Rom Player: Nester
Synopsis: Sweet dancin' Jesus this is a bad game!!!
If you were ever curious about the feeling of having a jumper cable clamped to your sack while being dragged on the ground by a honda civic, playing Hydlide is a good way of going about it, trust me, you don't want to touch this fucking thing. This game fails to achieve even the smallest of expectations so well that it is less of a game and more of a pooper scooper. I mean really, who were F.C.I trying to fool here? If they think this is even the least bit enjoyable, well, I bet they probably like the feeling of 20,000 volts running through their beans and wieners.
In this game you play as a knight in shining, fruity pink armour out to save a princess from a dragon, same ol' same ol'. The only difference now is instead of slashing foes with your mighty sword, you dry hump them into oblivion. I'm not joking here, you don't even USE your friggin' sword! In order to fight you must hold the A button and run face first into the enemy from either the side or behind. Challenging them upfront is a quick way to end your game, not that that's a bad thing. But if I were to end a game of Hydlide, I'd prefer the "Smashing it with a hammer and burning it's remains" approach as opposed to merely losing, that's a lot more fun.
The audio/visual doesn't exactly "push the NES to it's limits" either. The enemies mostly look like mutated blob things a globs of pooh, and the only song in the game is this repeating mangled rendition of the Raider's of the Lost Ark theme, sounding like it was played with a 2 year old's toy keyboard which had been thrown into a washing machine. Animation is limited to 2 frames of animation for your character and the colors look like someone ate a pile of colored gobstoppers and puked all over the screen. You know, F.C.I really do try to hide the fact that their games suck skunk wang, they really do...
The final nail in the coffin is the fact that the save feature doesn't actually save your game. You'll die, restart and POOF!!! No more saved data! I mean what's the point of having a save feature if it doesn't actually work? Instead you must resort to using the satanic password feature, mind you these aren't the simplistic passwords your used to in games like Earthworm Jim, these are 4 goddamn lines long!
I think I've pretty much covered the amount of ass this game eats. It really goes to show how far the video game industry can plummet when it wants to. Personally, if I were you, I'd keep as far away from this hunk of moldy crap as possible, it's only use is to serve as a doorstop or makeshift futuristic skateboard in Star Wars action figure battles.
Game Play: 1
Overall Rating: 1
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