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[FS]

THE SACRED RULES OF THIS THREAD - HEED OR DIE

1) as per Chojin's advice, I'm going to include (in white) the replies I'm actually responding to.
2) if there's 2-3 actions already posted without me replying, wait. I can't respond to your actions if the character's already been killed by Jiffy five times.
3) this of course goes without saying, but if, after 300 replies, you think it still amuses anyone to reply with "rape guard" or something equally hilarious, go fuck yourself - somewhere else - you can forget about me treating you seriously anymore in this thread and I'll possibly play gay dungeon master and ask a mod to just delete your replies.
4) I assume a lot of you have never played text adventures. Since I don't want to type "I don't know what ___ is" a hundred times anymore, try to take a clue from previous replies. So instead of making up actions like "flagellate the diaphragm" or applying items you don't have, stick to logic. I'm going to just ignore anything that would make the average text adventure ask you what the fuck you're talking about too.
5) I'm just trying to make a moderately amusing thread without too much effort or getting too serious. Just accept that this thread isn't yet another chance to prove your comedic skills, nor is it the "confound FS with crazy actions and see what he makes of them" thread. That way I won't have to get all huffy or give this thread up, which is how I like it.

With a scream, you wake from a nightmare you can't remember. Slowly, your eyes adjust to the darkness, and you realize you're lying on a patched-up blanket on a cold floor of stone. The walls are covered with sickly green moss, and there is a strange odor in the air, like the cage of a wild animal. It takes you a couple of seconds to realize you're wearing a pink dress.
You see a shiny trumpet.
Exits are North, West.

>_

[mubert]

Pick up moss
Pick up Trumpet
Load moss into trumpet
Blow moss at FS for making a faggy text adventure.

[FS]

You scratch at the moss to no avail. You now have dirty fingernails.

You now have the trumpet.

Savegame moss into trumpet not found.

I don't know what blow is. Also fuck off.

>_

[Dole]

smear defecate

on mubert

repeat

[FS]

I don't know what smear is.

Mubert sucks.

Mubert sucks.

>_

[executioneer]

With a scream, you wake from a nightmare you can't remember. Slowly, your eyes adjust to the darkness, and you realize you're lying on a patched-up blanket on a cold floor of stone. The walls are covered with sickly green moss, and there is a strange odor in the air, like the cage of a wild animal. It takes you a couple of seconds to realize you're wearing a pink dress.
You see a shiny trumpet.
Exits are North, West.

>_

take blanket, trumpet. west

[FS]

You already have the trumpet.

You now have the blanket.

You are in a massive abandoned ballroom. It looks like there was a big party. In the corners all the chairs have been put upside down on the tables, and the bar is closed. To the west, an old man sits slumped in a chair, snoring loudly. Next to him is a heavy-looking door with a padlock.
You see a poisoned sea urchin.
Exits are east.

>_

[executioneer]

wrap urchin in blanket. take urchin. play trumpet

[FS]

You now have the poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.

You play the trumpet and the old man jumps up and starts muttering angrily. He looks at you, notices your dress and stands up. "Yeah yeah, I know the drill." he says, extracts a massive keyring from his pocket, and unlocks the door. "Oh, and you look like you could use this." he goes on, and hands you a roll of duct tape. Finally, he sits down and goes to sleep again.

You are in the ballroom
Exits are East, West.

>_

[Zhukov]

Search ball room for half finished drinks.

Have a wank.

[kellychaos]

Duct tape snoring man to chair in a fashion that allows for anal sex.

[sports]

Heads into unlocked room with ducktape.

[FS]

You search the ballroom but find nothing.

There is no a wank here.

You can't duct tape that.

I don't know what heads is.

>_

[AChimp]

inventory

[FS]

You are carrying:
A shiny trumpet
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket
A roll of duct tape

>_

[Anonymous]

Carefully place the poisionous sea urchin in the trumpet to create a poor man's blowdart gun.

[AChimp]

score

[ScruU2wice]

go to east exit

[FS]

I don't know what Carefully is.

To see your score, please order the registered version!

You are back in the hall. The walls are covered with sickly green moss, and there is a strange odor in the air, like the cage of a wild animal.
Exits are North, West.

>_

[AChimp]

lick moss

[Esuohlim]

order registered version

[Mockery]

Feed green moss to poisonous sea urchin.

[ScruU2wice]

alt+ctrl+dlt

[sports]

head ( go to ) north.

[Anonymous]

Save

Call the Grue a fucktard and laugh out loud

[FS]

You lick the moss. It tastes like untreated rectal warts. Wait. How do you know what those taste like?

Order the registered version! Only $9.99! If you have an active internet connection, enter your coupon number now!

You don't have green moss.

I don't know what alt+ctrl+dlt is.

You reach a dead end. Someone scribbled "order the registered version" on the wall here.
Exits are South.

Your game was saved as save001.sav

You don't see a the Grue a fucktard and laugh out loud.

>_

[Anonymous]

Enter coupon number

Search the wall for a secret passage

[Mockery]

walk to green moss
get green moss
feed green moss to poisonous sea urchin.

[Perndog]

S, W, W

[da blob]

POWER OUTAGE

[FS]

To receive your coupon number, please order the registered version! Only $9.99!

You tap and press every damn brick in the wall to see if it's a secret button, with no success. Now your fingers are dirty AND sore. You suppress a sob.

You can't go that way. You can only go South.

You scratch at the moss to no avail... again. One of your nails breaks. You feel like crying.

You don't have green moss.

The poisonous sea urchin squeals, and goes to sleep.

You are back in the hall. The walls are covered with sickly green moss, and there is a strange odor in the air, like the cage of a wild animal.
Exits are North, West.

You are back in the abandoned ballroom. To the west, an old man sits slumped in a chair, snoring loudly. Next to him is a heavy-looking door with an open padlock.
Exits are East, West.

You pass through the door and find yourself in a massive kitchen. There are three women with feathers on their heads sitting around a table. On the table is a crystal ball.
You see a jar of peanut butter.
Exits are East, South.

I don't know what POWER is.

>_

[AChimp]

hello, sailor

examine women

[Anonymous]

Naughty Mode

examine women

[Esuohlim]

smear women with peanut butter

lick women

[FS]

The women look at you coldly, but give no reply.

You approach the women and look at them closely. They appear to be identical triplets. Their dresses appear to be the exact same type as the one you are wearing. The one closest to you slaps you in the face. "Stop looking at me like that, pervert!" she says.

I don't know what Naughty is.

You try to look at the women more closely, but they all threateningly raise their hands. The one closest to you points to the one empty chair at the table.

You don't have peanut butter.

The women seem to be growing increasingly angry with your attempts to get close to them. One of them stands up from her seat.

>_

[Anonymous]

Save

Take peanut butter

Remove my dress

Put peanut butter all over my body

Play Trumpet

[FS]

Your game was saved as save002.sav

You now have the peanut butter.

But you'll be naked!

You can't put the peanut butter there.

You play the trumpet. The sound echoes through the kitchen and seems to upset the women even more. The one in the middle stands up.

>_

[ThisIsWitty]

Take crystal ball.

Smash it over woman's head.

Eat woman.

[AChimp]

undo

undo

undo

>:

[ThisIsWitty]

Fine. >:


Sit in forth chair.

[Perndog]

examine crystal

[Seven Force]

Take crystal ball.

Smash it over woman's head.

Eat woman.

What he said.

[ArrowX]

hop on table and dance like a maniac

brain old man with trumpet

go play a game with graphics

[FS]

You can't take the crystal ball, it's firmly attached to the table.

Smash WHAT?

You don't have woman.

You sit down in the chair.
The woman in the middle sits down again.
The woman closest to you sits down again.
The three women start making strange gestures at the crystal ball. The light around you seems to dim, while the ball begins to glow of its own accord. Deep inside, you see misty clouds revolving around each other. "You may ask each of us a question, and then your quest begins." the first woman says.

You look closely at the crystal ball. It looks as if there's a small figure walking around in there... wait! It's you! And you're not wearing a dress anymore... now, you're wearing garden pants over a velvet shirt and a leather biker hat.
The women look at you anxiously.

I don't know what What is.

You can't jump while you're sitting down.

I don't know what brain is.

You can't go that way. You can only go East, South.

>_

[Seven Force]

Charge buster cannon, blast crystal ball.

[FS]

I don't know what Charge is.

>_

[ThisIsWitty]

Who the fuck are you three broads?

What the fuck happened?

Where the fuck am I going in the future?

[AChimp]

undo

undo

undo

ban ThisIsWitty

[James]

Go directly to Jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.

[mubert]

take diet squirt
drink diet squirt
put diet squirt on woman's head

[ThisIsWitty]

Who the fuck are you three broads?

What the fuck happened?

Where the fuck am I going in the future?


Once again.

Fuck you, AChimp.

[AChimp]

ignore mubert, thisiswitty, sevenforceintheusa and arrowx

[ThisIsWitty]

I'm a vital part to this story, goddamnit. >:

[FS]

Profanity will get you nowhere!

Profanity will get you nowhere!

Profanity will get you nowhere!

You can't go that way. You can only go East, South.

You don't see diet squirt.

You don't have diet squirt.

You don't have diet squirt.

Ignoring mubert, thisiswitty, sevenforceintheusa and arrowx.

One of the women starts tapping her fingers on the table in anticipation.

>_

[King Hadas]

Will their ever be a City Slickers 3?

[Mad Melvin]

Talk to women.

[James]

Who are you?
What am I doing here?
Any of you girls over 18?

[ArrowX]

Stand up

Dance

Punch woman on the left in the eye

Go find a blugeon and hit the crystal ball

Ask where the shitter is

[Perndog]

restore save002

[mubert]

Aww shucks, now I cant play :(

[Helm]

You don't have woman.

Yeah, that's pretty much it for most of these boards.

One of the women starts tapping her fingers on the table in anticipation.

>_

Ask woman about woman, all

[ScruU2wice]

ask woman "what is the first 10 digit prime found in the consecutive digits of e?"

[Anonymous]

I don't know what City Slickers 3 is.

You attempt to make small talk with the women, but they're uninterested in your petty comments. "Ask us your questions NOW!" one of them remarks.

"Who we are is unimportant, that's one question, you may ask two more." the first woman says.

"You are here to complete your quest and fulfill your destiny, that's two questions, you may ask one more." the second woman says.

"Yes, but we are all lesbians and are not attracted to men, not even one wearing a dress, that's three questions, you may ask no more." the third woman says. At this point all three women turn into solid gold statues, and garden pants, a velvet shirt and a leather biker hat suddenly materialize on the table before you. Exits are East, South.

Ignoring ArrowX.

Save002 corrupted. Restore failed.

Ignoring mubert.

That sentence isn't one I recognize.

You ask another question, but none of the solid gold statues of the women respond.

You ask another question, but none of the solid gold statues of the women respond.

>_

[Helm]

Mad max, shut the fuck up. This is FS's thread.

[FS]

:rolleyes

Reboot complete. Hit any key to continue.
Restoring from last session.

The women don't understand your question.

"Hi there!" you tell the women. They don't respond.

"We are witches. Don't ask us which witch is which." the woman closest to you answers.

"You are here because you're wearing the dress. You must recover the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust." the woman in the middle answers.

The women don't understand your question.

Savegame save002 not found.

I don't know what Yeah, is.

The women don't understand your question.

The women don't understand your question.

>_

[Helm]

>Punch woman
>Punch woman

[FS]

You take a swing at the woman closest to you.
You miss the woman!
The women all rise from their chairs, threateningly.

You take a swing at the woman closest to you.
You miss the woman!
Baring their teeth, the women raise their hands. You suddenly feel cold, and can smell ozone in the air. They bring their hands down and you scream as your innards are ground up and rearranged. Your skeleton shatters and begins tearing itself through your skin as if the shards of bone are trying to escape your flesh. Finally, your tongue becomes possessed and crawls down into your throat. You die, kicking and bleeding and drowning.

You are dead! To see how many points you scored, please order the registered version! Only $9.99!
Would you like to restore from the last save (Aug14_04.sav)?
Y/N

>_

[Captain Goodtimes]

N

Im done with the fartin mowler simulator

[mubert]

say newgame, cause i cant, cause im ignored, cause achimp likes seeing me suffer.

[Helm]

VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE SOLUTION, KIDS!

[sports]

Yes

[Tropical]

Inventory

concise summary of the 3 pages of crap

[FS]

You are dead! You can only restore a game, or start over!
Would you like to restore / restart?

>_

[Anonymous]

restore

block chojin from ignore
ignore all
allow executioneer
allow achimp
allow helm
allow mockery
allow james
allow mew barios

(Can you add the commands received in white, FS?)

[ScruU2wice]

Play stairway to heaven

[James]

Give James registered version. James must play this game for himself.

Give James hosting. Villagephotos sucks.

[FS]

Restoring from Aug14_04.sav

...............

Automatic overview

You are in a massive kitchen. There are three women with feathers on their heads sitting around a table. On the table is a crystal ball.
You are sitting at the table.
You have 3 questions left.
Exits are East, South.

You are carrying:
A shiny trumpet.
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A jar of peanut butter.

Ignoring all people trying to be funny by fucking up the game.

You don't have stairway to heaven.

You don't see James.

You don't see James.

>_

[Captain Goodtimes]

open jar

[Anonymous]

Dip poisonous sea urchin into the peanut butter.

[sports]

Throw poisonus sea urchin wrapped in blanket at 3 women.

[ArrowX]

trick women into trading their crystal ball with poison sea urchin wrapped in blanket.

[Perndog]

What is my quest?

[bigtimecow]

QUEST 64

[King Hadas]

What happened last night?

[Evil Robot]

caulk the wagon and float it across.

[sports]

Wrong game..and that game you speak of is like 8 yrs old.

[Big Papa Goat]

what the shit?

[Evil Robot]

jed has typhoid

[ArrowX]

Ask "What is my quest?"

[Sethomas]

Sports, Ultima is well over eight years old, and Oregon Trail is probably older than you. I'd like for you to express a coherent thought JUST ONCE that doesn't prove what a simple, boring, tasteless specimen you are.

[Matt Harty]

i am so sorry i missed this game

[Perndog]

Who was talking about Ultima? Did I miss a reference somewhere?

[ScruU2wice]

ask three ladies what is the funniest thing to do with

A shiny trumpet.
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A jar of peanut butter.

[Sethomas]

I'm not "up to date" with all these "gaming sensations", so I simply associated Mr. Satan's style of gaming with Ultima IV, a cd-rom game I was given aroud eleven years ago and couldn't beat because I wasn't given the accompanying literature. If I erred, I have no shame for having not dedicated enough of my life to these esoteric gaming systems.

[Ninjavenom]

I remember Ultima being on the NES, though i have no idea if it was a port or not.

[Perndog]

I don't know if "up to date" and text adventure games belong in the same discussion...but we'll just leave it at that.

Patiently waiting to find out what the quest is so we can get on with it.

[Anonymous]

I'd like for you to express a coherent thought JUST ONCE that doesn't prove what a simple, boring, tasteless specimen you are.

Irony :rolleyes

Shit, you're a fucking carbon copy of sports who just throws around few extra "big words" in your bullshit. Words that you have no idea what they mean, but they sounded important when you first heard them in class. :lol

I'm not "up to date" with all these "gaming sensations"

Right. :rolleyes That's why you hang out on a board that's practically a haven for gaming geeks and all things "retro". Christ, you talk so much bullshit, your fucking breath must smell like a goddamn farmer's outhouse that hasn't been cleaned in 2 years. :lol

I was given aroud eleven years ago
You misspelled a word Brainiac. I guess you missed that class. :lol

If I erred, I have no shame for having not dedicated enough of my life to these esoteric gaming systems.

Like I said, its good to know what the fuck the "big words" mean before using them in a fucking sentence. Esoteric is hardly an appropriate word for what you're attempting to use it for, and its just more of your bullshit anyway.

Then again maybe not, you were probably spending much of your time in a padded cell with mittens tied to your hands so you wouldn't have another "sad self-destruct episode". :lol

But anyway back to the game... :lol

[Helm]

Yeah, thanks for killing this thread, Mad Max.

[FS]

You open the jar of peanut butter. A horrible stench penetrates your nostrils. It looks like someone crammed a decapitated kitten into the jar.

I don't know what Dip is.

"You are here because you're wearing the dress. You must recover the Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust." the woman closest to you answers.

"You were whisked away from your civilian life to champion the cause of the innocent. Then we put a dress on you because it'd look funny." the woman in the middle answers.

The women don't understand your question.

The women don't understand your question.

>_

[Zhukov]

Ask the old ladies if they would like some peanut butter. Fuck the fingerbowl.

[ernasty10050]

i think you can leave that place now, so






Leave room.

[Sethomas]

Pretty weak, Max. Pretty damn weak.

[FS]

The women don't understand your question.

You are in the massive kitchen.
Exits are East, South.

>_

[James]

Re-renter room.

Ask "Where is the finger bowl?"

Take kitten out of peanut butter jar.

[ScruU2wice]

aquire garden pants, a velvet shirt and a leather biker hat that suddenly materialize on the table before you

[FS]

You are in the massive kitchen.
Exits are East, South.

"The Sacred Fingerbowl of French Trust is guarded by Jiffy the Fierce in the Temple of Toenails." the woman farthest from you answers.

"We have answered your questions." the women say together. "Now you must begin your quest. Go into the travel room." They point at the doorway to the South.
The light of the crystal ball suddenly flares up. When the light dims, you find that the women are gone!
You see a feather.

You don't want to get your hand in there! The kitten stinks terribly.

I don't know what aquire is.

>_

[James]

SruU, that was Mad Max's gayness.

Take feather.

Go to travel room.

[FS]

You now have the feather.

You enter a room that appears to be hollowed out from the living rock. There is nothing here, and you're starting to wonder what you're supposed to do.
Suddenly, the room around you begins to spin like a whirlwind. Flashing lights, strange sounds and smells crowd you. Then, as quickly as it started, the spinning ends.
You find yourself in a misty, empty town square. Before you is the town hall. The clock tower tells you that it's five past twelve.
You realize you lost your shiny trumpet!
Exits are North, East, South and West.

>_

[Anonymous]

Examine feather.

Save.

North.

[kellychaos]

Orientation?

[ScruU2wice]

SruU, that was Mad Max's gayness.


:( :( :(

I thought thats the stuff that appears on the table after the 3 chics turn in to gold.

[ScruU2wice]

go north

[ScruU2wice]

edit: :(

[FS]

The feather is hot pink. It must've come from a huge bird. It smells of perfume. Hopefully no one will see you with it.

Your game was saved as save003.sav

You head North into the town hall. Everywhere around you, people are frantically running about with paperwork. The only one apparently not busy is a bored-looking man sitting at a desk.
Exits are South.

>_

[kellychaos]

Give feather to bored man.

[James]

Talk to man
Complain to man about the unfunny faggots who think they're cool by trying to be witty and fuck up the game.

[Anonymous]

Tickle man with feather.

[FS]

The bored man doesn't want it.

"Good day!" you yell, trying to make yourself heard over the noise surrounding you. "Could you help me out?"
The bored man looks up and cups his hand over his ear, trying to hear what you're saying. It's too crowded in here.

Do you have a complaint? Contact our helpdesk at 555-STUCK!

The man doesn't laugh. How odd.

>_

[kellychaos]

Inventory.

[FS]

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A open jar of peanut butter with a rotting, decapitated cat in it.
A pink feather.

>_

[Anonymous]

South.

South.

[FS]

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are standing in front of a massive, green pyramid. There is a portal straight ahead of you. In front of it, standing between two huge torches, is a guard. A large sword is sheathed on his back, and he looks at you suspiciously.
Exits are North.

>_

[James]

North, East

[the[Hitman]]

make duct tape cord.

roll blanket up tightly without the urchin inside.

duct tape end of cord to blanket.

duct tape alternate end of cord to urchin.

use duct tape urchin flail +3 to attack guard.

[ernasty10050]

save.
then,
give blanket to guard

[Seven Force]

save
Walk up to guard and duct tape his nuts then rip it off.

[FreakinStrange]

talk to guard

[FS]

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are standing on a great cliff. Looking over the edge, you see the tops of clouds. It looks like an awfully long drop. There is a creepy, dead tree standing on the edge.
You see a fallen branch shaped like a dowsing rod.
Exits are East, West.

You play with the duct tape a little, not sure what you're trying to do, then put it back in your pocket.

The blanket is already rolled up.

You don't have end of cord.

You don't have alternate end of cord.

You don't have urchin duct tape flail +3 to attack guard.

Your game was saved as save004.sav

You don't see guard.

Your game was saved as save005.sav

You can't go that way. You can only go East, West.

You don't see guard.

>_

[Ninjavenom]

Go west.

[FS]

EASTER EGG!
http://www.petshopboys.net/images/video/go_west_001.jpg

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

>_

[FreakinStrange]

go east

take fallen branch

[Anonymous]

Examine branch.

[FS]

You are standing on a great cliff with a dead tree.
You see a fallen branch shaped like a dowsing rod.
Exits are East, West.

You now have the branch.

The branch is a perfect Y-shaped stick. A strange, symmetrical freak of nature. It looks sturdy.

>_

[James]

EAST >:

[FS]

You walk right off the cliff and make a spectacular fall. After about 200 feet, you come to a crashing halt on a field of jagged rocks. You are very, very, very dead.

You are dead! To see how many points you scored, please order the registered version! Only $9.99!
Would you like to restore from the last save (save005.sav)?
Y/N

>_

[James]

Y

Take branch

West

South

[FS]

Restoring from save004.sav

...............

You are standing on a great cliff. Looking over the edge, you see the tops of clouds. It looks like an awfully long drop. There is a creepy, dead tree standing on the edge.
You see a fallen branch shaped like a dowsing rod.
Exits are East, West.

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A open jar of peanut butter with a rotting, decapitated cat in it.
A pink feather.

You now have the branch.

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are at the green pyramid. A guard stands in front of the portal.
Exits are North.

>_

[liquidstatik]

Talk to guard

[Helm]

A lot can be deducted about the overal intelligence of the people that have posted in this thread from the rediculous results we've been getting.

[FS]

You attempt to approach the guard, but he draws his sword and brandishes it wildly.
"Go away!" he growls. "None may approach the Temple of Toenails!"

>_

[ScruU2wice]

north

west

[FS]

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You sneak into a dark alleyway. The end of it is fenced off. You can see something shiny behind the fence, beyond your reach.
Standing in the alleyway is a glow-in-the-dark hippopotamus that you can barely squeeze past.
Exits are East.

>_

[James]

Use feather on hippo.

Use duct tape on branch.

Use duct tape on branch to reach object past fence.

[Helm]

Hey, james. Use is not a term one would see in an interactive fiction game. How would you like to use something is what you write.

[James]

Well, I've not really had problems like that before. But if that's the case:

Tickle hippo with feather
Wrap duct tape around branch
Stick branch through fence to grab shiney object

[FS]

You tickle the hippo with the feather, and he suddenly springs to life. With a roaring honk, he bursts through the fence at the end of the alleyway and disappears running in the darkness.

The duct tape won't stick to the branch.

You don't need to do that to grab the shiny object.

>_

[James]

Look at shiny object
Take shiny object
Take (insert name of shiny object after finding out what it is by looking at it, in case "Take shiny object" does not work. Do not type this last option out just type it like you know I mean it to be taken)

[FS]

Upon closer examination you find that the shiny object is a slightly used yellow jawbreaker.

You now have the jawbreaker.

>_

[Captain Goodtimes]

Break jaw

[James]

East
North
Save

[FS]

You don't have jaw.

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are in the town hall. There are people noisily running about. There is a bored-looking man sitting at a desk.
Exits are South.

Your game was saved as save005.sav

>_

[Anonymous]

give jawbreaker to man

[FS]

You give the jawbreaker to the guard.
"Gee thanks!" he exclaims, putting it in his mouth. He starts distractedly sucking on it, occasionally trying in vain to crush it between his teeth.

>_

[Captain Goodtimes]

Explore Desk

[Anonymous]

I was in a room with a bored-looking man, not a guard.

[FS]

b5Q#I%BQ#5biq3j%BOI%J&I%J&B%Ij&bi%J&BinjV5kjioj%BTji&bij&bijbi&j|w&ib|jbk|l&jfkljbrij76BIRJ67nirej6|irjirj^ni|rjîrjîrnj^bf<j6kjf&a%ja()@#j#kjka#j5A#(%nja#$(%j#$%j(943JBfj(t$j%(a$w j%$ajwbj($w(^b$()ja&j&(ju6JBZW^jbW9J6BW$^jbw(^jbzlfzkoj(zr^z$(jbpj6$(j^b $owzôw$j^b(j$^bj$wpj^b(w$pj^B@$)(b()jb$ljb(wj()wj ^bla$jbkr(jb^)j$%b^j$()^bj$(j^b$()jb^lkrj6Bb^$(b^j $()bj^$wapjfj(rjA(jbjriojtb$(jbâ()$jblfjat^_arjBJ R^k$j^b$^bj$a)j^b()wj^bij^b$bâjrkJARBrb(jfpBJa$^( bj$b^kr^jabjrtj^ba($jb$^bj^bjrojbopI$^NHA$IBHÂI$H I^NVAFIJAFW#(V)(J@VJAW$J^V46vWJ^v46jv4io6jawi4

The bored man doesn't understand what you want to do. It's too noisy in here.

The bored man shoos you away from his desk.

>_

[Captain Goodtimes]

Shoo Back

[Anonymous]

s
s
give jawbreaker to guard

[FS]

>:

I don't know what Shoo is.

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are at the green pyramid. A guard stands in front of the portal.
Exits are North.

You give the jawbreaker to the guard.
"Gee thanks!" he exclaims, putting it in his mouth. He starts distractedly sucking on it, occasionally trying in vain to crush it between his teeth.

>_

[Anonymous]

save
enter portal

[FS]

Your game was saved as save006.sav

You attempt to approach the guard, but he draws his sword and brandishes it wildly.
"Go away!" he growls. "None may approach the Temple of Toenails!"
The guard is sucking on a jawbreaker.

>_

[Anonymous]

n
n
yell

[Matt Harty]

Is there 4 games going on at once now?

[FS]

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are in the town hall. There are people noisily running about. There is a bored-looking man sitting at a desk.
Exits are South.

You shout at the bored man, but he still can't understand you. There are too many people in here.

>_

[Anonymous]

look

[FS]

You are inside the town hall. Everywhere around you, people are frantically running about with paperwork. The only one apparently not busy is a bored-looking man sitting at a desk.
Exits are South.

>_

[Mockery]

save
save
save
save
save
eat desk

[Helm]

(pst chojin, poison the jawbreaker with the urchin somehow and then give the now lethal jawbreaker to guard.)

[Anonymous]

South.
South.

Tickle guard with feather.

(In the hope that his laughing will cause him to choke on the jawbreaker)

[FS]

Your game was saved as save007.sav

Your game was saved as save008.sav

Your game was saved as save009.sav

Your game was saved as save010.sav

Your game was saved as save011.sav

Your mouth is not big enough to eat that.

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are at the green pyramid. A guard stands in front of the portal.
Exits are North.

The guard won't let you get close enough to tickle him.

>_

[Matt Harty]

duct tape feather to stick

tickle guard from afar

[James]

Go to town hall
Open jar of peanut butter

[Mockery]

save
save
save
save
save
save
save
save
save
save
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save
spit on guard

[FS]

The duct tape won't stick to the branch.

The guard won't let you get close enough to tickle him.

You can't go that way. You can only go North.

The jar is already open, and barely containing the stench.

Your game was saved as save012.sav

Your game was saved as save013.sav

Your game was saved as save014.sav

Your game was saved as save015.sav

Your game was saved as save016.sav

Your game was saved as save017.sav

Your game was saved as save018.sav

Your game was saved as save019.sav

Your game was saved as save020.sav

Your game was saved as save021.sav

Your game was saved as save022.sav

Your game was saved as save023.sav

Your game was saved as save024.sav

Your game was saved as save025.sav

Your game was saved as save026.sav

Your game was saved as save027.sav

Your game was saved as save028.sav

Your game was saved as save029.sav

Your game was saved as save030.sav

Your game was saved as save031.sav

Your game was saved as save032.sav

Your game was saved as save033.sav

Your game was saved as save034.sav

Your game was saved as save035.sav

Your game was saved as save036.sav

Your game was saved as save037.sav

Your game was saved as save038.sav

Your game was saved as save039.sav

Your game was saved as save040.sav

Your game was saved as save041.sav

Your game was saved as save042.sav

Your game was saved as save043.sav

Your game was saved as save044.sav

Your game was saved as save045.sav

Your game was saved as save046.sav

Your game was saved as save047.sav

Your game was saved as save048.sav

Your game was saved as save049.sav

Your game was saved as save050.sav

Your game was saved as save051.sav

Your game was saved as save052.sav

Your game was saved as save053.sav

Your game was saved as save054.sav

Your game was saved as save055.sav

Your game was saved as save056.sav

You spit on the guard. He explodes in indignant outrage and chops your head off before you can say 'undo'!

You are dead! To see how many points you scored, please order the registered version! Only $9.99!
Would you like to restore from the last save (save056.sav)?
Y/N

>_

[Mockery]

Y
save
save
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sing to guard
bribe guard
kill guard

[Anonymous]

ignore mockery

[FreakinStrange]

assrape guard

[Anonymous]

ignore that guy, too

[FS]

Restoring from save056.sav

...............

You are standing in front of a massive, green pyramid. There is a portal straight ahead of you. In front of it, standing between two huge torches, is a guard. A large sword is sheathed on his back, and he looks at you suspiciously.
The guard is sucking on a jawbreaker.
Exits are North.

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A open jar of peanut butter with a rotting, decapitated cat in it.
A pink feather.
A y-shaped branch.

You cannot save anymore games because fuck you.

Your singing leaves the guard unmoved.

Bribe him with WHAT?

Kill him with WHAT?

>_

[James]

You cannot save anymore games because fuck you.

:lol

Take back jawbreaker
Give jar of peanut butter to guard
Show jar of peanut butter to guard

[FS]

The guard won't give it back.

He doesn't want it.

"Psh. What do I look like, a pencil pusher? I've smelled worse."

>_

[James]

Close jar of peanut butter.
North
East

[kellychaos]

Knock out guard. Exchange clothing.

[FS]

You try and put the lid back on the jar, but it won't fit. The cat's festering body has filled up with gas and is too bloated!

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are standing on a great cliff with a dead tree.
Exits are East, West.

>_

[James]

This game is too confusing with too many people trying to jump in and do things that they CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYMORE.

For example, you KNOW he's going to do the commands posted before yours, so you can't do things that contradict those commands. If I send the guy back to the cliff, the guard isn't fucking there, you stupid stupidheads. >:

If this is a real game, just give it to me so I can play it myself. :(

[James]

EAST

[Anonymous]

Undo east!

west.

north.

show jar of peanut butter to bored man.

[sports]

ignore mockery


Along with everybody else who is messing the game up. Now I can't save... >:

[FS]

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are in the town hall. There are people noisily running about. There is a bored-looking man sitting at a desk.
Exits are South.

The bored man is not very impressed. People walking around near you cough and squeeze their noses.

>_

[Matt Harty]

ASK MAN AT DESK WHY HE'S BORED :(

[James]

THE GUARD ISN'T BORED THE MAN AT THE DESK IS BORED

THE GUARD AND THE MAN AT THE DESK ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN TWO DIFFERENT AREAS

I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL

QUIT GAME

[Matt Harty]

CAUSE YOU FUCKING CONFUSED ME >:

[Anonymous]

THE GUARD ISN'T BORED THE MAN AT THE DESK IS BORED

THE GUARD AND THE MAN AT THE DESK ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN TWO DIFFERENT AREAS

No shit fucktard, you seem to be the only one who can't keep up. >:

Overwrite Save001.

Throw jar at desk.

(Hopefully it'll either be enough to impress the man, or release enough stench to clear the room)

[FS]

Your game was saved as save001.sav

The desk won't be hard enough to break it.

>_

[Perndog]

EDIT: oops

I'm guessing the jar is plastic and thus not easily breakable.

[Anonymous]

The desk won't be hard enough to break it.


What the fuck? Is the desk made out of oatmeal or something? :lol

Show jar to man at desk.

[he's a pencil pusher, unlike the guard...]

Yeah, I had that same idea Pern, but FS said the man wasn't impressed when I did that a few posts up. :/

Okay...


Place jar on desk.

Stab kitten in the jar with y-shaped branch.

(Thus releasing the smelly gas from its bloated body)

[Guitar Woman]

Throw sea urchin at bored man
Rape bored man

[Guitar Woman]

Throw sea urchin at bored man
Rape bored man

[ThisIsWitty]

Unignore me [Please, I'll play nice :) ]

Ignore Akira

Show bored man your entire inventory

[executioneer]

you've never played a text adventure in your life have you

[King Hadas]

Smell jar

[FS]

You try to put the jar on the desk, but the bored man won't let you.

You poke the cat with the stick. The smell becomes a little worse, but not enough to scare away the noisy crowd.

You can't show the bored man that.

The glass jar smells terrible. Luckily the way the cat is stuck in it keeps most of the smell from coming out.

>_

[James]

South

Look

West

[FS]

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are in a misty, empty town square. Before you is the town hall. The clock tower tells you that it's half past twelve.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are in a dark alleyway. Ahead of you lies a ruined fence. The end of the alleyway is cloaked in shadow.
Exits are East.

>_

[Guitar Woman]

Go to end of alley

[FS]

You don't have anything to light your way. Besides, you don't need to go there. Nothing that way but hippopotamus rampage detritus and getting lost.

>_

[James]

Use dowsing rod to find water.

[Anonymous]

pry cat from jar

[FS]

You walk around for a while with the branch in your hands, trying to see if it finds water, with no success. Considering that this town has a sewer, you're pretty sure the branch doesn't work as a dowsing rod.

The cat's body is bloated and completely stuck in the jar. Only brute force or a hard drop will get this kitty out.

>_

[King Hadas]

North

East

Drop jar of cliff

[FS]

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You are standing on a great cliff with a dead tree.
Exits are East, West.

You may have something here, but you'll never recover the jar if you drop it up here. This is not a good place to drop the jar.

>_

[King Hadas]

inventory

look at poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket

[ThisIsWitty]

Place jar on ground.

Hit with dowsing rod until it breaks.

Wrap kitten in blanket with urchin.

[Mockery]

cut urchin with jar shards
save
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[FS]

You are carrying:
A poisonous sea urchin wrapped in a blanket.
A roll of duct tape.
A open jar of peanut butter with a rotting, decapitated cat in it.
A pink feather.

The sea urchin is still asleep.

This is not a good place to drop the jar.

Hit WHAT?

The kitten is in the jar.

You don't have jar shards.

Your game was saved. Once.

>_

[Guitar Woman]

throw jar at tree

[ThisIsWitty]

Hit the jar-o-kitten with dowsing rod until it breaks open.

[King Hadas]

wake poisonous sea urchin

[FS]

You're not strong enough to hit it hard enough. This is not a good place to break the jar.

You don't need to wake it. It will wake up when you use it.

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

>_

[King Hadas]

N

Use sea urchin

[FS]

Use sea urchin HOW?

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

>_

[King Hadas]

use sea urchin with cliff

N

N

N

[FS]

You can't use the sea urchin with that.

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N



>_

[executioneer]

west
climb clock tower
drop jar

[James]

Y

Whatever gets this game over with. :(

[FS]

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

You don't have access to the clock tower.

This is not a good place to drop the jar.

This is going nowhere fast.
Would you like a hint (-10 pts)?
Y / N

Here's a hint: Somewhere in town, there is a good place to drop the jar.

>_

[Captain Goodtimes]

Use jar to catch fireflies

Use the innards of firefly to creat a buring soulution.

Use burning soulution to burn a hole in the clock tower lock.

Enter clock tower.

Have Fun.

[ThisIsWitty]

Y
Y
Y
MORE TIPS.

[camacazio]

Zork never gave tips.

[the[Hitman]]

north.

east.

open jar.

throw open jar at guard.

[Anonymous]

I think that in the future, this game should be played with an elected team of 3 people or something. Instead of tons of retarded people having creative control.

[sports]

You don't say chojin...that is a very good idea...so how about you leave then. :)

[FS]

You are in the town hall. There are people noisily running about. There is a bored-looking man sitting at a desk.
Exits are South.

You can't go that way. You can only go South.

There is no guard here.

>_

[executioneer]

south. examine clock tower

[FS]

You are in the town square.
Exits are North, East, South and West.

The clock tower tells you that it's ten to one.

>_

[St8ic]

unwrap urchin
rape guard with urchin
use guard with kitten

[Guitar Woman]

West
Run Past guard

[The_Rorschach]

Undo

Undo

Undo

Throw jar at clock

[Guitar Woman]

You don't say chojin...that is a very good idea...so how about you leave then. :)
What the hell did chojin do asshole

[the[Hitman]]

obviously chojin said something retard.

learn to fucking read.

[James]

North
Drop Jar

[Guitar Woman]

Well, I guess he kind of fucked up in giving the thing to the guard. I thought the poison jawbreaker would work.

[James]

Will you shut the fuck up? Chojin's one of 3 people who know what the fuck they're doing in this game.

[Guitar Woman]

Jeeze pal calm it down a bit.

[King Hadas]

Thats it! I'm sick of everyone ruining this goddamn game so from here on anyone who posts who isn't FS, tries to be funny when they're obviously not and/or nuts haven't dropped yet are automatic fairies. >:

[ThisIsWitty]

Show bored man inventory.

[FS]

You'd probably never see the jar again if you threw it away here. Besides, you need the clock to tell you the time.

You are in the town hall. There are people noisily running about. There is a bored-looking man sitting at a desk.
Exits are South.

You throw the jar on the floor right in the middle of the crowd. It bursts open and the corpse of the cat pops out. The resulting stench spreading through the town hall causes the crowd to scream and run away, convinced they're under attack. The only one seemingly not bothered by the smell is the bored man.
You squeeze your nose shut to fend off the stench.

Yeah, right. And while you're at it, try 'win game' and 'do the right thing'.

>_

[Pub Lover]

Talk to Bored Looking Man.

[James]

And to think, we'd have been at this point in the game 3 pages ago if retards were banned from using computers.

Save

[FS]

"Yes, welcome to the department of name changes. How may I help you?" the bored man says, annoyed. "As if anyone ever comes here. Well, aside from the temple guard. Scared to death anyone'll find out his real name was Fistula Jones, before he came here."
The bored man starts trying to tie up rolls of paperwork for storage, but it keeps slipping loose. "Aagh! Rubber bands!" he cries out in frustration.

Your game was saved as Aug24_04.sav

>_