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Where In The World Is Protoclown?

MTV Cribs needs to do a show all about my place!

Both of you have no doubt noticed by now that the writer known as Protoclown AKA the person known as, well, "me", has been absent for some time. Yes, that's correct. I haven't updated any content to the site since before Christmas, apart from the weekly reviews, which frankly don't take much time at all (except for the white border that goes around the images, which I painstakingly paint one pixel at a time by hand).

Where, oh where could I have been all this time? Was I up to my eyeballs in blow and the best Vegas hookers my absurd casino winnings could buy, the kind that can do delightful "tricks" with any number of random (but not too large) household objects? Perhaps I was on a crab fishing vessel in the North Pacific, disguised as a one-eyed Norwegian named Jaaren Boorger with a predilection for nibbling dark chocolate, patiently biding my time as I awaited the perfect moment to kill my mark? Or maybe I was Mickey Rourke, making a triumphant comeback to film, even though I thought I'd already made a triumphant comeback by appearing in several Robert Rodriguez films?

Sadly I have been doing none of these things (except for that bit about Mickey Rourke, thank God I haven't been doing that). No, I have been moving. Into a new house. A very slow move. A snail's paced move, if you will. A move with two month's notice, yet still somehow consumes all of my time and energy. If you were thinking that having two months to prepare would somehow turn moving into a leisurely, relaxed experience, boy are you fucking wrong. No, I'm afraid that only prolongs the torment and stretches time in a way that would make Reed Richards proud.

This last week in particular has been most annoying. Every night I come home from work, and there are boxes that await me. I must fill the boxes, careful to avoid the whips cracking around me, and then I must carry the loaded boxes to their destination. Upon my return, there are more boxes waiting to be filled, and the mountain of comics, movies, music and games must be mined anew, with only the dim glow of my dusty helmet to light my way. The supply never diminishes, and the pain is all I can remember. Indeed, it seems I have found an endless fountain of heavy, oh so heavy entertainment media that mocks me as I must eternally shovel. It is the holy grail for some. For me, it is my just punishment for too many trips to the altar of Best Buy.

So that is where I have been. And each night when they finally let me finish and crawl into my dark hovel, my screaming soul has no heart left for laughter, and my cracked, broken fingers cannot summon the strength to wrap themselves around a pencil, much less a keyboard, which is really far too big to wrap one's fingers around, unless one has hands that could be considered a medical oddity, or perhaps a lady's special friend.

But fear not! I shall return soon, at full strength and three varying speeds, because there are some comics out there trying to sneak past me while they think me not so vigilant. Well, not on my watch, buster. Not on my watch.


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Doctor_Who on 01/14/2009 5:51 am

Yeah, moving is a bitch. It gets to the point where you want to light most of your own worldly possessions on fire rather than pack one more box.

Wait until you actually complete the move. You'll think you can relax now, but I guarantee that a year from now you'll still have boxes you swear you will "get around" to unpacking next weekend.

It's best to just leave them until the next time you move. It saves time, and cardboard is nicely flammable.

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hisholiness on 01/14/2009 6:16 am

I have vowed never to move again after my last time 2 years ago. If I can't hire a moving company then I guess I'm not ready to move is how i'm looking at it from now on. So are you still on the east coast or did you make the big trek out west?

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Icculus on 01/14/2009 9:17 am

My next plan for moving is im packing up the bare esentials that I've collected over the years (comics, cell phone, coffee maker) and I'm going to open up my doors and sell everything I own. I'd rather just by new stuff rather than play moving truck tetris for the millionth time.

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rizzo on 01/14/2009 10:43 am

Moving sucks...this is why, excluding my electronics and books, I own about 4 medium size boxes worth of 'stuff'.

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Silver on 01/14/2009 10:58 am

And to think I am moving sometime this first half of the year. Thankfully, I discard plenty of stuff I consider needless, so I hope not to suffer a lot.

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GreenPeaness on 01/14/2009 11:05 am

Look on the bright side. TPBs, comics, games and movies are all easily stackable inside boxes. You could be stuck with pottery and various figurines - brikabrak - that isn't. I'd rather carry one 900lb box of TPBs than make 90 trips carrying a third-full box of kitten figurines wrapped in newspaper.

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Angryhydralisk on 01/14/2009 12:06 pm

Funny I'm also moving this month. Except I don't have NEARLY as much stuff as you have, Proto. And seeing pictures like that take any incriments of guilt right outta me about having a lot of stuff.

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greenimp on 01/14/2009 4:33 pm

"Where, oh where could I have been all this time?" this put me in mind of a childrens book :P where is protoclown? is he under the bed? noooooo


Cruxader (Guest) on 01/14/2009 5:51 pm

Some people may read this and think "Man is that guy melodramatic..." For those of us who have felt your pain though, the terror and drama of moving is all to real. May God be with you, because no else is at this time in your life....

Yes. I hate moving with an unbridled passion too...

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Protoclown on 01/14/2009 6:42 pm

I guess I should've made clear that the picture I've included is NOT my stuff. I just found that picture on google. My stuff actually amounts to less than that, but after you move 20 longboxes of comics, you start to wonder if you really need so many damned comics after all...

Oh, and hisholiness, I am actually only moving about five minutes away from where I'm at now. One of my roommates bought a condo but he can't afford it without renters. It's WAY nicer than where I'm at now, so it seemed like an obvious choice.


ColdFusion (Guest) on 01/14/2009 7:54 pm

I know how you feel, and yet, one time I had to pack everything I had up in -10 minutes- and.. I don't know how, but I did it.. kinda combination of running away and getting kicked out.. yeah. Somewhat less pleasant.

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Silver on 01/14/2009 8:22 pm

And here I was... Starting to worry about so many stuff...

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stevetothepast on 01/14/2009 9:26 pm

I hate moving, it seems like each time i do, I sell some of my movies games, books etc. and always give away my furniture to only acquire new just as shitty couches etc.

And here I was thinking you were out nibbling dark chocolate


mike (Guest) on 01/14/2009 11:18 pm


I've got a ghastly comic for you to review- Marvel's "Power Pachyderms", publish date: Sept. 1989. It's an X-Men/Elektra parody with yes, quasi- elephant heroes. It also has the three Stooges and Shemp in it, and I assume Roger Stern wrote it on lots and lots of LSD. Interested?

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Dungeonbrownies on 01/15/2009 4:00 am

5 minutes away?

I was hoping for westcoast move, not 5 minutes, but thats ok.

It was just trying to realize a dream of one day inviting internet celebs to go drinking -_-

But do incllude bits on how it goes after youre done, good luck moving!


Desert_Screams (Guest) on 01/15/2009 12:15 pm

I'm just glad you're not Mickey Rourke.

That would be.....blargh. *shudders*

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Protoclown on 01/15/2009 12:37 pm

Mike, absolutely I am interested!! Do you have a scanned copy? Email me.

And Dungeonbrownies, I WILL be at the Comic Con this summer for what that's worth...


Jack9Riley (Guest) on 01/15/2009 11:01 pm

Next time you need to move just hang around an elementary school and flash some money around. Children will do anything for money.

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Kat on 01/16/2009 10:17 am

Yeah I moved about three minutes away during the summer. It only took me four days, though, because all I did day and night was move. Wake up, move. Pass out. Wake up, move.

Running up and down stairs wiht boxes and furniture that's so huge and oddly shapped I'm wondering how the hell they got it in the house in the first place. It seems as if all the HEAVIEST FURNITURE IN THE WORLD was chosen to decorate our house.

I could go on, I suppose. All I'm saying is I know the feeling. But take your time. After all the moving is done and your back finally realigns it might just be worth it.


mike (Guest) on 01/16/2009 9:11 pm

Tried to email you, but it didn't work, I don't know why- the comic's yours if you want it, I'm mike at Contact me if interested.

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Jaimas on 01/17/2009 4:55 pm

I'm amazed Protoclown's never gotten back to me about the comic I sent him scans of, especially given that I sent him an email about it at least three seperate occasions. It probably didn't make it because I use AOL.

It was a Detective Comics segment called "Dostoyevsky Comics," which basically retold Crime and Punishment, using silver age Batman characters. Needless to say, it was completely insane, even by the staggering standards of Frank Miller and the Goddamned Batman.

Highlights include Batman murdering several people with an Axe, Robin in Drag, and the Joker as an old lady. And that's just in the first 5 pages. If nothing else, it'd have been good for Protocomics humor.

Example is the cover, here:

More available on request.

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Colonel Flagg on 01/18/2009 8:33 am

@jaimas - HBYBM

Moving sucks. I won't move again until someone moves me out in a pine box.

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Jaimas on 01/18/2009 1:53 pm

By the gods, where the crap are my manners at?!

It's good to hear you're (almost) back, Proto. Moving sucks ass, especially when you've got a lot of large/heavy objects from a lot of rooms to move. I moved to a friend's for about a year a few years back, and for just one room full of my crap, it took me nearly 23 trips.

I am never doing that again. I sympathize, man. :(

I'm going to try to get the Dostoyevsky comics up later today. Xanga and Photobucket are being uncooperative.

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Protoclown on 01/22/2009 9:29 pm

Jaimas! Email me again about those comics, if you would. I'm not sure I ever did receive them. I do recognize that cover image and I remember that, but I don't remember ever seeing the actual scans of the comics themselves!!


Ian Shaw (Guest) on 02/23/2009 2:58 am

I also do not like to move.. but unfortunately I am moving next month , because my father has got a new job in another city. lot of things! do not know what will i do with these things??

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