|Title: Super 3D Noah's Ark
Rom Player: zSNES
Reviewer: chamber zane
Synopsis: Given my love for SNES shooter games (so inherently, id software), my absurd sense of humor, and all the free time I find myself with, it was inevitable that eventually I would run across this. I’m also fascinated with the things "Christian" parents will subject their offspring to in order to preserve their young innocent souls from the fiery depths of everlasting hell.
It's hard to find the true story behind Super 3D Noah’s Ark, since internet-perpetuated rumors abound. However, what it boils down to is one way or another 'wisdom tree' got a hold of the game engine for Wolfenstein 3D from id software, and gave it a holy overhaul. Now wisdom tree itself has a bit of a convoluted history, but in short, they started out with a different name making crappy unlicensed NES games. When those didn't sell they found god (at least as a ploy to put more money in the collective pocket, similarly to televangelists), changed the name to 'wisdom tree', and brought out a whole new line of games... Which were still just crappy unlicensed games, but now they were kid-tested and Jesus-approved. Sadly enough, I actually remember some of these, since a childhood friend of mine's parents were decidedly... Weird. Wisdom tree branched out into other systems, including Sega Genesis, Gameboy, PC, and, of course, SNES. Enter Super 3D Noah’s Ark, the only known unlicensed SNES game.
The first thing your average, intelligent, observant, bible-raised child will notice is that the game won't work on their SNES. It has to be plugged into a licensed SNES game in order to work, similarly to a game genie. Why? Damned (ahem) if I know. Try using your copy of that blasphemous Super Mario World that came with the devil's video gaming system. It inspires violence and drug use in children and with any luck the good bible-based truth of Super 3D Noah's Ark will cast the demons out.
It starts off simply enough, the animals are restless, and it's up to you, Noah, to calm them down. I personally think they're still pissed off at you for beating them senseless and dragging them onto a boat in wisdom tree's "genesis bible adventures", but that's another story for another day. So what does Noah get to defend himself with from the onslaught of wild beasts? A knife, a sub-machine gun? No. And not a BFG9000 either. Noah gets a slingshot. A totally non-lethal slingshot at that, which makes sense, I suppose, since all it takes for a good god-fearing child to start worshipping the devil and shooting up high schools is a video game with a gun in it. You get to shoot grapes at things, and apparently getting hit with grapes makes stampeding animals go to sleep. And what happens when you run out of grapes to shoot? Do you at least get to beat some animals with your cane? No, wisdom tree thought of everything. You sprinkle magical pixie dust on the ground, which also puts the animals to sleep. Apparently, Noah moonlights (ha-ha) as the sandman. Even the 'treasure' from wolf3d has been replaced with fruit, because we shouldn't store up our treasures here on earth, where moth and rust destroy; we should look for apples. They’ve never gotten anybody in any trouble... erm... The one item pick-up that hasn't been changed to fruit is health. Now it's a giant band-aid (at least, I think that's what it is). I guess wisdom tree in all their infinite... well... wisdom... thought a plate of food in the middle of all that fruit would confuse the righteous.
Now, I'll admit, it's been a long time since I was in Sunday school, but I seem to remember something about Noah bringing two of each animal onto the ark. So the next natural question any reasoning being would have is 'where the fuck did all these goats come from?' Those must have been a ridiculously active forty days (and nights) for the livestock of the lord. However, I’m not a bible scholar to the degree of a company with spiritual insight enough to name a game 'Sunday Funday', and I’m sure there's some perfectly logical biblical explanation for Noah’s ark to be swarming with angry goats.
The game engine is almost identical to the original, just with new graphics and a few minor changes. The one improvement they've made on the PC wolf3d engine is that now you have a map screen. Which when you think about it, makes sense. Noah built the fucking boat, but he's old and forgets things, and I could see him needing to carry a map around (let's see.. three hundred cubits long.. fifty cubits wide.. thirty cubits tall..). The down side to wisdom tree's revamp is they removed all the cheat codes, obviously because of 1 Corinthians 6:8. and you know, I guess switching to "god mode" and mowing down gazelles with a ridiculous "super-slingshot" you get later in the game is a tad blasphemous. However there are "floor codes" that let you skip to different levels in lieu of any kind of save feature, which I offer a listing of.
Jokes aside, this just isn't a very good game. And if it hadn't been for the fact I was so busy laughing at a shooter game with grapes and happy music, I wouldn't have enjoyed it much. I think though, that it's strange and offbeat enough to be memorable, and if it had a snappy catch phrase somewhere it'd be well on it's way to being the next all your base. Which is a good or bad thing, depending on your point of view.
Best Cheats: floor codes:
Game Play: 2
Overall Rating: 10
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