Title: Trojan
Rom Player: MAME
Reviewer: Jersey Boy

Synopsis: Ok, I know what you're thinking.... No, it ain't the famous condom brand we've all grown to know and love. Long before I was fishing between the car seat cushions for change to buy a pack of Trojans, I used to fish between the sofa seat cushions as a kid, hoping to find a quarter, to play one of my favorite arcade games of all time: Trojan. Whenever I found a quarter, I would get almost orgasmic. I would run down to Tony's Pizza, pop my newly found quarter into the left slot (the right slot has always been taped over, maybe it was the evil, quarter-stealing slot), and get ready to kick some Post-Apocalypse ass.
Trojan is a strange game, worthy of some in-depth examination. The setting was a Post-Apocalypse world. The background for the first stage was a city, very much like New York, with crumbling, decayed buildings. The stage, very much like New York, was made up of weirdoes; walking up to your character with clubs in hand, ready to greet you with a friendly clubbing over our hero's head. But our spandex-wearing, red-haired, tight-ass walking hero was ready. With sword and shield in hand, he would hack, block, and jump over the various freaks he encountered during his journey.
The story has always been a mystery to me. No, there was no introductory story, cinemas, or scenes. Just a nuked out world, and the name "Trojan". I came up with various explanations to satisfy my curiosity. Maybe the world had been nuked, and only a handful survived, a handful mostly made up of college Greek Theater drop-outs, who immediately took over the desolate world, and implanted their ultimate wet-dream: a world where they could live out their Greek fantasies, and no jocks, stoners, or other cynical bastards would make fun of them. Maybe the last boss, Achilles, was a 80 pound weakling, leader of the Greek play-group, who mutated into a huge, sword wielding bastard, who pummeled my poor character, thus pummeling my pocket, as I scrambled for another quarter to beat this over-grown nerd.
The gameplay was quite simple. Two buttons: Hack and Block. Jumping was accomplished by pressing Up on the joystick. There was no real strategy involved in this game. Just walk right, hack, block, and keep walking. The enemies were mostly made up of club-wielding weirdoes, helmet-wearing centurions who threw knives or energy balls that knocked your sword and shield out of your hands. When this happened, your character didn't run away, whimpering like a sissy. Instead, he got down and dirty, with punches and kicks, that would make the guy from Kung-Fu green with envy. Other enemies included armadillo-type mutants, who rolled into a ball, and tried to roll over your character, propeller thugs, sewer snipers, and end-level bosses. Bosses were fairly easy, just get in close and hack away.
Overall, Trojan is a simple, fun, strange classic that adorned many pizzerias the world over. If you happen to spot this arcade fossil, forget the rubbers, Scramble for your car, look between the seats, and try to find that valuable quarter that may allow you to play this gem.

Best Cheats: Nothing Entered

Game Play: 8
Graphics: 8
Music/Sound: 6
Originality: 8
Overall Rating: 8

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