|Title: Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, The (#4)
Rom Player: ZSNES
Synopsis: The Zelda series, or as most of you people call "God game", is one of my favorite video games (let alone Nintendo game) of all time. If you took the NES Zelda box and stuffed it with crap people will take it and release a crappy smell in the air killing people more then SARS... ok, it's not that great, but the games are what makes the series (Here's looking at you Square-Enix and that crappy SaGa series). But what pisses me off about Zelda is its fans. They are the WORST fanboys ever, they think Ocarina Of Time is the best game ever made (that's sad, the best game ever is Super Mario 2...) and once in awhile a fag dresses up like Tingle from Majora's Mask and The Wind Waker (both great, OOT is great too, I wasn't dissing the game...). But what most people call the best Zelda game is the SNES gem Link To The Past. But before we begin let me get this out of my mouth before I start, I own the Game Boy ver. of LTTP, I have played the SNES ver. before. But they are both the fucking same, hell putting Sora next to that faggot kid from Sonic X (great anime, watch it!) no one would notice, or care. Hell, if you put each Link next to each other it's like the Link before that Link had sex with Zelda then the next Link had sex with the next Zelda and so on and so forth. It's like Attack Of The Fucking Clones From A Creepy Producer Who Writes The Same Crappy Story Used In The Last Star Wars Movie.
And is LTTP great? Boy it is! Before you begin the game you must name the nameless hero, most people call him Link, I call him "Fuck!". I'm not immature, nor I'm I a worthless fuck, I thought Link needed an "new" name. Besides, who would like Link being called "Fuck!"?
Now that I've given Fuck! his name, let's begin. After showing the fancy dancy intro with the Triforce pieces, it show the title screen. Now this is getting fun! I'm talking about a fucking title screen when I have to talk about the story. But since I'm a lazy worthless boy who doesn't have friends, let's take a look at two Nintendo workers talking about how the story should go:
Worker #1 (Bob): Hey Ted, how is the story for the new Zelda game comin'?
Ted: Good, in the game Link must rescue a hooker!
Bob: Ted, are you drinking again? (sees ten bottles of beer next to Ted)
Ted: *hic* Hey baby, want to go out with me? My penis is the size of a hockey stick. (falls out of his chair and die)
Bob: Fuck, that's the sixth one..
Poor Ted, looks like Fuck! can rescue a hooker, because he has to rescue the same goddamn bitch of about every game in the series: Zelda! Why? Because an evil fucked up wizard needs chicks that are descendents of the legendary sages who closed the gate to the Golden Land so the greedy bastards of Hyrule didn't get the "Golden Power" (Triforce *cough*). But they fucked up somehow because Ganondorf, King of Thieves, found a way into a land that no fuck can go into. So Ganon finds the Triforce, changes the land into a evil place that's more evil then Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and turns people inot trees, or rabbits.
Now Lin...er...Fuck! is asleep when a chick speaks into his mind. Her name is Zelda and she's trapped in a jail cell. Fuck!'s uncle goes to the castle for no reason and Link gets up. Now controling Fuck! is easy, the d-pad moves him in all eight ways. Simple yes, stupid, I really don't know or care. And Fuck! can carry special items on his trip, like a Hookshot that looks like his penis when firing it. Fuck! also has good social skills, because wherever the fuck he is the people might give him clues to where he has to go next, or say something retarded like: "Hey Fuck! I heard you fucked Zelda, good for you!"
The Goal in the game is to defeat Ganon. Now that sounds simple, right? NOT!!! You must collect three pendants that can unlock the Master Sword and save the seven chicks. The heart in all the Zelda the games are the dungeons, which are full of traps, puzzles and fun! And at the end of the stage Fuck! Must fight a boss with the item they got in the stage. Nope, no Bill Gates folks.
With that comes the graphics in all it's glory. LTTP has the best pixel art ever (second to Final Fantasy VI and Chrono Trigger). Everything is well detailed, Fuck! Moves smoothly, and the flowers dance in the wind (or they are dancing flowers, your pick). The baddies Fuck! face are varied, with a sense of badass in them before they are smeared in a pool of blood.
The music is to die for! No, it won't make you kill yourself, it's great. The Zelda theme is the same as it sounded in the past games, which is great right? No? Fuck you then.
Before I finish off the review, here is a list of the things that happen:
-Fuck! wakes up, finds his uncle dead in a castle.
-Finds a slutty chick named Zelda.
-Goes on a adventure to find a old man.
-In a village he finds brothers who hate each other, a gay fag and a virgin sweeper.
-Reviewer get's tried of reviewing.
Now I hope you enjoyed my first review. Good-bye.
Best Cheats: I'm sorry, I'm not a cheating person.
Game Play: 10
Overall Rating: 10
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