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Title: X-Men
Author:LJN Toys
Rom Player: NESticle
Reviewer: Maestro

Synopsis: There are no words to describe this game adequately. You have to play it to truly understand the mind-numbing, rectum-clenching horror that is X-Men.

This game may bear the title of X-Men but I have yet to encounter any of the actual characters in the game itself. Someone once pointed out to me that the white blotch on my screen was Iceman but I refused to believe him. I said, "No, that's not Iceman, that's one of the mighty blocks of ice he will hurl and smite his enemies with." Much to my dismay that was, in fact, Iceman. And as for the mighty ice? Tiny square blocks from his hand. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

There are six characters you can choose from: Nightcrawler, Colossus, Cyclops, Wolverine, Storm, and Iceman. They all suck. Well, Cyclops, Storm and Iceman have shooting attacks so they only kind of suck. All the others do is punch. And Wolverine doesn't even have claws...HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE CLAWS!! What kind of mongoloid half-wit designed this game to deprive one of the most recognizable characters of his trademark claws? He's just a brown blob on the screen jumping around punching things. How exciting.

The storyline, as far as I can tell only being able to stomach this game for 5 minutes at a time, is to destroy the bad guys and save the world. Sounds great right? Wrong. First of all, the "bad guys" appear to be living cardboard refrigerator boxes. They cause damage when they run into you so I can only assume they are razor-sharp living Cardboard Boxes of Doom with wild bloodlust and a penchant for evil. At least now we know what the Maytag repairman has been doing in his spare time, breeding these damnable hellspawn. Now, I haven't read all the X-Men comics but in the few I have I don't recall them mentioning cardboard boxes even once, let alone cardboard boxes bent on world domination.

The game gives you a top down view of various stages of your choice, including a Future City. According to the X-Men game, a futuristic city looks like an immense bathroom floor with a bad tile job. There is an occasional wall, grate, or gun turret but as far as futuristic cities go I was bitterly disappointed.

One last word of advice: STAY AWAY FROM THIS GAME. If you were made an offer by Satan himself to choose either eternal torture in hell or to play this game for 12 hours straight, don't be a fool take the game. But anything short of that you should avoid it like the plague.

Best Cheats: The only cheat involved in this game is time you've been robbed of while playing this wretched abomination.

Game Play: 1
Graphics: 1
Music/Sound: 1
Originality: 1
Overall Rating: 1

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