Tuesday storytime and thread

[HNICPantitude]

At 8:00 this morning, on my way to work, i decided I wanted coffee. I had a choice as I got off the freeway. I could go to the Dunkin Donuts to my right, about 3 miles out of the way round trip from work, or I could go to the Dunkin Donuts to my left, which was only 1 mile out of my way.

I opted to go left, even though I had never been to this specific Dunkin Donuts, usually opting for the Starbucks in front of my neighborhood.

I walked into the Dunking Donuts in the GHETTO. Yes, I had to get out of the car, because the ghetto Dunkin' Donuts has no drive-thru. Now incredible irritated, I get on line behind about 6 Columbians ranting and raving about something at an incredible pace.

This story will be continued when I come back from smoking and the bathroom.....

[PSYCHOMAN!]

Did any of those Columbians by chace have a poncho and a donkey? If so, watch out, cause that Jaun Valdez is one crazy motherfucker. If the coffee isn't up to snuff, his donkey will strip the tendons from your knees. I've seen it and it's not pretty.

[Seven Force]

This is getting pretty good.

Keep going. :)

[Dole]

a nation holds its breath :goth

[HNICPantitude]

Chapter 2: The Order

So after listening to everyone speaking Spanglish and ordering, I finally get to the counter. I order a #1 combo with an XL Coffee. For those of you who don't often frequesnt Dunkin' Donuts, or are unfortunate enough to live in an area where your Dunkin' Donuts has no combos, this combo includes:

2 Donuts
1 XL Coffee

Price $2.89

The woman taking the order seemed perplexed by the order, so I reiterated the order by item for her... "Two Old Fashioned Donuts and an XL Coffee."

She took, no shit, 2 1/2 minutes to ring it up, as I impatiently held out my crisp, hard earned $5 bill.

"3.40, sir."

I retracted my $5, and politely reminded her that the combo was $2.89. She looked at me with a vacant and dull stare that would normally have lulled my into a deep sleep, but I was determined.

"No," I reiterated, as I pointed to the large illuminated sign, a mere 4 feet above her head, hoping that she could read.

She turned towards the sign, blindly following my finger and stared for what seemed like an eternity. She turned around and said "Thats for the sandwhich combo."

"No, thats Combo #2, and that includes a breakfast sandwich and an XL Coffee for $3.59, not $3.40. I ordered Combo #1 - two donuts and an XL Coffee."

"$3.40"

"No."

Staring..............

"Get a manager."

To be continued...

[MetalMilitia]

:lol im looking forward to the next installment.

[LNSICPantitude]

i have already heard this story. i am waiting patiently for embelishments. thus far, there have been none.

[HNICPantitude]

Chapter 3: The Atmosphere

As the manager approached the register, I first glanced impatiently at my watch, hopefully conveying the fact that my time was more important than her's, being as it is that I was hungry, and was starting to get a caffeine headache.

But then my eyes were drawn to the enormous ring of keys hanging from her belt. There were no less than 50 keys on the ring. I was astounded, and intrigued. Why was Dunkin' Donuts inundated with so many locks? Must have something to do with the war on terror. I wasn't about to ask.

The "manager" was short and frazzled. But, she clearly meant business. She came to the register and calmly listened to the cashier's explanation of what had happened.

Meanwhile, I was now looking around and taking in all of my surroundings. I was immediately overwhelmed by my out-of-placeness. Everyone in the establishment was some sort of a Spanish/Native American hybrid. I was Italian/Irish, stood no less than a foot taller than everyone else, and had a different primary language.

I felt isolated, as I was the only customer without 6-11 kids hanging from each limb. I also smelled strongly of soap, and having showered this month. But, as I had previously mentioned, I was determined. Normally, I would have paid the 51 cents extra and left, but I was growing irritated, and this would be my fight on principle for the day.

Stay tuned.....

[mburbank]

"The glandular Gringo out front wants to see you."
"Why?"
"He says I charged him too much"
"Did you?"
"I have no idea. The school we went to only had English emmersion and I dropped out at sixteen so I could get a minimum wage job at a fucking Dunkin Donuts because otherwise my family would be out on the street. I can't read English and I have no reason at all to care. "
"Uh huh. I can smell his deoderant soap from here."
"I know. What the hell is he doing here? Isn't it enough his kind created the slums we'll never get out of and locked us into wage slavery? Can't he go to starbucks like every other fucking white man?"
"Starbucks. Bet they'd charged him $20 for what he just bought for the pleasure of being served by other white people."
"He smells like a homosexual"
"I know."
"I'll give you half my paycheck if you hit him with your keys."

[Anonymous]

:lol

[HNICPantitude]

Far too intelligent a conversation for them to have had in the back max. Probably went something more like this...

My English translation of the conversation:

"Miss Manager?"
"Yes"
"I fucked up and whitey is mad"
"Oh no. How did you fuck up Maria?"
"I overcharged him for his two delicious old fashioned donuts and his XL coffee"
"Oh no, Maria. That is the third time this month. Is everything ok at home?"
"Enrico came home late again last night and smelled like tequila and cocoa butter"
"Oh no Maria - well, let's go help the tall man out front. After all, it is he and his kind that have taken us in in their wonderful country and allowed us to work for so much more than we ever could have made hooking in Bogota. Plus, my skin just wont heal from walking in that gasoline/coco leaf soup for 33 years."
"Ok let's go help him."

[Seven Force]

Both are pretty funny, tbh. :/

[LNSICPantitude]

i don't get the "soup" part.

[subterfuge]

Once, when I asked if they had any sort of combos with multiple tacos for a large party of people, the lady working the drive through at Del Taco responded with, "What does 'multiple' mean?

She wasn't hispanic. Nor was she from a different country. She was just that dumb. At least non-native English speakers have a small excuse.

After getting over the shock of her question, my reply back to her was, "Uh... it means 'several.' Do you have any large party packs? That sort of thing?"

The word "several" confused her as well. There was a pause, and then a, "Um, no, we don't have none of that." Fucking double negatives would imply that they indeed did have party packs, but I wasn't going to waste my time explaining third grade grammar to a tard.

[HNICPantitude]

Which is exactly where I was headed until I offended. My story has more to do with stupidity than country of origin. I was merely trying to draw a picture for others to relate with by describing the people in the room. The story will continue soon...

[mburbank]

"I really hate white people."
"Me too"
"The only pleasure I get from this stinking, thankless, soul crushing job is when I can overcharge some privildged, lilly white , homsexual smelling fuck and then stare at him like I have no idea what he's talking about."
"I don't understand them a lot of the time. When they get mad they talk too fast and yell, like being louder will make me understand them. I don't speak English well, but it's my third language. Maybe he should try telling us about the combo rate in Spanish."
"Look at him. He doesn't even have any kids. I bet he is gay"
"If you were him, would you reproduce?"
"Look at him pointing at his watch. Stupid fuck."
(In Spanish) "Hey, you stupid gay smelling no children privilidged white fuck! Why don't you get your stupid white aass to Starbucks and give them what amounts to my entire paycheck for a Half/Caf mochachino?"
"I don't think he understood you. Speak more slowly and really yell at him!"
"Look, he's pointing at the sign again! This is the most fun I've had all month!"

[mburbank]

My local dunkin donuts is run by Slavs and it's hell on wheels. Getting anything remotely ressembling service there is next to impossible and I hate it.

But my guess is that even among Slavs only the slowest and meanest are wiling to work at Dunkin Donuts and they are as unmotivated as the heavy metal guy at the Mall Dunkin Donuts who stands there mopping relentlessly while I wait to place an order.

My guess? What the servers smell like and how many children they have was not a factor in their lack of interest in wether you got the right price for your donuts, anymore than the unibrows, female mustaches and ethnic warcrime scars account for the sucky service I get at my Dunkin.

I don't blame you for hating it though. Every Dunkin Donuts I have ever been in is a hell mouth. Plus, their donuts are no longer made in the store and consequently they taste like sawdust, so paying anything for them, let alone too much, is an affront.

[HNICPantitude]

"Maria, isn't Dunkin Donuts a great place to work?"
"Yes, it is Juanita."
"And this white guy is very handsome."
"By the way, did they come in a give you your $20 yet?"
"Who?"
"The people that are going to drive us in the big bus on November to vote for Senor Kerry."
"Oh.... si"
"And have you been issued your.....como se dice.... driver's license yet?"

[mburbank]

Make that soup joke again. That was funny.

[LNSICPantitude]

the dunkin donuts by our house is somewhat respectable, though now that i pissed off the only intelligent person working there the service will most likely diminish slightly. it's not my fault i'm not the first person to tell him he looked like collin ferrell.

also - last saturday night we sat inside said dunkin donuts and pondered the donut making process. do they make them there? are they frozen and shipped in? if so, do the stoners in the back handle the fillings and frostings?

i would have asked but collin ferrell was still reeling from my absurd observation.

[HNICPantitude]

I'm only screwing around Max. I have no inherant problem with Colombians to be honest. I was merely irritated with the lack of comprehension on their part in my request. On a side note... the cashier was a fat white girl with red hair, most likely for a nearby local trailer park, and the manager was white as well. The customers were the Colombians i spoke of.

Ass for my responses, I was just going along with your scripting of the conversation.

To end this story quickly, because my flow has been broken, I got my 2 delicious old fashioned donuts and my XL Cofee for a mere $2.44.

What a deal.

Which leads to the point of my thread. What is everyones favorite flavor of donut and are there any hardcore coffee drinkers out there that would disagree Dunkin' Donuts has the best cofee?

Discuss.

[LNSICPantitude]

starbucks tastes like what i would imagine burnt ass might be like, but i'll drink it if it's around and i have an extra 4.82 on me.

i'm a fan of the cruller.

i don't know if you actually asked about favorite donuts, but that's my opinion.

[mburbank]

Okay, I have to admit that last paragraph "Which leads to the point of my thread." made me laugh.

I also am only screwing around and am enjoying a cranky mood today.

They stopped making the donuts in the stores right around the time the 'time to make the donuts' guy retired. There are regional DD bakeries and they truck the pre-made product there. I did an industrial tarde show for DD several years ago, and their standards have fallen quite sharply since then, with Freshness of product no longer being the signature selling point of their brand. I have no theories at all why, in my experience, DD workers are far, far stupider and surlier than other minimum wage employees.

A few years back I wrote a piece for "Bully Magazine" (which unfortunately no longer archives it, but I did find a bit of it excerted by some blogger. It was generically racist and its the only piece of mine Mock ever rejected. He said because it didn't fit any particular category but I think he thought it had a lot of cheap laughs in it. I thought it was hysterical and promptly sent it to Bully.

Here's what I was able to find:

"I don't think that could possibly be right, Twenty-two fifty."
"Yays, aw-hohn, yays, I pooge, I pooge botton wit de 'hote koeffee' picture and it come up tuh-WAYNE-ty two Fifty"
"But now, see that can't be right, see, because, well, twenty-two fifty for a cup of coffee, I think I'd have heard if Dunkin' Donuts was charging twenty-two fifty for a cup of coffee-"


My favorite Donut? Used to be French Cruller. Now it's Lemon Burst. And I hate the coffee. Luckily my home town of Salem Mass has many fine privately owned coffee shops and a Bagel shop run by some sort of Eastern Eurpoean mish mash who work like absolute dogs but seem unreasonably happy except recently they hired these two damn slavic retard girls who ought to be working across the street at DD where I only go when Bagel world is closed.

[Seven Force]

I must've been lucky then. The one I went to this morning had great service. They all spoke English, were very polite, and I got exactly what I ordered (2 sausage & egg croissants with chesse one w/o the egg). She even told me the one I had (sausage crissoant w/o egg) was in the bottom of the bag.

Life is good. :)

[Seven Force]

*sigh*

I'm really sorry for the double post. You all know why... >_<

My favorite is the chocolate frosted cake doughnut.

[HNICPantitude]

Honestly, I agree that the quality of DD had gone down for a while, but I have seen a marked improvement this year. I would imagine as far as chains that large go, DD was getting a little scared of it's arch-rival KK and is now fighting back. We shall see. I still think its the best coffee n the world though. Mock rejects articles?

[LNSICPantitude]

DD has by far the best coffee around but only if they take it easy on the creamer. i don't really enjoy the donut but i seem to eat them quite often. must be the convenience factor. i can't really imagine eating 2 croissant sandwich things from there because one is like the size of my head.

there's a privately owned coffee place across the street from us. i've been there twice now and each time the guy that runs it freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. "whatchu want? we gotta littla dis, littla dat. you wanna bagel? we got da bagels. you wanna coffee, dat's fresh coffee dere."

i usually end up back at starbucks.

very dissappointed about the freshness factor of the donuts. sad. didn't the little donut man die?

do they have winchells donuts anywhere other than california? i could google this question, but why do the legwork?

[Cosmo Electrolux]

hey!!!

where the hell have you two been???

[HNICPantitude]

It's been a long 18 months, but we were, as always, drawn back to this crappy ass board. I, for on, enjoy the crew that remains from a couple years back, although as a whole, I would have to say the newbies suck.

Speaking of the old crew - where is Achimp, Jamesman, Protoclown, etc. Who's left?

[LNSICPantitude]

i haven't been on this board in over a year, so i'm not sure how to answer that question other than:

sshhhhhhh. we're here now little fella.

[Cosmo Electrolux]

I don't see Proto very much anymore, but pretty much everyone else is either still here and lurking, or stop by occasionally.

[mburbank]

Protos here.

The donut guy died, but he retired first. Anyway, I think he died.

I'm sorry about your coffee shop. Mine (FRONT STREET COFFEE OF SALEM MASS) serves up several varieties of Fair Trade Coffee from all over the world every day (fair trade negotiates directly with growers and pays a living wage) AND it costs literally half what Starbucks does, plus all your various espresso varieties. I stop there every morning on the way to the train.

Starbucks has excellent employee practices, but they use a targetting strategy for where they start up and take a loss until they drive local competition out of business, just like Walmart. Plus, their coffee is WAY to damn expensive and all you're paying for is the snooty ambience. I have no problem with a Starbucks on the highway or in a town that has no good coffee, but when they plunked their ass down within walking distnce of five, count em five private shops and two DD's in Salem I wanted to set them on fire.

[HNICPantitude]

You people in Salem seem to want to burn everything you dont like. Why is that?

[Hobo Renee]

Uh, I saw a Winchells the other day in Lacey, WA. Um...so being from California where most of the fast food workers are Mexican, I can relate to the language barrier delema and what not, however, Mexicans are some of the hardest workers and do not get enough credit because they help to keep this country running. Moving on, now that I live in Washington it's strange to see barely any Mexicans in the fast food establishments and as a consiquence I'm certain that the service here is worse.

[Jixby Phillips]

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[Terra]

:lol

That was done to music on America's Funniest Videos.

[Jixby Phillips]

sorry i cant reply because i've just shot myself in the mouth

[Jixby Phillips]

and i'm DEAD

[executioneer]

Uh, I saw a Winchells the other day in Lacey, WA. Um...so being from California where most of the fast food workers are Mexican, I can relate to the language barrier delema and what not, however, Mexicans are some of the hardest workers and do not get enough credit because they help to keep this country running. Moving on, now that I live in Washington it's strange to see barely any Mexicans in the fast food establishments and as a consiquence I'm certain that the service here is worse.

well just go to eastern WA theres plenty of mexicans over there :lol

[mburbank]

No one was ever burned in Salem. All our alleged witches were hung, except Giles Corey who was crushed to death during an attempt to extract a confession. His last words? "More weight".

[glowbelly]

my history teacher used the saying 'pressed to death' for that one person who wasn't hung and it made me think of stomping grapes to make wine.

i giggled. he looked at me funny. i got an 95 on my first test. coincidence? most definitely.

[HNICPantitude]

But its still fun to think of the witch trials as the scene in Monty Python's Holy Grail.

Buuuuuuurn Her.

How thespian of me to quote that. I hated the kids in high school who did that. Couldn't help myself though.

[Supafly345]

Uh, I saw a Winchells the other day in Lacey, WA. Um...so being from California where most of the fast food workers are Mexican, I can relate to the language barrier delema and what not, however, Mexicans are some of the hardest workers and do not get enough credit because they help to keep this country running. Moving on, now that I live in Washington it's strange to see barely any Mexicans in the fast food establishments and as a consiquence I'm certain that the service here is worse.Since there is less mexicans here, there is less poverty, and resulting from that, less people eating or serving cardboard burgers. Besides, how the hell do you rate the service at fast food? Unless they can get you your burger faster than NOW in california, I don't think the varying time lengths all under a minute are enough to measure who's good or bad at serving dogfood.
Considering everybody up here seems to be drinking their meals anyways, I am wondering why fast food still exists anymore other than to serve as a laxitive alternative.

[HNICPantitude]

I'm very curious - how can you bunch mexicans with colombians? They are VERY diffent cultures.

[Hobo Renee]

No, I was just talking about an (is ethnic the right word?) minority where I live, as max was with the slavs, and how that pertains to the various fast food resturants. By service I meant the speed of the food and how it tastes and wether they are outrageously mean when you order the food--so pretty much the food is fast, tastes good, and they are only minimally mean.

[Anonymous]

Hey! Did somebody hear something? :eek

[kellychaos]

Bump! Nothing to add here. Just thought that the first half or so of page one was humorous. Ignore all after. Read it, punk!