[Arcade]  

Title: Crazy Climber
Author:Nihon Bussan
Rom Player: MAME
Reviewer: Norad

Synopsis: Playing arcade classics is a whole lot like meeting some bastard that gave you shit in high school...time has past, but the wounds are still there..waiting to be ripped open.

The culprit this time would be the 1980 classic Crazy Climber; the hair-ripping, keyboard slamming piss-off extraordinaire from the sadistic bastards at Nihon Bussan, whoever the hell they are.

(actually it's hard to tell who produced this game. At the start of the game the building has 'nichibutsu' over the entrance, which sounds like a really crappy cousin of the Daewoo company.)

The premise of this double-joystick controlled game is simple & straight-forward; climb up the building and don't fall off. After all, any moron can master a pile of 71K crap like this dinosaur, right?

Don't bet on it, sparky.

The main problem replaying this arcade replica is the interface. It sucks. And sucks loud.

Know what's worse? You'll figure it out. And that's where the piss-off factor comes into play.

If you dare to hesitate for even a few moments, an incredibly obnoxious nasal voice hollers "Go for it!" roughly 265 times a minute while you're still pounding every key trying to get past the fifth floor. When you do puzzle it out (and you will), the fun really begins. Little pixellated bastards stick their heads out of the windows & drop various flower-pots on your head. If you don't have the correct keys pressed, this will result in a 'Plummet To Your Death', accompanied by your character saying 'oh nooo!'..as if he dropped his Chalupa in the Taco Bell parking lot instead of falling 200 feet to his death.

If you get past that maddening part of the game (and you will), our friendly programmers decided on a little sadism...a shitting pelican.

Yep. While you're madly scanning the keyboard for the correct buttons to press, a pelican flies overhead & very clearly shits on your head. Repeatedly. Over & over. This may be the most frustrating part of the game. Not only are the controls screwing you over, you are getting killed by pelican shit. Or maybe it's a stork.

If you manage to worm your way past this, the building narrows & you are forced to climb past the most intimidating creature in video game history..

KING KONG ON CRACK!

Yep..it's clear to me this monstrosity has been hitting the pipe. His eyes are dialated, he's halfway up a skyscraper, and he's thrashing randomly. Clearly a crack-smoking monkey.

Wanna know the strategy for getting past this unholy terror? Just climb right the fuck past him. What a dumbass.

As you near the top, you'll begin to hear the crappy 1980 equivalent of helicopter blades whirring. This is your escape vehicle. Which makes no sense because if the pilot had any brains at all he would have rescued you at the base of the building. But that's not for small minds to ponder.

The end of the first building consists of making your way past hordes of flower-pot dropping kids, sticking your hand over the ledge, and hoping the damn helicopter picks you up before some unseen timer runs out & screws you out of bonus points.

I can't tell you about the second building. The programmers thought it wise to include falling steel girders & dumbbells that you can't possibly avoid and therefore fall to your death from the second story.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy a new keyboard.

Best Cheats: The only cheat I can think of is 'get into the source code & program the monkey to wear women's underwear'

Game Play: 2
Graphics: 1
Music/Sound: 1
Originality: 9
Overall Rating: 5



COMMENTS TEMPORARILY DISABLED!

[Come discuss this game on our Message Forums!]

 

Copyright 2000-2004 I-Mockery.com.
All Games featured on this site are registered trademarks of their respective owners.
By downloading any game roms from this site, you are agreeing to the following
DOWNLOAD AGREEMENT.




[Minimocks] [Articles] [Games] [Mockeries] [Shorts] [Comics] [Blog] [Info] [Forum] [Advertise] [Home]


Copyright © 1999-2007 I-Mockery.com : All Rights Reserved : (E-mail)
No portion of I-Mockery may be reprinted in any form without prior consent
We reserve the right to swallow your soul... and spit out the chewy parts.