The Daily Blabber Blog

  • Search the blog


A Healthy Dose Of Holiday Cheer.

My eyes are red because I am possessed by THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!!!

December 1st arrives, and in my little corner of the world, a coworker has promised (not threatened, promised) to bring in all kinds of stupid little holiday-themed noise makers, dancing animatronic Santas and penguins that sing about a jingle bell sockhop or some shit, simply because she knows how much it annoys me. Elsewhere, a Wal-Mart employee is trampled to death by a wild, rabid herd of normally slack-jawed, placid cattle, temporarily roused into an unfamiliar state of frenzy as they salivate over unimpressive "bargains" they could find any time of year if only they weren't too lazy to hunt for them. Elsewhere, a child cries, as a man in a trenchcoat hides a paper bag filled with warm shit inside a McDonald's, underneath their Christmas tree display. A nun walks down a busy city sidewalk, set suddenly ablaze by a faulty string of Christmas lights; unhinged from their rooftop support, they swing down like a pendulum of fiery electrodeath and engulf her in their holiday cheer. And within an uncomfortably close walking distance from your home, a clown dressed like a hobo, or perhaps a hobo dressed like a clown sits, muttering and shaking in piss-stained trousers next to a half-empty bottle of brandy, clinging to a candy cane as if it were life itself, or the memory of a pretty girl he once knew.

These are the scenes in my Christmas nativity. Okay, so that doesn't really make sense, calling it a nativity, since it has nothing to do with birth, but it sounds better than "Christmas diorama", so just work with me, will ya?

I really hate this time of year. Of course, that wasn't always the case. I too used to be a child with joy in his heart and a sparkle in his eye, awake with the sweaty, shaky, junkie anticipation over what new G.I. JOEs and Transformers may appear under the tree the following morning. But somewhere in there, I grew up, and I started noticing that this time of year brings out the worst in people. Go into any store on Black Friday (or hell, try to even get in your car and leave your driveway) and you will see exactly what I mean.

I still like Christmas Day itself though. Getting together with family (or friends) and exchanging gifts is perfectly fine. But hearing my coworkers yammering on about it for weeks on end beforehand is not. Being unable to go into public at all without my ears assaulted by crappy variations of the same dozen horrible songs is not. Not being able to go anywhere without sitting for hours in Apocalypse evacuation traffic is not.

And now we're up to what is quite possibly the loneliest, most depressing, and my least favorite day of the year: Christmas Eve. While just about everyone I know is off doing things with their family, I sit at home by myself, because my family stopped doing anything special for Christmas Eve years ago. Oh, my parents live twenty minutes away, so if I really wanted to go and watch "American Idol" or whatever prime time bullshit they'll be watching, I could join them. But that would be even worse, because I would then have no choice but to stab my eyes and ears out. But hell, I have a family and I find it depressing. I can only imagine how bad it must be for other people who don't have anybody to share the day with.

At least it's almost over though. Then we only have to deal with New Year's Eve (or "Amateur Night" as a friend of mine calls it), which only serves to remind that another year has gone by in which only the tiniest portion of my goals were accomplished, my dreams realized. Another year pissed away into the void of wasted time.

Sorry if this "brings you down", but I'm afraid it's my job to do so. (No really, it's in my contract). We kind of have a good cop, bad cop thing going here and I threatened to stab Max and Dr. Boogie if I didn't get the bad cop position, so there we have it. Anyway, I do hope you guys have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Fantastic Kwanzaa, or Spiffy Wookiee Life Day, whatever it is you happen to celebrate (select one, and only one of the above--don't be selfish). Keep it secret, keep it safe, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.


User avatar

JJ the Jetplane on 12/23/2008 6:22 pm

Now I'm sad.


User avatar

Shrubfest on 12/23/2008 6:32 pm

I never do new years eve

Because its my birthday.

Is that ok?

User avatar

Protoclown on 12/23/2008 6:54 pm

That is acceptable. Happy birthday!

User avatar

HeroliciousDeBlanc on 12/23/2008 7:13 pm

I don't think we're allowed to "select" Wookie Life Day. Some sort of cardinal sin.


Lineman43 (Guest) on 12/23/2008 7:18 pm

Cheers....I feel the same way about Christmas. I always thought it was for kids anyways.


gloria (Guest) on 12/23/2008 8:43 pm

is that a dead kennedys shirt? nice!

User avatar

greenimp on 12/23/2008 8:47 pm

yeah, i had my christmas illusions banished fairly early on (like, 10) i dont really enjoy it that much anymore especially how santa is inexplicably everywhere endorsing every goddamned product under the sun (and even those that arent)

User avatar

Doctor_Who on 12/23/2008 9:11 pm

And a Spiffy Wookiee Life Day to you too, Protoclown. Much like adding rum to eggnog, no amount of holiday cheer is good without some holiday bitterness to make it more palatable.

User avatar

Funky Fried Chicken on 12/23/2008 9:13 pm

Sure it's all depressing, but as I am the only guy in a large staff of women, and quite a lot of them young twenties, and two or three of them are attractive, and today one of them came in tight white leggings, knee high socks, ass hugging shorts and a tee shirt I couldn't help but be filled with Christmas cheer.

User avatar

Aries on 12/23/2008 10:43 pm

I feel the same way, Proto! This time of year I dread leaving the house. My family doesn't do anything special either, which is fine because Xmas is just a fake holiday anyhow. I just get myself a bottle of cheap whiskey and listen to "Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues.

User avatar

Hangie on 12/23/2008 11:38 pm

The fact that people get sad over christmas is unbearable. Man up, emo. People are sad. I'm sure there are people that are alone on christmas but i'm also sure somebody has died a few seconds ago.

Bad stuff happens all the time, worrying about it because it's a holiday is pointless. Worrying about it on a humor site is just purposefully trying to get other people to be unhappy. If you're so sad I think you should vent with a friend, not with your blog.

Of course I'm only 14 so my ideas are probably complete bullshit.

User avatar

Aries on 12/23/2008 11:43 pm

"Of course I'm only 14 so my ideas are probably complete bullshit."

Yeah, pretty much.

User avatar

Hangie on 12/23/2008 11:56 pm

Please enlighten me in how, I wish to know, I WISH TO LEARN!

User avatar

Protoclown on 12/24/2008 12:19 am

gloria: That is indeed a Dead Kennedys shirt. They be one of my favorite bands.

Funky Fried Chicken: Considering that the only women in my office are either older, married, or both, you, sir, have my envy.

Hangie: I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm not really that depressed. I'm going for a bit of "over the top" here (hence the ridiculous diorama scenes). But still, the main ideas about being annoyed by Christmas hold true.


Number6Faye (Guest) on 12/24/2008 2:27 am

Out of all of the analogies in the first paragraph, I liked the hobo-clown/clown-hobo best - not only is the scenario just plain amusing to picture in my warped mind, but I just keep on picturing the hobo-clown in that "Psycho Rodeo Clown" costume featured in one of the Halloween "Choose-Your-Destiny" stories. This makes me giggle with childish, Wookie-Life-Day-filled glee. :3


Teeyay (Guest) on 12/24/2008 2:46 am

I'm way out of my childhood, don't have children, and my family doesn't do anything special for the season other than maybe decorate a little and exchange gifts on the actual day and eat dinner. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! There! I said it! With exclamation points (!!!!!!!!!) even!!! I love seeing and hearing the decorations and music in the stores (heard a bunch of people singing along today--badly!) and seeing the lights in people's windows! Sure, it's commercial as hell and the crowds and traffic suck, but I DO NOT go out on Black Friday. Also, I don't think it's fair to blame the season for the ridiculously inhumane behavior of some people. People get trampled at concerts at other times of the year. I honestly can't imagine stepping on another person to get something for free, let alone on sale.

There are some great things about Christmas that give me a warm fuzzy feeling (Christmas slasher movies, for one).

Even though I enjoy the holiday, I'm aware enough to know that some people don't and I would never bring a shitload of musical crap in to work just to annoy someone. And I don't go on and on talking about it. I may decorate my work area, but that's my prerogative, just as it is someone else's prerogative to hate Christmas.

I couldn't possibly hate this time of year. My birthday falls in this month. Getting loot twice in the same season? Awesome! Sure, I no longer lie in anticipation of an Easy-Bake Oven or a particular doll, but I still love my toys, especially the electronic variety.

Oh, another thing I don't do? Complain about people who hate Christmas the way they complain about people who love it, so I think that makes me just a wee bit better than them--kidding!

Climbing down off my soapbox now, so everybody have a Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Festivus, or whatever, whether you want to or not--kidding!

User avatar

Dungeonbrownies on 12/24/2008 4:22 am

thats why some of us drink, not that its healthy, but that its damn reasonable.

User avatar

Copper on 12/24/2008 5:05 am

As part of the retail work force, it's the *commercialization* of Christmas that gets to me. Hell, we had Christmas cards in our store before HALLOWEEN was over. Hallow-freaking-ween. The non-stop Christmas carols are required (not suggested, REQUIRED) starting on Black Friday (this has happened in *two* stores I've worked in, not just the current one.) Oh, and Black Friday, yeah. Don't get me started. Thankfully, the past two years, I've worked the 'late' shift, so I get to go in *after* all the craziness has died down, even though I offer to take the morning shifts. I actually thrive on the chaos. That, and the sadistic side of me gets a kick out of saying "Nope, sorry, sold out. No rainchecks." to the customer standing in front of me with an overblown case of "entitlement syndrome" when they waited until the busiest shopping day of the year to come look for the hottest items we offer. (The same goes for the morons that do the same the week before Christmas.)

As for getting together with family, friends, whomever you choose to celebrate with, that, I'm all for. Heck, I've spent New Year's bouncing between my online chat group and my real family several times. I love giving and getting presents (especially that one "Ah-hah!" present that they never suspect but is perfect for them.)It can get rought at times to look past the negativity, but if you can find *something* in the season that makes you (or someone else) happy, I say more power to you.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Pixelmas, and to all the athiests out there, have a nice day!

(And don't blame me for the last one, I stole it from our local radio station.)


Police Truck (Guest) on 12/24/2008 6:17 am

Let's go beat up some hookers!

User avatar

Hangie on 12/24/2008 7:38 am

Copper, the proper greeting is have a KWAAAZY KWANZA.

User avatar

TheDoomThing on 12/24/2008 9:02 am

I'm planning to stay inside all day.
Glued to the computer, ftw!

Also, Proto, where'd you get that awesome black Santa hat?


trixie (Guest) on 12/24/2008 9:17 am

I have kids, but am divorced, so depending on who's year it is to have them, Christmas can be one of the worst holidays for me. So I totally get where you're coming from. But what I find really cheers me up when I'm having a bad case of holiday blues is to curl up in front of the tv with an arsenal of holiday themed horror movies. My personal favorite is, of course, Black Christmas, but Silent Night, Deadly Night (and sequels), Christmas Evil, Tales From the Crypt, Pranks, and, of course, Jack Frost all share a special place in my heart.

User avatar

King Credo on 12/24/2008 9:56 am

I feel the same way and I could never word it well. Thanks for writing it like the friggin God of Depression.

User avatar

jo8136 on 12/24/2008 11:35 am

Number6faye I too thought of the same psycho rodio clown. I think i'm going to change my signiture to "I'm The Psycho Rodio Clown Bitznatch"

User avatar

Silver on 12/24/2008 11:51 am

I have to agree with Proto and Copper about how annoying it is to have to tolerate Christmas related stuff since October. TV commercials start saturating my ears with those damned jingles and, by the time THE day has arrived, I assume that it's not a 24 hour celebration, but a goddamned one that lasts two months.

User avatar

Nick on 12/24/2008 12:25 pm

Nice DK shirt, Proto.


Musique (Guest) on 12/24/2008 1:30 pm

xsmas is not what it is supposed to be (as shown in some of Mr Burbank awesome entries) and yes, going shopping is unbearable with that music, and there's lotsa drunk driver around (mine is a small town w/ not-really-uber-cops-that-aren't-doing-their-jobs)celebrating this time of the year wich i'm pretty sure that they don't even kwon what it is supposed to mean.

And then there's new year, when other drunkards start shooting their guns in the air just because, and it is really dangerous and stupid and makes me feel unconfortable to know how anyone could die to a loose bullet because of these assholes.

Aside from that, i'm kind at heart and always try to wish a true and sincere ''happy holydays'' to the people i really care about; it makes me feel better too.

Happy holydays, I-Mockery crew ^^

User avatar

MissEvie on 12/24/2008 3:59 pm

I myself HATE those damn bell ringers!! I want to take those bells from them and hurt them. AND why must every place start playing christmas music 60 or 90 days before? It doesn't get me in the mood!. I have stopped shopping at any store that plays the music or sells decorations before dec 1. Means I do most shopping online but hey then I don't have to be bugged by those bell ringers!

Bah Humbug!

User avatar

Mental Pooperscooper on 12/24/2008 5:25 pm

Anyone else reminded of Santa's Slay by that picture?

User avatar

Copper on 12/24/2008 9:08 pm

Hangie: Thank you, I will remember that for the future.

Musique: We actually did have a girl in our town who was hit by a bullet like that because people forget about that lil' ol' thing...what's it called? Ohyeah...GRAVITY.

MissEvie: I was out one day, frazzled, and actually found that there was a bell ringer that wasn't ringing his bell. He was playing a trumpet! It was very cool to listen to him. And then, the next day, when I went into work, I could actually hear him across the lots as I went into my store. It was a very nice change up from the usual bells!

User avatar

Ronin S on 12/24/2008 9:19 pm

Oh, Proto, at least take comfort in the fact that we all love you.

I see it as being the good with the bad. I have a fairly sane family and I got time off to be with them and can relax and not cook, clean or work. But I too hate the insane shoppers, scrambling for gifts, and the latest crappy TV specials. Not the classics though.

And if you want a good way to deal with confronting all that if wrong with Christmas, I suggest you rent and watch "Jingle all the Way". It's such an awful movie, but the fact that it predicted furby, power rangers, pokemon and all those other toy crazes, as well as insane shoppers, evil santas and every other idiocy that accompanies Christmas is as awesome as it is scary.

User avatar

Fear N Loathing on 12/25/2008 9:56 am

Dig it Proto... I'm right there with you. This is my 5th Christmas NOT being in the states. I'm currently "Back in Baghdad" but it's the life I've chosen.

My biggest bitch is the people who, like your coworkers, FORCE the season on me. My kids are 8 and 10, and I've missed out a LOT of good memories as videotape and fotos just don't fucking cut it. My attitude is a Scrooge-ish "If I don't see it, it didn't happen" and then these hyper-terminaly fucking assholes come and hand out Christmas Music CDs and are all trying to decorate and remind us of the Season and blah blah blah...

I understand the IDEA behind Christmas. Just leave me the fuck alone while I slave in this Bomb Filled Insane Shithole of a Wanna-Be 4th World Anus. Fuck... even the locals don't want to hear the "Merry Christmas" shit anymore. Just shut the fuck up, and send me some bourbon ok?


yelinna (Guest) on 12/25/2008 3:58 pm

I see demon eyes!!

User avatar

Geminate on 12/26/2008 12:10 am

Without children, it is a black Christmas indeed for adults. I'm more depressed than you, but your suffering intrigues me. Just don't go around shooting people now ya hear?!


What? Yes. (Guest) on 12/26/2008 8:32 am

nice one Proto, good thing christmas isn't really that big where I live...

PS. Geminate: you do know that he was excaggerating?
if you are more derpressed than he implies, u should go see a shrink or something...

User avatar

Geminate on 12/27/2008 4:02 am

I see a psychiatrist four times a month...woohoo and yippee.

Leave a Reply

Available BBCode: [b] = bold, [i] = italics, [u] = underline,
[img] = insert image, [url] = insert hyperlink. See the full list.

Previous post: Looks Like Christmas Came A Little Early In Gingerbread Man Land This Year!
Next post: The Greatest Gift Of All: No More Head Cold! Thank You Santa.