Hit Return to continue

[Pub Lover]

S

S

[Anonymous]

greet fistula

[FS]

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are at the green pyramid. A guard stands in front of the portal.
The guard is sucking on a jawbreaker.
Exits are North.

"Hi, Fistula Jones!" you yell cheerfully at the guard.
The guard jerks, opens his mouth, and starts gagging. He drops his sword and clutches at his throat, trying to expell the jawbreaker that's stuck in there. Eventually he turns blue in the face and goes down. He gurgles something that you think sounds like "It's Smith! Fistula Smith!"

>_

[Anonymous]

take sword
save
enter portal

[FS]

You now have the guard's sword.

Your game was saved as Aug24_04b.sav

You enter the portal...
You arrive in the central chamber of the Temple of Toenails. In the center, directly below the pyramid's apex, stands a pedestal with on it... the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust!
Suddenly, in a flash of starlight, a giant mass of skin and horns materializes in the chamber. As it stretches out, opens its gaping maw and roars, you notice a hear-shaped tattoo in the middle of its chest.
"I am Jiffy the Fierce!!" the creature growls. "You have about three seconds to get the hell out of here before I crush and subsequently eat you!"
Exits are North.

>_

[Carnivore]

Taunt Jiffy about his name.

[Anonymous]

north

[FS]

You taunt Jiffy, in response to which he roars.
"You now have two seconds!" says he.

You are outside the green pyramid. To the South is a portal leading in.
Exits are North, South.

>_

[Mockery]

Hug Jiffy

[Anonymous]

North

[Supafly345]

return

[FS]

You don't see Jiffy.

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

I don't know what return is.

>_

[Mockery]

enter green pyramid
hug Jiffy

[Anonymous]

south
enter green pyramid
hug Jiffy

[FS]

You are outside the green pyramid. To the South is a portal leading in.
Exits are North, South.

You are inside the Temple of Toenails. In the center stands a pedestal with the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust.
Jiffy the Fierce stands before it.
"I am Jiffy the Fierce!!" the creature growls. "You have about three seconds to get the hell out of here before I crush and subsequently eat you!"
Jiffy seems to have short-term memory problems.
Exits are North.

You hug Jiffy. Unfortunately, he is unmoved by your friendly gesture and tears our your vital organs. You die while Jiffy begins the satisfying process of eating you up.

You are dead! To see how many points you scored, please order the registered version! Only $9.99!
Would you like to restore from the last save (Aug24_04b.sav)?
Y/N

>_

[Carnivore]

Yes.

Enter portal.

Ask Jiffy if he can touch his tongue to his ear.

[Anonymous]

ask jiffy about tattoo

[FS]

Restoring from Aug24_04b.sav

...............

You are outside the massive, green pyramid. To the South is a portal leading in. The dead body of the guard lies on the ground.
Exits are North, South.

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A pink feather.
A y-shaped branch.
A guard's sword.

You enter the portal...
You arrive in the central chamber of the Temple of Toenails. In the center, directly below the pyramid's apex, stands a pedestal with on it... the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust!
Suddenly, in a flash of starlight, a giant mass of skin and horns materializes in the chamber. As it stretches out, opens its gaping maw and roars, you notice a hear-shaped tattoo in the middle of its chest.
"I am Jiffy the Fierce!!" the creature growls. "You have about three seconds to get the hell out of here before I crush and subsequently eat you!"
Exits are North.

"I'm not doing tricks for you! Get out of here!" Jiffy roars.
"You now have two seconds!" says he.

"What's up with the tattoo?" you ask.
Rather than reply, Jiffy quickly places both his claws over his chest.
"You now have one second!" says he.

>_

[Anonymous]

north
enter portal
take bowl
north

[Carnivore]

Ask Jiffy why he's married to the three second rule, why we just can't talk things out? If he's a dick, stab him in the eyes with the sword.

[ThisIsWitty]

Stab Jiffy in the tatoo.

[executioneer]

edit: n/m

[Seven Force]

Get down on all fours, put ass in air, spread ass-cheeks.

[executioneer]

shut up fags
again
again
again
again

[Seven Force]

Alt+F4

[EisigerBiskuit]

Is this the reason why I can't play fun games anymore? Internuisances.

[James]

Is your avatar Paul Heyman?

[EisigerBiskuit]

Is your avatar Paul Heyman?
In no way whatsoever

[James]

It looks like him.

[EisigerBiskuit]

I can see some resemblance.
http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/wwfmirrorimages/heyman9701.jpg

[James]

That looks like an angry Mr. Potato Head.

[EisigerBiskuit]

>Ignore EisigerBiskuit
>Ignore James
>Continue Chojin;Carnivore

[FS]

You are outside the green pyramid. To the South is a portal leading in.
Exits are North, South.

You are inside the Temple of Toenails. In the center stands a pedestal with the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust.
Jiffy the Fierce stands before it.
"I am Jiffy the Fierce!!" the creature growls. "You have about three seconds to get the hell out of here before I crush and subsequently eat you!"
Jiffy seems to have short-term memory problems.
Exits are North.

You try to make a run for the bowl, but Jiffy blocks your way and tries to grab you.
"You now have two seconds!" says he.

Jiffy does not understand your question.
"You now have one second!" says he.

You try to hit Jiffy in the chest, but he blocks your attack with his claws.
"Time's up!" says he, and charges towards you.

>_

[Carnivore]

Throw dirt in his eyes, stab him in the tattoo while he's blinded.

[ernasty10050]

hey guys let me be one of the text adventurers, i love doing this...now do we stab him or run?

[the_dudefather]

throw A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket at jiffy

(so he will eat it or something)

[HickMan]

That looks like an angry Mr. Potato Head.
rubbing your tits :(

[Ftang Ftang Olay OLay]

nuke the smacktard and steal the fingerbowl thingy

[FS]

Pre-programmed response:

Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you. Who's next?

>_

[Ftang Ftang Olay OLay]

tell him he had an appointment cause he has a short memory then steal the bowl

[FS]

Fuck you some more, now fuck off, you fucking fuck.

--programming staff

>_

[the_dudefather]

(my post was serious, but anyways..)

n
s

give poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket to jiffy

[ThisIsWitty]

Inventory.


Reload.

Enter green pyramid.

Brandish dowsing rod.

[ernasty10050]

this is like impossible because two people say to do different things at the same time...

[Supafly345]

Dodge Jiffy and trip him

[FS]

I'm just gonna try and pick it up here from dudefather's post, but it's starting to get impossible.

You can't properly throw it in its current form, and the blanket won't function as a sling.
You've waited too long. Jiffy rams you to the ground and begins tearing you apart, tossing your organs aside until he finds and eats your heart.

You are dead! To see how many points you scored, please order the registered version! Only $9.99!
Would you like to restore from the last save (Aug24_04b.sav)?
Y/N

>_

[Pub Lover]

Y

(Holy fuck, Service Pack Two has made it so I can't have single letter posts. >: )

[FS]

Restoring from Aug24_04b.sav

...............

You are outside the massive, green pyramid. To the South is a portal leading in. The dead body of the guard lies on the ground.
Exits are North, South.

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A pink feather.
A y-shaped branch.
A guard's sword.

>_

[Anonymous]

enter portal
cover eyes

[Carnivore]

Greet Jiffy by name before he introduces himself, thus confusing him.

Offer him the sea urchin, say it is a delicacy from... Japan or something.

If he refuses, throw friggin' dirt in his eyes and stab him in the tattoo with the sword!

[Ftang Ftang Olay OLay]

show jiffy the sword and tell him your a guard on patrol

[FS]

I'm going to break character for a second to explain a few changes here.
1) as per Chojin's advice, I'm going to include (in white) the replies I'm actually responding to.
2) if there's 2-3 actions already posted without me replying, wait. I can't respond to your actions if the character's already been killed by Jiffy five times.
3) this of course goes without saying, but if, after 300 replies, you think it still amuses anyone to reply with "rape guard" or something equally hilarious, go fuck yourself - somewhere else - you can forget about me treating you seriously anymore in this thread and I'll possibly play gay dungeon master and ask a mod to just delete your replies.
4) I assume a lot of you have never played text adventures. Since I don't want to type "I don't know what ___ is" a hundred times anymore, try to take a clue from previous replies. So instead of making up actions like "flagellate the diaphragm" or applying items you don't have, stick to logic. I'm going to just ignore anything that would make the average text adventure ask you what the fuck you're talking about too.
5) I'm just trying to make a moderately amusing thread without too much effort or getting too serious. Just accept that this thread isn't yet another chance to prove your comedic skills, nor is it the "confound FS with crazy actions and see what he makes of them" thread. That way I won't have to get all huffy or give this thread up, which is how I like it.

[FS]

enter portal

You enter the portal...
You arrive in the central chamber of the Temple of Toenails. In the center, directly below the pyramid's apex, stands a pedestal with on it... the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust!
Suddenly, in a flash of starlight, a giant mass of skin and horns materializes in the chamber. As it stretches out, opens its gaping maw and roars, you notice a hear-shaped tattoo in the middle of its chest.
"I am Jiffy the Fierce!!" the creature growls. "You have about three seconds to get the hell out of here before I crush and subsequently eat you!"
Exits are North.

cover eyes

You place your hands over your eyes, blocking your view from Jiffy. If you can't see him, he can't see you, right? R...
You hear Jiffy stalking about nearby.
"You now have two seconds!" says he.

>_

That's all for now. Keep in mind that in text adventures, long run-on sentences do not work.

[Black Flag]

hint

(i'm a cheater)

[ThisIsWitty]

Show Jiffy Inventory

[Black Flag]

thisiswitty, didn't you already get yelled at like 3 times for making that exact command?

[kellychaos]

Show Jiffy ThisIsWitty.

[ThisIsWitty]

<me> Flash Jiffy.

Just kidding, ha ha.
>:

[ernasty10050]

dude youre not funny

never come back to this thread.

[Supafly345]

listen for jiffy's location

[FS]

hint

Sorry, you can't get a hint so soon after your last one!

listen for jiffy's location

Sounds like Jiffy is still stomping around between you and the pedestal.
"You now have one second!" says he.

>_

[James]

Just taking a shot in the dark, here.

Restore
Enter Portal
Drop urchin out of blanket onto floor
Hit urchin with stick at Jiffy
Stab Jiffy with sword

[FS]

Restore

Restoring from Aug24_04b.sav

...............

You are outside the massive, green pyramid. To the South is a portal leading in. The dead body of the guard lies on the ground.
Exits are North, South.

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A pink feather.
A y-shaped branch.
A guard's sword.

Enter Portal

You enter the portal...
You arrive in the central chamber of the Temple of Toenails. In the center, directly below the pyramid's apex, stands a pedestal with on it... the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust!
Suddenly, in a flash of starlight, a giant mass of skin and horns materializes in the chamber. As it stretches out, opens its gaping maw and roars, you notice a hear-shaped tattoo in the middle of its chest.
"I am Jiffy the Fierce!!" the creature growls. "You have about three seconds to get the hell out of here before I crush and subsequently eat you!"
Exits are North.

Drop urchin out of blanket onto floor

The floor is mostly dirt. It'll get stuck if you drop it here.
"You now have two seconds!" says he.

Hit urchin with stick at Jiffy

You won't get enough momentum for that... you'll need to find a different way of propelling it at him.
"You now have one second!" says he.


Stab Jiffy with sword

You try to hit Jiffy in the chest, but he blocks your attack with his claws.
"Time's up!" says he, and charges towards you.

>_

[Supafly345]

hold urchin with stick up at Jiffy as he approaches

[ThisIsWitty]

Jab dowsing rod into dirt floor. Place urchin on the '\/' part of the rod.

Hold sword like a bat and swing, hitting the urchin as hard as possible at Jiffy.

Stab Jiffy in tatoo as he is occupied with the urchin.

[Anonymous]

restore (or Y if you fags have already killed yourself again)
enter portal
wrap tape on stick
put urchin in sling
fire sling at jiffy

[FS]

hold urchin with stick up at Jiffy as he approaches

The urchin won't stay on the stick in its current form.
You've waited too long. Jiffy rams you to the ground and begins tearing you apart, tossing your organs aside until he finds and eats your heart.

You are dead! To see how many points you scored, please order the registered version! Only $9.99!
Would you like to restore from the last save (Aug24_04b.sav)?
Y/N

Y

Restoring from Aug24_04b.sav

...............

You are outside the massive, green pyramid. To the South is a portal leading in. The dead body of the guard lies on the ground.
Exits are North, South.

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A pink feather.
A y-shaped branch.
A guard's sword.

enter portal

You enter the portal...
You arrive in the central chamber of the Temple of Toenails. In the center, directly below the pyramid's apex, stands a pedestal with on it... the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust!
Suddenly, in a flash of starlight, a giant mass of skin and horns materializes in the chamber. As it stretches out, opens its gaping maw and roars, you notice a hear-shaped tattoo in the middle of its chest.
"I am Jiffy the Fierce!!" the creature growls. "You have about three seconds to get the hell out of here before I crush and subsequently eat you!"
Exits are North.

wrap tape on stick

The tape isn't flexible enough to work as a slingshot.
"You now have two seconds!" says he.

put urchin in sling

You don't have a sling.
"You now have one second!" says he.

fire sling at jiffy

You don't have a sling.
"Time's up!" says he, and charges towards you.

>_

[Anonymous]

restore
enter portal
tape urchin to stick

[ernasty10050]

this is so impossible.

[Anonymous]

YEAH I TOTALLY HATE IT WHEN THINGS ARE DIFFICULT I WISH HE'D JUST GIVE US TWO CHOICES AND THEN WE'D PICK AND IF WE DIED WE COULD GO BACK AND PICK THE OTHER ONE ><;;

[FS]

restore

Restoring from Aug24_04b.sav

...............

You are outside the massive, green pyramid. To the South is a portal leading in. The dead body of the guard lies on the ground.
Exits are North, South.

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A pink feather.
A y-shaped branch.
A guard's sword.

enter portal

You enter the portal...
You arrive in the central chamber of the Temple of Toenails. In the center, directly below the pyramid's apex, stands a pedestal with on it... the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust!
Suddenly, in a flash of starlight, a giant mass of skin and horns materializes in the chamber. As it stretches out, opens its gaping maw and roars, you notice a hear-shaped tattoo in the middle of its chest.
"I am Jiffy the Fierce!!" the creature growls. "You have about three seconds to get the hell out of here before I crush and subsequently eat you!"
Exits are North.

tape urchin to stick

This crummy tape won't stick to the wood or the urchin. It's just useless office tape.
"You now have two seconds!" says he.

>_

[Supafly345]

Stab stick through urchin

[FS]

Stab stick through urchin

It might not be wise to kill the urchin right now. His poison would dry up. In time.
"You now have one second!" says he.

>_

[The_Rorschach]

Save.

Stab the tattoo with the guards sword.

[camacazio]

If it hasn't been tried yet I'd like to tickle him with the pink feather.

Edit: read as: Tickle Jiffy with Pink Feather

[James]

Exit portal
Save
Enter portal
Drop urchin out of blanket into the Y of the stick (you know what I mean)
Use stick to throw urchin


If that doesn't work:

Restore
Enter portal
Wait
Wait
Wait
Hold up sword

[executioneer]

(if that does no work)
restore
north
north
ask man about jiffy

[Supafly345]

(Someone try batting the urchin at jiffy with the stick)

[King Hadas]

give bored man tape

[the_dudefather]

damn you jiffy! for a guard with a name that sounds like a cleaning product you think it would be easier to defeat. lol

time to check gamefaqs.com for fs' forum text adventure :)

[FS]

Save.

Your game was saved as Aug29_04.sav

Stab the tattoo with the guards sword.

You try to hit Jiffy in the chest, but he blocks your attack with his claws.
"Time's up!" says he, and charges towards you.

Tickle Jiffy with Pink Feather

Jiffy's skin is hard and horned and doesn't even register the tickling.
You've waited too long. Jiffy rams you to the ground and begins tearing you apart, tossing your organs aside until he finds and eats your heart.

You are dead! To see how many points you scored, please order the registered version! Only $9.99!
Would you like to restore from the last save (Aug29_04.sav)?
Y/N

Restore

Restoring from Aug29_04.sav

...............

You are in the central chamber of the Temple of Toenails. In the center, directly below the pyramid's apex, stands a pedestal with on it the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust.
A giant mass of skin and horns, known as Jiffy the Fierce, stands between you and the pedestal.
You have one second before he'll attack you.
Exits are North.

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A pink feather.
A y-shaped branch.
A guard's sword.


Enter portal

You are already in the Temple. You can now only Leave, Exit, or go North.

Wait

Time passes...
"Time's up!" says he, and charges towards you.


Wait

Time passes...
You've waited too long. Jiffy rams you to the ground and begins tearing you apart, tossing your organs aside until he finds and eats your heart.

You are dead! To see how many points you scored, please order the registered version! Only $9.99!
Would you like to restore from the last save (Aug29_04.sav)?
Y/N

Wait

You are dead! You can only restore a game, or start over!
Would you like to restore / restart?

Hold up sword

You are dead! You can only restore a game, or start over!
Would you like to restore / restart?

restore

Restoring from Aug29_04.sav

...............

You are in the central chamber of the Temple of Toenails. In the center, directly below the pyramid's apex, stands a pedestal with on it the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust.
A giant mass of skin and horns, known as Jiffy the Fierce, stands between you and the pedestal.
You have one second before he'll attack you.
Exits are North.

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A pink feather.
A y-shaped branch.
A guard's sword.


north

You are outside the green pyramid. To the South is a portal leading in.
Exits are North, South.

north

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

ask man about jiffy

You don't see man.

give bored man tape

You don't see bored man.

>_

Yeah, sorry for everyone's actions getting messed up. But I couldn't ignore the fact that Ror saved inside the temple.

[James]

Win game

[Anonymous]

north
ask man about jiffy

[FS]

north

You are in the town hall. There's a horrible stench here which you can barely stand, emanating from a rotting cat corpse lying on the floor. There is a bored-looking man sitting at a desk.
Exits are South.


ask man about jiffy

"Jiffy the Fierce? Well, I don't know much about him, since no one's allowed in the temple. Legends claim he's only got one unprotected spot on his body. But he's not stupid enough to just stand there and let you stab him."
The bored man starts trying to tie up rolls of paperwork for storage, but it keeps slipping loose. "Aagh! Rubber bands!" he cries out in frustration.

>_

[ArrowX]

Order Registered version

[Mr. Oysterhead]

Trade tape for rubber bands.

[Supafly345]

Steal rubber bands

[EisigerBiskuit]

(Supposing we have the rubber bands now)
Wrap rubber bands to y-shaped stick
S
S
S
Fire Urchin at Jiffy with Rubber Band Sling

[Matt Harty]

I salute FS for having the greatest postcount gain idea ever.

[FS]

Trade tape for rubber bands.

I don't know what Trade is.

Steal rubber bands

"Hey, get your own!" the bored man says.

>_

[Father §p@z]

Inventory
Kill Man with sword
Take rubber bands
Take cat

[FS]

Inventory

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A pink feather.
A y-shaped branch.
A guard's sword.

Kill Man with sword

You have no good reason to kill this person.

Take rubber bands

"Hey, get your own!" the bored man says.

Take cat

No. Now that it's free from the jar it stinks more than ever. You don't want it.

>_

[Anonymous]

give tape to man

[FS]

give tape to man

You offer the tape to the man. "Hmmm. That might work." he mutters under his breath, and starts taping together the papers. "Yeah!" he exclaims, suddenly cheerful. "Here, you take this!" he tosses you the rubber band he was fiddling around with.
You now have the rubber band.

>_

[Anonymous]

tie band to stick

[FS]

tie band to stick

You tie the rubber band around the stick, and yes, you now have a slingshot.

>_

[Anonymous]

south
south
enter portal
load urchin in slingshot
fire slingshot at jiffy
stab tattoo with sword

[Father §p@z]

I wonder what the feather's for?

[FS]

south

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

south

You are outside the green pyramid. To the South is a portal leading in.
Exits are North, South.

enter portal

You are inside the Temple of Toenails. In the center stands a pedestal with the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust.
Jiffy the Fierce stands before it.
"I am Jiffy the Fierce!!" the creature growls. "You have about three seconds to get the hell out of here before I crush and subsequently eat you!"
Jiffy seems to have short-term memory problems.
Exits are North.

load urchin in slingshot

You -very carefully- drop the sea urchin from the blanket into the sling.
"You now have two seconds!" says Jiffy.

fire slingshot at jiffy

You fire the sea urchin at Jiffy and hit him square in the ugly face. The urchin's pins pierce even his tough hide, and pump him full of venom. A moment later, Jiffy keels over and drops to the floor with a thump. No telling how long the venom will keep him down, so you'd better hurry.

stab tattoo with sword

You stand over Jiffy, kicking away his arms to expose his heart tattoo, and you ram the guard's sword home. Jiffy howls, shakes for a moment, and explodes in a rain of sparks. The sword melts away in your hand. You feel triumphant.

>_

[ThisIsWitty]

Take Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust.

[ernasty10050]

THANK YOU CHOJIN
we were stuck on mr. jiffy for like two weeks

[Anonymous]

take bowl

[ThisIsWitty]

I just said that...


Exit

[FS]

take bowl

You step up to the pedestal.
This is it. The object of your quest. You have fullfilled it, and now it's yours... the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust. What the hell does that name mean, anyway? French Trust? Did the French put it here to make people trust them? If you carry this, will French people always take your word for it? Ah, who cares. You take up the Fingerbowl, glinting gold in the Temple's light, and feel new powers course through your veins. It feels so right. You WIN.

You walk outside, your beautiful dress now a filthy rag on your quivering body, and the people come from their houses to cheer you. You are lifted up on their shoulders and led on a parade, all in honor of your courage.

But this is not where it ends. What about the vision the three women told you of? What other paths await you in the future? What new quests? Only time will tell...

Congratulations, you won! You scored 250 / 255 points. Please order the registered version, and keep an eye out for our latest releases, such as Suxxor, Super Railway Conductor, and Quest for Bauxite.

The End

Programming by
Jeifahtsu Bubblebear
Y. X. R. Kendlefenner (mrs.)
Biff Jiffy

Graphical interface by
Captain Conundrum

Script by
Schwecker Fintz
and
Reynard P.

And as a player,
it's you!!!

>_

[the_dudefather]

YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

great game, when is the sequel out?

[Father §p@z]

I'll do the sequil. It probably won't be as cool as Fat Satan's, seeing as he is WAY COOLER THAN ME :( but I'll try to make it funny :)

[Anonymous]

WELCOME TO THREAD BACKUPS GUYS