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Bizarre Toy Find #1: Space Knight!

If there's one thing I love, it's going out and exploring the goods that random shops around the city have to offer and stumbling upon hilariously crappy toys. Sometimes they're bootleg toys, clearly trying to cash in on popular properties, and other times, they're simply generic toys from distant lands with a horrible grasp on the English language. If you're really lucky, you'll sometimes find a combination of both.

Now I've covered a lot of stupid toys here on I-Mockery in the past, and even shared some of my recent finds at a Dollar General store, but today I wanted to start up a new series of blog entries here that focus on single bizarre toy finds that I discover in my travels. After all, amassing enough crazy toys to do a full feature piece on takes quite a bit o' time, but posting about individual toys I find here 'n there shouldn't be a problem.

With that in mind, let's get to my first bizarre toy find:

Space Knight! Eat your heart out, Darth Vader!
Space Knight!

Space Knight is an action figure from china that has no back story; the package he comes in has a blank cardboard backing. Even though there is no official back story to Space Knight, there is so much we can gather from just looking at him. First off, he's clearly a big rip-off of Darth Vader. Sure he has a slightly less flashy helmet, but he makes up for it with a pearl-like smile on his mask and bright red nipples. Any kid worth his or her salt would easily imagine those nipples shooting lasers, so that's a big plus for this figure already. Nipple lasers.

Glow Sword beats light saber any day of the week and Twinkle Eyes beat ALL eyes.

There's also the promotional language on the package that makes you want to play with Space Knight right away. No, I'm not talking about the choking hazard warning (though that's always a strong selling point), I'm speaking of the picture of Space Knight in the bottom right corner which is halfway covered up by the packaging bubble. "Glow Sword & Twinkle Eyes" is what it reads. GLOW SWORD & TWINKLE EYES! True, they could've gone with the more conventional "laser eyes" in an attempt to draw in the young male demographic, but this Chinese company likes to think outside of the box. What could be more menacing than a Space Knight, with laser nipples, coming right at you and the last thing you get to see is the glow of his sword and the twinkle of his eyes? A chilling thought indeed.

Perhaps Pablo Picasso designed this cubist ship? Space Picasso.

I can only assume that depiction of the odd shaped vessel to the left of his head is his space ship. While it doesn't appear to be the most aerodynamic of designs, and I'm pretty sure one shot to that bright orange orb on the back would destroy it, it still has that special something that says, "I belong to Space Knight." I guess it's safe to say that Space Knight is a big fan of the cubism movement. Vader had his TIE Advance X1, Space Knight had this... thing. I suppose it does need a name. For now, I think I'll go with "The Twinklor Q7". It has a nice ring to it, don't ya think?

While I could go on and on about the greatness of our new friend, Space Knight, I think a quick video clip demonstrating his greatest feature is in order. For you see, not only does he come with a glow sword and twinkle eyes, but he emits some amazing sounds as well. Sounds that one can only imagine are an accurate representation of the screams of the thousand-plus souls who fell before his mighty light saber, er... glow sword. Either that, or they're sounds you'd find on your average novelty keychain. Enjoy!

Just imagine that being the last thing you ever saw or heard and I think you can start to appreciate why Space Knight is in a league of his own. Space Knight, my friend, you're two dollars WELL spent.

So that wraps it up for this first installment of my bizarre toy finds, so please share your thoughts on Space Knight here in the blog. I'd also like to welcome any suggestions for toys for me to cover in the future. If you've seen any crazy toys in a store recently that you think I should know about, please email me the details about it and I'll see if I can track it down or work out some way for you to send one to me to cover.



blomps (Guest) on 03/01/2010 9:40 am

The back of his ship kind of looks like the hellraiser puzzlebox.

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robo_rob on 03/01/2010 10:43 am

I love dollar store toys. Got a wrestler around here somewhere with 666 on his chest courtesy of Dollar Tree.

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caffman on 03/01/2010 11:15 am

I will have to look out for some over here. I saw one that was a cross between Darth Vader and spiderman. Now that was odd


Nate (Guest) on 03/01/2010 11:38 am

I like how his sound effects end with what sounds like a Tommy Gun.
I guess Space Knight is so powerful, that he has not only transcended space.. but time itself.


Doctor_Who (Guest) on 03/01/2010 12:59 pm

"Glow Sword & Twinkle Eyes" sounds like an awesome name for either a children's educational show on PBS or a 1980s progressive rock band.

Great find, RoG. Hope you can scrounge up more masterpieces like that.

Oh, and I just watched a movie last night with Toby Huss in it. All I could think of the whole time was his recent appearance on Doc Mock.

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Delicious Salad on 03/01/2010 2:21 pm

What does it say next to his head? "Made to play, Tom Aries wounded"? I hope Tom is OK.

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DonkeyRyan on 03/01/2010 2:32 pm

I wish it screamed eyes.


Shen (Guest) on 03/01/2010 7:24 pm

might be a cheap toy, but i didn't expect it to sound and look that awesome once he pressed the button, i'm impressed

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s0n1c m0nk3y on 03/01/2010 8:37 pm

His ship doesn't have to be aerodynamic in space, does it?

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saturnknight on 03/01/2010 9:39 pm

I'll keep an eye out for items like that RoG, and I'll be sure to send pics of them.

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blood_panther on 03/01/2010 10:14 pm

well about his be fair since theres no air in space there is really no need for a spaceship to be aerodynamic.

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wetstereorebel on 03/01/2010 10:41 pm

His costume reminds me of Jack Kirby. Kirby's art, not the man himself.

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Captain Seamus on 03/01/2010 11:23 pm

"Space Knight and The Nipple Lasers" would be a pretty awesome band. Or a cartoon. Or anything, really.

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HowardC on 03/02/2010 1:51 am

Cool toy. I just wanted to point out that he isn't smiling, those are air hoses for his mask. Saw some odd ones at the dollar general today... a wrestler with man-boobs painted up like gene simmons. So in other words gene simmons. ;)

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Taco Head on 03/02/2010 4:13 am

I remember an old article where you found a mutant storm trooper RoG, Maybe that trooper and Space Knight should get together and have some wacky adventures. That sounds like a grate Saturday morning cartoon.

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Pentegarn on 03/02/2010 8:39 am

When I was at a Family Dollar, they had these action figures called "Fighter GT". A glace was all it took to see these were direct knock offs of Dragonball GT characters. How they managed to get away with it I will never know.But they were 5 dollars for a package with 3 figures, so I bought 2 packages, hung them proudly on my wall, and there they stayed till I moved and they got lost.

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SunnyD on 03/02/2010 9:51 am

I once saw a toy called "EXTREME NINJA". he was about a foot tall and neon orange with a light saber and 2 semi-automatic weapons. extreme indeed

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DavidFullam on 03/02/2010 12:22 pm

That square ship is also ripped from something else, a piece of pulp artwork or a book cover. I know, I've seen it before and am now driving myself insane trying to find the source.

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ChrisGlass on 03/02/2010 4:41 pm

I can only assume that he had his laser nipples pierced with that giant grill hanging from them.


ColdFusion (Guest) on 03/02/2010 7:21 pm

I like this idea :D one toy at a time is awesome.. Hooray for bizarre toys! hehehe.. it's not even a sword.. it's just a glowing.. rod.. eek.. it's .. a sonic screwdriver?


nirvana_infinity (Guest) on 03/02/2010 9:31 pm

Yes, as robo rob pointed out, DEFINITELY check out your local Dollar Tree. They also come in the form of Dollar King, Dollar Land, Dollar Deals, etc. Here in KY, I recently bought a ton of Marvel comics posters, an Iron Man snorkel (for the tub), "Magic Towels (the tiny cubes that turn into washcloths in water);" and a plethora of "Grow Your Own" items such as ears of corn and pythons. And always be on the lookout for Transformers ripoffs- they run rampant!!!!

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ljdarten on 03/03/2010 8:45 am

"Glow Sword & Twinkle Eyes" could be Ace and Garys' new name if they wanted to create new superhero identities.

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Kilgore Cod on 03/03/2010 5:50 pm

Is it just me or is the glow sword not included?

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-RoG- on 03/03/2010 7:21 pm

Taco Head, haha yeah, that was actually the first "Shorts" piece I ever did back in the day. You can view it here:

DavidFullam, if you ever figure out what pulp art that ship is from, definitely let me know as I've never seen it before.

Kilgore Cod, the glow sword is included, it's just translucent plastic so it's probably hard to see in the photos.

Anyway, I'll definitely check my local dollar stores for more toys, guys... I often do that anyway. Plenty o' hilarious gems to be found in there.

I already have some more ridiculous toys to review, but I should also let you know that the saga of Space Knight is far from over. Oh yes indeed, I've found some more interesting things related to him which will be unveiled in the not too distant future!


Enrique (Guest) on 03/05/2010 6:03 pm

Hmmm, I think i´ve heard those sounds from a pinball machine...

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Jaimas on 03/09/2010 1:57 am

The only thing that beats this is the old POLICE ROBOT Toy I found at a Dollar Tree which had a flashing LED built into its crotch for reasons probably best left nebulous.

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-RoG- on 03/09/2010 2:03 am

Jaimas, I wanna see some photos and/or video of said Police Robot toy. Post 'em!

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StarscreamTheWaffle on 03/14/2010 9:23 pm

Well, aerodynamics are useless in space, so why not make your ship look weird and flashy? Also, why not do that "Russian Roulette for Kids" hippo gun thing that you talked about a few years ago? I'd like to read more about it.


David C (Guest) on 03/21/2010 9:02 pm

The ship is from a set of prints sold thru starlog magazine in thr 1980's fyi


Katharayen (Guest) on 09/24/2011 11:55 am

Dude! Ashens totally reviewed it too! It's interesting to see it again. What a weird toy.

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