|Title: Battletoads (2nd Review)
Rom Player: NESticle, NESterDC
Synopsis: Is there a draft in here? No, that's just a chill in your spine at the mere mention of this insane game. I'm only going to review part of this game, BECAUSE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY I CAN NOT FUCKING BEAT IT! And I've tried. Holy shit have I tried. I'm talking I used every cheat code a game genie can muster, and I still can't beat it. I swear, what kind of sadistic bastards are working at Rare? Here's the weird part; they had to have known it was impossible. I simply can't believe that there is one game tester at Rare that actually beat the game and said "Ya, that was a challenge, but can you make it a little harder?" Fucking fuck this game is hard!
With that out of the way, I'll talk you through the first three levels because that's as far as I can get. The first level is pretty cool, you're a big toad and you punch, kick, and generally beat the shit out of pigs. I swear it wouldn't be more obvious that I was being taught to hate and despise cops if the pigs were in little cop uniforms. Anyway you also hit little walking stick robot things. These things are sweet because you can pick-up one of their legs and hit stuff on the head. It makes a great cracking sound.
A little off subject here, but this game has great music and sound. I mean even the pause music is great. This is a NES game, but I'd be hard pressed to find better music in any game. And that includes Samba De Amigo!
Anyway the end of the first level has you throwing rocks at a big stick legged robot thing. It's a cool perspective to be playing the game in. Anyway the next level is where the sick streak was truly shown at Rare.
The second level is called Wookie hole. I don't think the wookies in this game are like Chewbacca in Star Wars. It appears that the Wookies in Battle Toads are about twenty feet wide, and can burrow straight down into the fucking ground. Anyway you're on a rope being lowered down into this hole that has birds, Venus flytrap-looking things (Editor’s note: they’re referred to as “Venus Toadtraps), robots, and electric barrier things that move. This is where I start hating this damn game. Those electric barrier things are hard, not insanely hard, but this is the second fucking level! Why make the game so hard on the second level? It makes no sense! There's no final boss to this level, you just get to the bottom and your toad goes off screen. On to the next level: Get ready for a world of shit.
Ah, the third level, or as I like to call it "The end of Battle Toads". I swear if the game goes on after the third level it's a waste of fucking space, because no one's gonna see the damn thing. Actually that's not true, you can go on after the third level, but you have to use a game genie. Yes, this game is so hard that in order to see the rest of it you MUST use a game genie to cheat and start on that particular level. It's as simple as that. I swear Rare had a deal with Galoob (sic) to sell more game genies by releasing this fucking game. The third level doesn't even start out that hard really. You punch rats and jump from platforms in what looks like some animals large intestine. Maybe the same Wookie that dug the Wookie hole. And then the game gets insane. Not insanely hard yet, but just crazy fucked up. There are these little green frog/toad things that steal your energy! That's right, your energy. Some game developer that obviously hates children decided to make this game EVEN harder, punishing the player by taking energy away from them. Not that everything else in the game doesn't try to take your energy away by hitting you or whatever, but these little freak frog/toad things just fly right up and take your energy! The only way to get it back is by fucking punching them! It really distracts you from the illusion that you're a real battletoad when some thing takes your fucking energy by NOT hitting you. It boggles the mind, especially the mind of an eight year old.
So you've jumped from the platforms and saved as much energy as you can. Great. Since in the next area, ONE HIT AND YOU FUCKING DIE! And I don't mean you just disappear, or fall over. Oh no. You're little toad head gets rammed into the other side of the fucking screen! That's right, the last thing through your little toady brain is your little toady ass! In this section of the game you are on a little hover bike thing. Seems cool, right? WRONG! This little death cycle is taking you straight to hell! The most painful way possible!
See, you're on the left side of the screen driving the right but there are little barriers that you have to avoid. They flash on the screen on the right and you have to get out of the way before you run face first into them. Now it may be funny the first few times it happens. You laugh out loud when your little toad flies across the screen and gets imbedded in the other side of your T.V. You try again, getting a little farther this time. Then WHAM! You might chuckle and try again. WHAM! Maybe a snicker. WHAM! Nothing. WHAM! You start getting serious at this game. Determined to get past where you just died. WHAM! You start mumbling under your breath and shifting around in your seat. WHAM! You let out a soft "Shit.". WHAM! The shits get louder. WHAM! Maybe a fuck or two is let out. WHAM! You are starting to hate Battle Toads. WHAM! O k, you did that one on purpose. You are starting to loathe Battle Toads. WHAM! Why did you start playing this game again? WHAM! TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING BATTLE TOAD! WHAM! AND THAT TOO! WHAM! I FUCKING HATE YOU BATTLE TOAD! WHAM! OH YOU WANT MORE? WHAM! BRING IT ON FUCKER! WHAM! THERE'S GONNA BE NOTHING LEFT WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU! WHAM! SCREAM FOR ME BITCH! WHAM! WHAT'S MY NAME? WHAM! FUCK THIS GAME! Click.
Congratulations. Battle Toads has just made you its bitch. How's it feel? At least you're not alone. You now have a life long bond with every other person that has ever played Battle Toads. This bond ranks up there with the fucking Marines. You could walk up to any bar and exchange Battle Toads stories like war stories or best scar stories. If you actually, somehow get past the third level you will be crowned king of the bar. You won't have to pay for a drink for the rest of the night. You'll be like the fire fighter that saved a kid from a burning building. People will start congregating near you to hear the story again.
And what happens if you use a game genie and try the other levels? THEY'RE JUST AS FUCKING HARD! I mean shit, what were these people thinking? This game isn't hard like challenging hard. Like when you beat a game and you're so excited and thrilled that you actually beat it. No. You just quit. You either turn of the NES, or hit it so fucking hard it stops working, rip the cartridge out of the NES itself, go outside with it, and proceed to beat the living hell out of it. I've broken three Battle Toads cartridges, and you know what? It felt good EVERY time! The pieces of shit had it coming to them!
Video games make kids violent? No. Battle Toads makes kids violent? YOUR DAMN RIGHT IT DOES! Bats, chains, lighter fluid, these are all acceptable ways of destroying a Battle Toads game. I threw one in a river. I got on my bike once and rode towards a railroad track with a Battle Toads game. I got about half way there and cooled off. It would have been worth the three mile trip just to see the thing suffer.
So there's my review of the first three levels of the game, or basically the entire game as I know it. I've cheated to see the other levels, but it's just not worth it. I even got to the last character, some evil bitch queen in tight black leather. But was it worth it? No, I still hate this fucking game. Not hate it as in I won't play it again, but hate it as in it's so fucking hard it's the only feeling I could ever have for it.
Best Cheats: This game should come packaged with a fucking game genie.
Extra lives - At the title screen hold Down, A, B, and press Start.
Game Play: 8
Overall Rating: 8
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