|Title: Fester's Quest
Rom Player: Nesticle
Synopsis: You've all seen one at one point or another in your life; that lethargic, quite possibly criminally insane old man aimlessly wandering through your neighborhood. What does he seek? A thermos? His medication? Virgin's blood? Well thanks to this wonderful little festering boil on Janet Reno's ass of a videogame, you can find out exactly what being a homicidal geezer is all about!
Apparently disregarding any kind of logic or sanity, Fester's Quest bombarded me from all fronts with random articles of programming the creators must have only hoped would pass as a game. What's my goal? At the startup screen there was a spaceship- but now there are little red things all over the road. Hmm. And toads without eyes. AND DISMEMBERED FLOATING HEADS OF BEEZLEBUB THAT EMIT FLIES AS YOU SHOOT THEM. I swear, it's like I'm playing Monster Party all over again.
Gameplay. You wade through the levels as if you were on the bottom of the ocean with your feet cemented together, shooting red blobs at least 100 times before they pop in a bland, completely uninteresting split second animation. Think that gun powerup is going to do a damn thing to ... Just what the hell is it Fester is wielding, anyway? It looks like some sort of ear horn, which would fit the whole `Insane Senior Citizen` motif, blasting out globs of his ear gunk that's accumulated over the centuries of use.
Three hours into the game, you finally reach the first turn in the game. Which way? Up or down? After wading for 2 and a half hours up the length of an entire screen you'll find - The road blocked out. Now you have to not only walk the 2 and a half hours back to where you were, but another 4 to get to the next junction. Did I mention this is still the first level?
The graphics are... well, there's no real spectacular effort put fourth here. They're good enough, but I'm docking 5 points for the hideous "O" face Fester makes at the start of the game - something so vile and sinister that if Satan himself offered to trap your worst enemy in a blank room - just him and a picture of that face - that you'd pass. It's that bad, seriously, to the point of causing physical pain...
Ok, the internal bleeding from that face has slowed enough for me to sit down and write about the music. It seems the programmers acknowledged the fact that Fester moved at an intoxicated snail's pace, and thus made every single moment of the soundtrack as fast paced and hip hop happy as possible, I suppose hoping the two would negate one another and increase his speed to something more akin to a lumbering plod. No such luck.
If you're looking at this game from a pop artist standpoint, where a mass of twisted coat hangers with Alphabits skewered on the ends was an insightful look into the plight of the oppressed lower middle class battling for their right to hunt albatrosses without that annoying Mariner guy bitching them out, then yes, this game is highly original. If you're looking at this thing from a gamer's standpoint, you'd say it was just another top down wandering blaster, and a sucky one at that. If you're looking at it from the perspective of a rational human being, then you're probably lying in the fetal position in a puddle of your own drool right now.
I've never delved into the wonderful world of hallucinogenic drugs, but thanks to the marvels of Fester's Quest, I am no longer curious. In fact, I'm absolutely frightened and anyone that does that shit is even more off their rocker than I could have ever imagined.
And that goes for people who take acid, not just for players of Fester's Quest.
Best Cheats: You see that button on your console that reads `Power` ? Press that to activate the coolest stage in the game, at any time!!!
Game Play: 1
Overall Rating: 1
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