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Today We Must Discuss This Glass Of… Orange Juice?

From the makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, we proudly introduce I Can't Believe It's Not Orange Juice!

Whenever I'm on the road, I always love it when a hotel offers a complimentary breakfast with a room. Wait, did I say always? I meant to say, almost always. You see, sometimes the complimentary breakfast isn't so complimentary to my pallet or to my stomach. The above glass of liquid was from a recent stay at a hotel which proudly displayed a "100% Natural Florida Orange Juice" sign above the dispenser. Everybody in the dining room was staring at their glasses of juice with perplexed looks on their faces. I heard one old guy nervously say, "I think it's juice," to which his wife responded, "Please don't drink that."

I should also note that the liquid smelled almost soap-like, but that may have simply been because they didn't rinse the glasses thoroughly. Either way, I opted not to drink it.

So yes, today we discuss the aforementioned glass of what the hotel claimed to be orange juice. Also, feel free to share any of your own horrific complimentary breakfast stories from past hotel stays. From foiled Belgian waffle making attempts to scrambled eggs that appeared to be from another planet, we've all had at least one bad free breakfast experience.



ColdFusion (Guest) on 08/25/2011 7:38 pm

well, my first thought is lemonade... hopefully not the kind that comes from around the corner from where fudge is made..

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Nick on 08/25/2011 7:47 pm

It's pee. Soapy pee.

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monster_movie_night on 08/26/2011 1:09 am

lemonade doesnt look like piss, trying peeing in a glass and see the comparision.

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Pentegarn on 08/26/2011 5:53 am

I think it is neither orange or juice.

Mystery solved


Truth (Guest) on 08/26/2011 6:38 am

Damn. A glass of soapy piss for breakfast. Sounds... refreshing?

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Billy Chapman’s Friend on 08/26/2011 10:19 am

I burned my self on the rotating waffle iron. You dump a cup on thick liquid onto the iron close it, and spin it around. Seems easy right? Not when a 400lb woman bumps you from behind and you get your finger clamped down on. Man, I wished here to die at that moment...

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Kitsa on 08/26/2011 11:26 am

I've gotten burned a lot on the juice dispensers. Mainly it's the cranberry juice that smells and tastes completely wrong. When I went on the standard Niagara Falls experience earlier this summer, I encountered a machine that dispensed something they called "iced tea" and something I called "brown pine-sol".

My favorite complimentary breakfast story happened when I was taking a summer class in Ithaca. It turned out, somehow, that it was cheaper to stay at a hotel than in the dorms for the summer, so I was in this midrange little extended-stay hotel. They had the standard, you know, bagels and english muffins in a basket and then a little cheapie white toaster on a "breakfast bar" that was maybe 2 feet long.

And I was really fascinated with the people who came to this thing, because it was like none of them had ever operated a toaster before. One person would smash a whole bagel in one side, and another person would come up behind them and try mashing a whole piece of bread down on TOP of the already mashed down bagel. Then there'd be a fight because they'd come back a minute later and the same untoasted lumps of bread would still be there because no one had thought to plug in the toaster in the first place.

I remember telling a friend that some idiot was going to burn the whole place down with the stupid toaster and, sure enough, one morning I looked out the window and this fire truck came screeching into the parking lot. And when I went down to the lobby, the place smelled like burned toast and chemicals and there was a big black burned triangle on the wall behind where the toaster had been.

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Jaimas on 08/26/2011 1:42 pm

It's Hotel Pop. This is kind of like Horse Pop, except it comes from Count Pop instead.

....I think.

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A-bomb on 08/26/2011 5:37 pm

I remember staying at a hotel for business-related training some years ago. They offered a "continental" breakfast, but it wasn't free. It cost $8, but because I was there for the training they gave me a coupon for 1/2 price. Basically I paid $4 for a bagel and some fruit. There was a selection of juices available, but they were in pitchers instead of a dispenser. I reached for the apple juice and just before I poured myself a glass, I noticed a fly floating on the top.

The best part? Right after breakfast I walked into the training room to find they were offering exactly the same kind of food in there for free.

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Tacobot on 08/26/2011 6:27 pm

That's what i like to call Freedom juice if you don't like it GTFO!

In these hard economic time's we can't all have 100% pure Florida orange juice RoG, some of us have to settle for a 30/70% pure orange juice flavor and water. When thing's are tough and the 100% juices don't flow as they did in the past i don't turn my back on my country and write slanderous articles about hard working hotels that are having financial difficulties and pointing out their inability to acquire the purest of juices for your pampered high class palette.

If you ask me, i don't see anything wrong with that picture, i see hard working Americans trying to provide the purest juice they can. Maybe the person who took the picture needs to reflect on the times we live in and what it means to be a REAL American.
Maybe in the future through hard work, perseverance and the pure American spirit our children can know 100%.

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captain516 on 08/26/2011 8:04 pm

This is exactly why I stick to sodas and hard liquor. Kick that gayass OJ to the curb!

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Jony B. Good on 08/26/2011 11:36 pm

"That's what i like to call Freedom juice if you don't like it GTFO!"

O gosh I laughed so hard. Does freedom taste like lemony piss? Also, you are entitled to get exactly what you where offered, simple as that.

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whitecherryclock on 08/27/2011 4:44 am

No that is Orange Juice, from Mars!


Stinky (Guest) on 08/27/2011 11:09 am

My worst encounter with "free" food was on an airline. At the end of an overnight trans-atlantic flight, we were given breakfast, which consisted of a warm omelet & some fruit, etc. It was reasonably palatable, in the context of airplane food, so I scarfed it down. About an hour later I started to regret my decision as roiling pain started in my innards. Over The next few hours, with my fellow travelers hanging there heads out of the rental car's windows, my colon started a wonderful impression of the foghorn off of Nantucket sound during a 3 week fog in. The eminences coming from my nether regions were of such frequency, volume, and pungency, that I would wager the likes have not been seen on this planet before or since [except maybe from an elephant that was served some bad clams]. My travel companions, who were family, not co-workers thank god, still bring this up at family gatherings to this day, over a decade later. You can pick your friends, as they say...


Stinky (Guest) on 08/27/2011 11:11 am



Pram Maven :( (Guest) on 08/27/2011 1:01 pm

It's 100%, Natural Florida Sinus Juice.


Kenji (Guest) on 08/27/2011 1:54 pm

Guys, there's no inherent contradiction in the liquid's description.
Let's analyze this:

"100% Natural Florida Orange Juice".

What do we get from this?
It's juice. That may mean it's lemon juice, or grapefruit juice, or any other kind of juice (including whatever bodily fluid you might choose to exotically call so).

We are informed this is supposed to be "orange" juice. Not "orange" as in the fruit, mind you: it's merely supposed to be juice that just happens to be orange in color.
Except it's not. Why?

Because it's "100% natural", and the good people at the hotel want you to know they're not going to taint that statement by using chemical additives in order to make someone that isn't orange, look orange, no sir.

It's a moral conundrum.
It's a tale for the ages.

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relliKinGrunge on 08/27/2011 2:52 pm

Back in san antonio I got eggs that were literary turning a nasty shade of green. And their orange fell apart as I was trying to peel it.

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That Other Guy on 08/27/2011 3:55 pm

In defense of those two people in Ithaca that tried to force an unholy mating of bread and bagel; it's prefectly reasonable to expect to be provided with a toaster that was already plugged in. But, for all I know, all the outlets could have glowed orange and sang the "Cut Your Bagel in Half, First" song whenever there wasn't a toaster plugged into them.

Also: Are those carbonation bubbles that I see in the glass of "juice"?

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Dsinder on 08/27/2011 9:21 pm

I hate those Belgian waffle making things. Not only can they burn the piss out of you, it takes like like three damn minutes of your time to make a half-ass waffle. Geeeez. These so called 'complimentary breakfasts' are often referred to as 'Continental' breakfasts. 'Continental' meaning it's all bagels, croissants, cold cereal and bread. Served with little packs of condiments. Usually with piss-poor coffee and milk. Oh, and fruit. Lotsa fruit. No eggs or meat tho.

Your OJ looks like either Mountain Dew or piss. How do you have bubbles in O.J.? Even if it's just concentrate? Good pass -RoG-. Definitely not Florida's Best.


Hoverbored (Guest) on 08/28/2011 1:44 am

Long-time reader, 1st-time commenter. I wanted to weigh in because I used to operate OJ dispensers when I worked at McDonald's. If I had to guess, I'd say that the machine ran out of concentrate. The OJ dispensers I worked with contain chambers that house these big bags or boxes of liquid orange concentrate. It probably went empty and nobody replaced it.
As for the bubbles, I don't know how the machine could have created them (unless the machine was self-cleaning), so you're probably correct about the glasses not being rinsed. The only other explanation is air bubbles, but those don't look like air bubbles.

It's a shame we can't call in the Extreme Beverage Tasters to investigate...


ColoradoKid (Guest) on 08/28/2011 2:18 am

At a hostel in Dubrovnik, Croatia, they offered a free breakfast, so my traveling buddy and I went to their dining area in the morning. There was a nice layout, but the loaf of bread had spots all over it. My friend thought that maybe it was bread with bits of fruit in it, but upon closer inspection, the whole loaf of bread was moldy. We told the girl at the desk and her response was "oh, okay" before throwing it away and setting out a fresh loaf.

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-RoG- on 08/28/2011 4:55 am

Good theories so far all, and keep the free meal horror stories coming!

Hoverbored - Thanks for the info about the OJ dispensers. Also, glad to see somebody else appreciates the hard work of the Extreme Beverage Testers before they were taken out by Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt energy drink.


Uchuu (Guest) on 08/30/2011 1:18 pm

I think that the one who served the orange juice is a "clean fanatic". He washed the oranges with soap, he used so much soap that the orange color started to fade. The orange-soap juice was still on the table as his boss called him to speak about him getting fired for being "too" clean for their hotel. After that the boss, who is a "dirt fanatic" peed in every orange-juice glass and made it orangejuice-soap-pee. 100% natural.

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DaTr0LL on 08/30/2011 2:39 pm

It's obviously orange TREE juice. Technically orange juice, so I don't know what you're complaining about.

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Diknam on 08/31/2011 4:06 pm

YES !! It's orange juice. I have drank natural orange juice that was the same color ..... oh never mind i forgot i brother told me he pissed in it just for laughs

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Dungeonbrownies on 09/01/2011 2:26 am

You guys have no idea what you're talking about. Orange juice doesn't have to be orange, you just gotta juice the leaves :3


Hugglebump (Guest) on 09/01/2011 6:51 pm

Free food horror story.

I was at Hardee's when I was 28, and had a coupon for a free burger. This was in the city and there was an african american working the register. I ordered my burger and waited for my order to come.

I got my food and It was done completely wrong. I went back up to the counter politely and asked her to correct my order. She just looked at me like I stepped on her face.

"Cracker, you REALLY want me to fix that damn burger?"

I replied "Yeah, and get me a damn manager."

She proceded to tell me she was the store manager (found out to be true suprisingly) and went back to the kitchen to fix it herself.

I called my Aunt who is a corporate manager for the company and when she returned with the burger I immediately opened it right there. the box was full of dirt, flies hair and trash. I simply smiled and told her to have a FANTASTIC day.

In a hour I walked in with my aunt (only a year older than myself.) posing as a couple.

I was once again greeted by the horrible manager.
"wtf you want stupid? And what about your ugly wife?"

The other employees started laughing and making a racial slur or two themselves.

My aunt got on her cellphone right then, called the corporate office and within minutes there were 10 managers in the store as well as LP/Security. Everyone in the store was let go, and the managers took over the work.

Worst part... I didn't get my sandwich.

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relliKinGrunge on 09/02/2011 6:20 pm

To the dude above me.
I find the fact that you and ur aunt posed as a couple disturbing enough....
I feel ur pain about the burger tho

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