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Yes Sir, Dollar General, Sir!

I was searching through some of my files earlier today and found some photos that I completely forgot to post over the holidays. Of course, I had moose mugs and peppermint crunch Junior Mints on my mind at the time, so it's easy to see how a guy could forget to update his blog. Fortunately, this isn't really a holiday season entry, so it doesn't matter that I'm finally getting around to posting it in February.

In December, we paid a visit to Nags Head to visit some family for the holidays. This was my first time there during the winter, which isn't too surprising considering it's a beach town and everything there dies down after the summer. Trust me, the desire to ride a jet ski or a banana boat drops in conjunction with the temperature of the water.

Way to go! Have fun with that repair bill, Popeye.

That said, there are still ways to entertain yourself in a beach town during the winter season. For one thing, you can tour the damage done to the beaches and the docks of the nearby marinas. As you can see in the photo above, the bad weather has a knack for exposing novice sailors who don't know how to tie a spring line and end up having their boats ram up against the docks whenever it gets real windy out.

Aside from that, you can check out the local shops, but many of them close up during the winter since there aren't many vacationers in town. So where can you go? To the Outer Banks Dollar General store!

It's like going to a really bad carnival, only cheaper.

Yes indeedy, the Dollar General store has long been a source of amusement for me over the years, because they're basically a bastion of ultra-cheap, generic products that no other other store was able to sell. So, while we were in Nags Head, we decided to pay a visit to the Dollar General and here are some of the amazing products we found:

Who wouldn't want to eat a panda?

First up, we have a box of Gummi Panda Bears. While I suspect these aren't as uncommon as I'd like to think, these were the first time I had ever seen them and I couldn't be more excited about it. I think they'd be better if the bodies were chocolate and the heads were vanilla, but they decided to make these pandas tutti frutti flavored instead. Regardless, it's always good to know we live in a world where you can pose the question "Can I eat a panda?" and receive an affirmative response.

Hey kids! Who wants poop cereal for breakfast?

Next was a box of Cocoa Drops cereal, clearly a generic brand rip-off of Cocoa Puffs. Re loves a good poop joke and couldn't stop laughing at this box, and since her laugh is infectious, I started laughing at it too. Yes, there we were, having flown across the entire country for the holidays, standing in a Dollar General store, laughing at a box of Cocoa Drops. Awesome. In all seriousness though, it is amazing how the word "drops" sounds far more unappetizing than "puffs" does. Call them Cocoa Orbs or Cocoa Meteors... pretty much anything is gonna sound better than Cocoa Drops.

Jebus and Diabetes go hand in hand!

Despite being a great place for people to vacation, there are plenty of conservative, ├╝ber-religious people in this town and the Dollar General wouldn't let us forget about that. In addition to a variety of porcelain cherubs holding bibles, they had these Inspirational Candy Pops. Yep, now you can have your religion and eat it too. After all, who wouldn't want to take a bite out of the bible? Why, I'm feeling inspired already just thinking about it!

It's Sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime Time!

Moving onward to the best part of the store, the toy aisle, my eyes were instantly drawn into the bags o' slime that were sitting near some small cans of noise putty. Sure, they had the typical blood bags, but I was more interested in the alien and oil slime packs. While the alien slime is of unknown origins, it was about as neon green as any slime I've ever seen and was generously donated by "I.M. Alive". The oil slime was my favorite, simply because black slime is far more uncommon than any of the other colors. Add in a rocket as the source of this sludge and "Russ T. Robo" as the cheesy donor pun, and you've got yourself a winning combination right there. Considering most of the slime from my childhood toy playsets has dried up, it's reassuring to know that dollar stores will always have me covered.

Say kids! Now you can drink just like daddy does!

Another gem I found in the toy section was this big pile of pirate flasks. I'm actually torn on these, because while I do think all children should be encouraged to become pirates when they grow up, I'm not sure starting them out with hard liquor is the way to go. Actually, now that I think about it, that probably is a pretty good way to start them off on becoming pirates so they can drunkenly tie up their boats during stormy weather seasons and wreak havoc on the docks.

Uh oh, it's magic!

Take a look at these bad boys. You can't tell me that these things don't just scream PORN. Sure, they're magic tricks, but with names like "Cups & Balls" and "Penetration Frame" coupled with a company called "Platinum Magic", you could probably find products with the same exact names in just about any sex shop. Warning: Make sure somebody cups your balls before using the penetration frame.

I prefer my slime eggs sunny-side up.

A Slime Egg! Yes! This particular Dollar General is clearly a mecca for all things slimy. Unfortunately, as you can probably tell from the photo, the Slime Egg was all dried up and only a crusty rubber yolk remained. It's too bad, because Slime Eggs, complete with spatula and pan, are one of the greatest and most disgustingly realistic slime creations I've seen in my life. If you don't believe me, you can check out this video footage of one in action. The good news is, they're not too hard to track down online and I bought one on eBay recently. I suggest you do the same, because we all need a Slime Egg in our lives and I have a feeling they won't be around much longer.

Squirt Devils - like Madballs, only cheaper and squirtier?

Finally, amidst all the other wacky ball novelties such as the Splatter Ball, the inflatable Spiky Ball and the Slider Ball, were Squirt Devils! At first glance, I honestly thought they were Madballs, and it's easy to see why.

Nice packaging, eh? Thanks kids!

These things are blatant rip-offs of the classic Madballs, right down to the packaging and the coloring of the logo. And just as Madballs have a "Sick Series", these Squirt Devils are a part of the "Horrible Series" of balls. As you know I'm a huge fan of Madballs and was extremely excited when they re-released them a few years back (you can read my article about those Madballs here), so seeing these rip-offs for a buck was something I simply couldn't pass up. I've seen plenty of generic Madballs over the years, but these ones are surprisingly decent. While a few of the designs are somewhat original, there's no denying that the green one is a total copy of Madballs' "Slobulus", right down to his eyeball leaking out. Of course, they're not solid as you can tell from the photo. As a result, I couldn't find a single package where the blister wasn't completely mangled from kids who tried to squeeze the living daylights out of 'em. After all, these ones are made to suck in water and spurt it out when you squeeze 'em. Still, four bux for a complete set of fairly decent Madballs knockoffs that squirt water? That's what I call money well spent.

All in all, it was another fine trip to the ol' Dollar General. You have to really look on the bright side whenever you leave a store like that and remind yourself that no matter how bad things may get, you'll never resort to eating lollipops with bibles on them..... or purchasing discount Santa statues that will give you nightmares for the rest of your life.

Ho, ho, ho?

15 comments

User avatar

Nick on 02/02/2010 11:14 pm

Dollar General stores are what stimulates the American economy.



Guest

Mutant Turd (Guest) on 02/02/2010 11:41 pm

When I was living in Pass Christian, MS after Hurricane Katrina (doing demolition and construction work)the only stores that were open and actually in town were Dollar General, Dollar Tree and a Shell gas station with a fried chicken restaurant inside it. I can't count how many plastic combs I bought from Dollar General. I swear they were good for two uses then the teeth would break off like a leper's limbs. Oh, the memories.



User avatar

HowardC on 02/03/2010 12:45 am

Man your dollar store had some pretty decent stuff. The ones around here generally don't have many toys, or at least toys you wouldn't be ashamed to buy. Except for the creepy santa... we've got that one here... it still haunts my dreams.



Guest

doopa (Guest) on 02/03/2010 4:41 am

He left out one awesome part, which were these 2 women in line ooing and awwing at one another's pile of crap they were buying, and one of the women said to the other "Can you just imagine how much we'd end up paying for all of this at Walmart!"



User avatar

Aries on 02/03/2010 11:12 am

McGruff says...take a bite out of the bible!



User avatar

Julio on 02/03/2010 6:30 pm

The last thing I ever expected to see was a bag of lollipops with religious decorations. Guess that's exactly what devoted mothers give to their children if they behave well (but won't allow a sinful chocolate bar to be eaten by them).



Guest

Misty (Guest) on 02/04/2010 2:02 am

I'm glad I'm not the only one who immediatly thought of porn when I saw the names of those cheap magic tricks. There is definitely a sex shop out there selling items with those exact names, and if there isn't, there ought to be.



User avatar

caffman on 02/04/2010 9:32 am

Am I the only one who wants to buy creepy Santa to keep carol singers away next year?



User avatar

bountyhunterseven on 02/04/2010 8:35 pm

i love how the gummi pandas are made with real fruit juice....just like real pandas!!! mmmm, tasty, tasty fruit-juice-filled pandas...



Guest

Cadpig (Guest) on 02/05/2010 10:01 am

I saw the slime egg and

I

JIZZED

IN

MY

PANTS!



Guest

Misty (Guest) on 02/08/2010 4:45 am

Woah, this is a weird coincidence. You know what I saw a spot for in the Valentines Day aisle at Target yesterday? Religious lollypops. Unfortunitly they didn't actually have there, so I have no idea what they look like. They could've been in the shape of Jesus' head for all I know.



User avatar

-RoG- on 02/08/2010 6:19 am

And to think, you could've eaten Jesus' head. Well, we've all had a few regrets here 'n there...



User avatar

toolz88 on 02/08/2010 6:31 pm

The bible lollipops are cool. But not as cool as the white and milk choclate cross, that you can buy at easter.



User avatar

Lindyloo on 02/16/2010 1:39 pm

Haha...I feel inspired!! I think I probably might just spend a little more time in the toy section at the local DG next time I'm in there! Just for {more!} laughs.



Guest

ColdFusion (Guest) on 02/23/2010 6:46 pm

Sorry a bible on a lollipop offends you e_e
What's sad is it probably offends plenty of its target demographic too.. Sigh, can't win..

Now technically it just says 'inspirational' candy.. so I'm gonna say that's the magic book from Zelda 1. Eat it and you can make fireballs with the stick!



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