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What Nightmares Are Made Of.


My friend Karen is training to be a nurse, and today she sent me this picture of the fucked up Satan mannequin she has to practice her stuff on. She actually has to get close to this thing and practice life saving techniques on it, take its readings, etc. I certainly don't need any medical instruments to get the only real reading you need to collect off this fucking thing: it's pure evil. (more...)



What Shall I Be For Halloween?

UPDATE: Sorry for all the downtime yesterday folks... our server decided to go into read-only mode (because it's HAUNTED! OoooOoooo!!!), so no comments could get through and a lot of stuff broke. Anyway, you should now be able to post your costume ideas for Protoclown along with your comments in any of our articles. New Halloweeny stuff coming soon! (Please note: The server may be up and down a bit today still as it's being worked on... I think Slimer left his ectoplasm all over the damned thing.)


Halloween is fast approaching, and with its approach comes the inevitable question: just what in the hell am I going to be this year? Though Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, I never, ever know what I am going to be until the last minute, and I usually have little choice but to resort to buying a costume from one of those local, seasonal Halloween shops, because by the time I realize I still don't know what I'm going to be, it's already too late to actually construct something myself. It doesn't help that I'm about as skilled at costume creation as I am brain surgery, or forming cults of rabid devotees who shower me with money. (more...)



Bad Band Name Trends.

Is there some rule out there that bands named after places must suck? I mean, let's look at a short list here: Boston, Alabama, Chicago, Asia, Kansas, Linkin Park. Those are some seriously sucktastical bands right there. But then you have Europe, who I'm almost willing to say are exempt because their songs are so cheesily awesome. Although since I can only listen to them with a great sense of irony, I suppose it could be argued that they fall into the suck list.

Admittedly, there are a couple bands named after places that I really like, such as Sleater-Kinney, Portishead, or even Joy Division in their first incarnation of Warsaw. But see, those don't really sound like places to me (except for Warsaw, obviously, but they changed their name anyway, so it doesn't matter). (more...)



Why The Virtual Console Makes Me Sad.

I remember when the Virtual Console for the Nintendo Wii was announced, wherein a bunch of classic games would be downloadable not just for earlier incarnations for Nintendo's game consoles, but for the SEGA, Turbo-Grafx, and Neo-Geo systems as well, it seemed like a very promising idea. Not only would I get to replay some of the awesome games I enjoyed in my youth (that my parents sold at a yard sale without telling me when I went off to college), but I would finally get to play many of the games that I'd never had a chance to play (thanks to never owning anything but an NES back in the day). I'd played some SNES and Genesis games over at friends' houses, but I never really had the chance to explore them in depth. So this Virtual Console was an ass kicking idea that should be one of the best things about owning a Wii, right? (more...)



They Are Becoming More Aggressive, Our Avian “Friends”.

This is what you Hummer-driving soccer moms get! Payback's a bitch!

I can't help but notice, in the last several months, that I have almost plowed into almost a dozen birds with my automobile vehicle, my "horseless carriage", if you will. I will be driving along, singing to whatever awesome music I happen to have playing (all of my music is awesome), when suddenly, a kamikaze avian menace will swoop down from the sky, passing right in front of my vehicle, clearing the opposite end mere seconds before I would have smeared it into a feathered paste across my grill.

It has happened frequently enough that I have definitely noticed a trend. I do not remember birds doing this in the past, so I must wonder, what has changed? Is global warming driving them insane? Are they afflicted with some "mad bird disease" currently rampaging through the avian community? Have they been watching Hitchcock? Or is it merely some kind of game, a test of wills--some new game of chicken they play, perhaps to impress their mates? Or perhaps my new Honda Civic came with a bird magnet feature I was not aware of. (more...)



I Can’t Help Getting Older, But I Don’t Have To Get Old.

On Monday I will be turning 31 years old, and I shall be celebrating my birthday this weekend--I'm sorry, what? Max Burbank already did a birthday blog entry? And recently? Who the fuck does he think he is, stealing my thunder? Well, it's not my fault that our birthdays are so close together, so don't blame me.

Turning 31 is sort of scary, but not in the paralyzing, eye-twitching, pants-shitting way that turning 30 was. But at least at 30 I can still argue that I'm in my "twenties" by virtue of still only being in my third decade. Yes, perhaps it's a stretch, but I'll take what I can get. In any event, in a mere three days time, as I begin my fourth decade on this earth, that is a luxury I will no longer be able to afford. Once you're in the second year with a "3" in front of it, you can't really deny that you're in your thirties, no matter what kind of bizarro non-logic you use. (more...)


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