Rom Player: Jnes
Synopsis: I'll be the first to admit I'm not a soccer fan. It's not that I have anything against the sport, it's just that I have no interest in following it. One may think that because of this reason, I wouldn't really be the best reviewer for an early soccer sim like Goal. However, if you have played this game, you'll realize it actually has NOTHING TO DO WITH SOCCER. To show my point, I think I'll write a dairy of sorts detailing my first experiences with Goal.
Upon loading the Rom, I hit Start to choose one-player game, and then chose to use England's all-star soccer team. Go Brits.
The game starts and one of my players magically has the ball. At this point it's really not clear which goal I should be shooting for, or which direction to be running in. My team of pasty albino clones is being attacked by the opposing team of non-albino clones. The ball is stolen and all of the players squish into an alarmingly small area.
A random cutscene occurs where a man with no pants wearing black (I'm assuming the ref or umpire or dominatrix or whatever that guy in soccer is called) runs approximately 15 miles to one of my players, and the people in the crowd hold up cards proclaiming "offsides." The other team gets a penalty shot which instantly goes in.
It seems that everything in this game is gigantic. Considering the rate at which the players move across the field, it's about 66 miles goal to goal, and each goal is as wide as a football field.
The music sounds like a drunk bird with Down's syndrome being raped by a curling iron.
The "crowd" graphic during the shitty cutscenes and pause screen looks like baby puke.
The people don't "run" per se, they just kind of hop around on the screen. Speeds are kind of random. When dribbling the ball, they seem to use a psychokinetic power that either keeps them from touching it or embeds it within their torso.
I guess they must be keeping Metric time or something because one second in real time is about 4 seconds in Goal time. Not that I'm complaining; anything that makes this experience end more quickly is fine by me.
Well, I just closed the emulator and I'm feeling pretty frustrated. I just loaded up the shittiest soccer game ever made and couldn't even really come up with anything funny to say. At least I can take solace in the fact that anyone who was on the Goal team is most likely unemployed; if I ran a software firm, there is no way in hell I would ever hire anyone even remotely associated with this conglomeration of crap.
Game Play: 1
Overall Rating: 1
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