robot rats in it! Well, as the French say, ‘Fuck that Noise’. Daddy is as Daddy does. And if, as I fear, Brooke gets voted off tonight, stay well away from me for at least a week. Because you know how some people only drink when they smoke? Well, when I cry I tend to break wise-ass bastards fingers with a hammer.



Jay-tee (Guest) on 04/23/2008 1:42 pm

I'm scared.

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Icculus on 04/23/2008 2:04 pm

Seems that there is too much estrogen flying around in your home. Anything over a 2-1 ratio will shrink you sack. I can't wait to read your next article. I guess you have a tough decision on whether it’s going to be about "The Hills" or "Rock of Love".

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Jigby Huggletinks on 04/23/2008 2:51 pm

Actually, my Lord Burbank, this knowledge of your preference toward American Idol causes me to gain respect for the show.

Take comfort in knowing that I will now lead the Church of Burbank in ritualistically watching the show as a form of tribute and worship.

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TheDoomThing on 04/23/2008 2:54 pm

Eh, I only watch American Idol at the start. thats when the people who are bad at singing come in, and that funny, in a sad sort of way.

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Jigby Huggletinks on 04/23/2008 2:56 pm

By the way, I noticed you used the term "red herring". Your puppy basket joke fills me with humor, as, since your last blabberblog, I have learned the definition of this term. ZVARRI!!

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Marthaeus Autolykos on 04/23/2008 3:40 pm

I sure am glad I read books instead.

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Count Mek on 04/23/2008 4:05 pm

Dunno what to say to that ya lactating wet nurse.


Detective Fork (Guest) on 04/23/2008 4:35 pm

I don't think you'll be the only one crying, especially if Brooke goes home. She cries at the drop of a hat as it is, let alone if she gets voted off.

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Burn on 04/23/2008 6:16 pm

People give me odd looks when I say I absolutely love to watch LOST on ABC. Usually all I can think to say is "You just need to watch it and then you'll understand." It's not my place to point and laugh at American Idol because I don't watch it and therefor don't see it the same way as you do.

Different strokes for different folks...

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Colonel Flagg on 04/23/2008 7:27 pm

You remind me of a coworker who thought the train wreck that was the "Anna Nicole Reality Show" was the worst thing to happen to TV since Ricardo Montalban said "Welcome to Fantasy Island". Yet, every single Tuesday morning it was "then Anna and her lesbian friend kissed after making hash brownies, and she made her son eat some, and ...." I asked why, if it was the WORST SHOW EVER did they continue to watch - the answer? "It's like a multivehicle accident, you can't help but look."

And, by the way, I think "Fantasy Island" rocked. Herve Villechaise was my hero, may he rest in peace.

So go ahead, admit you like AI. We all have guilty pleasures, it's nothing to be ashamed of ... at least not if you have enough alcohol.

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El Sammo on 04/23/2008 9:46 pm

Well, looks like I'm stalking Protoclown now.

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Dungeonbrownies on 04/23/2008 10:16 pm

its ok, its ok...
everyone has their dark secrets,
some stalk their exes,
some start fires,
you just happen to watch american idol...

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MogGuy on 04/23/2008 10:19 pm

American Idol is everything that is wrong with the world.

That said, I watch it. But only the first couple episodes every season, when the really bad singers are on there.

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Protoclown on 04/23/2008 10:41 pm

Sometimes when I go over to my parents house in the evenings my mom and sister CHASE ME AWAY by turning on the TV when "American Idol" comes on, and I am FORCED TO LEAVE!

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Nick on 04/24/2008 12:07 am

I am shocked.

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Grimscott on 04/24/2008 12:53 am

Well, because of this entry there is now an ad for a Clay Aiken CD staring into my soul.

Thanks a lot.

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Invisible on 04/24/2008 2:27 am

I'm only getting a Mike Myers add. That sucks because I LOVE Clay Aiken!!

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mburbank on 04/24/2008 8:29 am

GOOD LORD, I am still shaking and sweating from last nights ROLLER COASTER of SHOCKS!

Having Andrew Lloyd Webber on was a treat and a half, because he is a loathsome fat little rat man with a basket full of bizarre tics. He looks like one of those special effect puppets it takes eight highly trained people to operate via pneumatic cables sticking out of it's back. So THAT was good fun.

Then when everybody knew the bottom two would be Brooke and Jason, it was Sayesha and Carly, GOOD CHRIST and if that wasn't enough then CARLY who was supposed to make it to the final three got the old heave ho! Well! I could barely real my jaw up off the floor by this morning.

To Grimscott: See, now, THAT's comedy. Did you know some fans are sueing Clay Aiken because he's such a huge mo? It's TRUE!

To Colonel Flagg: I have many obsessions, but Herve V is in my top ten. Did you ever see the E True Hollywood Story about him? ESSENTIAL!

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Silver on 04/24/2008 11:04 am

I guess that watching "The Pickup Artist" is less shameful then.

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LadyMage on 04/24/2008 4:20 pm

Icullus as a female, I hate Idol, it is an insult to music, so I don't think it is the 3:1 female ratio in max's house, he has fallen under the wicked spell that so many fall prey too. Thankfully many have avoided this spell and we are looking for the counter magic to this evil that is idol

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–Shoal– on 04/24/2008 6:51 pm

My hate for American Idol for always kicking my favorite shows out of their timeslots prevents me from liking it too much.

..Though I do watch the auditions. Just so I can participate in the inevitable discussion the next day with my colleagues.

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Desert_Screams on 04/24/2008 7:32 pm

Don't feel bad, Max. Isaiah Berlin's favorite TV program was KOJAK. The brightest minds sometimes have the oddest viewing habits.

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Count Mek on 04/24/2008 8:53 pm

Still loving that photo you put in everything though Max, it's an amazing photo.

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Jaimas on 04/24/2008 10:16 pm

Hey, if the man wants to watch American Idol, let him. Everyone has a few private blemishes. I've heard Protoclown secretly keeps a Motley Crue CD stashed behind the toilet.

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El Sammo on 04/24/2008 10:25 pm

Motley Crue? Damnit, looks like I'll have to get a life instead of following around internet z-listers.

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stevetothepast on 04/25/2008 12:23 am

you know I hate the concept of american idol, but I also have been sucked into it's realm, not this season however as I have taken up a stand against adverts and no longer watch televised programs, just video games and movies, not sure why, just uninterested in 95% of the crap on t.v. and how they try to sell you things every second they can, on a side note I still receive a unhealthy dose of media adverts on this information superhighway we call "internet" and most movies are endorsed by super-companies

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Blaster Atoms on 04/25/2008 2:45 am

I'm waiting to see fox get desperate and release "When Animals Attack American Idol". The Judges would be Simon Cowell, former sheriff John Bunnell, and a ferocious bear. If the two guys don't like the contestant, it puts the bear's cage on standby, and if the bear doesn't like them, the cage opens. When people get tired of the bear they could get a tiger or crocodile or something.

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mburbank on 04/25/2008 8:16 am

I would totally watch that.


Cowracer (Guest) on 04/25/2008 1:40 pm

American Idol, Survivor, Apprentice and most of the other reality shows are the video equivalent of the venus flytrap to me. I could peacefully go on with the remainder of my life never watching one single moment of them, but if I just happen to be in the room when the wife starts it, I get captured by the drama (real or artificial) and find myself totally absorbed.

Of course, by the next week, I could give a shit less again. I seem to catch maybe 2 AI and 3 survivors a season, and thats enough to keep me up-to-date on the develpments.


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Mental Pooperscooper on 04/25/2008 2:12 pm

why a bear, make it something more humiliating like a rabid squirrel or a chihuahua or something like that

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-RoG- on 04/25/2008 5:44 pm

Jaimas, actually it's a Winger CD he keeps hidden behind the toilet, right next to his little collection of romance novels with Fabio on the cover.

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Autrach Sejanoz on 04/25/2008 11:12 pm

Phew! You scared the hell outta me, Max. I thought your secret was going to be something serious, like being a Michael Bolton fan.

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Protoclown on 04/26/2008 1:01 am

Jaimas and Rog, nice try, but it's actually a copy of Duran Duran's Greatest Hits that I will proudly listen to. It's not even behind the toilet, it's right on my shelf mingling with my other cds.

Well, it was until it went missing. But at least it's still on my iPod. Maybe one of my roommates hid it behind the toilet...

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Jaimas on 04/26/2008 1:55 am

You'd be surprised what's hidden back there...

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Silver on 04/26/2008 3:05 pm

I thought one would actually hide some book behind the toilet (or whatever is neeeded to have a pleasant time reading while "at work"), not CD's...

I'll bring my jukebox along next time.

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-RoG- on 04/26/2008 7:09 pm

Notice how Proto didn't address the Fabio romance novels in his response, he only addressed the music stuff.

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Jaimas on 04/26/2008 8:47 pm

RoG: ...Adjectives fail me.

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eric-the-ded on 04/27/2008 3:27 pm

I don't know, dog. This article was a little pitchy.

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mburbank on 04/27/2008 5:24 pm

HAH! The good news is my shoes look great!

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greenimp on 04/27/2008 6:12 pm

oh dear god, fabio romance novels? shoot the person who thought of that, shoot him now!

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Protoclown on 04/28/2008 12:03 am

Hey Rog, I'm not the one who owns any Fabio merchandise. Clearly this is just a means for you to deflect the attention off of you and your Fabio cd, the one you listen to while crying yourself to sleep every night.

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Jaimas on 04/28/2008 12:26 am

I thought that was his Over the Top soundtrack? ...Which consists of basically 1 song.


Travis (Guest) on 04/28/2008 5:02 pm

I like American Idol lol
but I barely watched it this year,
thanks to the disruptive and gay service of Comcast
Digital Cable, only +$17 to your cable bill! Order now!


Snooky (Guest) on 04/28/2008 6:55 pm

I think less of you now.

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WryBeauty on 04/29/2008 1:14 am

Oh my...too much estrogen in one place. I'm a bit frightened actually.

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mburbank on 04/29/2008 8:28 am



I've ALWAYS HATED Niel Diamond, and yet I am so excited! The cognitive dissonance ALONE is enough to give me a metaphorical boner.


Johnny Bravo (Guest) on 04/29/2008 7:21 pm

Seyesha is smoking hot and I'm a little taken aback that she isn't number one in your rankings as she is in mine.

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