:-* kissies to mradventure!

[Helm]

When did you, if at all, realise that sex actually is more like eating than it is this mystical silliness most kids thought it would be? Was the viewpoint shift gradual or swift? Were you perhaps never as prone to silliness as I was an[ EDIT: this thread has served it's original purpose. Now it is the we love mradventure thread. This is where you tell mr.adventure that you love him. d never overestimated it's significance? I turned 20 this fourth of may and I was doing my annual introspection bit (right after the annual shower) and I was thinking of this.

[Dole]

Um....sex is fantastic. Its most fun you can have whilst exercising. Sex with someone you love is the best thing on Earth.

[Helm]

I must have been doing something wrong then :(

Are you sure you PRESS the penis between the other girls shoulderblades? I tried sliding it over them as if my penis was a fleshy moist organic window-cleaner but that didn't seem to make the experience any more worthwhile.

Well, just barely.

[Royal Tenenbaum]

I agree with Dole. You really must be doing something wrong.

[Cosmo Electrolux]

I think I was around 23 or 24 when I came to that realization, Helm....sex has become more of a chore than anything.

[da blob]

Sex with someone you love is the best thing on Earth.

the most boring sex I ever had was with someone I thought I loved ...

Now about Helm's question, fuck it, when sex and eating will be the same I'll never dare going to a restaurant anymore.
Seriously - I don't think I ever bought into that mystical bullshit, always saw it as the physical / hormonal / instinctual urge it is, but realizing at the same time that you get the better of it when engaging your brain in the process.

[Helm]

Doesn't it depress you all the more if you put thought into the process? It did so for me. I mean it's a very silly concept if you think about it. The whole mating thing. Absurd.

[Royal Tenenbaum]

Sex can only be bad if it's bad sex. Yes, that is obvious, but obviously either you suck or you're with the wrong person.

[Helm]

Whatever you say, Dr. Ruth. Any other mindless drivel you've been force-fed to the point of submission time and time again by your peers you'd like to run by me?

[Matt Harty]

I think it depends on how many times you've had sex. If you're able to go out and pick up any woman you want for casual sex, a relationship or whatever it seems more like eating.

If you're more worried about love and shit (marriage, long term) things will always be mystical and special.

[Helm]

I'm generally more worried than married.

[da blob]

the silliest thing when you think of it is to perform an act devoid of its very meaning - reproduction. It can become just as stupid as any other quest for mere physical relief / pleasure (drugs, etc). IMO what saves it from pure ridicule (when possible) is when your partner is more important than you - some might say "love", but I don't think the two are equal, not in my experience anyway. Also having someone who does care for you turns some mechanical / organic fluids exchange processes into something worthwhile. It's in what you exchange - the "brain" part.
In fact I might seem close to the "mystical love whatever bullshit" school of thought except I think it's in the brain not in the heart / soul / whatever.
If I make sense.

[Helm]

Honestly, I've never had sex with a girl that I felt at the time in love with. I got some too late in life to go for the love thing. There was always physical attraction but that's the bare minimum. I wasn't even ever in the least impressed with their personalities. Not that they were stupid. It's just a very specific type of woman -which we all meet in our late-teens- which has made her shortcomings into a 'style' and her confusion into an oppinionated overconfidence, that I seemed to turn out with. Not because of preference but because the alternative were the truly despicable ones that understood nothing and didn't even understood that. Anyway, the initial daze when you meet such a woman quickly fades. And what is then left is fucking a shallow hole. It's funny because you're there and you're doing it and you're trying to justify it and all you can think about is how completely angry you are with this unresponsive... thing you're so furiously trusting your penis inside. It's angry funny. And a bit sad. I dunno, I guess if I had met a girl I found geniunely intellectually intriguing I could have verified what you're speaking of, blob.

[da blob]

I think it depends on how many times you've had sex. If you're able to go out and pick up any woman you want for casual sex, a relationship or whatever it seems more like eating.


Bullshit. How many times has nothing to do with it. In fact it could even be the opposite - the more you know about it, the less you worry about the mechanical part of it.

[Cosmo Electrolux]

wow, Helm...I feel the same way, but I could never put it into words. Damn...i feel so empty.

[Helm]

If only I had OAO's gargantuan penis. I wouldn't even bother with women. I'd just sit here and masturbate all day long and then take measurements after each session to see how many segments of an inch my penis has grown.

[da blob]

Honestly, I've never had sex with a girl that I felt at the time in love with. I got some too late in life to go for the love thing.

Too late well duh you're only 20 - I know some guys who lost their virginity older than you are now, fucked meaninglessly around for a little while untill they got bored of it and then later on got to meet some girls in whom they had enough interest to develop a relationship and thus realize the difference between "casual sex" and the interesting kind.



It's funny because you're there and you're doing it and you're trying to justify it and all you can think about is how completely angry you are with this unresponsive... thing you're so furiously trusting your penis inside. It's angry funny. And a bit sad.

This is a symptom that you actually have a functional brain - enjoy ! Just think about the billions of humans on earth who are so shallow they feel satisfied with this meaningless fucking. Mere physical relief of nervous tension - masturbation using a (supposedly) living (supposedly) human being.



I dunno, I guess if I had met a girl I found geniunely intellectually intriguing I could have verified what you're speaking of, blob

There's no reason you won't get to know one one day or another. Not every girl's like Terra.

[Helm]

I have taken a vow of abstinence. :serious

[theapportioner]

A great blowjob trumps humping any day. :)

[da blob]

A great blowjob trumps humping any day. :)


you must be a bore to fuck.

[AChimp]

Helm, I feel depression sinking into my skull now. Damn your hairy Greek ass. >: :(

[Mr. Vagiclean]

yeah that "initial daze" always felt like an untrue phase of an encounter with a member of an opposite sex :(
Helm you ever met a girl that had a way of thinking like you who's honest of what she wants and draws the line between physical saturation and the thing you call "love"?
May be the abstinence is a way to go, but i always found the comfort in the thought that i can't stay this objective forever and that there IS a girl that you will want to just be with even after you finish jerking off
*or you could just be talking in a whole another level here, just please ignore the nonsense if you are :(

[Rev. Danno]

Ok, maybe I'm way off base here but I tend to think of sex as more of a sport then anything else. There are tons of jokes I can make based off that statement, but really that's how I feel about it.
It's like a sport, and if you are lucky everyone wins.
But really for me I treat it like how I used to veiw hiking, golf or Bowling. I try to out do myself, try harder then the time before.
If I do good I feel good about it.
It's something I really enjoy doing, hell it's the reason I keep in halfway decent shape. I can't catch or throw a ball very well. I'm a crappy runner, but damn it, I'm good at sex (or at least that's what I've been told. Maybe it was just not to bruise my ego).
Also I get as attached to those I sleep w/ as I would someone i would play tennis w/, "What, you can't play tennis anymore w/ me... Ok, I'll find some else to play w/." But then again, I'm also a creepy jerk.

[maggiekarp]

Boy, I'm glad I haven't had the sex yet.



Now I'm looking at it like getting your wisdom teeth pulled. Inevitable suck :(

[Alive]

When your in love, every climax (orgasm) is a cleansing of the soul. a cleaning of the slate, of all worries/concerns/jealousies and indecisions and a filling of the others prescence, to me.

everything else is just "getting off" relieveing those sudden urges wether its masturebation or a quickie *dare i say, one night stands (witch i dont par-take in deliberatly, but has happened in the past) but allways leaves you with a slight hunger for more, unlike being in love.

[CaptainBubba]

Ok, maybe I'm way off base here but I tend to think of sex as more of a sport then anything else. There are tons of jokes I can make based off that statement, but really that's how I feel about it.
It's like a sport, and if you are lucky everyone wins.
But really for me I treat it like how I used to veiw hiking, golf or Bowling. I try to out do myself, try harder then the time before.
If I do good I feel good about it.
It's something I really enjoy doing, hell it's the reason I keep in halfway decent shape. I can't catch or throw a ball very well. I'm a crappy runner, but damn it, I'm good at sex (or at least that's what I've been told. Maybe it was just not to bruise my ego).
Also I get as attached to those I sleep w/ as I would someone i would play tennis w/, "What, you can't play tennis anymore w/ me... Ok, I'll find some else to play w/." But then again, I'm also a creepy jerk.


Exactly. Its not "mystical" or any such thing, but it is extremely fun. I like doing it more than almost any other leisure activity I can think of and if you're doing it in the right way it can be a really really good workout as Danno said. Its really only half what you get out of it at best. The main thing for me is the fact that I love the person I'm with and making her feel good physically makes me happy, regardless of how meaningless or temporary it might be. Knowing that you can bring pleasure to a person because of your own skill is just a very very nice feeling. Only I really don't think I could change partners with such emotional ease.

[Big McLargehuge]

Every one here is talking about "love" and I think you all have the wrong conception about what love is. The problem as I see it with the concept of “love” is that it is always has the connotation of symbiosis; you see this in people when they claim that their “other half” “completes them”. The idea that love is some kind of mutually beneficial relationship is not entirely wrong, but it isn’t a symbiotic one, it is a parasitic one. Lovers are like two ticks, sucking each other dry.

[Dole]

Jesus...I really think the people here could talk themselves out of having fun of kind.

There so many young people here with all kinds of existential despair!

[Rev. Danno]

Well, my problem isn't everyones problem...
I am so emotinaly unattached to everything/everyone.
Because of the lovely realationships I've been in in the last 7 years I really don't belive in love... Just lust, co-dependance, and the fear of dieing alone.
Also I've always been a bit of a whore with little in the way of morals.
But hey I'm sure in a few months you all will se the Annual "I'M IN LOVE" thread that I tend to post... Then I'll be of the board for sevral months, and then the "I've returned broken and Bruised" thread...
How many times have I done this?
Do you think I'll learn?
but hell i'm kidding myself, I'm slightly sad about the fact a peticular girl in Olympia didn't visit me last weekend like she said she would, and hasn't returned my phone calls.

Oh, that's another thing, I never listen to anyone when they tell me "anyone but her dude..."

[Hugh_Bristic]

I just couldn't do it.

[Helm]

I never was that self-conscious as to care about how good I was at sex and/or try to get better at it. I was fucking lumps of flesh, which I could argue either way as to whether were even sentient beings to begin with. And when they got off (note to idiots: you can tell when the other person gets off) I didn't recieve any such strong feeling of satisfaction over having that effect on them.

So, uh. Abstinence. *sigh*

[da blob]

hey Helm if you don't mind a question : so WHY did you do it ?

[Helm]

Because I want to be free. It's a big conversation but you're bright and you're able to act both parts in it. Here's some keywords:

instinct. free will. genetic predisposition. awareness. social programming.

Have fun.

Edit: think of freedom not as in freedom of action but rather of freedom of intention. before action. you get my drift.

[da blob]

get it, and even moreso as we already had this conversation before - not exactly, but it came down to the same thing.

[Helm]

Yes, yes. Good. Same page. Keep reading.

[theapportioner]

A great blowjob trumps humping any day. :)


you must be a bore to fuck.

Nah, not a bore. I don't care for anything elaborate, or marathon sessions, but I enjoy it, and the person I'm fucking does too.

[Jeanette X]

I think it's more satisfying if you have something psychological vested in it. Sprinting is fun, but sprinting and winning a race is even better.

*slow motion removal of clothes while Chariots of Fire theme plays*

[MrAdventure]

hey why dont you all do what i did and somehow (probably through childhood - thanks childhood) find the touch of other people completely repellant unless it is an act of violence

[Cosmo Electrolux]

I'd rather sit and visualize Jeanette stripping slowly :yum

[Helm]

Adventure, I had a problem with being touched by people that I didn't want to be touched (not exactly the same problem as yours) which resulted to many violent situations as I was growing up. Are you still the same way?

[Royal Tenenbaum]

Just because you've only had sex with dirty losers doesn't make you some expert on the subject. Have sex with someone you love or at least care about, and then open your shit-stinking mouth.

[MrAdventure]

I'm still very much the same. My handshakes are quick and tense, I almost always move right away to a hamburger to change the feeling. When my Mother tries to hug me, it's usually my arms flat to my sides. I'm a bit sad that I can't even hug my own Mother, but I'm still desperate to move away.

I'm not actively violent; the only time I actually get anywhere near physical violence is sparring, which sounds as gay as it looks. I've never been in a fight, I'm fairly small, inconspicuous, and more than half the time antagonists probably think I'm a girl. :-* :-*

[theapportioner]

THE ANSWER: ROUGH SEX

[Helm]

I'm sorry, was that last post directed at me? If so, I think you're trying too hard. I know this is i-mockery and everything and god forbid there's a thread that's spared of your ever-so witty generalised insults, but I'm sure you could find some other threads in which you won't have to grasp at straws as to do your thing.

[Helm]

My last post was directed at Royal, by the way.

Adventure: no girl intimacy then?

[MrAdventure]

No urge, no intimacy. It's not as though my dislike is a crippling phobia; the sensation is more of an extreme revulsion. I can stomach it to a certain extent of course, if it's a situation with no other option.

I feel as though I don't have the emotional resources to bother putting another person in such consideration as a relationship would require, so the loss to me is minimal.

I have very little sex drive on the whole, and am neither looking forward to nor actively seeking my first sexual encounter. That, and tales of my best friend and his harem of dumb girls is really enough to put me off to the idea of even a momentary relationship.

I know, tough loss ladies.

[Helm]

I know you get this a lot, but I don't think you're missing too much. As long as you've had meaningful relationships of the friendly kind with women and you've masturbated even once you're probably overequipped as to fill in the gap of what an actual sexual relationship would be like. And now Royal will come in and tell us how this isn't so.

[AChimp]

Love is waiting to get your CDs back. :lol

[CaptainBubba]

You're all right. You're all so right. Love is a meaningless verbal title given to a simple reproductive urge and I should be ashamed to suggest that sex is anything more than a physical manifestation of these simple totally worthless urges. I am slicing off my testicles with a razor blade as we speak. I plan to set myself on fire tommorow because I am merely a sack of flesh and though I believe myself to be concious I am only a tiny speck in an autonomous world devoid of such notions as free will (what is such a thing anyway? Can you truly explain it?) and purpose.

Wait srry. My gf just called. We're going to a movie after we eat din with our moms. Maybe we'll do it. omg I'm excited. TTYL BYE <3. ;p

[Rongi]

When did you become such a gay.

[CaptainBubba]

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES
THIS IS MY LAST RESORT

[Helm]

Bubba, if you were trying to make a point in your post I'm going to completely disregard it. Mainly because it sorta sounded like you were talking to yourself. Waiting for your turn to speak. Speak. Waiting for your turn to speak. You know what I mean. Have a nice movie with your girlfriend and don't kiss your mother with that mouth.

[Dole]

This thread gave me the reaction I often get when reading mockery: 'Fuck, I am a lot more normal than I gave myself credit for!'.

[Royal Tenenbaum]

Helm, here's the new tip for you - try having sex and actually having the patience to give the girl an orgasm. It might make it fun for the both of you, instead of just lasting the 30 seconds it takes to get you off.

Chimp, love isn't that, love is never kissing a girl and then writing her a 10 page letter.

[CaptainBubba]

Bubba, if you were trying to make a point in your post I'm going to completely disregard it. Mainly because it sorta sounded like you were talking to yourself. Waiting for your turn to speak. Speak. Waiting for your turn to speak. You know what I mean. Have a nice movie with your girlfriend and don't kiss your mother with that mouth.

I was making a point but not directed at you. More towards the people in here who reek of angsty un-loved teenager. This whole thread just became disgusting. Your initial point was interesting but its evolved into another "love doesnt exist. boohoo" thread. Kill yourselves.

[kellychaos]

That is a phallicy, sir!

[Rongi]

This whole thread just became disgusting. Your initial point was interesting but its evolved into another "love doesnt exist. boohoo" thread. Kill yourselves.

I was calling you gay because you keep parading the fact that you have a girlfriend. I beleive that love exists but I also beleive that love can turn people into retards.

[MrAdventure]

i hear that exact phrase almost every time the subject comes around helm, and it is usually from folks in a relationship, so it is like they are calling themselves a retard strapped into the worlds worst roller coaster who keeps getting on it just because someone hands them a ticket to ride or perhaps they find a ticket next to the garbage soaked in vomit

if i had to define love well it is a fine-ass lady leprechaun and a dashin handsome man leprechaun penetrating each other on the back of a sardine-tight herd of unicorns galloping down a rainbow into a glittery gay pond

that or it could be a harmonic balance between two people that are realistically expecting neither a constant high nor a constant low coupled with earned respect and deserved trust

but love is for fags anyways

[whoreable]

awesome

[Helm]

It was, wasn't it?

[AChimp]

It was 11 pages. >:

[sadie]

i'm no fag. >:

[Dole]

I wish Mr adventure posted like that more often.

[Helm]

I wish Mr. Adventure posted more often period

[Dole]

I wouldnt go that far.

[Helm]

LONDON, Nov 13 (AFP) - Rivalry between Arsenal and Manchester United spilled over to the fringes of the Dutch squad on Thursday when Dennis Bergkamp told Ruud van Nistelrooy that he deserved to be sidelined from the national team.

http://www.bfpa.org/BandB.JPG

"Nistelrooy??"


United star van Nistelrooy reacted angrily to being replaced during the Netherlands Euro 2004 qualifier against the Czech Republic last month and was axed for the next match.

http://www.filipinosoftball.com/lined98/7a.jpg

"You simply went too far"

The spat has led to van Nistelrooy starting on the bench for this
Saturday's trip to Hampden Park where Dick Advocaat will be hoping his Dutch troops can snatch a first leg victory in their crucial Euro 2004 playoff against Scotland.

http://slccv.homestead.com/publishImages/MapGetToSCCV_12889.gif

HOW TO GET TO SLCCV
http://slccv.homestead.com/files/GetTo__SLCCV.jpg

From I-95 take Indrio Road Exit. Go East on Indrio Road and turn North onto 713 at the light

From the Florida Turnpike, take the Fort Pierce Exit. Go North on 713.

From Route 1 Take the "Feeder Road" if going South. If going North watch for the light. (If you cross the railroad, you went too far!)

[Perndog]

I don't know what's going on in this thread, but I'm going to answer the initial question.

I found out the first time I got laid and woke up in the morning feeling like nothing special had happened. And the idea was driven into my head after the next two or three times.

Maybe it's different if you do it with someone you love?

[Helm]

I am willing to believe that this is so.

[Royal Tenenbaum]

Have you tried giving a partner an orgasm yet? It might help out...

[AChimp]

Reach-arounds are for fags. >:

[Helm]

It makes me feel a bit troubled that you're actually following this thread. What is it about it that attracted your attention? So much that you'd post the same thing twice in a row no less. Do you actually expect an answer to your question? The answer is implied if you cared to actually read the thread instead of just cheaply picking insults. Yes I-mockery, I know. So mock me then, if you think I deserve mocking and have otherwise nothing else to add to the conversation. I'll try to play along but don't bore me to tears with lame insinuations of impotence. Woo! I'm impotent! I cannot produce offspring! I've failed the human species as a whole! Stone me to death! What next, you'll tell me I smell? Your mom jokes?

You have a unique gift, royal. You seem like such a useless person, devoid of any redeeming quality, that each time I care to reply to you I feel a little bit more useless myself. In that I've actually engaged in conversation with you there seem to lie some terrible potential for my own cheapening as a human being. You're a walking, talking depression. This will be the last time I ever say anything to you. Go bother someone else with your retarded impotence jokes.

[MrAdventure]

:-* it is the kissies to mradventure thread now

and as you drown me in laudatory roses i am a bit sad

i guess it is because any definition of love that does not consist of flesh intertwining flesh like a garland on a tree planted in a cloud made of specifically bred golden retriever puppies blessed with freedom from congential defects will die as soon as hallmark catches wind

ps sadie you are only a fag if your definition of love is some sort of orgasmic rapture in which the vagina and penis are given adorable confectionary nicknames

[Perndog]

Okay, I read the whole thread now.

I am happy to say that I now have two reasons to think Royal Tenenbaum is a loser. :)

[Royal Tenenbaum]

"Go bother someone else with your retarded impotence jokes."

Ha, you're so blind and stupid it makes me sick. What would you being impotent have to do with giving a woman an orgasm, you fucking useless tool? Seriously, fuck, whatever, you may actually be impotent, but that doesn't mean shit all in terms of whether or not you're pleasing the your partner. All being impotent would mean is that you can't experience sexual pleasure in the conventional sense, so, of course, you're weak, little, conventional mind would immediately jump to the conclusion that some how your inability to pleasure a woman properly has something to do with your own penis! Hilarious, and, in fact, to paraphrase you, 'depressing.' Next time you're lucky enough to trick another woman into allowing herself to be brutalized by your Mongoloid (yes, I mean of the Gangis Kahn variety) sexual habits, try this: first, foreplay. Yes, I know this sounds like work, but she may actually begin to produce natural lubricant, instead of you being forced to spring for an extra tub of Crisco. Next, once all the clothes are removed, etc. and she seems fairly amped up, use your fingers for a bit. In fact, sometimes it's nice to start the whole thing off with an orgasm for her purely from your fingers. Switching it up and going down on her is also very fun, and unless you're a huge fag (which I'm pretty sure you are), this should also act to get you very excited. Once this has a) hit a boiling point or b) she is in the throws of, for lack of a better, less-cliche term, sexual ecstasy and needs your cock, then you should move on to that part of the event. I understand you're impotent, so, purely for fun, use your fingers and tongue to make her cum. So, because you are so stupid, not only did I have to clarify my use of the English language, but I also had to teach you how to have hot, meaningful sex. Because, guess what, sex will be more meaningful if she actually wants more.

[Slinky Ferret]

Well without so many words I kinda agree with Royal. The majority of women don't tend to have an orgasm when they are having sex. Why? Well most of the time its the partner not bothering to know what turns them on. The difference between having sex with someone you care about and casual sex is that with the former you are more likely to make that effort to cause the bed to shake. While with casual you're normally drunk and want it over and done with asap.

When you are in love with someone or care about them I think you make more of an effort to please them. Sadly the main highlight of a dying relationship is when the sex gets crap or stops altogether.

Women often fake orgasms to get it over and done with.

[Perndog]

Bullshit. The last girl I was with always wanted it and enjoyed it more than I did, and it still wasn't meaningful to me.

[Royal Tenenbaum]

Because she didn't mean anything to you, you fucking douche bag. Seriously, get your head out of your ass. Obviously you have to care about the person as well.

I guess Helm doesn't want to respond to my post because he's already so used to getting fucked in the ass.

[Perndog]

We already agreed on that point. You were rambling about something completely different. Ass.

[Royal Tenenbaum]

Either way, the point of this thread is the fact Helm is too selfish to pleasure women and that is why is he would be a hollow shell of a man if he wasn't so full of shit.

[Anonymous]

I think the point of this thread to you is trying to make yourself feel better about your own inadequecies by crudely copying and pasting them on others.

[Royal Tenenbaum]

I don't really feel like I have any inadequecies in terms of sexual fulfillment. Well, other than the fact that I still live with my parents, I don't. But, I'm in a very loving relationship, and I find sex to be really great and excellent and I don't get how these other morons think it's some hollow experience. I'm not copying and pasting my will onto others either; not one person here has to do what I say, but I'm just trying to explain to Helm how he can, perhaps, have meaningful, rewarding sex. I don't actually see why I am doing that though, because he's a massive cock-sucker and he should suffer with mediocre, shitty sex for the rest of his worthless life.

[Anonymous]

I think the length of that response pretty much proves my point.

[Anonymous]

I would also like to add that I think you bite down on dick.

[CaptainBubba]

Is biting not supposed to produce instantaneous and powerful orgasms?

[Helm]

Hello again! Seeing how I am now in good spirits once again I've decided to adress Royal's concerns about my sexual prowess - or lack thereof as he'd put it what a clever fellow - and general well-being. Let me first start with a sincere apology for taking out what was the frustration of a difficult night on you, Royal. I'm sure you're not depressing in the least bit in person. I'm sure you're neither overbearing to a sickening degree, nor that your hair is indeed extremely weird and frankly a little scary like I've heard. I'm also sure that your dick is very long and thick - contrary to what chojin suggests - if not however a bit crooked like a crowbar and that you blow yourself off every other day sometimes on the weekends in the weather's nice :) Now, I'd like to do two things, first set up this little scene that will go a long way to make you understand why I overreacted in that horrible way and also, I will use some old material which many would consider an internet oldie but goodie. Fun for all! So let's go.

See this here thread discussed what I felt was an interest topic and indeed most people that participated did so in a civil manner, which is more than one could expect from the mock usually. One could make the analogy of a circle of - if not friends, frankly - at least well-mannered individuals sitting around and chipping in their 2 cents. And then there's you. You'd approach this circle of friends and you would try to belong by doing what you think you're supposed to do in this forum - fling your shit at someone in an akward throw that one could attribute to your mishapen atrophic hand, or perhaps your posture, the result of a hunch directly related to your horrible birth wounds on your back. From inside which a yellow rancid liquid would ooze. Which you'd pick up with an overgrown finger and rub it on your only two front teeth and make this erie moaning nose. Anyway, to make a long story short, even the monkey in the group had better manners than you even though your thumbs looked longer and stronger than his, signifying a more advanced evolutionary position, or perhaps just your seriously scary masturbatory habits. Following me so far? Good. So you'd lisp your little bit of bulshit and everybody would look at you blankly - you know the look - and you'd laugh your screechy little laugh and short of pat yourself to your back with your misshapen grotesque arm on your horrible festering wound and make sploshy sounds and and and. Then you'd shut up and go back to whichever masturbatory mental image you were in the middle of before you decided to comment on whatever was said. You see we bear with that. Most regulars have beared with the squishing and sploshing and the lisping for a few years now.

But when you overstay your welcome, and especially when you take the lack of attention towards you as some sort of silent acceptance you become a tad bit irritating. And frankly in such a situation in real life, as much as I detest the abuse of severily handicapped individuals I would (here comes the internet classic!) punch you in the fucking nose. Not too much I wouldn't want you to lose your last two teeth, although that could make your sunday blowjob session a bit more enjoyable. I'm sure the fist meet face scenario has happened many times in your life because not everybody else is as tolerant as I. So until someone invents the internet-slapper, I'm going to do the metaphorical next best thing. To verbally wuss-slap you like your white and rubbery ass deserves. Which is a bit gross but I'm going to do it for you. Because deep down inside I really feel for you. Just in the same way I feel for a man born without testicles. Although just a bit more in your case. Which is not to say that some mild physical pain is out of the question. Get ready for a big post of fun. This is what you come in the mock for, right? So here it is.

So uh. Ok. You fucking moron. I equated sexual inadequacy with impotency. I'm greek and I struggle with the language. What's your excuse? Besides being fucking ugly and stupid, I mean. It's not anyone's fault your dad used you for bowling practise (ball, pin, it's all good) and your mom as a chair. And what's with the sexual advice? I could see you getting all hot and bothered and thinking it's sunday while you were talking about going down and using your grotesque overgrown fingers and all that. It was fucking scary, you little beast. You might be ok with seeing festering wounds turn a particular shade of pink and spurting this white iffy snot everywhere because hey, let's face it -you live there- but it was just mildly disconcerting for everybody else. And for the record, I would not be so quick to brag about how I have 'good sex' with my retarded mother. How do you know if she likes it? We can't fucking ask her she's a vegetable you shit. Just because she drools on you when you fist your awkard little atrophic arm up her hole jesus it doesn't mean anything other than you're stirring up what's inside there. God damn it.

Anyway. Keeping with this setting the record straight trend, let me just add that I have had sex in which my partner had orgasms and that didn't make so much of difference about how I felt about it because to put it in terms you'd understand, just because your mother's making this horrible moaning noises which you interpret as 'thank you' every time you have your way with her doesn't make the whole buisness any more worthwhile and frankly neither does it make it even the tiniest bit less gross. Sorry. Turning the lights off sorta does but that messes up my analogy so fuck it.

So do you understand you crooked and stumpy little fellow? Not only are you a disgrace to humanity, but you also aren't too fun to kick around (I mean look. I'm doing all the work here) , no matter how much your dad would adamantly profess to the contrary. So I'm just going to leave you be for now, safe in the knowledge that this will not be the last time I'm going to have to put your miserable existence into perspective. But that's what you're here for and while it may definately not be that I am here for, hey, I'm feeling charitable.

So do us all a favour and go swallow your dick or something.

[Royal Tenenbaum]

Your little post was nothing more than a boring yarn filled with libel. All you did was take out what bag of cliched insults you have, "OMG SLEEPING WITH A MOM! Oh man! How clever," and ignored the real issues. How great. While I did sling some personal attacks at you, it was merely in relation to your ignorance and refusal to accept, or at least acknowledge, useful advice. Instead, you crawled back into your little cave, and continue to fuck the rock wall. That may be why the sex is meaningless, since it always ends with your 1" twig bleeding like a dead animal. To say that you put my existance into perspective is hilarious, since all you did was through about a much of generalizations that in no way are applicable to any element of my life and then pile the shitwall around your head even higher. It's apparent you are in denial to keep yourself from commiting suicide, so I suppose I should have some compassion for your worthless life. But, either way, you're disturbingly full of shit, you don't deserve good sex or whatever you want to classify as fulfilling.

[Helm]

But it is a verified fact that your hair is strange and scary!

[Perndog]

Actually, Royal, as far as several people around here are concerned, he hit the nail on the head.

[soundtest]

royal seriously just shut up i'm embarassed for you

[Royal Tenenbaum]

Yes, people here hate me! I understand that and I don't care, because most of the people here are fucking losers anyway.

[bigtimecow]

all i comprehend is the word mysti[k]al, so here we go:

SHAKE YO ASS, WATCH YASELF
SHAKE YO ASS, SHOW ME WHATCHA WORKIN WITH
ATTENTION ALL YALL PLAYAS AND PIMPS RIGHT HERE IS THE PLACE TO BE
I THOUGHT I TOLD Y'ALL NIGGAS BEFORE Y'ALL NIGGAS DONT FUCK WIT ME


WTAHCY SELF +


+ edit: WATCH YASELF*

[Anonymous]

As clichéd as insinuating incest is, whining about the caliber of retorts is as aged as the clothes you purchase from goodwill to feel different from everyone else in the computer lab.