3/24/04
BEWARE THE EMAILS OF MARCH

First of all, stop complaining. Usually several months go by before I open the old e-bag of email and in the meantime there's at least two APB's out on me. I got around to writing pretty quick this time for which you can thank the ankle bracelet I got as a friendship gift from the Honey Island Swamp Parish House of Corrections, St. of Louisiana. Plus they shut off my cable which leaves me with only my imagination for therapeutic release, as I've pretty much committed all my old videos and magazines to memory at this point. So; with only a brief and legally binding reminder that this column dispenses 'advice' only and should in no way be misconstrued with actual medical consultation, on with your 'medical problems' most of which boil down to hypochondria, substance abuse and stupidity...

Doctor I had a run-in with some LSD a while back and now i have visions, visions of a world where intertwining beams of light dance across a sky of red. They dance together in perfect harmony to the rythm of Paul Oakenfield's "the word" and eventually come to rest on a hill top in the lap of an old man who simply says "Fate". Should I treat this with some kind of ointment?
-Frank W.

Ointment isn't going to help, Frank. If you were a more interesting person, you'd have better flashbacks.

You know those Wrigley's Extra strips things? Those mints that come in packs of 20 that you place on your tongue, and they kind of melt and make your breath taste all fresh? Well, for a dare, I had 20 at once. My face went numb, and talking afterwards was painful.
Is this a bad thing?
-God

I need a little more information. Was your talking as painful to you as your writing is to me?

Hello doc, I was wondering, I'm not circumsised, nore am I in any religion that would require having the hood off my wang butchered off, but still, should I consider getting circumsised or not?
-Edward

Clinically, it's not a 'wang', it's a penis. Consider whatever the hell you want, it's a free country. If you decide to go through with it, my advice is bourbon and lots of it. Circumcision is an outpatient procedure, and to me it's tossup which hurts more; Having your foreskin surgically removed without anesthesia or getting a penis full of novocain.

My face hurts whenever i pee, is that natural?
-Tho

There's about a million jokes I could make all revolving around the word 'dickhead', but I'll be damned if I'll waste the time on a moron like you.

Hey there sexy cheeks, I seem to keep having erotic dreams about -RoG- Do you know how i can get his sexyness outta my brain??
-Call me Spanky

I'm going to go with an icepick.

i'm a purple mess shpaed as a giant reptile. i have alot of children 'round me and i dont know why but i feel that i must assesinate all of them, cuz they are smelly and obnoxiously and loud and ugly. i'm obliged to jump all over the place in front of a cardboard painted with things that resemble clouds and trees along with a horrible music only comparable to the Teletubbies theme. To top it off, i'm supposed to shring at times and i havo no idea of how to do it. my question is, fix my situation.
-Barney

Say, that's a funny gag, a letter like that signed 'Barney'. I'm not sure I could really add anything. I think I'll just sit back and wait for you to get an offer to do one of those 1-800 ads. That's where all the great comics end up sooner or later.

My girlfriend is pregnent, what do I do?
-Nightfall

Notify the father.

Dr Bactine, I have heard marvelous things about bo-tox treatments, and I am seriously considering this treatment option. My question is... will this treatment eliminate the wrinkles on my testicles? Can you do these treatments or should I shop around?
-Dave

Know what, Dave? Screw your medical problem, anything is funny if you put the word 'testicles' in it. Now shut the hell up, Testicles. See what I mean?

hi doc. i think i'm an insomniac (i havent sleept in 5 days) would it do me any harm if i started snorting horlicks?
-Neil

Yeah, yeah, I know, 'what's a Horlicks?' 'Penises'. Hah-de-hah-friggin'-hah.

Do you have something against veterinarians? You always clasify them as 'damned'.
-Jean

Jean, I have nothing but admiration for our nations Veterinarians. It's the damned animal doctors I hate.

Hi, Doctor Bactine, I have a problem...I was reading this review for a hacked ROM review at http://www.i-mockery.com/romhacks/pinkfloyd and my problem is... My asshole dances and shoots hammers... It says on the bottom to see a physician if this happens... So how can this be cured?
A.K.

I'm not a marriage counselor, but I think the name calling you engage in shows your relationship is already in a lot of trouble. The question isn't 'can this be cured?', it's 'Do you and 'Asshole' want to change?'

Do you like Mudvayne, the band?
-Bob

You mean Mulvane, the city... right? If so, then the answer is no. Them sonsabitches "confiscated" one of the best batches of moonshine I ever did make.

dear Dr. Bactine,
I had sex with your wife and it was great!
-Joe

Wow Joe, I've heard of necrophilia before, but I thought even you sickos had some standards.

what's up with freckles? do they do anything? do they make you extra cool? I would think not since neither pirater NOR cyborg killing machines from the future have freckles, and they're pretty cool, right? Camouflage doesn't work, I still can't sit in bushes and freak people out, well, I can, but I don't need the freckles to do so. What are freckles for??
-freckleface

Freckles, liver spots, tumors... I can hardly tell the difference between 'em. If I were you, I'd dig 'em all out with a spoon just to be safe.

I feel like there is like air traped underneath my left torso. I dont feel much durinng the day until I lay down on that side. What should I do?
-Creek Crawfish

Ok Creek, what you have there isn't actually air. It's the souls of the damned. See, good ol' Lucifer (or "Porky McHotpants" as me and the boys like to call him) sometimes runs out of space for all of those souls that he's collected over the years. So he'll choose random places here on Earth to store 'em. Hell, the ones stuck underneath your left torso have it easy if you ask me. I hear there's a few that were stored away in Oprah Winfrey's posterior.

HELP ME!!! I'M DYING!!! aAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Willy P.

It always amazes me that people would rather send an email and wait months for a response during an emergency rather than, you know, pick up a phone and dial 911.

Doc, whenever a green rock approaches me, I start having convulsions! What is happening to me???
-C.K.

That's no rock! Goddamned Leprechauns! Run as far away as you possibly can the next time you see one!

Dear Dr.
Is it possible to resist the urge to ever have sex for one's entire life, or would the horomones eventually take over, despite strong willpower?
-David

Depends on who you're married to.

hi i was wondering how much u make a year i am 13teen i wish to be a vet when i grow up im doing a project and i was just wondering well i got to go try to email me back a/s/a/p hope u can
-sumar grogg

Sumar, my boy, it's not how much money your job pays you that matters, it's how many people you help. Eh, who am I kidding... I don't make squat and I haven't had a shower in ages. Heck, even the landlord evicted me not too long ago, and I cured his nasty case of genital warts that were on his feet. There's just no respect for a sawbones these days.

Why do octopodes lack bones? Are they mocking us with their ability to squeeze through tiny holes? P.S. octopodes is the proper plural for octopus, in case you didn't know that.
-Kairu Hakubi

Kairi, they're no better than us. I've squeezed myself through some tiny holes in my day. Sure, it left me with a bit of a limp and an addiction to painkillers, but it was well worth it. 

In the summertime my libibo increases almost tenfold and my girl can't handle it. What can I do to get hers up?
-Adrian

Wait, you want your "girlfriend" to get it up? Are you sure that's a girl you've got there?

Dear Doctor Bottle Face.
All the girls at school make fun of me because i am a leper. is there a cure for leprosy and will you go out with me?
-shimothy

CHECK ONE

[ ]YES
[ ]NO
[ ]MAYBE

Oh no you don't... your attempts to have me write on my computer screen with a permanent marker so that I can check one of those boxes has failed. I already fell for that trick in the past... twice.

Dr Bactine we need your help, demons have invaded our homeland and we have nothing to defend, they have destroyed our weapons, killed our men and given venereal diseases to all our women...Is this abnormal or is America always that way?
-Feral Spirit

They don't call it the "Melting Pot" for nothin, Feral.

Hi. I stink like raw cabbage dipped in tomato sauce that was continually sprayed with skunk fluid a total of 895 times until the skunk died and owls crapped all over it and then they died too. Can you help me get rid of the smell?
-Onion Ring

No problem Onion Ring, just follow these simple instructions and soon those odors will be long gone.
1) Apply fire
2) Repeat step 1 as needed.

Well, it's lights out in my cell-block and I must get back to digging a hole out of here under the cover of darkness with my makeshift shovel. If all goes well, the next time I respond to these damned emails I'll be living it up in Acapulco as an escaped convict. Wish me luck.