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We Were Zombies Once… And Young.

by Protoclown on 10/30/2008, 7:20 pm

Time was, it was easy to be a zombie back in the old days. "The glory days" we called 'em. Not so much the case now, with the advent of faster cars, better guns, and reality TV. But in the old days, things was pretty darn good for me and the crew I run around with. Back then people didn't have the kind of firepower they got now, and cars, they moved so slow, why, you could practically keep right on top of 'em with a good paced shuffle, assuming you still had both yer feet to work with. There also weren't no damned horror movies explicitly tellin' people that a head shot was a kill shot. No sir, back then it was all chest shots and clumsy extremity wounds. Well, big deal! We could deal with the discomfort! Anything for a little lunch. Besides, we learned that the more ya flailed around, the less likely they were to hit ya somewhere that mattered, on account o' their eyes being drawn to yer wildly windmillin' limbs and all.

Hell, back in the 30s the food used to line right up for us on the street! Bread lines, they was called. Food lined up around the block for easy pickens. But we called it the "smorgasbord", yes sir. Then the War to End All Wars came along, and a few of us got caught up in that, serving on "shield duty", but it wasn't until FDR passed the Zombie Rights Act as part of his "New Deal" that we started to feel the pinch o' big government. You see, the Zombie Rights Act may have sounded nice by name, but it wasn't about giving us rights at all. Oh no, it made it illegal for us to feed on humans, and let me tell you, once you've feasted on the human flesh a simple cow or a dog just ain't gonna cut it no more.

As years went on, my crew split up, being as it was necessary for survival. One or two zombies could sustain themselves without drawing too much attention, but a group? Not a chance. So what happened to all of us? Well, I heard tell that Skeeter went up to the woods in Canada, and I don't know for sure just what happened to him after that. Perhaps he decided to feast on campers, or maybe he's the one fueling all those Bigfoot stories. Hell, I don't know. Maybe he got himself a wife and kids who don't suspect his undead nature. Ol' Shawn "Rascal" Colvin worked for the Nixon campaign back in '68, and in the 80s he was Governor of Nebraska for a bit, 'til he bit off the Lieutenant Governor's ear one day. They didn't like that none, no sir. He fled into the sewers and was never heard again until an autobiographical book showed up on a publisher's desk, called Undead, But Patriotic.

The Bell Crick Boys went to make their fortune in Vegas, and they started off slow, with card tricks and jugglin' heads, but now they sell out stadium shows with their act of gory mayhem. Joke's on the crowd though--they may love getting sprayed with "fake blood" all night, but if they knew the blood was real, they might not enjoy the experience so much! Or maybe they would, society bein' made up o' nothin' but godless heathens nowadays. From what I heard, Flat Henry met his end being run down by a steam roller, which was kind of ironical, what with his nickname and all. Curly Shirley started a successful make up line called "Undead Applications". Hell, I ain't ashamed to say I've been known to use their concealer once or twice myself. Hey, you try being a zombie for a week and then tell me you ain't gonna go through doors you thought you'd never open.

Timmy Pintelli was into horse racing for a while, but he kept snackin' on his horses, just small parts at first, but eventually they noticed, which led to him getting fired. Last I heard he was begging for change somewheres in Chicago. Ducky Johnson had his own TV show in the 70s, called "How Many Bears Can I Piss Off?", which, as it turned out, was one, because he got devoured and puked up and devoured again (by a mangy dog) in the pilot episode. Kind of a dumb idea for a show, but then, he was always going on about how invincible he was. Tried to tell him that just cuz bears can't make a head shot doesn't mean they're not dangerous, but he was never one to listen. Black Crow Betty made a zombie girls pin-up calendar and starred in a couple Sci-fi channel horror movies, but has since faded into obscurity. Last I heard she was retired up in New England somewhere, working the checkout at a grocery store--you know, for spending money.

As for yours truly? Well, I'm living the quiet life these days, after a stint of bounty hunting in the 70s and some Alaskan crab fishing in the 90s. I play Bingo down at the church every Wednesday night, I sit in front of the tube and watch my "stories". Just gettin' by good as I can these days. But I still remember the way things used to be.

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