The Definitive Interview with "The Guy"

Protoclown here from I-Mockery, and I'm excited to tell you that today I'm interviewing the lazy bast-err, creative genius behind "The Guy Who Can't Draw Comics". He's been kind enough to take some precious time from his hours of toiling away at the drawing board and answer a few questions for us. And I speak on behalf of all of I-Mockery when I say how much we appreciate this amazing generosity. Though I'm sure the gun helps. 

Anyway, without further ado, let the interview commence! 

Protoclown: A lot of people still aren't aware of your earliest work that came before "The Guy Who Can't Draw Comics". Tell us a little bit about how you came upon the inspiration for your original comic idea. 

Guy: Yeah, my first comic wasn't nearly as well exposed as this one. My first comic was called "The Guy Who Can't Draw Or Write Comics". I was always into comics at the time, but I had no idea as to how to draw them or write them. So all I did was just have a few empty cells for each comic that was printed. No text, No drawings... just empty cells. People just didn't quite catch onto it.

A sample of Guy's original comic strip:
"The Guy Who Can't Draw Or Write Comics"

Proto: How hard was it to come up with new ideas on a weekly basis? 

Guy: Well, actually, it was pretty fuckin' easy... all I had to do was decide how many empty cells I wanted to have in the comic.

Proto: Come now, you're far too modest! It sure does sound like hard enough work to me! Why do you suppose nobody stumbled onto this brilliant idea before you did?

Guy: Cuz nobody was such a lazy bast... er... uh... I mean, nobody else is as brilliant as I am.

Procto: One of the things that everyone enjoyed so much about the comics was the amazingly diverse gallery of characters you created. Characters whose lives we would get a glimpse at every week, characters who in so many ways, taught us a little about ourselves. Which character was your favorite? 

Guy: Sadly, my favorite character died. I fed him too much and he passed away. Oh wait, that was my fish. Nevermind.

Proto: That's so sad. <sniff>. I think I see what's going on here. This whole comic is just an…an outlet…for your pain. It's true, isn't it? You wrote this whole comic because of your goldfish. Do you realize that you have all the makings of a perfect DC villain? 

Guy: YES! I ADMIT IT GODDAMNIT! ALL HUMANITY WILL SUFFER BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE KILLED MY GOLDFISH!

Pricko: Riiiiight. I think it's time for somebody to take his happy pills. Anyway, back to the questions: One comic everyone fondly remembers is the special May 14, 1987 episode. What can you tell us about it? 

Guy: Ah yes, May 14, 1987... that one brings a tear to my eye. Wait a second, I wasn't doing comics in 1987! I was a street whore! You tricked me you bastard!

Proto: Heh heh heh. All too easy. So, about your time as a street whore, what was that like? 

Guy: Hours sucked, but the pay was great.

Proto: Yes, I'm sure there was all sorts of sucking involved. Hoo hah! 

Guy: NO COMMENT. 

Proto: Did you learn any valuable lessons from it? Or inspirations for the comic? 

Guy: Yeah, if someone bitchslaps you, you bitchslap them right back! You gotta work it girl! As for inspirations for the comic... no, but maybe I should charge people if they want to have sex with my comic in the future. I've been letting people have sex with it for free all this time. Damnit! I could've made a lot of money off of it!

Proto: You would have made a damn fortune off of me alone, that's for sure! Oh, shit, I shouldn't have said that! Mr. Mockery, whatever you do, don't leave this section in here! EDIT this out, man! I'm counting on you! Err, anyway, about your whoring…ummm…say…hypothetically, of course, what all could I have gotten for $20? 

Guy: Well, if all you had was $20, I'd take you in a dark alley, stab you with a knife, take your $20 and then pee on you.

Proto: Wow, sounds like one helluva time. Better get back on track here though. Enough talk of whoring! You won quite a bit of awards for your outstanding work on the strip. Did you ever get any flak from any other jealous comic creators?

Guy: Naturally, many other comic creators out there are jealous of my Pulitzer prize (which came with a free year membership to the "jelly of the month" club, by the way...). They all call me things like, "...a lazy bastard that has no talent whatsoever", "...a twisted son of a bitch that will surely burn in hell", etc. So to all of them I respond with this: YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING. I CAN'T DRAW FOR CRISSAKES! I'M A BUM DAMNIT! A GODLESS, COMMUNIST BUM!!!

Proto: Jelly of the Month, eh!? What was your favorite jelly of the bunch?

Guy: Hmm, the Boysenberry probably.

Proto: Good choice. So where do I sign up for some jelly? 

Guy: They come to you if you're worthy, you don't come to them.

Procto: Dammit! That sucks! I want my fucking jelly! Anyway, we all know about the ongoing hate mail from "The Family Circus's" Bill Keane. Can you tell us a little more about that? 

Guy: Sorry, my lawyers won't allow me to comment on that situation at the time.

Proto: A lot of people still misunderstand the whole September-November 1988 storyline and find it to be incredibly offensive. Would you care to clarify what your intentions were? 

Guy: I was simply trying to say that using dead babies limbs to pry open a door isn't really a bad thing. Sometimes you gotta use what's handy to get through rough situations.

Proto: Quite true, Guy. Quite true. Isn't it a fact that you later found out the practical applications that this has in real life as well? 

Guy: Yep, it's as true as the fact that I'm a member of the jelly of the month club.

Proto: We all know that you had some of the most rabid and loyal fans in all of comicdom. What was the most insane thing a fan ever did? 

Guy: Well they came over to my house and peed on me. But I guess that wasn't too insane since it was by my own request. 

Proto: Going further along that line, what was the most outrageous thing a fan ever sent you?

Guy: It'd have to be the severed head of a horse. They left it in my bed. Really freaked me out when I woke up with it. To this day, I'm still not sure what the message was that this person was trying to get across to me.

Proto: Indeed. Still, sounds like a rather thoughtful gift. What's your favorite thing about being such a creative genius?

Guy: The free tours. When you're a creative genius, they let you go on any tours for free. I can get into any museum, any famous place for free. Plus there's so much great stuff you can steal from those places. I stole some plutonium from this top secret place that I got to take a tour of... now I'm working on making a time traveling machine out of a Dodge Delorian. It's gonna rule!

Proto: Watch out for the Libyans. What's your least favorite thing about being so creative? 

Guy: The beatings. When you're a genius, it is required that you are beaten 3 times daily. It's supposed to keep you focused somehow. I dunno, the only thing it makes me focus on, is how much those fucking beatings really hurt.

Plato: When you ended "The Guy Who Can't Write or Draw Comics" did you think that was the end? Or did you have an inkling of what was to come later? 

Guy: Well that comic was very special to me. I basically went into a deep depression, I started drinking... turpentine. From there it was all downhill. I woke up years later and all of a sudden I had the ability to write comics, but I still couldn't draw them. I kinda figured I'd be doing another comic sometime down the road.

Proto: And what a comic it is! What plans do you have in store for your fans after this current series is completed? 

Guy: Completed? That will never happen.

Proto: Well then, are there any collection books of this infinite series in the works? 

Guy: Actually, I have been thinking about that. If the fans voiced their opinions enough by emailing me, I would look into getting a book of the best of "The Guy Who Can't Draw Comics" published.

Proto: That sure sounds like a plan to me. Everyone always remembers the last episode of the old comic, where we all had to say good-bye to these special characters one final time. Do you have anything special you want to say about it? Many fans out there would love to hear your thoughts I'm sure.

Guy: I would like to say something alright! It's not my fault that the last comic from "The Guy Who Can't Write OR Draw Comics" was solely responsible for all of the suicidal "doomsday cults" of today. How was I to know that they interpret it that way? 

Proto: Oh, I think you knew… seriously Guy, don't you at least take a little pride in that? I mean, your comics alone are responsible for the deaths of millions! 

Guy: Heheh, yeah, I confess. I'm pretty happy knowing that I have aided in the destruction of the lives of many idiots.


And there you have it folks, a disturbing look into the mind of a madman! Or perhaps even two!