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The Most Amazing Product Description EVER.

My friends, you're in for a hell of a treat today, for I stumbled onto a costume accessory at the local Halloween Club seasonal shop that will absolutely astound you. This is something that has ravaged my mind for the past week and only now am I able to even muster the strength... no... the courage to post about it. What I thought was a mere pirate sword turned out to be much, much more upon closer inspection. Let's start with the actual product first:

Battery Operated Power Weapon - SWORD OF THE FUTURE!

You'd think it would be called something simple like "Pirate Sword" or "Pirate Scimitar", but no, they went with the far more intriguing "Battery Operated Power Weapon" instead. A name like that really makes you believe you're about to purchase more than a mere sword... you're purchasing a weapon with powers that are only limited by the quality of the batteries found within. And then there's the matter of the packaging artwork:

Wizard woman, who are you?

Who is this warrior woman who appears to be straight out of a Conan film? What is the sword doing to her? Is she drawing powers from it? What's with the bird perched upon her shoulders? Is her backstory something akin to The Crow, and now she's back for revenge with the help of her Battery Operated Power Weapon? All I know is, I would stay the hell out of her way, because when she's done having orgasmic reactions to her weapon, chances are she's gonna go out and murder people for fun.

None of this, and I mean NONE OF THIS compares to what I found on the back of the package. Click "more" to hit the jump and have your life changed forever:


Your eyes do not deceive you. This actually exists. Those words were actually arranged like that. This is real life.

"Elucidation: The artificial intelligence pirate knife is the best project of design, its function follows the plays all very many, for provide to more childs but work well the preparation of. Under 3 years old of child can't use it to play, will bring danger for them probably."

What's amazing is that they introduce it with the word "elucidation", suggesting that the text which follows would make things clearer. In reality, the text raised so many questions that my world came crumbling down, and I was later found huddled, naked and trembling in a crawlspace I apparently dug with my bare hands and no recollection of how I ended up there.

Your help is needed in getting to the bottom of what message the Battery Operated Power Weapon is trying to convey to us, but beware! Trying to decipher such a cryptic message will bring danger to you, probably.

Horror. Mystery. Adventure. This is what Halloween is all about folks.


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Jigby Huggletinks on 09/10/2010 2:35 am

I couldn't keep my composure when I got to "will bring danger to them probably". That just kills me, too much.

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caffman on 09/10/2010 7:06 am

over in the UK the Ann Summers range of shops have many battery operated power weapons that give women that look!


Ben (Guest) on 09/10/2010 8:49 am

"Artificial intelligence?" You know what this means. This isn't just a weapon. It's a wacky sidekick.

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Taco Head on 09/10/2010 9:01 am

An artificial intelligence pirate knife?! My question is what does an artificial intelligence pirate knife do? Does it slice, dice AND make julienne fries? Will it's advanced A.I. made in China give suggestions to children for the kind of play they can have together so "its function follows the plays all very many, for provide to more childs but work well the preparation of."? If in the unfortunate event that a child under the age of 3 get a hold of the artificial intelligence pirate knife will it tell them to kill their parents? That will bring danger to them probably. I'm on to you artificial intelligence pirate knife, I'm on to you!!


Vert (Guest) on 09/10/2010 10:37 am


No, really. It's freaking brilliant!

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Julio on 09/10/2010 10:52 am

When I first read that description I thought that it was written by a retarded version of Yoda.


AllHallowSteve (Guest) on 09/10/2010 1:28 pm

I actually laughed out loud when I got to "... will bring danger for them probably."

Holy crap. I have to buy this just to immortalize it.

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Shadowdancer21b on 09/10/2010 3:20 pm

That artwork is nothing short of epic. It's got all the imagery.

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MarioRPG on 09/10/2010 5:33 pm

They are unsure as to the danger it brings to toddlers... None have been in close enough proximity.


ColdFusion (Guest) on 09/10/2010 6:18 pm

Jeeez, 9 bucks? well it does have some very nice detailing...

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-RoG- on 09/10/2010 6:49 pm

ColdFusion - Oh but it's well worth the 9 bucks, for look what else this amazing weapon worthy of the gods can do!

I believe that's where the artificial intelligence is stored. And the danger... probably.


VilaWolf (Guest) on 09/10/2010 7:34 pm

Sounds like something out of the world of synnibarr...

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Julio on 09/10/2010 7:52 pm

AllHallowSteve: Yes, that line also made me laugh out loud.


CrazyBlues (Guest) on 09/10/2010 10:18 pm

Here's my translation of the warning label:

"Warning: The artificial intelligence pirate knife looks nice, but was designed with the intended use of a toy. This can be given to a child, but proceed with caution.

Children under the age of 3 should not use this, as it can be dangerous."

By the way, I think that the box has done it's job properly, and shouldn't be criticized so harshly. After all, despite being a stupid kid's toy made by a no-name company and sold at a costume shop, it managed to grab the attention of a website that has a fairly large number of online followers. (Hint: That would be you guys.)

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Durin on 09/10/2010 11:06 pm

Hrmmmm. I think in the first sentence design is a person, or a master artificial intelligence. It also appears that the knife is made to provide for more children of this AI, and to prepare them for something. Also the knife seems to require three years of aging before it can activate, and there is of course danger involved.

Mystery solved.

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duanewolff on 09/10/2010 11:46 pm

I'd like to give the woman on the package "some danger probably"....

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toolz88 on 09/11/2010 1:31 am

Must Obey The artificial intelligence pirate knife Command me my master and I will do thy bidding.

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Dungeonbrownies on 09/11/2010 3:15 am

By Jove... he who wields the sword controls the world!

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Captain Seamus on 09/11/2010 10:52 am

The Battery Operated Power Weapon made it's way into my dreams last night.

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dextire on 09/11/2010 12:34 pm

That's great! :)
I wonder if it's safe to decipher the message as long as I don't have the "knife". It makes sense I would be, probably.


Frostor (Guest) on 09/11/2010 5:26 pm

Some of the finest Engrish ever produced. For some reason, I imagined the text being spoken by a pompous and flamboyant Englishman, possibly because it begins with the lovely word, "elucidation," or more likely because that's the voice of my own inner monologue.

In any case, I believe a rough translation could read as follows:

"The robotic pirate sword is a fantastic toy, which can provide children with fun in many play scenarios. However, make sure to supervise children well during play. Not for children under three years of age, due to the possibility of injury."

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HowardC on 09/12/2010 1:37 am

I... I ... I I I waaant the kniiiiffffe!



Kenji (Guest) on 09/12/2010 5:41 am

Damn you, CrazyBlues!
Don't you dare attempt at elucidating the riddle!
The packaging is the Law!
Thou shalt read the Law, but shalt not elucubrate upon its meaning, nor discuss it with other scholars, lest the fury of Hoor-Pa-Kraat descend upon thee!!
We all have a right to dream here! Please don't rob us of our youthful dreams with your attempts at rationality.

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Jaimas on 09/12/2010 12:41 pm

It's a Glow Sword.

RoG, has this given you twinkle eyes yet? If it has, I can safely say that the resulting Space Knight/Pickleman hybrid will soon terrorize the southeastern United States in a shower of pickle-juice and laser-nipple rage.

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

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megakungfujesus on 09/12/2010 8:11 pm

And with this sword Skynet was born. We're all fucked now.

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Copper on 09/13/2010 1:19 am

I agree with Mega. I think it needs to be destroyed before the Power Swords enslave us all.

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bountyhunterseven on 09/13/2010 1:22 am

i dunnnooo...i think its hooey!!! i mean, id believe it if it were at 11.95 still....but bargain priced at 8.96??? i think its a Knock off power weapon....


Nadea (Guest) on 09/13/2010 1:39 am

Haha... that sword girl with the bird is Raven, done by famous fantasy artist Luis Royo. Wow. I bet he'd be PROUD to know that his art was promoting something as awesome as this. No, really. I mean that. I do.

Imagine the kickbacks he's making from the sales!

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Starscream on 09/13/2010 10:37 am

Rog, I think what the Battery Operated Power Weapon means to say is "All your base are belong to us"

The "artificial intelligence pirate knife is the best project of design" is probably best serve to meet these diabolical ends.

It's "function follows the plays all very many, for provide to more childs but work well the preparation of" probably suggests that the pirates mean to do so through children, using a varity Lombardi-like Football plays.

"Under 3 years old of child can't use it to play, will bring danger for them probably." Most likely hints to the swords weakness: 3 year olds. Way it sounds 3 year old probably aren't effected by the swords mind control because they're minds are in fact still mush.. this means that 3 year olds can be used as fodder in our plans to defeat the pirates.

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-RoG- on 09/13/2010 1:18 pm

Nadea - Haha, you're absolutely right! Look at this:

That's the original "Raven" image by Luis Royo. And this is the packaging for the sword:

The only thing they did was change the sword in her hand... and I'm honestly surprised they even bothered to do that much. Thanks for letting me know.

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Gix on 09/13/2010 3:55 pm

lol, that's a kickass toy,imo


Damian (Guest) on 09/20/2010 8:00 pm

I've been lurking on this website for about 3 years now, but this finally got me to come out of the shadows and comment on something. -Rog-, I can not thank you enough for providing us with this comedic gem that would have been lost if not your efforts. I would try to coded messages probably decipher if danger would me to happen.

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SGFAZ1 on 09/20/2010 10:11 pm

I think the AI sword thingamabob is going to kill you if it doesn't like you, especially if you are a childs of 3 years, probably.


Hugglebump (Guest) on 09/24/2010 1:59 am

I for one welcome our new Power Sword Masters.


Jony (Guest) on 10/01/2010 8:34 pm

You guys got it all wrong, as the description reads, and Rog clearly ilustrates in the GIF, it is indeed a Battery Operated Power Weapon, more specifically, a weapon equiped with a miniature arc reactor, and repulser technology strong enough to fly a human sized proyectile at supersonic speeds, or, if applied to a vibrating device, make an earthquake strong enough to level a city, (or to make a woman very, very happy). You need a titanium/gold aloy suit just to operate this thing

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