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We Were Zombies Once… And Young.


Time was, it was easy to be a zombie back in the old days. "The glory days" we called 'em. Not so much the case now, with the advent of faster cars, better guns, and reality TV. But in the old days, things was pretty darn good for me and the crew I run around with. Back then people didn't have the kind of firepower they got now, and cars, they moved so slow, why, you could practically keep right on top of 'em with a good paced shuffle, assuming you still had both yer feet to work with. There also weren't no damned horror movies explicitly tellin' people that a head shot was a kill shot. No sir, back then it was all chest shots and clumsy extremity wounds. Well, big deal! We could deal with the discomfort! Anything for a little lunch. Besides, we learned that the more ya flailed around, the less likely they were to hit ya somewhere that mattered, on account o' their eyes being drawn to yer wildly windmillin' limbs and all.

Hell, back in the 30s the food used to line right up for us on the street! Bread lines, they was called. Food lined up around the block for easy pickens. But we called it the "smorgasbord", yes sir. Then the War to End All Wars came along, and a few of us got caught up in that, serving on "shield duty", but it wasn't until FDR passed the Zombie Rights Act as part of his "New Deal" that we started to feel the pinch o' big government. You see, the Zombie Rights Act may have sounded nice by name, but it wasn't about giving us rights at all. Oh no, it made it illegal for us to feed on humans, and let me tell you, once you've feasted on the human flesh a simple cow or a dog just ain't gonna cut it no more.

As years went on, my crew split up, being as it was necessary for survival. One or two zombies could sustain themselves without drawing too much attention, but a group? Not a chance. So what happened to all of us? Well, I heard tell that Skeeter went up to the woods in Canada, and I don't know for sure just what happened to him after that. Perhaps he decided to feast on campers, or maybe he's the one fueling all those Bigfoot stories. Hell, I don't know. Maybe he got himself a wife and kids who don't suspect his undead nature. Ol' Shawn "Rascal" Colvin worked for the Nixon campaign back in '68, and in the 80s he was Governor of Nebraska for a bit, 'til he bit off the Lieutenant Governor's ear one day. They didn't like that none, no sir. He fled into the sewers and was never heard again until an autobiographical book showed up on a publisher's desk, called Undead, But Patriotic.

The Bell Crick Boys went to make their fortune in Vegas, and they started off slow, with card tricks and jugglin' heads, but now they sell out stadium shows with their act of gory mayhem. Joke's on the crowd though--they may love getting sprayed with "fake blood" all night, but if they knew the blood was real, they might not enjoy the experience so much! Or maybe they would, society bein' made up o' nothin' but godless heathens nowadays. From what I heard, Flat Henry met his end being run down by a steam roller, which was kind of ironical, what with his nickname and all. Curly Shirley started a successful make up line called "Undead Applications". Hell, I ain't ashamed to say I've been known to use their concealer once or twice myself. Hey, you try being a zombie for a week and then tell me you ain't gonna go through doors you thought you'd never open.

Timmy Pintelli was into horse racing for a while, but he kept snackin' on his horses, just small parts at first, but eventually they noticed, which led to him getting fired. Last I heard he was begging for change somewheres in Chicago. Ducky Johnson had his own TV show in the 70s, called "How Many Bears Can I Piss Off?", which, as it turned out, was one, because he got devoured and puked up and devoured again (by a mangy dog) in the pilot episode. Kind of a dumb idea for a show, but then, he was always going on about how invincible he was. Tried to tell him that just cuz bears can't make a head shot doesn't mean they're not dangerous, but he was never one to listen. Black Crow Betty made a zombie girls pin-up calendar and starred in a couple Sci-fi channel horror movies, but has since faded into obscurity. Last I heard she was retired up in New England somewhere, working the checkout at a grocery store--you know, for spending money.

As for yours truly? Well, I'm living the quiet life these days, after a stint of bounty hunting in the 70s and some Alaskan crab fishing in the 90s. I play Bingo down at the church every Wednesday night, I sit in front of the tube and watch my "stories". Just gettin' by good as I can these days. But I still remember the way things used to be.


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BrownPanick on 10/30/2008 9:13 pm

I just accidentally my rotting flesh is this bad?

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captain516 on 10/30/2008 9:42 pm

Bravo! You ought to do this more often.

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Crash Dummie on 10/30/2008 9:50 pm

Poor Zombie. Almost feel like giving him my arm as a meal.

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Relaxing Dragon on 10/31/2008 1:02 am

Aye, it's rough out there for the undead these days. And what's with all these folk expecting you guys to run now? It's like if you're not sprinting at them, then you just aren't doing it properly.

Times are a'changin', no doubt about it.

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Silver on 10/31/2008 1:34 am

Man, I salute you. I agree with captain516 in that articles like this should be seen around more frequently.

This inspires me to write a book.

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OxBlood on 10/31/2008 5:28 am

Like what you say, always have been a member of the League of Supporters of the Undead. But you must remember one cardinal rule: Whenever someone is confronted with a Zombie, he or she forgets any knowledge he or she has about Zombies. At least that is true for the normal folk out there.

And concerning this "Zombies have to be fast now"-BS...Forget it, those people don´t understand what you´re about. A slow paced shuffle is such a relaxing stride. You get your prey, no matter how fast you are, so why would there be ANY reason to run? You got all the time in the world.


jason (Guest) on 10/31/2008 8:01 am

happy halloween!


Aaron Helton (Guest) on 10/31/2008 8:15 am

Brilliant! I loved this one.

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SPINAL on 10/31/2008 9:00 am

Looks like my relatives!

Happy Halloween

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McFly on 10/31/2008 12:20 pm

I like the concerned look of the dog being held by the old man. Looks like he is going to attack the zombie next to him (which I think may be you, Proto).

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Miroslav208 on 10/31/2008 1:57 pm

Mmm. Now, how many zombies can say they've been eaten and vomited twice? That's something to be proud of.

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