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In Which I Explain My Recent Absence.


Gentle reader, perhaps you have noticed I have been missing from these pages the last few weeks. Then again, perhaps not. It’s hard for me to imagine a you that does not monitor my comings and goings as carefully as a presidential physician, but I acknowledge the theoretical possibility. If that’s you, well, so be it. I probably wasn’t talking to you anyway.

Perhaps you have gleaned from other postings on this site that my employment of the last 16 years was abruptly terminated, that I was found redundant, downsized, not completely necessary to the continued functioning of the institution for which I had worked. Perhaps, having gleaned, you deducted that the bulk of my freelance worked was conducted on a computer owned by my employer during times for which I was paid an hourly wage, and assumption I CATEGORICALLY AND LEGALLY DENY. Nothing so common as the sudden termination of my employment would keep me from you, my audience, the only people on earth I care about. Besides, you know, my kids. And my wife. And my parents, my brother, his children and all the other people who might take offense and retaliate in irritating ways if I failed to mention them. Truthfully, as you my audience are for the most part imaginary for me, that either places you at the top or bottom of my list of priorities, depending on my mood and medication. My point is, I’m back, and I was not gone just because some ‘suit’ callously ‘gutted’ the ‘entire department’ to which I had given the better part of my ‘soul’ for a goodly chunk of my ‘adult life’. No, it took a lot more than that to keep me away from you.

At around the same time I was terminated, and quite coincidentally, I was mauled by a lion. A drunk lion. A drunk, knife-wielding, clinically depressed lion, with whom I had been drinking, when things, as they will, suddenly turned ugly. Also, the lion was on fire, having drunkenly failed to minor the nearness of it’s mane to one of the many decorative candles that provided the sort of scant illumination preferred by men and lions doing the sort of industrial drinking we were doing. It was a case of booze fueled mistaken identity for which I forgave the lion posthumously, but only after I killed him by the repeated application of a barstool applied directly to his forehead.

Sadly, your better intensive care units have iron clad rules against smoking, drinking, shooting up and blogging. Hence my absence. So if you thought I was away, sobbing under a table over the uncertainty of my future or getting hasty and poorly considered depression related sex reassignment surgery, now you know better. And also, ‘ph*ck’ you, and ‘ph*ck’ the horse you road in on.


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JJ_Maniac on 06/26/2008 3:07 pm

Welcome back. We missed you.

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gingerninja on 06/26/2008 3:44 pm

I hope evertyhing goes well for finding another job or getting whatever you need to be back to normal.
That said, it's great to see you back here.
As JJ said, we missed you.

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Silver on 06/26/2008 3:48 pm

That's all right Mr. Burbank. I guess almost everyone may pass by that experience of suddenly losing a job, but I'm sure your tough temper will allow you to intimidate the next guy that will offer you one and will have no other choice but getting on his knees and beggin for you to join.


Fast Eddy (Guest) on 06/26/2008 5:09 pm

The Japanese don't have a word for "crisis". Only a word that, loosely translated, means "to hell with you all, this is an opportunity to get drunk", or something like that.

Good to have you back.

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JJ_Maniac on 06/26/2008 5:34 pm

Somehow I doubt that the Japanese have a word for that..

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FLUFFY on 06/26/2008 6:07 pm

I have a word for that.

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Protoclown on 06/26/2008 6:53 pm

I done been prayin' that my baby come back to me

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-RoG- on 06/26/2008 7:28 pm

Max, I think I might've seen you in the movie "Falling Down" recently.

Was that you?

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Colonel Flagg on 06/26/2008 7:33 pm

Welcome back, Max! I was concerned, but not overly so, as I know you are more than a match for a drunk lion on fire suffering from genital herpes. Did you not mention the herpes? My bad.

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Jigby Huggletinks on 06/26/2008 9:32 pm

I was having withdrawals. I actually took up smoking, and eventually heroin, and when my brother confronted me offering clinical psychological help, I shot him thrice in the chest, killing him, and buried him that evening, on the east side of IN-62, 1 mile before Exit 7.

And then, the Lord and Savior Max Burbank returned. And there was much rejoicing.

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Ferrit on 06/26/2008 9:38 pm

I think we're hiring here Max - just a couple towns over in Danvers. Has your soul been totally squashed yet? Cuz if it has, that would help.

Best of luck to you

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greenimp on 06/26/2008 10:03 pm

hm... those darn clinically depressed lions! there becoming a menace to scociety

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krish-0 on 06/26/2008 11:09 pm

Better luck to you in the future Max.
By the way, your third paragraph there was the greatest joining of words into sentences that has ever been concieved in the history of forever. Bravo.

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scribo on 06/27/2008 2:34 am

Marry me.


mikeb302000 (Guest) on 06/27/2008 2:58 am

Wonderful post. Welcome back.

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simogene on 06/27/2008 5:05 am

Again, Welcome back, Max. You certianly were missed.


Unruheherd (Guest) on 06/27/2008 8:39 am

So you've been absent? Mhhh.....

gonna get me another bottle of water.


supportive fan (Guest) on 06/27/2008 9:40 am

I emailed you like a week ago. Would I need to do it again, or would you still of gotten it?

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Grossenschwamm on 06/27/2008 11:14 am

We my be an imaginary audience, but we still need you to write and speak your mind up there on your interweb podium. Glad to see you back.

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rizzo on 06/27/2008 11:57 am

This 'lion' you speak of sounds interesting. What's his story?

Oh yeah, good luck on your job hunt. Now, about that lion...

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briny bill on 06/27/2008 12:26 pm

At last you have returned my soul leaps with joy

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TheDoomThing on 06/27/2008 3:43 pm

Sorry, but i find you as funny as a full rectal inspection. or a swollen testicle.
I was jumping with fucking joy until i read this blog post.
You=Not Funny.
You get so caught up trying to sound serious that i lose interest by the second paragraph.

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-RoG- on 06/27/2008 3:54 pm

Rectal inspections and swollen testicles are hilarious, and so is Max. I don't care what anybody thinks, I've been saying for years that he's the funniest of the writers here on I-Mockery.

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HeroliciousDeBlanc on 06/27/2008 5:24 pm

Barstool! Apply directly to forehead!

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TheDoomThing on 06/27/2008 9:46 pm

No he isn't!

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TheDoomThing on 06/27/2008 9:47 pm

Yup, i'm one of the more angry mockers.
Now, i must murder this puppy.
*stab stab gouge*


Anna (Guest) on 06/28/2008 1:22 am

That lion was my baby-daddy!

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resident-adam on 06/28/2008 4:01 am

You writing is hilarious, keep it up.

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resident-adam on 06/28/2008 4:02 am

Oh yeah, and Welcome Back!

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Blaster Atoms on 06/28/2008 5:37 am

Pull an "office space" on the bastages.


Poop on a Stick (Guest) on 06/30/2008 12:45 am

Dammit, Max. I told you this months ago. Start a "Brand Max Burbank" line of things. If it had your face on it people would buy it. Well, I'd buy it at least. Just think of the possibilities.

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Shadow40000 on 06/30/2008 5:00 am

It's alright. The porn industry will have.... um.... other openings so to speak...

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Jigby Huggletinks on 06/30/2008 10:35 pm

DoomThing = My Nemesis, officially.

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Count Mek on 07/04/2008 7:55 pm

Ey Max =)

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