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In Which I Lean Precariously Over The Abyss.

At least I don't have to eat my cake through a straw... yet

Gentle reader, tomorrow at around 1:35 pm I will be forty-six years old. In any case that’s how it is with me as I type these words. By the time they are posted my birthday may be in process, or have come and gone. By the time you read this, who knows how old I’ll be, if I’m alive at all? Or maybe you’ll never read this, in which case I shall be immortal.

The demographics of the fine web site you are now enjoying suggest that I am your elder, in most cases by a good number of years. Many of you have parents younger than I, which I imagine makes all three of us shudder, unless you are my offspring, in which case the number shuddering would be two. Or four and three respectively if you join us in shuddering.

The point is by any definition one chooses, I will be, or am, middle aged, a highly unlikely state of affairs I never once imagined would come to pass. I am probably a good deal more than middle aged in fact, since the chances of my living to be ninety-two are slimmish. So here I am, middle aged and doing this.

It is too late for me to be a prodigy, an enfant terrible, a child bride. I will never ‘burst’ upon any ‘scene’. I do not think I will be able to limbo under ‘late bloomer’ at this point. Wilford Brimley was four years my junior when he got his first major film role as a rotund aging codger.

Forty-Five was the last birthday I believe I shall have handled with good grace. That round number had the pleasant feeling of ‘arriving at’ as opposed to ‘departing from’.

On the other hand, it is never too late to be a Ne’r-do-well.


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-RoG- on 05/20/2008 6:44 pm

May your cake be filled with the finest rum and may your veins be filled with the hallucinogen of your choice to make you forget that you're 46! Have a great birthday Max!

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simogene on 05/20/2008 6:48 pm

Happy Birthday Max! Many happy returns!

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Relaxing Dragon on 05/20/2008 7:17 pm

Happy birthday Max, and thanks for all the wonderful years making the world laugh.

And don't feel so down. I assure you that even though I wasn't alive when Die Hard, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and Tremors came out, my parents are both still older than you.

...I think that sounded better in my head. Whatever the case, I hope you know what I mean. Have a wonderful day =D

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Colonel Flagg on 05/20/2008 7:48 pm

I don't know about you, but I'm 48 years YOUNG! Happy Birthday, young Mr. Burbank.


Drake Kaine (Guest) on 05/20/2008 8:02 pm

happy b-day.

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Dungeonbrownies on 05/20/2008 8:08 pm

its ok, 50's the new 40. then you might be screwed unless you pump yourself up with badger horomones, but until then, drink to age. atleast youre not doing now what you used to be doing 20ish years ago.

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Desert_Screams on 05/20/2008 9:00 pm

The happiest of birthdays, Max. You're one of a kind.

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kateness87 on 05/20/2008 9:31 pm

Happy birthday, and may there be many more to come.

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Orastella on 05/20/2008 9:34 pm

Happy Birthday, Mr. Burbank.

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Silver on 05/20/2008 9:54 pm

If Harrison Ford can continue making his stuff these days then the hell that you can Max.

Happy Birthday and keep kicking asses for many years to come.

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captain516 on 05/20/2008 10:19 pm

Happy Birthday Max, and may your new wisdom only serve to inspire your bizzare stories.

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Protoclown on 05/20/2008 11:14 pm

Happy Birthday, Max! For what it's worth, I hope that I am still as cool as you are when I get to be your age! :O

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Soli on 05/21/2008 1:02 am

Master Max Burbank, the scourge of evil and the savior of young. He who was ancient when the world was young:

I bet you are still picking Brontosaurus Burgers from your teeth. What was Julius Cesar like? Was it weird to watch artificial light come from projectors from the first time? I can imagine you rocking back and forth on your self-built front porch on an ancient rocking chair that lets out sounds of strain with every back and forth motion. Like a pendulum, you move in perfect rythm due to years of dedicated practice. Wont you share some wisdom to us in your final years? We, your loyal followers all crowd around you for story time ever day, whether you post or not.

All old jokes aside, have a truly happy birthday. Thanks for all you've done for the site.

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greenimp on 05/21/2008 3:17 am

happy birthday man, and hey, cheer up, my dads turning 50 this year


Fast Eddy (Guest) on 05/21/2008 3:32 am

"I will never ‘burst’ upon any ‘scene’."

Oh, you bursted all over this scene buddy. Even got some in my eye after you PROMISED you wouldn't.

Happy B-day

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Mac Brookman on 05/21/2008 4:59 am

Happy birthday and remember: there's always that midlife crisis!

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OxBlood on 05/21/2008 6:19 am

Happy Birthday! Enjoy getting older for it means eternity draws closer! And rest assured, my parents are way older than you are ;)

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Icculus on 05/21/2008 8:27 am

Happy Birthday! [witty quote unavailable]


Jeremy B. (Guest) on 05/21/2008 9:14 am

Happy birthday Mr. Max. And let me be the first to through a monkey wrench into your stats. I'am 47. And to all of the others visitors to this site, Get off my lawn!

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rizzo on 05/21/2008 9:28 am

Happy birthday, ya old weirdo.

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SamGamgee on 05/21/2008 9:46 am

!yadhtirB yppaH

Thought I'ld write that so you could read it while looking in th mirror for grey hairs and Just Kidding. Hope is you best year ever!

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Dimnos on 05/21/2008 9:48 am

Your only as old as your jokes, and may I say your's are still fresh. Happy birth day Max.


Jesus F. Christ (Guest) on 05/21/2008 1:15 pm

Yeah, well. I'm 2008.

Happy Birthday, Max. Love your stuff.

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mburbank on 05/21/2008 1:45 pm

Thank you all, most especially those of you older than I am. One of the things I am proudest of about I-mockery is the width (length?) of our demographic. I think it says something about us. It says it out the corner of it's mouth whilst lurking in an alley peddling naughty photographs and off brand hootch, but it's talking, and that's enough for me.

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Poxpower on 05/21/2008 2:40 pm

Holy smokes Max I thought you were only 44.
There's too many cool old people around. Stop it. With people like you around, I have no reason to try and better myself >:(
Well I hope you're not happy or else everything movies and tv has ever taught me would be wrong and I can't live in that kind of world.


joe (Guest) on 05/21/2008 3:31 pm

happy birthday max! i'd like to let you know, the guys at i-mockery (especially you) are some of the funniest comedy writers i've ever read. thank you.

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Coryjonc on 05/21/2008 7:17 pm

Has Mid-Life crisis hit yet Max?


Volcanon (Guest) on 05/22/2008 3:32 am


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mburbank on 05/22/2008 7:05 am

I did my mid life crisis about nine years ago, and it was pretty big and involved the legal and medical communities.


nancy (Guest) on 05/22/2008 3:17 pm

Another wrench in your statistics- I'm about to turn 48. And let me tell you, life is just getting better and better. Truth. Especially with the damn kids out of the house.

Happy Birthday!

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Autrach Sejanoz on 05/22/2008 11:01 pm

May you be around for another 46,000 years, Max.

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Coryjonc on 05/25/2008 1:04 am

Wow, I feel like I just shook hands with a celebrity.

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Count Mek on 05/26/2008 8:31 pm

Best of luck with the rest of those pesky years.

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Blaster Atoms on 05/30/2008 3:50 am

A man is only as old as he decides to be. When you start chasing off unwanted solicitors with the garden hose instead of a gun, or knocking on car windows to break up young lovers, then you'll be an old man.


i-bobbery (Guest) on 06/09/2008 7:58 pm

SHIT! 46? damn I didnt think anyone who worked on this site was that old! offense.


i-bobbery (Guest) on 06/09/2008 7:59 pm

oh yeah happy birthday even though its kind of late.

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