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Title: FisherPrice Firehouse Rescue
Author:Fisher Price I guess
Rom Player: NESticle
Reviewer: Semprini Goat

Synopsis: FisherPrice, one of the bigger suppliers of toddler toys, took the next step in merchandising by making a selection of Fisher Price games. Quite obviously, they miserably failed with horrifying stink fests and crappy entertainment, along with some ugly looking graphics and sound that could drive dogs to go insane. Of course, this is not to be said that the little gamers wouldn’t find enjoyment in these Fisher Price games, but it seems unlikely that they would. Firehouse rescue is one of these terrible games, devoid of any real fun. Perhaps the game’s major fault is the lack of houses, or maybe it’s because none of the houses are even on fire. Or maybe, just maybe, the game is tedious and throws maze after annoying maze, person after boneheaded person.

Right from the start you are given the opening FisherPrice intro, where the FisherPrice music plays and you get to see a little animation of what you shall be accomplishing this entire game. And then comes the difficulty selection. 4 numbers are to choose from, each with their own challenges. You can do these in any order you please. The only difference between difficulties is the maze you have to navigate through in order to reach the houses in question. Once you pick, the fire engine is let out of the garage and the game begins!

The easiest level of difficulty, level 1, sticks you into a simple overhead maze (which is found in every level.) Your completion of this ludicrously easy maze brings you to your destination: either a cat in the tree (one case only) or a house in need of a firefighter to save the civilians inside. Sadly, there is actually no firefighting in this game, not even a droplet of water. Hell, the houses aren’t even on fire! Something tells me the job of a firefighter in FisherPrice Town is practically useless. Where’s the fun in rescuing people with your little white ladder? Would it have hurt the developers so much to add an element of danger, like a cartoonish fire creature that jumps from the house in an attempt to sabotage your mission. Then again, this game was designed for the younger gamers out there, might as well underestimate their gaming abilities and keep things stupid and simple

The game doesn’t really pick up the pace in level 2, where the only new challenges are two houses per area (gasp) and the screen is doubled in size. None of these tactics raise the bar of difficulty, and it’s still easy sailing at this point. Once again, the civilians inside the houses are just standing in the windows, doing absolutely nothing but wait for you to rescue their sorry arses. Even more outrageous is that the ground is about 4 feet away from these moronic people. Just because they have no arms or legs doesn’t mean they can’t take a risk and jump from a burning buildings. But they’d rather wait for Prince Fireman to come and bring them to safety. So far this game doesn’t seem to contain a point of any kind. You aren’t saving lives; you aren’t getting rewarded for it. The game just feels like one cheap collection of obnoxious mazes disguised as a firefighting bonanza. But all that changes when you hit level 3. The horrors that await you are unspeakable, but I shall do my best, as the reviewer, to bring you this despicable section in detail.

Right off the bat you will notice a numeral at the bottom of the screen. As the numeral starts decreasing in value, you instantly figure out that it is a timer! That’s right, you now have a set time limit to get to the indicated house. Talk about a change of pace. Or not…ahem. The time limit doesn’t seem to have any purpose other than to clutter up a tiny portion of the screen and attempt to look menacing and a deciding factor in your rescue. Notice how I use the word attempt, for not only is there plenty of time to “save” the imbecilic citizens, the areas are exactly the same as of those in level 2! No difference in level design, no extra tricks hiding behind the corner, just same old, same old. Chances are you probably won’t be arsed enough to pay great attention to the mazes, so you probably won’t notice this until the 3rd area. But would it hurt the developers oh so much to include more than 6 different mazes? I think not.

Level 4 is where I first ran out of time. The ingenious creators of this barker of a game decided to make things even more farfetched and require a key to let you rescue people. A friggin key. Why the hell would you need a key to go in front of a house and let people down your white ladder? At any rate, the keys do not stay in the same place twice, and you may find yourself with some close calls. Of course, running out of time just has you making a reattempt. No lives, no continues, it’s like the console version of Bust-a-Move. Most likely you won’t have any problems, seeing as how the maze designs are exactly like levels 2 and 3. Once again, the actual saving of the people hasn’t changed a bit, marking one of the games largest flaws. Variety in the rescuing would have been a lifesaver thrown to the game. From start to finish, the overall analysis is just a relentless amount of half assed mazes. More intelligence can be found in a coloring book or a fun kit

I guess the most commercial feel of this game is that it’s a FisherPrice game; one that the little kids would gobble up. Of course, the older, more mature gamer would find this game petty and pathetic. Even then, the younger generation might be more interested in more fancy crap, and this game is definitely not fancy! There’s a large sense of boredom that befalls this game, obviously, and even with the simple to master controls, there is no hope. The scariest thing about this game would be that it would be possible to tweak it into somewhat of an enjoyment! You could add devilishly clever mazes, some footwork in retrieving the troubled citizens, maybe even a hellhound somewhere or other. But that would ruin FisherPrice’s clean reputation as a company for the little ones, and we wouldn’t want that, now would we? Of course we would…

Graphically, Firehouse Rescue is torn. On one hand, the small environments have some bright and attracting colors, and the fire engine looks red. At least the mazes are pretty. On the other hand, the people look like the standard FisherPrice fare, ugly and no limbs to speak of whatsoever. The colors of the houses run into each other, and the clouds, ugh, don’t get me started on the spray-painted clouds. A lack of colors doesn’t help much. Overall, I’d give the verdict that graphics aren’t seriously lacking, and they don’t deter from the gameplay. The oh so horrible gameplay. However, the graphics still are lacking the touch that can be described as eye candy

Audio in this game can’t be called audio for many reasons. So from this point on, I will address it as “noise.” The noise in Firehouse Rescue includes the irritating rambling of your engine, the freaky, unsettling sound of citizens heading down your little white ladder, and the ringing of the bell as you go to save morons! I couldn’t detect any music other than the opening theme, and that must be a godsend. Who knows the horrors that would have rested in the musical, ahem, talents of the FisherPrice crew! Overall noise is extremely lacking

As if you would want to replay Firehouse Rescue. Consider a game where you have about 12 different areas to go to. Now make each set of 3 areas the same, let alone the first 3 areas. Now remove any type of scoring system, leveling up, rewards, trophies, records, or anything used to boost replay value. Tada, there’s the game in a pinch

Overall FisherPrice Firehouse Rescue isn’t one of those games you would expect to be a multimillion selling masterpiece. Not really worth one play through, especially when other, more enjoyable games are sitting right next to this cartridge. In which case, trash this game and go play something else. Your firefighting days are over Billy. Why don’t you go play in the dumpster where this game belongs.

Best Cheats: Uh...what?

Game Play: 2
Graphics: 4
Music/Sound: 1
Originality: 5
Overall Rating: 2


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