The BlueOatmeal Advice thread!

[BlueOatmeal]

Come get advice from someone who has no godamn right giving advice dealing with matters such as sex, love, relationships, etc.

If you want tips about masturbating then I will indeed hook you the fuck up.

[GADZOOKS]

If the TV show Wings lasted beyond 2002, how would you think they would handle the whole 9/11 incident in a episode.

[BlueOatmeal]

No doubt it would have been done in a tasteful yet funny way.

Roy would do something sleazy like make a funny special like "Aeromass is the bomb! All tickets half off."

Lowell in his goodnature man-child ways would go to New York and help fix all the broken planes.

Joe and Helen would have sex

Brian would do something immature and maybe also have sex with a stranger and then dump her to have sex with her sister

Antonio would be beaten up by everyone for being a terriost.

Since Fay is old she would have a heatattack when she heard the news

Nobody cares about Casey, Harry, or Budd so they were blowen up with the planes.

[GADZOOKS]

Lowell in his goodnature man-child ways would go to New York and help fix all the broken planes.


:)

[GADZOOKS]

Lowell in his goodnature man-child ways would go to New York and help fix all the broken planes.


:)

[ItalianStereotype]

Lowell in his goodnature man-child ways would go to New York and help fix all the broken planes.


:)

[BlueOatmeal]

Lowell in his goodnature man-child ways would go to New York and help fix all the broken planes.


Wheres all the advice?

[Helm]

Do we have to look at your gross picture in every post

[BlueOatmeal]

At least you can't see the towel with a tuft of my pubic hair. Its all about give and take.

[GADZOOKS]

I think this thread needs more smiles :)

[HickMan]

:) :) :)

[BlueOatmeal]

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
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[Guitar Woman]

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) you suck :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

[HickMan]

BOO YOU RUINED IT FAG

[GADZOOKS]

I'd like to cancel my subscription to Father Spaz Daily, please.

[HickMan]

It's almost as hard to unsubscribe to then The Rodman Report :eek

[BlueOatmeal]

Godammit all where are the questions?

[BlueOatmeal]

They made it into a movie you ass! :lol2

[The Retro Kat]

How would I go about getting a blowjob from a straight guy?

[BlueOatmeal]

The best way I have found is to get a guy all liquored up. It has to be really strong maybe put a few of those date rape drugs in it. When hes all fucked up in the head tell him that chicks like it when they watch two men blow each other. You see most men will do anything to score with the ladies and soon you will have your blowjob.

If you don't want to go through all that trouble we could set up some sort of get together. I'm not gay but I've always wanted to suck a dick.

[Mr. Vagiclean]

i just let out a WHIFF

[BlueOatmeal]

I sugest you light a match. Or spray something.

[HickMan]

I'm not gay but I've always wanted to suck a dick.

LOL :eek

[Jixby Phillips]

Blue Oatmeal:

your wings post was funny! Thanks for the smiles!

[BlueOatmeal]

I'm really glad I could lift your spirits Jixby. I know you hate me and all but It's good to know you respect me when I do something that makes people happy. Because we know such a little thing makes such a big difference.

[Raize]

Okay, I'll be the first to ask a question.

There's a hot girl at work that was flirting with me at the bar last week. My supervisor has warned me against having relationships outside work with those in the workplace, yet she is dating another female supervisor (for a different area) outside work and only a handful of people know about it. I am one of those people.

Should I pursue this girl, and what do I say to my boss if she finds out?

[HickMan]

you live in idaho :x

[Big Papa Goat]

your boss is a lesbian? :x

[Raize]

your boss is a lesbian? :x

Well, I don't want to flat out say it, but it would appear she is at least bi. :/

[BlueOatmeal]

I say follow your heart (or your dick lolololol) and go take what you want. Fuck your boss. If your getting laid who cares about a job? Besides when shes asleep you can always stea money out of her purse.

[liquidstatik]

Did you get herpes from a man? :x

[BlueOatmeal]

No I didn't. I don't know how I got herpes. I hope someone didn't co ck slap me while I was resting.

[Mr. Vagiclean]

attention isn't the only thing your sig is getting :(

[BlueOatmeal]

You know you <3 it!

[Phunman]

The best way I have found is to get a guy all liquored up. It has to be really strong maybe put a few of those date rape drugs in it. When hes all fucked up in the head tell him that chicks like it when they watch two men blow each other. You see most men will do anything to score with the ladies and soon you will have your blowjob.

If you don't want to go through all that trouble we could set up some sort of get together. I'm not suave but I've always wanted to suck a one-eyed trouser snake.


Ohh, so that's why you always want us to drink or smoke up whenever we hang out Blue Oatmeal.

[HickMan]

Hence your sig...

[BlueOatmeal]

My advice thread is dead. :(

[kellychaos]

What a sad turn. :(

[Raize]

I'm a tad bit concerned by your suggestion. You said to "chumbawumba" my boss. But my boss is the problem, not the solution. She's not hot, this other co-worker (who she doesn't supervise) is.

Also, another update is that there is another female coworker that would be upset if I dated this girl. And last but not least, this girl is dating a guy that I know and don't really want any trouble with. I think I'm just going to pass on the whole thing.

My life is one of those daytime soaps, where the only available women are those upset with their boyfriends and yet still date them because they (in the words of Pearl Jam) "can't find a better man."

[BlueOatmeal]

I didnt mean to actually screw your boss. I meant to "screw" as in blow off. Don't let her stop you from getting your groove on.

And passing does sound like a good idea. Sometimes its better to masturbate than to get beat up for sexing up a fine lady.

[kellychaos]

Dear Mr. Oatmeal,

I think that I would have went with the standard, "Sex in the workplace always comes to no good" ... or something like that. Feel free to embellish on that.

XXXXXOOOOOO

[BlueOatmeal]

Thank you for the help kelly. I'm still trying to bloom into a beautiful advice guy and its always heart-warming when someone helps me out in a gentle, sexy way. <3

[Anonymous]

i hate you and your character

[BlueOatmeal]

Your such a kidder. You less than three me!

[Anonymous]

no seriously i think you're creepy and will probably be arrested for attempted rape at some point in your life

[Sojourn]

Or hopefully victimized by it.

[Pub Lover]

no seriously i think you're creepy and will probably be arrested for attempted rape at some point in your life
You say that to everyone. :rolleyes

[Anonymous]

That only goes half for you

[Helm]

Take that god-damn sig off. I am cashing in ALL my i-mockery club points (accumulated through years of monetary contributions to the forum, the zombie movie and by spotting a lot of pickleman secrets ON MY OWN) to get you to change that signature or be BANNED mister. You've been warned. I'll take it up in the next i-mockery vet newsletter.

[Matt Harty]

call and ask nicely

[kellychaos]

I'm sending a hand-crafted, macaroni valentine to all those that responeded to this thread ... with sparklies.

[ziggytrix]

call and ask nicely

call from greece? do you know how much that would cost? it would be cheaper just to mail a bribe to chojin or rog.

[kellychaos]

I am NOT sexy! >:

[Helm]

sshut the fukc up moron

[Anonymous]

call and ask nicely

call from greece? do you know how much that would cost? it would be cheaper just to mail a bribe to chojin or rog.
it costs me 14 cents a minute to call greece on my wireless plan ;<

[kellychaos]

I like the cut of your jib, sir. Very sassy. Very sassy, indeed!

[Raize]

I didnt mean to actually screw your boss. I meant to "screw" as in blow off. Don't let her stop you from getting your groove on.

Okay I can do that.

And passing does sound like a good idea. Sometimes its better to masturbate than to get beat up for sexing up a fine lady.

Another update. She upset with me for some reason. I didn't hang out with her the other night but my roommate (also a close friend of hers) did. Do you think that could have something to do with it?

[BlueOatmeal]

It might. It seems that girls love to make boys jelous. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you want to sex her up good and that you'll never leave her and you will always love her. You really don't have to follow through on that. It really doesn't matter after you get what you wanted.

[Raize]

Okay. More updates:

The girl above is like hardly even an issue anymore. We're just friends. The other work girl is just a friend too. No plans with either of them.

Another girl I know is about to start where I work and yet another girl is with a buddy of mine now but for some reason is a slut and hit on me this past weekend.

Should I just turn gay and tell all these fucking women off?

[Anonymous]

'turn'?

[Helm]

some do

[Anonymous]

is there a joke virus going around today

[Helm]

no

[Raize]

Okay never mind. The work girl is back in the picture again. I'm having problems refraining from being interested in women. I might not be able to keep my celibacy vow. Should I let my parents know this?

[BlueOatmeal]

You know I really didn't think my advice thread would get this deep and involved and I'm afraid I cannot help you anymore for fear of fucking up someone elses life. My last bit of advice for you its to follow your dick! Let it take you where it wants to go!