|Title: Double Dragon II (2nd Review)
Rom Player: nesTEN
Reviewer: test tube
Synopsis: Some moron is trying to make me see why Dimmu Borgir at the number one black metal band on earth right now, the song is called In Death's Embrace and it sounds like a goddamn disco song you'd hear a gay rave, I swear its that horrible. even worse that this moron calls them METAL, they are about as fucking metal as Michael Jackson, such rage can only be cured by beating some fucking heads on: Double Dragon 2! I swear this game should have been called Beating Some Goddamn Heads In.
Now I know its fucking shitty when someone reviews a game after some other guy has already done it first. Even worse when his is the better of the two, if you want a serious look at the game you better go to it RIGHT NOW.
Now, ho ho ho. This game fucking rules, my friends and I have spent countless nights BACK IN DA DAY beating some goddamn heads so hard the skull shatters and jagged pieces of skull stab the brain. We must have beaten this game over 5000 billion times, in a row on one night alone! I don't know what it is, after you beat the game you just want to do it again. The concept of running down filthy ass ghettos busting heads with chains and knives is so goddamn appealing. The music in this game has kinda engraved itself on my brainpan. I know all these fucking songs and have been knowing them for a very long time, I have written lyrics to some of them when I was in 3rd grade, have come up with a truly retarded dance to the music for the sea base level (ask me to do it for you if we're ever drunk at a party) and arrr. The music that plays after you lost your last life is actually pretty unsettling, the best death metal riff I've ever heard on a video game!
A cool thing here are the new special moves, one is my favorite hold the fuckers head while you kick it in, or throw them over your shoulder (off the side of a building) and the then utterly retarded but effective Ryu Helicopter Kick, years before Ryu started doing it, I think. Then there is the SUPER KNEE that you can't really execute yourself, it just kind of happens while you are playing, its some kind of involuntary muscle spasm that causes you to leap into the air with a perversely phallic knee sending your enemies off the screen at 6000 miles an hour. Sadly there are no baseball bats for weapons but there are plenty of steel bars, grenades, firebombs, small throwing knives and these black ball things. Shitty thing is they are vanish into thin air after you kill the enemy that was originally holding it, Fucking stupid shit, you could pretty much carry a bat throughout all of the first Double Dragon (well at least in the arcade version) but I guess it adds to the challenge. And who challenges you?
Well there are the amazing red haired cartwheel guys, who do cartwheels for no apparent reason whatsoever. The Mohawk butch dykes who keep their hands on their hips at all times and even kick your ass with their hands on their hips, shit they even die with their hands on their hips! The THUG guys with spiked shoulders who look like they are wearing berets. Now while this would usually give a street fighter the appearance of a bad ass fucking soldier of death, the calm expression on these guys faces suggests that they are all gay emotional poets and artists who hang out at Starbucks all day writing cheesy poetry in a black notebook. I mean damn, they look fucking gay! Then there are the pale, big black eyed, block headed, block fisted white shirts guys who are slightly more difficult to beat than the others but they do go out quick. Don't forget the fucking longed haired drummers who carry around drumsticks and poke you with them! These pokes are truly deadly and profoundly wicked in the most nasty manner! Then there are the BIG FUCKERS whose PECS are bigger than your entire torso. First there is Abobo's Cuban Freedom Fighter Drug Lord cousin who can pretty much stomp your ass anywhere and has some fucking creepy eyes. Then there is Arnold Swarcthneeneaenegger who appears to be smashing your asshole with a series of hand motions that suggest he's saying "Enough!" and he has a fucking retarded shoulder attack that is fucking gay. Then there is the IMMORTAL MASK OF DESTINY Dude who is so fucking powerful he can fling you across the screen just by tapping you on the shoulder. This guy kicks ass, his double vanishing act is cool, you never really kick this guy's ass, he just gets bored with your and goes on. I have found a way to kill this fucker, on stage one lure him to the edge of the building and SUPER KNEE that fucker off the side. Then there are two blue guys who I can' tell what the fuck they are supposed to be, are they even human formed? They are really the only true ass whoopers in this game, if only they weren't so stupid to run into dropkicks. Then the SUPREME WARRIOR who I never took seriously ever when I was kid and even now. Something about his name reminds me of a disgusting pizza with lots of yucky peppers and onions and olives and shit no real human eats on a pizza.
Well yeah... This game stomps anus because its fucking addictive, you just jump in and start smacking heads in. Its even more fun with 2 players. Whats up with Bimmy..um Billy's hair, why is it so fucking gay?
Best Cheats: Extra lives (single player only) - To start your game with eight lives instead of the usual four, just start the game in two player mode B. Then, beat the other player to death until all their lives are gone. Each time you kill the other one, his life will be transferred to you.
Game Play: 10
Overall Rating: 10
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