The explicitly and frustratingly true love stories thread

[Helm]

Oh god this subforum is dying. As the head moderator of Loveline (besides Philosophy and/or Politics), I've devised a plan to rejuvinate this place. I believe it can again blossom from this horrible scrapheap of sweaty locker-room discussion about "breast's" , nipples or Blue Oatmeal's same-named horrible but thankfully obstructed deformities or any other variation thereof, to the wonderful commune of lovingly shared misinformation of all things related to the heart (all you "I have cancer" people stay AWAY).


However this thread has nothing to do with any of that. It's simply a thread where you will post true (it's called the honour system, asshole >:) anecdotes about your love-life for the enjoyment of the rest. I guess stories with no actual sexual or emotional content, but with close shaves with such, or that may allude to the possibility of such, or that when the prime semiotic values, if abstracted and uh, juxtaposed properly might cognate to such, might be allowed., I would hate to exclude the majority of the i-mockery people, after all. So I guess " I had a pet rabbit once. It nibbled on my stomach" goes, but don't overdo it, jerks.Because personally, I have a huge manmeat and I stick it in things very regularly and so I am a huge success story.


:(


So here I go first, so that this thread might at least have some content before it inevitably gets completely disregarded by people.

The day when my high-school friend's completely hot sister made overt sexual advances at me while I was wearing just a pair of men's full-cut undershorts

ok that's too long. Let's call it raging hard-on instead. Or maybe Livejour[/somebody else finish that joke thanks

That was when I was 17 and my hair wasn't as long as it is now. Like everybody, in high-school we had our own little clique and we generally kept to ourselves (as it has been repeatedly and indoubtably completely correctly reported, actually looking at other people wrong can get you murdered, stabbed or maimed or worse in greek high-schools so watch your back, moron >:). Anyway, I guess if my life wasn't an existential drama/racing movie but a teen comedy, our group wouldn't be the Nerds, and it wouldn't be the street-wise pot-smoking Social Rejects either. I guess we were the post-modernly ironic we're-a-group-'cause-we-all-reject-groups-guys. Or something. F*ck you. Anyway, in this group there was this guy that was really obnoxious. He would always be so derisive of other people and ironic and other times flat-out insulting about appearances and and and whatever. But you know how high-school groups are. No child left behind. Once you're in. you're [//i]in[code][/center]. Anyway, this guy decides to have a little end-of-year get-together at his rediculously luxurious house and we go.

So yeah ok we meet his gorgeous sister and we drink beers and cut shallow slashes into our arms (great party trick. "He-man not afraid of pain! Pleasure me, woman!") and some assholes from the guys old school show up and we're doing the stare-down as if it's a scene from Warriors and we're the indian gang and they're the roller-skate gang (lol) and I actually got threatened with a poker (of all things) and got into a fist-fight (I only mention this because it's significant to the story so shut up before I come to your house and beat you up, jack >:)


Ok one moment now. I just realized I don't know many one-word english insults. But I have an idea I'll try it ok thanks here we go


So after the little fight (the assholes left, the guy that messed with me pledging eternal vendetta on me. Naturally I never saw him again) things quiet down, it's just the indian guys now and we decide to sleep over since the obnoxious guy's parents were away. Some people crash at couches, some at their own beds (duh) and I get the double-bed with my best friend. The four guys try to sleep for a while, the sister goes to do what sisters do at night I dunno I've never met any (lie) so we eventually drift back to the living room and sit around at 3 morning and we discuss. Just in the mentioned boxers. It's no biggie, guys. I know you've all had jerk-off sessions where the middle guy in the sofa takes over for the other two if they get tiredGROSS I've never done any of that and if you have you're a h*mosexual (lol that word is censored ) >:. Anyway we're not discussing politics or anything. You know the party conversations where deep personal stuff gradually gets out, friend-bonding stuff. If there's such a talk after a get-together, you know it went well. The guy's sister is with back with us (girls like to listen to the usually tree-house reserved guy talk let me tell you) and I'm practising my best not-looking look thing and yeah it's always obvious, insult, but if you know it's obvious it shows you know it's obvious and it becomes less pathetic and more cute, insult

ok did that work at all? I didn't know any more insults so I just put insult there did it work? ok

and basically we're making discreet eyes and her brother is sitting right there. Should I describe her I dunno it's the first time I call these radio talk shows. I guess not, everybody think of a gorgeous girl (even you girls eww gross) and you're pretty much there. Shorter hair though. Pretty smile. There. Hotness. She's 22 or something. No, 22 is right, I think.

I engage her in small-talk while the rest talk about whatever (can you listen in on two conversations at once? I know I can but it's tiring) and she tells me about her current boyfriend (I saw him once, he was a metrosexual) and how he's neglecting her and how she's going to break it off soon and I'm all uh-huh but not *TOO* much uh-huh if you know what I mean I'm really playing it right and I can tell the bitch is hot and wet and bothered to mate what the f*ck ok sorry I can tell she likes my personality or somethng. Right. Everybody tires out, an hour later people start going to sleep. It's just me and her now and she's doing the leaning towards thing but I'm starting to have a moral dillema. You see it's another thing to idly flirt (I do it all the time and I've even given up on sex unless the chick is really well-hung. I'm working my way up to the darkies) and other to actually realize you're closing the deal. So I decide to wrap it up and go to bed before I go to bed haha get it f*ck you, insult. She comes along to go to her room and as we're at her door (her bother sleeping in the next room, door half-open) as I say goodnight she puts her hand on my shoulder (I get that nice kinda electric feeling that you get when a pretty girl touches you, especially when the only one touching you in romantic intent for a while has been your retarded 300 pound cousin let me tell you) and she's all you know I like you a lot you're a very nice guy and she's inching towards me.

I get really anxious about making out with my friend's big sister and quickly but cordially return the complements and tell her I'll see her in the morning. Yeah.

I go back to the double-bed and my best friend has heard most of it and is giving me the lol look. Anyway, I get in bed and there's that akward silence, besides the shuffling sheets sound of me trying to rearrange my evident boxer-tent problem. So my friend goes "hey, interested in a pity-fuck?".

That's it >: The sister girl went off in england for studies and I think he's getting engaged with the negletful boyfriend. It was close, so close, no matter how far, couldn't be much more futher from the heart or something but my retrograde advance was probably for the best. 'Cause if I did make out with her it would have been a realistic experience, but anyone who ever has had sex (not you lol I am a success story) can tell you, the close-calls provide for the best material for fantasies ever. So now I get to imagine feeding her poop and shit (hey, the regular kind of fantasies kinda wear out after the first few years) without having to deal with the distressed brother-of with whom I later had a very serious falling out with anyhow.




Man, that was long. But not as long as my penis. Marissa I love you.

[Anonymous]

Helm, you are the best. THE BEST.

[FS]

Can I repost my Royal story? It's not true but it didn't happen to me so that cancels each other out, right

[Helm]

Stop sucking up to the mods, chojin.

And yeah go right ahead FS. I haven't read that one.

People, make an effort! The sake of the loveline forum is (not) at stake! I just wanna see my thread go into three pages or so to satisfy my ego. [/url]

[AChimp]

If I come up with any stories that I have not posted here already in the past, I will remember this post.

I'll take requests from all my fans, though. :posh

[Helm]

This is a good place to repost for the newer generations of i-mockery people. That's what this thread is about. Besides you know, stuff.

[AChimp]

Except that I don't feel comfortable expressing myself in front of a whole new crowd of new people, you know? It's not like we're all vets here anymore[/list] and you've all seen me naked (lol) before.[/code] :(

Maybe I'll have a story later. ;)

[adept_ninja]

mine isnt a long story but I shall tell you it anyway. I just recently broke up with this girl who was a ex-heroine-addict-jew-depressed-wrist-cutting-rape-victim
yeah she dumped me though. I will tell you one thing the "in-between" talk was some of the weirdest and uncomfortable conversations I have ever had

[AChimp]

SHARE MORE. >:

[soundtest]

i think i posted about how i lost my virginity before here.. or maybe it was somewhere else.. but i'll tell it again cause Helm's awesome story has got me in the mood haha not that mood am i right guys

i was 16 (actually 17 but whenever i tell this story i say i was 16 or sometimes even 15 cuz it makes me sound better[/center]) and my girlfriend moved away to another city a few hours away with her family. we stayed a couple. i went to visit her a couple of times and vice versa, we wrote each other letters, talked on the phone all the time, and all that cute shit. anyway, that summer, i met her cousin by accident at a party, and we started hanging out a lot and became close friends.

the thing is, i'm an ass. i had no intention of keeping up this long distance relationship, but wanted the cousin's best friend... anyway, over that summer i hung out with the cousin all the time trying to get to the best friend, but had no luck. the cousin was actually hotter, but had a boyfriend, and i didn't dare make a move out of fear of it getting back to my girlfriend.

anyway, one night she invites me to her older brother's birthday party at some dude's house. we're drinking, and she asks me to play the guitar and we all keep drinking and i think there was a fight or something blah blah... so the night wears on and everybody starts passing out... i, the gentleman that i am, say that i'm going to go home, and she insists i stay. 'ok'. then she grabs my hand... this is where i started clueing in to something. she takes me to a bunch of rooms.. all occupied. the only space left besides the cold basement floor.. and i swear to GOD on this... this big bed where her huge, body building, expelled from school and on probation brother is passed out from drinking too much. fuck.

so we both lay down on the other side of the bed. he's snoring. she starts kissing me... then goes for the money spot. like i said, i was a virgin, so that big drunken bastard was the last thing on my mind... all i could think of was "FINALLY!".. but then being so excited got the better of me. FUCK. luckily it was still in my pants so she didn't know... i stopped kissing and was like "i don't think we should do this... i mean... you're brother is right there". "It's ok" she said, "he'll never wake up.. trust me I know him". but i insisted.. no we can't.

she was a little concerned, but content just to cuddle. 15 min. later i was back in business and thought fuck this i've waited 17 years and i'm not going out like that. after she was like "wow you lasted so long... and you're a virgin?" "ya but i'm italian"

:sleep

[adept_ninja]

SHARE MORE. >:
haha if you really want more I shall post some of my conversations as best as I can remember them

[Perndog]

Okay, I've got a story.

This was near the end of my late teenage "no one loves me" phase (spring freshman year :( ). My very first girlfriend had dumped me several months before and after a few ridiculous rejections in the meantime, I had pretty much given up on trying anything with women for a while.

So I'm at my friend's 20th birthday party, at his house, and the keg is flowing. This is the first party I'd been to since college started where there were actually people to meet (because it was off-campus). A little while after I've arrived, this tall redhead shows up. And since I've had a couple of drinks and I've decided that I have no chance with any woman in existence, I just start talking to her. And we keep talking (and keep drinking) more or less steadily for the next two hours, on a couch in the midst of all the other partygoers. I compliment her appearance shamelessly and sink to overwhelming depths of self-deprecation (someone as beautiful as you would never go out with a guy like me, AND you're two years older than I am, so I feel comfortable talking to you without having to worry about all that stuff). She drinks more than I do, and eventually we're holding hands (still surrounded by other people), I'm sober, and she's pretty sloshed.

Mister DD says he's ready to go home, and I graciously invite her along, because she lives on campus too. Then we're at her place. She sort of tries to kiss me in the car, but gentleman I am, I decide we'd better wait til she's sober for any of that. So we sit on her couch and talk for another three hours, after which time she convinces me of her sobriety and I learn some new things about female anatomy. Then I go home and go to sleep at 6:30 in the morning, right about dawn.

She comes over the next day and the next and the next, and on the third day she reluctantly reveals that she has an incurable venereal disease and she understands if I don't want to be with her. I'm hopelessly lonely and pathetic, so I don't care. After a little misunderstanding with the guy she'd been screwing for a while who had just then decided he wanted to be exclusive (FUCK YOU GUYS, I WAS DESPERATE AND PATHETIC), we declare ourselves a couple. This involves a lot of making out and sleeping together over the next week (including Valentine's Day) but no penetration because I value the long-term health of my penis. I also learn in the meanwhile about her tragic past of anorexia and hard drug addiction. Oh well, she's past it now, right? She still suffers from depression, but I can help her deal with that, right?

One evening, we're hanging out with a few other people and they get to talking about how so many college students have herpes. Then they go out for a smoke and my girlfriend goes into the bathroom and starts crying. When I eventually convince her to come out, she has scratches all over her wrists from a pair of scissors she found in there. Oh joy. She cheers up, more or less, over the next couple of evenings.

Then comes another party, on campus this time so we can just walk there together. A little more drinking here than last time, and it doesn't take remarkably long before she's having trouble walking and I'm able to take care of myself but in no condition to take care of *her*. With the help of a sober friend of hers, we make it to her place where she immediately heads to the bathroom to vomit. A lot. Being drunk and tactless, I tell her I'm irritated that she drank so much and she always makes her problems out to be worse than they are. She yells at me and vomits some more. Then, with assistance (the sober guy is still here and her roommate just got home), she passes out on her bed. But not before vomiting on her pillow. Out of a sense of drunken protectiveness, I curl up miserably on the floor with a spare pillow and blanket borrowed from her roommate. After about a half hour, she somehow rolls out of her bed (3 feet off the floor) with a really painful-sounding thunk. Her roommate throws a blanket over her and leaves her on the floor so she's not in danger of falling again.

I wake up sober five hours later and think I may as well go home and I'll check in on the girl after classes.

That afternoon she calls me and says come over, I have to talk to you.

"I'm leaving tomorrow." "What?" "I just got off the phone with my dad, things are getting too hard to deal with and I need to go home to see a psychiatrist. I have to get packed now, my plane leaves early tomorrow morning." Home is New Mexico. She may or may not come back; if she does, it won't be for a good six months at least. We say a tearful, fifteen-minute goodbye, and then I never see her again. This is two weeks after we met. I was devastated at the loss and I even wrote a song about it.

She was under inpatient care for a while. We sort of stayed in touch via e-mail. She told me about a year later that she was feeling pretty happy, but I had moved on and didn't bother to ask her if she was ever coming back. Then we never got around to talking again. Her Livejournal and her MSN account have both disappeared and I actually don't even know if she's still alive.

The end. :)

[Alive]

yeah ive been out with a few psychos before, but that puking part -especialy having to deal with it in a closed room, is where i would have raised a finger "cheque please" i mean i would have hailed a cab, walked home oh man...

[Schimid]

This actually happened recently. I met this girl at the local mall, while I was at a friend's birthday party. We were kinda all split up, and I was at the Jillians with a few of my guy friends doing stuff. This girl comes in, she's friends with the girl who we're there for, and I'd never seen her in my life. She's beautiful. Blonde hair, green eyes, really light freckles, straight hair, everything I love. But I daren't go for anything, especially since I was just making an ass out of myself a few seconds before.

I take a seat next to her, though, and keep looking to the entrance really just so I can get a quick glimpse of her out of the white of my eye. I look back at what we're watching, she bites me on the shoulder, and we basically flirt for the rest of the night.

Later, I find out she's dating an Arab and has been for over a year. >:[

Well, I quickly dispose of him, and we have a relationship together. Eight months pass, it's not too bad, although we always have the rocky spots where she wants to have sex wait no she doesn't wait yes she does. We didn't, by the way.

So after about eight months, I find out that through the length of our relationship, she's been hankerin' for the Arab and has been sending him letters saying "I HATE ZACH GET ME OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP I ONLY LOVE YOU". For eight months. So after my teary-eyed, red-faced fit of rage, I confront her about it and she tells me really sheepishly "oh i was gonna tell you later".

Well, time goes by, I find out that the guy was ripping up every note she gave him, and rightly so. She comes back to me, crawling, dying, calling me her true love, crying on the phone, just because he didn't want her. She was saying she wanted something she couldn't have, and she realized I was better. Pashaw.

A little time goes by of me saying no to her, and she eventually decides that if she fakes a suicide I'll love her, just like in the movies! She calls me up, threatens suicide, I try to make her stop for about an hour while she rattles pill bottles and makes swallowing noises. I say I'm going to call an ambulance, but she says that she'll just run out of the house. I get an image of her running out of the house drugged up, and I laugh. She slams the phone down.

I ended up calling an ambulance, though I knew she wouldn't do it. But she didn't keep any contact with me or anyone else, so that word might get around that she, you know, died.

She was fine the whole time, didn't go through with any of it, and is pissed off at me because this romantic comedy teen escapade is over. We don't talk anymore, and I'm happy.

[Jixby Phillips]

Sakes Alive, you fucking suck

"I was devastated at the loss and I even wrote a song about it."

lol

I dont have any stories like this!

[Jixby Phillips]

PS that was aimed at ALIVE, Get it?

I am enjoying all of these stories and I'm kind of bummed that I dot have any stories like this :(

[Alive]

I think we get you dont get laid?

[Helm]

Haha yes! Soundtest and Perndog answered my desperate plea for quality stories of humiliation, near-somewhat-sex-something and critical stained-glass-only-more-pukey-reflection! We are close to NOT saving this sub-forum! This thread is going so nicely in fact that I am prepared to present another, well, not dark, but kinda more muddy brown page in the history of me and my penis.

This one's called How I became a man and yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. No zing, no suprise double whammy twist. No nothing. Nothing but the painful loss of the most sincere naivety, the most complete purity of mind, for the sake of the forced and brief carnal pleasure under the worst circumstances ever known to man, beast and F*CK I get sad even thinking about it. Here we go

Okay so I am 16 and my hair is kinda shoulder-length and I'm all metallized FOR POWER (spikes and sew-ons on jacket period) in fact wait, I still have that jacket:

http://www.sylpher.com/helm/metal.jpg
METALLIZED FULL-THROTTLE DEATH-CORPSE ONLY MIRRORED


and I still think getting drunk is the next best thing to pulling your penis out and waving it around in the grand scale of manly-recreations and I'm a total virgin (I kissed two girls before that, the first was really nice (probably why I'm still no homo) and the second girl once a year before or something and she stuck her tongue down my throat and started RAPIDLY SHAKING it from side to side up and down whoa it was like getting punched in the teeth, only from the inside and my infantile psyche fully realized how the girls in OBSCENE MASSIVE PENETRATION : NOW MORE DONKEY felt like, only if where "vagina", put "mouth", where MASSIVE DONKEY PENIS put "V8 Succo di Pomodoro e Verdure" and where "cat wrestling", lol what was I saying? Anyway, CONFUSION. I even read E.A.Poe, for christ's sake. I can still quote most of the Raven (and I hate that poem) yes that's right I memorized it just for the occasion when that elusive well-placed quotation of a select passage would radically boost my position to the higher echelons of intellectuality in the eyes of my dumb-founded peers and

whoa I just remembered that one actually worked with a girl a few years after but that's a story for another time

anyway I paint the picture. I was so desperate, I'd try a slow clap if it ment me any cool points and if it wasn't funny at all and F*CK you post-modern ironic movie directors oh lol let's spoof the spoof of teen life NOBODY took the Breakfast Club at face value anyway you jerks but that ugly-pretty chick in not another teen movie I'd fuck her I'd do her totally up the butt just as long as she didn't invite marylin manson at my party gosh even perndog might show up garggl ARCTIC CIRCLE!

once I drank a bolltl of ink and my oop turnd to an angle I- > IV or V, VI, II, III alternatively mind your tonic

>: I'm mad :( why are you mad? I am sad
>: fuck you :( lol


We're out on a 3-day school trip where we're supposed to unwind before the finals (by then I've completely given up on school and was basically a tourist I came and went. Had to redo a year came face to face with COMPLETE SOCIAL REJECTION omg woe is me quoth the raven, 'Nevermore.') and my idea of a good time was to go to this HORRIBLE SHITTY club with the rest of my class and get shitfaced completely so I did. It was great. That was the first time I really really overdid my drinking too. A NIGHT FULL OF FIRSTS FOR HELM. A NIGHT FULL OF FISTS FOR HELM. FISTS UP THE ANUS. (trust me you'll see)

So I can barely stand up, I've almost passed out next to a gigantic speaker playing the most trite not-even-1992 electronic music with so much overeq'ed bass it would shake my tits off if I weren't wearing a wanderbra

wait, that's really bad writing. I mean, I don't have tits?. Insinuating that I do is not funny? v8 Succo di Pomodoro e Vendure

Valori Medi Per 100ml Valore Energetico

88kj (21 kcal)

Proteine : 0.8g
Carboidrati: 3.3g
DEI QUALI: ZUCCHERI 2.9g
AMIDO:0.4g
GRASSI :0.5g <- WHOA WHAT THE FUCK it's not much but still!
FIBRE: the water so deep and cold



This is some sort of fucked-up defense mechanism. I don't know why I can't keep it straight. Being random isn't funny if you can't pull it of properly. Going on wild tangents and then resuming narration abruptly isn't funny for anyone else than people that have to print this shit and that's just 'cause they charge per extra paragraph space. My sex life isn't funny. People aren't funny. Existence is incomprehensible and lying to ourselves about how funny it is is the worst type of knee-jerk defense ever and nobody understands anything. Nobody knows. Here is a modernized version of some of
E.A.Poe's 'The Raven':

It's in the middle of the night, I feel sick and unhappy,
I'm reading an old book
some shit outside
Sounded like a rapper, rapping at my door.
what the fuck I muttered, while shooting some heroin up my tear-duct
That be it all, bitch


I somehow get up to my feet (it's all a bit blurry from there, I have to rely on second-hand retellings) somehow I make it up to the dance floor and up to this girl

ok so this girl and me have been doing the idle flirting thing for the whole year. It was practically 'what am I going to do this recess I am bored, I'll flirt with Helm' and it was ok with me ('cause she was SHIT HOTT) but I wouldn't Promodoro her 'cause she's been with lots of people CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED but we were 16 years old she she was discussing her very active sex-life with me with different people and basically saying that she's swinging and do I want my penis in her penis collection I looked down and he said NO

Ok call me a STUCK UP AMAZING HOMOFAG but it made sense if you were there at the time. It all boils down to, I can't do it if it's not special. Oh god. Sounds worse than it did in my head. Anyway. I can't do it if it's not special or so I thought.

I go up to her, looking AS TESTIMONY HELD much to my unwillingness to agree pretty rediculous, all drunked-up, smelling alcohol, shaky and cross-eyed or whatever (I haven't seen any cross-eyed people, have you) and I lean over to her, slurr something (nobody remembers to tell me my line, but it must have been something awesome like PRIMO GUSTO PROMODORO BABY) and I lean over to kiss her and I do the exact same thing as that donkey-rapist girl a year ago. I go on the fiercest tongue-wrestling match ever. And -this made such a distinct impression on me I still remember it as if it was yesterday- she wrestled back

The way I picture it in my head is like two people joined at the mouth, bodies completely not touching besides the mouths, bent on inclining angles, engaging in a fierce battle of wills over the complete dominance of all oral motor function, fists clenched, unmovingly stiff, the balance of power sliding from side to side in the primordial struggle for all that is pointless and completely devoid of any sexual charge whatsoever.

Apparently we rubbed each other on each other in the rest room, sorta-fucked (she says penetration was go, I can't see how with so much alcohol, but then again, I was 16, and harbouring a passive-agressive-I'LL-RAPE-YOU-BITCH-RAPE-SOLVES-ANYTHING crush on her) for a few minutes and then I threw up over myself (over my penis) and passed out good. It was my first time with my penis inside a vagina and that I can't recall a funny parallel to write here about how it was says a lot. Or really, it doesn't. What's left to spell out here.

But that's not the bad shit.

I was salvaged by two teachers, and lots of my friends and I was the only one that was pass-out-drunk and it was a big spectacle deathly white and rambling (yes, rambling. Rambling about our DnD ongoing campaign and how I loved my friends while everybody was listening) and they got me into my room and into my bed and waited.

I regain consciousness in levels. It is all black. The sole I. No context. Rediscovering identity. I find my eyes. They're covered by eyelids, tied to two omniescent gravital forces somehow I feel if there is a god THAT'S how heavy his balls are. I struggle like never before. Dawn breaks and shards of pure white blinding light cut through straight to that part of my brain that is a real coward. It runs scared all over the sensitive faggy neurons that decide to call THE MOST AWFUL HEADACHE into existance just because they're dicks over it. My eyes open more and more, everything is out of focus. Myself has a mouth now. And my mouth speaks. And I say "FUCK my virgin-mary" in the voice only somebody that slept with a mouthful of puke can produce. My eyes come into focus, and I am surrounded by the accompanying teachers, several friends and hanger-ons ("omg is he gonna die?" little girls. I was told one cried for me overnight and I didn't even know her at all). They are all silent.

They don't make a big deal out of it. Once they see I'm better (well, better) they excuse themselves to gossip about how so expelled I am. I realize that under the sheets, I am naked. My teachers (3 female and one male 100% JERKS) were around and/or assisted to my complete depantsing and marveled at my pukefied dangling bits, shrunken all the way back to a sunny place where vodka mixes with beer splendidly to create Succi di Promodoro e Vendure.


I remember never having felt like less of a human-being in my life. I've had parts of my face broken in fist-fights face-down in dirty gravel while people kick in your ribs, I've been told in a completely passive way that oh your best friend died in a car accident a few hours ago but that was the ultimate low. It's not fair to the friend-dies thing. It should come first. But it doesn't. This shit hurts way more in retrospect which tells me a lot about penis pride and what really makes humans tick.

Anyway. I take a shower, put on clean clothes, stare at myself in the bathroom mirror, washed in harsh unflattering (I mean, pile it on, dudes, it ain't like it can get any worse) flourescent light for 10 minutes. Put on a good smile and join the rest of everything in the buss. Nobody discusses nothing ever again about anything that has absolutely anything to do with this. The girl only later tells me - in an allarmingly level and dispassionate way - of my promodoro demi performance, later that day while we were looking at prehistoric droppings or whatever at a scheduled museum visit. I told her "I am sorry." She laughed, but it wasn't a cruel laugh.

[BlueOatmeal]

Thats so cool. Someone talked about me in on of their posts! <3

[Anonymous]

Shit, Helm, I wish you'd write a book.

Okay, so this is the story of the first girl I'd ever kissed (Well actually the first was in kindergarten and we had plans to marry and shit, or at least so I'm told because the only thing I distinctly remember about kindergarten was a kid getting a push from a substitute teacher on a swing so hard that he spun around the pole upside-down and I'm pretty sure that didn't actually happen anyway).

THE YEAR WAS 2000 AND A HALF or something, I was 16. I was a huge nerd and only knew about 6 people in my highschool and constantly had embarrasing episodes wherein I'd forget peoples' names and they'd get awkwardly upset. It was summer and I was still at school because I was ASSISTANT DIRECTOR of their summer computer camp and got paid $8 an hour to sit in a room with glass walls and play Icewind Dale. This will probably remain the best job I've ever had in my life. So my friend there brings in some other friends from another school and we all get chummy. There were two girls there, a redhead who unbeknownst to me until months later I'd met something like 6 years previously at a birthday party, and who had managed to get herself molested in that span of time and had some crippling mental issues. Naturally, she was the one I pursued second. The other was a brunette with shoulder-length hair. She seemed kinda nice and as the summer went on I got invited to join her and a friend at a Renaissance festival. So, I went and during the trip she told me she wanted a rose. I went and got a pretteh purple one, which she cradled like a newborn kitten and on the way back I made dork move #1 and worked my arm behind her head after only 40 minutes or something. She leaned on me and we went over to her friend's house, where she sat on my tented trousers and kissed while her friend sat in front of us and played some PSX game and kept making noises to get us to look in a vain attempt to make it look like he was doing something equally awesome. At some point I noticed it felt like I had both the worst gas pain in the world and that my testicles were extremely sensitive, but I didn't want to move or anything cause this was the first time anything remotely like this had happened to me. After an hour or so though it got to be horrible and I had to excuse myself, my erection, and my swollen testicles from the room.

Okay, for those of you who have never been blueballed, I shit you not that it is the worst feeling in the fucking universe. Once in the bathroom, I tugged myself off in roughly the same time it takes OAO to finish a fun-sized Payday bar, replaced a proportionate amount of the water in the toilet with boy batter, then noticed the pain wasn't going away. After waiting a few minutes, I managed to waddle up the stairs and continue the festivites, all while trying to block out the intense, sensitive, bloating pain from my two current worst enemies. From here, we went into the car and drove me home (after getting a phone number haha chojin what won't you think of), and I ran to bed and laid down, then literally cried myself to sleep because the pain was so bad.

The following week I talked to a friend of mine who said 'that girl? and you didn't even get to feel her up? man, when we were doing that, she just put my hands on them...etc, etc.' or something to that effect. So then I set a new date with a BOLD NEW PURPOSE.

We met at my house with her mom dropping her off and threatening death if she didn't call at date end time. She had a SNAPPLE RAIN. We went to the living room I'd spent all day cleaning and I cooly slid in the Mortal Kombat DVD (FUCK YES CHOJIN YOU STILL HAVE IT). I remember being annoyed that sometimes she'd break the making out that ensued to actually try to watch the movie. Remember that, kids - if you want to put in a movie to be background noise for makings out, make sure it isn't something as awesome as mortal kombat or Sub-Zero will fucking cockblock you. Okay, so it was probably actually because she was having second thoughts about this tryst, and remembering my friend's words on the issue, tried to slide my hands down her chest twice, both times meeting with a 'stoooop...' She forgot to call her mom at the ZERO HOUR, so her mom called the house (in theory) but since she didn't actually, no-one picked up. Later when she remembered to call her mother she was irate and came to pick her up. 'See you soon!' 'Bye Eric!' My friend's boss who was friends with was pulling in and says 'Hey, Eric, that your girlfriend?' and in one of those lifetime movie classics moments, I slowly smiled to no-one in particular as if coming to some grand realization and said 'yes.'

So I tried calling her over and over and got no response or anything. After deliberating with my aforementioned feel-up friend, he drove me to her house, since he knew where she lived. I, uh, think I called ahead. Probably not. So, I showed up and it was just her mom there. We sat and talked for a while until the girl showed up, who looked like her heart skipped a beat when she saw me in her house. After putting the groceries away and pulling her mom into another room for a few minutes, she eventually came out and talked with me about nothing worth remembering, apparently.

Never saw her again, really, but word from the grapevine got down to me that she said 'If it was a different situation, people would think I'm a slut, but I just really like making out. It's a hampden thing.' (Hampden here is a poor white trash area but would also appear to be a source of pride for some stupid sluts.)

It wasn't until 2 years later that I kissed another girl and lost my virginity, then had my heart and soul crushed at the end of that 3-month relationship and made a video on my webcam of me trying to sing a sad song and bursting out in tears to help me remember to never be codependent again, which is why Emily feels unfulfilled in our current relationship and will run away with Helm a year from now.

THE END

[Pub Lover]

:)

[AChimp]

NEW! NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN MATERIAL!

This conversation happened a few days after I sent my absolute final apology e-mail to the girl I got all depressed over. It's between my friend Krazy_Nuk and HER. She pissed him off a lot in the previous days by generally being a bitch and making fun of his resume writing skills.

It's not really a *story* but an addition to the old one so f*ck you >:[/quote]

HER lol what's wrong with you?
KRAZY heh..everything?
HER awww. h aha i hear ya there
KRAZY u sure?
HER everything has been pissing me off lately
HER lol
KRAZY oh??
KRAZY like what?
HER assignments!
HER lab partners!
HER you name it!
KRAZY hah
KRAZY assignments, readings, midterms, drivers, my job, my sister, my parents, my friends (or lack thereof), money, computers....the list goes on :S
HER geez... your job? your friends? what's the issues with that? computers are always issues, that's a given
KRAZY always have a problem w/ something
KRAZY so..u check out that email?
hmm, i hear ya.
no offense, but weren't you the one crying to stay out of these affairs?
HER not to be caught in the middle?
KRAZY no offense, but aren't you being a little bitch about the entire situation with mike?
HER how so?
HER and where do you get off calling me a bitch?
KRAZY how not so?
KRAZY every time the poor guy tried to talk to you, you just shoved him off
HER talk about what?
HER why are you getting yourself in the middle of this?
KRAZY it doesn't matter what... Everytime he even said hi you ran away like a little baby He was trying to apologize to you
HER It doesn't concern you.
HER I say hi
KRAZY I'm getting in the middle because you hurt my friend.... It does concern me
HER it's not ur business
KRAZY maybe you should learn to be a little more sensitive to the needs of others rather than just always thinking of yourself
KRAZY and where do u get off telling me it's not my business? Like when graeme pissed you off you got tony to call him That was none of Tony's business
HER I've considered his feelings but i rather not hear him bitch about me in another letter thank you.
HER I never asked him to do antyhing
HER I ranted to him
KRAZY you just don't get it...
HER get that you're trying to protect your friend?
HER io get that
KRAZY whatever.... bye

:lol >:

[The One and Only...]

I shouldn't even dignify this with a response.

Oh, damn... >:

[The One and Only...]

You bastards do realize that I haven't liked Marissa for months now, right? I hate the bitch.

[Sethomas]

See "Losing it" in the old Loveline forum, by Winston Smith.

[Helm]

Oao, you do realize that if you want to contribute to the NOT success of this thread, you have to share a lot, in startling detail and with no regard to saving face, right? I for one believe in you, buddy. I want you to sit there and write up the whole situation, without altering a thing, and post it here.

Chojin: beautiful :tear The only time I got blueballs was when I decided masturbation was bad while watching porn was good. It did not escalate well.

[Sethomas]

I once got blueballs after making out and sleeping with such a beautiful specimen. We didn't fuck because I had no condom on me. :(

[Helm]

because penes can't go anywhere else than in, right?

[Sethomas]

It would have been my first time, so I didn't much trust myself. And I offered to go down on her, but she declined.

[Helm]

You're a fag.

[Perndog]

Settle down, boys.

[Helm]

Make us.

[Perndog]

Don't push my buttons, young man.

[Helm]

Okay enough the second page of my thread is sorely lacking in content. Sorry seth, stop crying. And sorry Perdog, vampires exist. Now let's have a group-hug and continue sharing our horrible love stories.

[GADZOOKS]

This one's a tear jerker or a yuk-yuk depending on how you look at it.

The woman who this story about was at the time,a very pretty girl. Like many of you, we met according to mutual friends. We both had common interest, movies, music, ect. (although she had obsession with radiohead, which i hated but look over, because frankly I wasn't going to get everything I want). This would grow to be the longest relationship I had which would culminate to a point where I move in with her. It was November, and during the winter I would work at this sports bar (I usually worked at a racetrack but it closes in the winter season, blah blah). I worked very odd and sometimes random hours, one day I would work from 7pm to 4am. She worked at a Pet Store so that left me at her apartment for the whole morning and afternoon.

We didn't have an internet at the time, so there was no real drive for me to even touch her computer until really that day. I decide to play minesweeper, although I never really knew how to play. I decided to see if she had any other games. After a short search of her computer, I come across a folder promptly called "New Folder".

When I looked into in it had over 600 Megabytes of porn, which I would find out soon enough, was mostly Lesbian Porn. Which made it even worse it was the pretty girl kinda lesbian porn, it was the fat butch K.D. Lang lookin' dominatrix pissing kind of lesbian porn, not even I could get off on it.

I tried not to think twice about it, but alot of things kept coming into perspective, she ha recently stop using contacts and would wear these ugly thick rimmed ones constantly, and she also started going to a gym frequently after work. She even once said that she wanted to know what it would be like if she got her hair cut very short, but I refused instantly, fearing that she would turn into a stereotypical butch right in front of me. The relationship would go on until sometime before Christmas, where we got into a huge fight over who's place to go for Christmas. each of us were loyal to the cause of going to our own parents that day, it would turn into an ugly argument that would go on beyond other thing to just plain name-calling. It would end with me saying "Why don't you go find some rotten pussy to eat out, you sure like looking at that shit", I regretted saying that not just because that was the endmark of our relationship but their could of been much better ways to say it than how I blurted it out. She would reply to my dismay "Maybe I should, chode." I wish it ended there but yet there was a more shameful display to happen the next day.

She told me I had a little more that 2 hours to move my things out of there. I got the majority of it out except one thing, my dvd collection. I dilly-dallied and the 2 hours ended, and she came out and saw the DVDs still there. She would dumped think all on the floor and started to stomped and kick them. I ran to her trying to grab a few to salvage but as I reached for one movie, she elbowed me with her now very muscular arm and I fell to the ground. I swear of all the DVDs I saw on the ground being crushed as I lay there one of them was Chasing Amy, thanks for the sign God. She began kicking me very hard in the ribs, and I rused for the door, which she would get one last shot at me when she whipped a cereal bowl at my back which really chumbawhumbing hurt. Taking what I had and just been beaten by a girl, I did in what I had left with my pride, got in my car, and went to my mommy's house. :( The would surprisingly be only the second most embarrassing moment in my life, the front runner would be the short video by aunt made with a group of her felines with sunglasses on the called "reservoir cats" but that sad tale is for another time.

I would stay with my parents for a few weeks until my friend got me a good deal on a place in the apartment complex he lives. According to the mutual friend of my ex, she actually attempted a relationship with a woman sometime after me, but she caught her girlfriend charting on her, so much for the wild idea of having a threesome with another girl while I was still with her. I got myself together again, and recovered and would soon fall into a, while a little more boring, happier relationship with a girl who did not have disturbing lesbian porn on her computer.

[soundtest]

right before i started getting serious with my last serious girlfriend, i was at this house party. one of my friends was there with his girlfriend and her friend, so i sat with them and we drank and smoked hash together in one corner of the house while the place kept getting more and more crowded and crazy. so we left and took a cab to a club where we danced and drank more and i ran into a friend of mine who gave me a couple of caps of mesc when i lied and told him it was my birthday. sooo we go back to my friend's girlfriend's apartment (she lived alone) and my friend and i sat at the kitchen table and started doing up the mesc together. the girls had disappeared and we forgot about them. now i don't mean to sound like i'm embelleshing here or anything but these girls were fucking QT. and i'm not talking horsefaced with low self-esteem and abs of steel like the nonsense matt harty brags about... HOT. i'd post pics but i don't have any, and that would be pretty greasy anyway.

anyway, they both run out of the bedroom together wearing just t-shirts and panties. the friend takes off her shirt (so is now just in bra and panties) and hits the gf with it, then they start playing tug of war with it... completely ridiculous... they run back towards teh bedroom and all we hear is "are you guys coming? tee hee".

well my f*cking jaw dropped and so did my can of beer as my friend and i just looked at each other, and got the f*ck in there. unfortunately, i was pretty intoxicated so it was all a bit of a fleshy blur. i woke up the next day with a huge headache but that didn't matter because i felt like a rock star... but it was unbearably awkward so i left and went home. i wanted to relax and watch a movie while smoking some hash, but my hash was GONE because one of those bitches stole it out of my pants pocket while i was asleep! so instead i just bragged to all of my friends about what happened and from then on whenever i saw those girls again it was really really really awkward.

THE END

[Helm]

Gadzooks, thanks for the story. It was hilarious/sad like most good love stories and you didn't have to resort to cheap jokes or anything.

soundtest: the part where you lie about your birthday to score drugs is the lowest of the low >:

[soundtest]

it actually wasn't that low. first off, i'd gotten this boy high many a times in the past. second he had plenty to spare. third, i paid him back later. finally, it was almost sarcastic because i was like "plzzzzzz it's my birthday!" and i don''t think he even believed it, but that was the deciding factor. give me more credit than that!! :melt

[Helm]

That emoticon sums it up, really.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, i fear some of the best moments in my life I've been too fucked up to really enjoy :<

[ziggytrix]

too fucked up to enjoy, or too fucked up to remember if you enjoyed?

[Anonymous]

a little from column a and a little from column b

[Helm]

Next time I'll post a sucessful love story where nothing really amusing happens besides that everything goes well and the penis was happy.

[Dole]

Yeah, i fear some of the best moments in my life I've been too fucked up to really enjoy :<

lightweight

[AChimp]

Okay, here's a story about how I came really, really, really close to having sex with my first (the crazy one) girlfriend: ;) ;)

So there was this one Sunday where she was pretty bored (I was in the middle of doing a bunch of homework and stuff because university sucks am I right guys). She called me up and wanted me to come over right away. This had never happened before (usually it was all, come over in a few hours or some thing k thx) so I was all "Is there something wrong?" and then I was all "Oooooooohhhhh heh heh heh..."

So I ended up driving across the city in record time and I knock on the door. She answers it and she's kinda dressed up nice and stuff and we say hi, what's up, love you and hug as the usual cute couple stuff goes.

So then we just kinda ended up standing there on the landing and talking. I closed the door and was leaning against it and she was leaning against me and then we started kissing between words and stuff and I was all like this is pretty cool.

It was then that I realized she had some really awesome smelling perfume on and it must have been like Axe Effect or something that made me WILD. We started stabbing each other with our tongues and I then realized that perfume smells good but tastes really bad :x but I didn't care am I right guys???

She had a shirt with buttons and that came off really quick and then so did the bra and then we were making out on the stairs (not very comfortable) so then I suggested we go somewhere more comfortable and so said okay and then got up and ran away. Chasing half naked girls around their house is fun especially when you can catch them and carry them to a bed ;) ;)

So then we started going at it and I was all like this foreplay stuff is awesome but I want the secks! Things started heating up and and hands were going everywhere. Hands were on boobies. Tongues were in ears! Nipples were in eyeballs! Hands were in PANTS! :eek And then suddenly she stopped everything and was all like, "I don't think we should do this. I have to go pick up my mom. Want to go to a movie?"

Goddamn I should have jerked off in her washroom or something because I felt really uncomfortable for the whole fucking evening (haha blueballs f*ck you they hurt!) and even after that we didn't get to continue because she was tired. She didn't understand why I was annoyed, either.

A month and a half later we broke up and I felt better.

[FS]

man, that's evil. Rape would have been justified (haha not really girls dont worry I'm a sensitive guy I know what you want to hear).

I'd better not repost my story, this thread's going too well. And none of my real stories are in any way unusual or interesting.

[DeadKennedys]

Hands were on boobies. Tongues were in ears! Nipples were in eyeballs! Hands were in PANTS!

:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol

[Helm]

Noooo FS repost! You must! Remember the secondary archival purpose of this thread. When roger goes insane and everybody will be banned and all the forums locked, at least we will be able to salvage all that is good by saving this one thread.

[Helm]

all that is good about loveline I mean, the other forums have their own great things going for them but here, this is IT

[FS]

Vaginas smell and tastes very good. :) Not melon, but just as good.

Wow. Maybe you can tell us all about the time you-

THE YEAR WAS 2002 AND A HALF, I was wearing a spanky new red suit and a candycane-colored tie tied in a half-hearted attempt at a windsor knot. My underwear had not changed for the past two days but judging from the smell, it could stand the test of time for a little while longer. I had trimmed the hamster to provide for some mediterranneanesque chest hair to puff out of my open collar shirt. It was only when I was well on my way to the local polka bar to enjoy a night on the town when I realized I was wearing sandals instead of my regular square-toed dancing shoes. It would have to do. The moment I stepped into the room and heard the delightful tones of "I just want to polka" bounce down from the stage, I knew in my heart of hearts this would be a night to remember. And as my eyes scanned the bar for potential hotties, I was not disappointed. A comely, rather handsome woman sat on a groaning barstool, emptying one great beerstein after another. She was big, with well-developed knuckles and a charming growth of curly black hair on her forearms. A quick, mischievous peek at her ankles confirmed my expectations: golf socks. I had to grab hold of the bar's signature moosehead, Tall Wally, to prevent from fainting on the spot. At long last, here was my dream woman. Knowing full well that any of the chaps in this room would pounce the moment they laid eyes on her, I moved in for the kill. This beauty was MINE! I nonchalantly shifted onto the empty stool next to her and ordered a moosemilk with a side of moose cheese in moose mousse. While I downed one helping after another, I made frantic attempts at eyecontact with her. Unfortunately, it was hard to tell since her right eye was glass. I finally gathered the courage to give it all or nothing. "Excuse me, miss." I said hoarsely. She turned her head to me and absently brushed at her mustache. The whispery, bristly sounds, like sandpaper caressing a block of wood, sent shivers down my spine. "What you want?" she grunted, her deep voice a melody of sunshine. "I'd hate to trouble you on a night so fine, but I just had to come over and tell you, you're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." She cocked her good eye at me and bared a few teeth, testing my resolve. From the corner of my eye, I noticed one of her thick fists flexing and relaxing. This was the moment of truth. Finally, she turned to her beer again, apparently approving. "Is that so." she said. "Yes, yes it is." I continued eagerly. "In fact, if I may be so bold, I was wondering if you'd fancy a twirl." said I, pointing over my shoulder with my thumb. She contemplated this, her brow furrowing, giving her the appearance of a magnificent silverback gorilla for a moment. "Yeah, alright." she finally answered, and grabbed me by the wrist. A few minutes later, we were king and queen of the dancefloor as we twisted out an almost vulgar polkatango to the band's brilliant medley of classic Siberian folkpolkas. Entranced by the music and the sweet, sour smell of the rapidly darkening patches beneath my conquest's armpits, I ventured a hand onto the uncharted territories of her meaty thigh. Without flinching, she drew back a fist and landed me a spectacular punch in the kidneys. I hastily moved my hand back into international waters and as the band finished, I made an excuse to swiftly pop into the lavatories. Through a pulsing haze of pain, I watched the blue water of the bowl turn a bright shade of purple with my contribution, and felt like crying at the joy of meeting a lady so perfect. I cleaned myself up and rushed outside to ensure myself that this particular lady had not been stolen away by another barfly. But no. She had taken her place at the bar again, drowning her sweet self in alcohol once more. Sucking in a breath, I boldly inquired if she would like to join me at my parents' house, since the folks were gone for the weekend. Telling me "You'd better not try nothin'", she cordially accepted my invitation. Arriving in the comforts of my parental home, I sat her down with a crate of Coors to soothe her sweet thirst, wishing quietly that before this night was over, she would be thirsting for me! As a man of the world, I know exactly what the ladies like, and so I sensually slipped the AI extended version DVD into the slot. I sank into the couch next to her and prepared for what was to come. As the evening slowly grew old, my charming company grew gradually more affectionate towards me, as well as increasingly unstable, slipping into unconsciousness every few minutes and sometimes asking me who I was again. Finally, as the DVD started on its last spin around the spindle, we sank onto the mooseskin rug before the TV, and under the merciful light of Steven Spielberg's and Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece, she made me into a man.

[Dole]

:lol

[Helm]

So beautiful.



Ok, so as promised! Here's my third contribution to the Loveline archival thread. This time it's one of these types of stories that make you a bit jealous and kinda sad because everything went so well so I dunno you might want to skip that one unless you're Matt Heartie (lol) This is I made sex right! and as your supersleuths can deduct from the craftily placed hints, it is the story of my second foray into the wonderful if not occasionally terrifying world of sex after the over-descriptive mess of my last story.

It took me little less than a year to recover and reconsider the idea of persuing sexual gratification via proxy (lol) so this is when I was aaalmost 17 and my hair was maybe a little longer than the last time I discussed it's length with yous peoples for no apparent reason. By now I've come to some startling, stupendus, stark, I wonder who will play Tony Stark in the Iron-Man movie, and other stuff starting with an s, conclusions about men, women and edgar alan poe which to make a long story short, painted me as a cynical man of the world, baudlaire-ish in my tortured demon demeanor and irresistable in my dry, eloquent wit. Basically I talked about philosophy a lot with people that didn't want to hear anything about that shit so I was continiously introduced as "Hey name-of-woman, here's Helm, he's all philosophical and deep and uh, stuff" at which point I'd extend my hand in offer of a traditional handshake, which at the time (and up to today, tobe frank. Hi I'm frank.) I considered a pleasantly antiquated way to greet people. That I'd follow with a long (creepy) stare into the eyes of said woman-speciment and smoothly say 'fancy a brandy? me, no, I don't drink. {look towards the infinite} no, not anymore.' well ok this isn't exactly what I said and this is the no lies thread (besides fat satan who can post whatever he pleases) so I was more like handsake (that part was true) and 'hi' akward pause and then 'so what do you think about x or y or if x equals 2 then if 3x - 5 = y then how much is y' or something you catch my drift small-talk and then suddenly BLAM I bring in god and how he doesn't exist and I've got a closed deal. Believe me it works. Some people get irritated but not in the fuck you god is my buddy he exists I'm not talking to you anymore satan person but rather like no no no god exists let me tell you it's all about love here let me put my tongue up your mouth see (i'm talking about chicks here like, still no homo ok) so anyway I was the rediculous oao person back when I was 17 only I was a bit more charismatic so I could talk to people without actually demanding them to no, answer my question. Answer my question, bitch. Hook me up, bitch. One Two Three Four MOSH!

Which I guess would explain why I kinda like oao and always wished we has just a bit less retarded than he is because AAH SEE MY SELF IN YOUUU and all that.

Anyway once with the god-talk I charmed a lady in asking me to go swiming with her and her girlfriends the next morning. I mean, who knew the unmovable boulder philosophy 101 sophism would go that far, huh? (it was summer or else the go swimming thing would be akward and kinda psycho unless she had, and was talking about an enclosed pool in which case I'd be THERE bitch) but I chickened out because I didn't think she was pretty enough which I guess ties in with my other thing I wanted to say that's important about this story: I was/am very very picky. Which you know, makes no sense since I'm neither very good looking, nor moneyish or sex god (somewhat average, I think) so it really just means that from the limited selection of women that might take an interest in me, I can only be interested in a small sub-selection that please me looks-wise, and from that sub-selection, a further smaller one, those that can speak in thematically linked sentences for reasonable lengths at a time.

So after a while merely practising my god-is-dead-flirting


oh god I just realized why Seth doesnt get many women while he's still trying the same I'm-an-intellectual angle (well the mustache is one thing) it's that seth, you're working the opposite end angle! God *DOES* exist won't get you women! It paints you as this really conservative let-me-recite-poetry-but-oh -only-after-we're-tied-in-holy-matremony type of guy. Unless since I was trying my thing, stuff has become increasingly post-modern and now believing in jesus is being the REAL rebel in which case good job man, just lose the mustache.

I haven't found anyone that really found good enough for my rigorious standards (or I admit I made out with this hot stupid girl but that was just that once she did this thing where she kinda rubbed her face on my neck like a cat it was hot) and then finally, I do. She's very pretty (nice smile) and smart (if not a bit eccentric) and it was one of these cases where for some reason you've completely disregarded this attractive person that has a a secret crush on you for no reason, and then it dawns on you that she's interested and then you realize that you're interested too. Has happened to me twice. Both times with people I was going at english classes with. The second girl was a disaster I'll explain in detail in some further segment of this HELM BARES HIS SOUL thing I've got going. Anyway, It takes a while for me to positively find out she's interested (on my own, jerk >: I was above the ask-her-friend tactics by then) but in the meantime we've developed a friendship thing where I write a GAZILLION tapes of heavy metal music (another approach that strangely works) to her, we talk for 5 hours at night over the phone (I hate that still) and go places for her to shop in. Make a note of that part.

So it's this one night that I'm alone at home, oh I should explain this in a bit of more detail. Do we know each other better now? Do you understand who I am more now? Have I filled in blanks in your mental picture of me? Are we friends now? Can I share stuff with you, message board, that I wouldn't normaly? Ok then. So my dad and my mom are divorced and my mom is crazy so lol I live with my dad. Dad works as a political cartoonist in the newspapers. And so he isn't home at all up to 5 or 6 in the morning (although it isn't that his job is so demanding, he's just obsessed with every aspect of his message-to-the-people understanding of journalism. His morality is as rigid as they come and he is a hard-line marxist to this day. He is also one of the coolest guys ever.) so also because me and my brother don't deal with each other too well, never did, I'm left largely alone, and have been the master of the house in the past 11 years or so. I can cook mean spaghetti (lie, I always eat take-out) too, to enforce the stereotype. So I'm talking with her over the phone in 3 in the morning or something and here she comes out with this torrent of an emotional bearing-all lovelorn confession that to this day I think was one of the most psycho-but-cute things I have ever heard for 3 minutes straight over the phone. I suspect that was a little like achimp's love letter. Anyway, up to that point I had kinda realized her attraction (I usually don't get that stuff at all since I never expect pretty women to find me attractive but come on, talking for 5 hours over the telephone constantly, going shopping come, come come on) and since I was interested too I cut her off as she's reaching the point of where she's ready to accept it if I never wanted to talk to her again because she's abused our friendship with her double-faced affection (lol) and tell her that uh, I liked her too and would she like to have some coffee tommorow. She did. We did. It was nice. In retrospect, there was a slight problem in communicating abstract ideas (I know it sounds faggy but it was very important for me for the other person to understand awful things like the inherent loneliness of man and that even god is alone (when he's not all dead, like) and all about the burden of imagination so I guess I wasn't over the edgar alan poe thing, yet) because frankly, she was intelligent in a very abscent-minded fashion. Not 100% here, really. Which has it's own charm (in the hmm I wonder what she's thinking way) but ultimately grows to become an inseperable oops I mean insurmountable barrier between people. But anyway at that time I was still in the 'I want to get inside your head and plus I want to screw your brains out which is convinient since I'm inside your head already see how that worked out' stage and apparently so was she so all was well.

Jeez let me preview this thing to see how long it is. I wonder what's the threshold before even people that like reading about my lovelife might "go fuck it, it's too long" but I don't know why.

Ok not long enough. I'm compensating for something lolol self-depreciating humour doesn't suit me and really, my penis is above-average in length and girth so I'll just go on with the story

So she comes over a few days later (after I confess that I don't really like coffee and coffee-shops and that telling her that I like her too and would she like to come over tommorow would have been assuming too much) and we make out and she comes over (I couldn't go over, asshole parents. But then again, my house is always empty besides me so can you say Shag Pad? I know I can't) constantly and we make out constantly and it's nice. Not earth-shattering (might have been me, really) but very nice and I'm pedestrian and jaded enough to peg it in the grand list of nice things to do somewhere above 'a great jam session' (non-music people won't get this) and somewhere below 'masturbating furiously, after not having masturbated for weeks'. Yeah, sorry

oh god I just realized I've forgotten her name. Wait. I can't remember. What does that MEAN? Why can you forget the first really pleasant sexual partner you've ever had? Will I forget the names of my favourite artists next? The notes in my songs? This sucks. Wait, wait, I'll remember it. Right. I remembered it. Won't post it 'cause it's in greek and makes no sense, but trust me, I remembered it. All is well.

so yeah sorry, greek-girl-in-question-name, but making out with you wasn't the best thing ever. I feel like such an ass now, but it's true. So we make make make out {talk about sore jaw, tired shoulders (akward positions and lots of reaching for you romantically uninitiated)} and we're uh, a couple. No sex up to that point, and she discussed how she might have not been a virgin by then because she was with this other guy (never saw him) and they almost had drunken sex in a bathroom at a club (I lol) but they couldn't cause 'they couldn't find the hole'. That freaked me out a bit.

So we go out shopping for bathing suits (still summer. see? logical continuity. It tells you my story is true) A giant artifically intelligent robot panda is still president of the US and I'm feeling the pleasant wash of social sucess (matt heartie injects it interveinously every morning) and everything. She likes to shop from uh, 'alternative' cloth shops (to this day I never understood fashion or the various different trends. My clothing style, having lost the spikes and leather metal thing is by this time minimal, jeans or smooth fabric pants (dunno the english name. the comfortable ones) and t-shirts. I don't know and don't care for alterations on a successful sceme) so we go to these dirty run-down flea-market stores that are all together in this part of down-town athens (a very scenic location, in all. Used to bo buy rare records with the mentioned dead friend there) and she browses for bathing suits, occasionally asking for my (underequipped) oppinion on colour clashing and the like. She found this bathing suit that's made of cross-hatched sew fabric (my english fail me) that he likes and decides to go put it on and check if it fits. I'm hanging around outside having a retarded conversation about goa music with the stoned braindead (accumulative stats, there) clerk and then she calls for me from inside the small room. I go by the loose multi-coloured fabric they've fashioned into a door and inquire as to my abrupt summoning (that's how I talk in greek. Really. Well, not really. Not always, really. It's pleasant and high-brow, but not so much it gets annoying. I also don't do it on purpose.) She tells me in a hushed playful voice to "get in here" so I look at the stoned clerk and he looks at me and I make my best passive face and smoothly slip in the dressing room.

She's wearing only the bottom of the bathing suit and she's holding the top on one arm, I do a double-take (not really a big breast person, me, but situation not normal, momentary reasses stall) she tells me that 'the top is too small for her' and grabs me and starts kissing me. Some rough enclosed-space making out ensues and she's more bold than she's been before (the achimp-mentioned hand-in-pants) and I'm not in the mind to fall behind so to make a long story (well not too long, about 10 minutes, cut me a break) short, we had sex for the first time, in the dressing room of an ugly multicoloured-with-drawn-mushrooms-on-walls alternative fashion store while the stoned clerk was listening in. I found the hole just fine. Guess the other guy was either retarded or too drunk or both. When we finished we kinda held close to each other and breathed on each other's necks and caressed flesh, the kind of aftherthought thing "what didn't I get to explore" you know. Anyhow, we get dressed (I was wearing my t-shirt through one arm) and get out and the clerk doesn't really give us the look you'd expect. Pretty much the same stoned-out look. She tells the clerk that the bathing suit is not her size and he goes 'is that right' and I go 'yeah, I checked' and give him an angry look and we leave.

Our relationship ended after about 2 months because she felt that "I wasn't the same person" anymore. I might have contested this if by then I hadn't grown completely out of touch with her and what she wanted from me and her life, so she might as well have been right. She broke it off with a letter which I still have, although it holds no emotional charge for me itself (stuff you file away, basically. Stuff that if you throw away or return, you attribute more importance than they actually have to them in doing so. Leaving them alone in a drawer is what they deserve, really.) and a few months after I start going after this other girl in that said english class, to hilarious results. I'll tell you about that later. Haven't seen the story girl in years, though.

[slavemason]

I recently split up with my wife of nearly ten years. Unsurprisingly, I spent a shitty couple of weeks sitting around drinking and gaining a greater appreciation for those love-gone-bad classic country tunes, very therapeutic.

A few more weeks drag by and I start to enjoy my newfound freedom. About the same time, a new bartender starts working at my favorite bar. She made me forget all about my ex and I proceeded to sling some of my best trash. I sat there and drank up all my money. When she asked if I wanted another, I told her that I was all tapped out. She then offered to buy me a couple of drinks. I took this as a good sign.

I offered to repay my debt by taking her out sometime. So she gave me her number and skipped out like I had her lips in my pants, ready to spank it as soon as I got in the car (I waited till I got home). So we went out and later go back to her place to watch some movie that I can't remember the first thing about. Once I worked up the nerve to kiss her, I was flooded with the tinglies that I had nearly forgotten about. Thinking that a kiss was all I was going to get, I drug that kiss out for what seemed like hours. Then I couldn't control my hands any longer and they stampeded about her hot horizon. Cotton and silk soon took flight.

She was simply delicious but since this was the first time I had been with a different woman in over ten years, my nerves were wrecked to say the least and my performance was one of the sad minutemen. She was understanding of my plight and suggested we just keep working on it. Practice didn't make perfect but it did make great improvements.

Then she went home for the holidays and when she got back, she didn't seem to be as gooey for this goon as before. However she continued to call daily and even slept over a few more times. The whole thing had taken off too fast and quickly lost momentum. I had to tell her that it was hard for me to hang around her in a just-friendly fashion since I still hungered for her hotcakes. So we've agreed to just back off for a while and enjoy each other's company at the bar.

The last thing I need right now is another serious relationship but damn she's saucey. Oh well, at least I got to snag a souvenir from Heartbreak Hotel.

[Helm]

:) That's a nice story.

[DeadKennedys]

smooth fabric pants (dunno the english name. the comfortable ones)

chinos :)

[Helm]

Apparently yes, but mine are black and deep gray, not khaki (ugh) or olive coloured.

[slavemason]

I once went out with this girl who enjoyed sex in public places. Me being a pig, I enjoy sex wherever. So we were at a friend's party one night and he lived in one of those houses that's been turned into several apartments, you know hick-slums.

So me and this girl had become a bit bothered by each others close proximity. Soon we stepped out on the front porch and start up with some heavy petting. I suppose we could have done it there on the sofa, but since there were several other apartments occupied, we knew it wouldn't be long before someone stumbled out. Besides, our friend lived in crack-town and it wasn't the best idea for us to even be out, much less kickin-it biblically. Not to mention, sometimes bums would sleep on that sofa and I'd rather do it on the ground than a bum's bed.

So we go around back of the house where there was a vacant apartment and resumed our activities on this other porch. The great thing about it was that we were right in front of a window of our friend's place, which happened to be right at the refrigerator. Soon there was sexing and people kept walking by to get beer. We could see them clear as a bell. I don't know if they could see us or not and I wasn't too concerned.

There's something exciting about the thought of being caught. Maybe it would save me the trouble of bragging, who knows (you know you want to brag or beat on your chest or something to notify all around that you are the lucky one getting lucky, remember I said I was a pig)? "Hey are you kids rompin' over there?" followed by "Damn Right!" :)

When I typed the fun word for romp, the preview displayed "bloody". What gives? I like dirty words.

[sspadowsky]

This thread may be the best thing that ever happened to I-Mockery. It's like Penthouse Forum but on bad acid.

[slavemason]

I miss sex.
I miss acid.
I really miss sex on acid. :(

[Helm]

It's like Penthouse Forum but on bad acid.

I always thought that was what Loveline was here for.

[Perndog]

Cross hatched sew fabric? Plaid?

I have a very short true frustrating story.

My girlfriend slept over last night and wanted a pair of my shorts to wear to bed (apparently jeans are not so pleasant to sleep in). So I give her the tightest pair I have, but they're still way too big for her (I'm fat) and it looks really funny. But then I'm thinking SWEET LOOSE PANTS I'M GETTIN TO THIRD BASE TONIGHT but there was no hands-in-pants action all night or in the morning either because she stopped me. :(

[Helm]

cockblocked by your own shorts

[ziggytrix]

Cross hatched sew fabric? Plaid?

i think he's referring to the knitting of the fabric, not the color.

[Helm]

Indeed.

[Ninjavenom]

Wool/Cotton polyblend?


Haha, if that's right i win 3 cool points.

I remember once in fifth grade on my first semi-date like thing, i rode my bike down the street to meet up with the girl, my cousin, and his girlfriend. We were going to go ice skating. The lanyard i had in my pocket (they seemed cool at the time :( ) got caught on the bike chain, and i lurched forward and almost did a flip before my face was planted squre into the road. I know that doesn't even come close to comparing to these stories, but it was still pretty fucking embarassing. :(

[DeadKennedys]

This one's pretty sad you might want to cry with me guys ;_;

So I'm 16 at the time, don't have my driver's license for a few more weeks yet but I'm still feelin foxy (not that way :rolleyes)

I have this friend, the desperate virgin type, into good charlotte (BUT ONLY THEIR OLD STUFF) and the like, but a funny great guy. Says to me "I know this girl I think you'd get along really well with." And I say sure let's see it

After school I'm waiting for my mom to come pick me up (shut up) and he brings her over "This is heidi" and she says "Oh, you're that steve guy" and I think it's steven not steve but whatever I play it up cool "Yeah, that's me" and we talk for a little, she flirts and she bounces off. Well, over the next few days, we smile at each other in the hall, make small talk, take walks, until she asks me to "hang out" after school one day, and I give her the "sure" being the cool cat I am. So after that, we walk through some gay forest full of thorns and rocks and all that stuff I hate, and we eat at the China buffet, stole a kid's wallet and rode in shopping carts at Big Lots, and finally decided we'd go to a movie. That was a fuck of a lot of walking, so it was nice to sit down for once. Well, you know the first uncomfortable omg-I-want-to-hold-her-hand 30 minutes of the film where you sit there taking up both armrests like a jerk. Then all of a sudden, she leans her head on my shoulder, finds my hand and strokes it slowly through her hair (:o :o). The movie was over, we walked out hand in hand, we kissed, her ride came and so did mine.

I'd hear rumors of her "liking" me at school, and we hung out a few more times, sometimes at her house, sometimes around town. I finally got the nerve to tell her I "liked her back," but then she started to be kinda aloof and busy and odd when I wanted to hang out. We'd still talk on the instant messengers, where she told me she was a virgin (SHIT) and that she smoked pot and drank (SHIT [this time in the bad way]). I knew by then I'd made my first mistake: Lying about smoking cigarettes myself, so it took a while of patching things up. I was still sick of being avoided when another girl comes along that I like a long time ago and kinda still did and asked me out, and being the stupid fuck I am, gave it little thought and time before saying yes. I blocked heidi from messenger, it was the summer so I didn't have to see her if I didn't want to, and we didn't talk for awhile.

God this is long lemme go pee.... ok

About six months later I get an email from her saying she was so sorry about how she acted, that she loved me too but she was afraid of being hurt like she always had been and didn't know what to do. We talked on the phone and she wanted to see me and see if her feelings (and possibly mine) were still there. I really really wanted to but I tied myself down and avoided her. Mistake number I don't know how many.

Another six months go by and I try talking to her because I felt so shitty about it, and understandably, she didn't want a thing to do with me. I took my leave and we haven't spoken since.

So, I lost a beautiful, wonderful girl with whom I clicked like no other, all because I was a stupid teenager. I ended up breaking up with the other girl, and I also found out that this heidi girl became a slut after me and her; cest la vie :(

[adept_ninja]

ok this is a phone conversation of me and this chick its not funny just plain old weird and I swear to god this is 100% true.

Anyway I had just hooked up with this girl everything was going nice no problems were showing up yet with her. So its about 1 in the morning and we are talking on the phone about some band that she liked but i hated I think it was darkest hour or somthing anyway we are chating and I here her say "oh damn" and im thinking she stubbed her toe or somthing but I ask anyway "whats wrong".....I wish I would have never asked that question because she then said "oh no I cant tell you, you will think im weird" I say to her "no i wont i got tons of things that make me weird" and after a minute of trying to get her to tell me (not to sure why I tried to get it out of her but..) she told me. She said she kept a peice of skin on her wall and it was starting to shrivel up and crack....she asked me if dipping it in water would give it the apperence it once had while it was still attached to her...I told her no I didnt know anything about that subject. She then started saying "you think im a freak now dont you" and I tell her no but my mind is screaming "GOD YES YOU ARE YOU ARE PROLLY GONNA CUT MY ONE-EYED-WONDER-SANKE OFF IF I EVER CROSS YOU"
I then get off the phone and go to bed. We break up later that week but she still has me come over and we still have secks then she stops talking to me. I was bummed out but i realize i was in over my head :(

[DeadKennedys]

Wow.... just, wow. While I read the sentence about the skin my heart stopped beating... that's some freaky shit right there

[Helm]

Oh god a piece of skin? How? Why?

And Dead Kennedys the other story with the girl from english class is close to yours, only I didn't even get to kiss her or anything. We went from being really really interested in each other to her unfathomably avoiding me like hell. I'll tell you guys about that later 'cause I'm freezing right now and I can't type.

Thanks for sharing your stories, guys. I like how there's a 100% less i-mockery faggotry in this thread than most others.

[slavemason]

There's a good chance that tonight may provide another awkward tale. I've got a gig tonight and the girl that does the booking is pretty hot. I met her at this radio show we played a couple of months back (the day after me and my old lady split up as a matter of fact). Needless to say, I wasn't as chipper as I'm capable. Radio Shows are pretty awkward in themselves.

Anyway, a few days later I email a few of the people I met that night to thank them for the invite and explain my glum persona. Everyone replied except for this girl (with legs as long as Mondays and just plain freaky, in a good way).

Later still, I emailed the main DJ guy about more music biz and I mentioned that I hadn't heard from her and that I suspected that she must have been turned off by my sniveling sour mush. He informed me that her computer had been down for weeks. Oh well.

So finally I get a rather lengthy response and she didn't seem to be turned off in the least. Some of it even sounded flirty. So I email her back to line up the show for tonight and I made the pointless offer of a personal tour of my small shitty town with its one, maybe two good bars, thinking that she'd never come down this way. She lives an hour up the road, by the way.

She surprised me when she said that she comes through my town once every three months or so to visit family and that she was going to take that tour. She made the same offer and invited me up, if I was ever bored and looking for something to do. Then she gives me her number and tells me to call her whenever I'd like, because she's quick to get bored at work. All of this seemed to be a little more than the average musician/booking agent relationship. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it.

After my first story on this thread, I know better than to get too excited. But still, I'm enjoying the thrill of the hunt. It's not as rewarding as bagging the prized game, but still it beats sitting around pounding my pud (which is damn enjoyable).

[ziggytrix]

Then she gives me her number and tells me to call her whenever I'd like, because she's quick to get bored at work. All of this seemed to be a little more than the average musician/booking agent relationship. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it.

Could be. In the music biz social networking is instinct. Does she book for a bar, music venue, or what? Is this her career or just something to pay bills? Maybe she likes you and/or your music. Just go with it and enjoy yourself, I'd say.

[Helm]

ziggy, there's bound to be a few interesting tales in you, given your dj raver thing. Share >:

Also, dole. For some reason I'm certain he must have had a few very close encounters with the maddening unfathomable.


Anyway, more! This one's called I WANT TO DISSECT YOU AND BUTCHER YOUR GUTSYOU MOTHERFUCCKnig you get the idea.


So uh, 17, same length of hair as before. There's this very pretty girl in my english class that


wait hold on, I don't feel like typing now. I'll come back to this one later.

[ziggytrix]

i've been trying to think of something... some event that's even remotely interesting, but the whole raver/dj thing doesn't make up for me being socially introverted, so i'll keep thinkin....

[slavemason]

Then she gives me her number and tells me to call her whenever I'd like, because she's quick to get bored at work. All of this seemed to be a little more than the average musician/booking agent relationship. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it.

Could be. In the music biz social networking is instinct. Does she book for a bar, music venue, or what? Is this her career or just something to pay bills? Maybe she likes you and/or your music. Just go with it and enjoy yourself, I'd say.

Most of my dealings with booking agents have been fairly brief...
Agent - "What do you want?"
Me - "How about a gig on ??/??/??"
Agent - "Yes (be here at so and so time for load in)/ No (you guys suck)"
Me - "Thanks for your time"
... with only a couple exceptions. Even those exceptions didn't go much further than that.

So she called me a few minutes ago and it was pretty much all business. Then again she was still at work and sounded rushed (she just does booking for the coffee shop, I think she might have another job too. what a machine).

Still I wonder if her skin is as smooth and soft as her voice.

[AChimp]

When you see her, lick her to find out. :love

[Schimid]

I had a long-distance relationship for upwards of five years. If you've been here for a while, this was the same girl that was making me the Nintendo Origami--she made me a Toad. :D

We met online, talked and stuff, and were the same age (she was a little older because i'm a little young baby) and did the same kinda stuff. She lived in Massechusetts, but we got together a few times...she came down here with her friend, and the next day I begged my mom to drive to MA the very next day.

And she did. <3 my mom.

So a few months later, things've gotten a little...weird, I guess. She's unresponsive, but I figure it'll all be better once I get up there again? Right? Huh? So I buy $142 train tickets from my minimum wage ice-cream job to go up there and see her. I go on an 8 hour train ride to her house, and things're still weird, as she's still unresponsive and whatnot. We go to the mall, and she starts making fun of me. maliciously. But I avoid it, maybe it's her way of breaking the ice. We go down to the Friendly's inside the mall, and order mozzerella sticks, and as we're waiting, she looks me in the eye and goes,

"I think this is just going to be a 'friend' visit."

I nearly died, I was so pissed an' upset. After a few words back and forth, I walk out, but I can't do anything, because her friend (the same one that drove her down to my house) is our ride home. Oh, yeah, and we're going to a party. Great.

So two mind-numbing hours at a really awkward drinking party, where I don't know anyone, we go back to the house, and I give her the obligatory "JUST THINK ABOUT THIS" and "PLEASE JUST SLEEP ON IT" and she, of course, tells me no. I make plans to leave the next day, $142 in the toilet, and I cry myself to sleep on her basement couch. :(

[AChimp]

When your gf starts making fun of you to be mean, then you know for sure that she wants to break up. It's the classic "treat you like shit until you decide it's your idea to break up" tactic. :tear

[HickMan]

Ouch, man. :( That's not too long but still...ouch :(

OK here's my story. Although it is still in progressj =(

It is the last multi-school dance of the year. I was in the 8th grade (shut up), and all the schools come. My school, although had the best dances, was the second smallest around. But the biggest school around is full of 8th graders. So they all come to this dance. It was so packed I remember it was tough just going from point A to point A 1/4.

So all of my buds were all in our little corner, except of the one friend of mine who knows almost everyone at the dance (except the nerds of course) is walking around in the sea of beautiful girls. I decided to walk around too to see if I could meet anyone I knew at all. So I'm walking and I notice this girl who I've never ever noticed before, and I'm really good with faces. She's dancing and having a good time while I'm just staring at her in an almost shock. I can't really describe how beautiful I thought she was. She looked at me, and she did that little seductive eye thing. I was sort of insecure in myself and did not have as much self esteem as I do now, so I looked away.

After a while after the dance ended and I was home for a little while, my friend who knew a lot of people IM'd me and asked if I wanted to talk to this girl. I asked who it was and he described her to me. Immeditly I knew that it was the same girl. So I got to talkin' to her and she seemed nice enough.

A couple weeks go by and I almost forget the whole thing. Until one day

[Schimid]

:suspense :eek

[The One and Only...]

I don't know how this one girl puts up with me after getting pissed at her twice without real justification... but she does. She's at least willing to be a friend.

[mischief]

you are a real piece of work

and by that i mean shut up

[HickMan]

whoops I accidently hit the submit button. :(

I'll just start where I left off :(

I heard that sound of a new messager and it asked if I would accept it. I said yes and all I read was "I've missed you" or something like that. I thought to myself "Hey, I must of made an impression on her if she said this now. " So we got talking again, and then we just talked a lot. A whole lot. Night and day all we did was talk on AIM or the phone. It was great. I knew I was in love with her, and more then once she said to me "I've fallen for you, Clayton. You're so great." We decided to have our first 'date'. I put that word in quotations because it was hardly a date. We decided to go to an ice cream place. I ordered a Root Beef Float, and she ordered a Smoothee. There was NO flirting going on whatsoever. Partly was because I was afraid to. The other part was because her parents were in a car watching her every move. So it was a nice get together where we got to talk face to face. Great, I still love her, even though it didn't go as planned.

That night I again was on AIM and that popular guy IM'd me and asked if I liked her and I of course, said yes. So he responded saying: "I dunno if I should tell you or maybe you should find out on your own." I told him to tell me, so he did. It was a conversation between him and her. It went something like this.

Friend: So you like clayton?
Sarah: Yeah I like him
Friend: You're going out?
(this is the one part that is burned into my memory oh-so vividly) Sarah: lol no
Friend: You know he likes you
Sarah: no were just friends ask him
Friend: o ok

That's pretty much how it went. I was stunned. I didn't know what to think. Maybe it was the way the 'date' went? I don't know. All I knew was that I need to fix it. So I decided to make unbelievibly noticable advances to her. But nothing fased her. This is BY FAR the worst part. She looks at me like a brother. Which isn't terrible. The unbearable part is when she tells me about guys she longs for and wishes they saw her. I always said "There's a right guy out there for you, maybe he's closer then you think." or something.

This went on and on for ONE YEAR. The worst year of my life, by far. Every day I thought about her, longed for her every day of my Freshman year in Highschool.

She supposedly had no clue of how I felt for her until one day when I decided enough is enough. I'm telling her. I'm sick of how she's acting and how she's breaking herself up for guys who just want to f*ck her .

I told her. She did that hollow-appreciative 'awwweee' that girls do online, of course. But still nothing. What did I have to do to get her to like me? I had no clue. Maybe if I bought her a teddy bear. So I did. Nothing. We're still 'Brother and Sister' to her.

So this past summer came along and I tried not to think about her much while I was working at camp. "It's her problem if she's unhappy." I thought. I had two flings over summer vacation. I told her, hoping to God that she would become just the slightest bit jealous. But no. She asked if she was cute. I told her that she was very hot indeed. End of summer vacation.

Back to school. I'm now in a new school and a lot of new oppertunities to find a girl. Some are pretty nice. I had another fling with one. But nothing would make me forget Sarah and how she looks, acts, dances, walks, talks, everything just comes back to her.

This last September she got sick so I bought her some flowers. Another 'AWWEEE THANKS CLAY!' I get a hug, la de dee. Still nothing. One night she tells me that she's liked this one guy for the past four months. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was so unexplainably pissed off that I blocked her for a month straight. The longest I've never talked to her. After that, she made a new name and IM'd me like everything is normal. I decided to forget about all of this terrible shit and just live with the fact that she is one of those unreachable goals people have.

Up until today I am her 'brother' that is all I am. She asks me for help, occasionally calls me for advice in the middle ofthe night, and other such cute things. But she still does not know how much I still love her. I don't know why I still do, but I can't stop it.

THE END

[kellychaos]

As a lonely soldier on deployment in Seoul, South Korea, I wasn't looking for bride ... or even love ... but I almost found it. After hefting a little rice whiskey and a few budweisers with my buddies in the enlisted club, my social prospects birghtened and my love of humanity positively glowed ... and I had this profound idea at the tip of my brain. You know, just beyond my grasp. I just needed a few friends with whom to share this locked-up epiphany. I just felt that the present company wasn't right. I first needed adventure, a journey a change of scenery.

With that, I excused myself and staggered off-base. Perhaps those outside the perimeters of this military world would help unlock this precious knowledge ... the answer to all man's problems ... asians are supposed to be knowledgable about all that metaphysical shit ... but first, one more beer. Primed on my quest, I went downtown. There and only there could I find worthy travel partners on my vision quest. Walk. Walk. Stumble. A momentary seated rest on a curb that seemed more like time travel. Hello, Vertigo! My God, the mission! I do have my orders, after all ... and I'm off. There ... this pissy-smelling place with the authentic western saloon doors looks like a fine start. Upon my entrance, I knew that I was in the right place because a fair korean maiden placed a kiss upon my cheek and exuberantly greeted me with, "You number one GI! I love you soooo muchee! You buy me drink?" With that, I could already tell that we had shared interests ... alcohol and the love of myself. If I'm not careful, she could just sweep me off my combat boots. I decided to take things slow. You can't rush love, you know.

[mischief]

What you are about to read is pitiful and made me ashamed to even post it :( So that's when I realized how perfect it is!

The first time I saw him I was with my friends, he was responding to a call at a nearby apartment. We were all sitting around on the grass trash talking all the friends that weren't there that day, and he walked by with his coworker. He was a security guard in my apartment complex. I knew the other security guard so I used him to get to know Jake. His name wasn't Jake, but that’s what I'll call him, it would feel too weird saying his first name, I guess.

One night a friend and I were sitting outside with a case of beer so we invited him to stay and drink. He loved beer. We got to know each other a little better and from that point on I made it my personal mission to ignore all of the terrible warning signs that he was a complete prick. That didn't matter though, did it? I mean, I could have made him change, right? If I really wanted it, I could, RIGHT?

Another night I came home completely trashed and posted up on the porch, when he walked by he stopped to talk for a minute. I started going on and on about how much I liked him and I started to cry, and when he tried to leave I followed him. That is one of the moments I REALLY try to forget, I felt so pitiful and hopeless and I hardly knew the guy. Did I mention how drunk I was?

When he went to another job I gave him my phone number, I never thought he'd call me but I tried to have hope. 3 months later or so he calls and tells me he never intended to call me but we hung out anyway. Then he feeds me all this bullshit about how much he likes me or whatever. I was stupid then, what can I say. Then I gave him what he REALLY wanted.

After that he'd call maybe once or twice a week sometimes once every two weeks, and we’d hang out, do it, and I'd go home. I had it so bad for this guy, I knew he was using me for sex, but I didn't care. None of that mattered because I was determined to have him, the first time I ever saw him I wanted to have him. I was so stupid. I let this go on for nearly two years like that.

Well every once in a while he'd tell me what I needed to hear, I guess. H'’d tell me that he really did care about me but there was always a reason we stayed the way we did. And when I'd fix the problem, it was always something else.

A week before Christmas he comes and picks me up and we just talk for a few hours. He looked upset. Then he told me that he’d broken up with his girlfriend A WEEK AGO that he’d had for SIX MONTHS because… well get this, because her dad died a couple weeks before, and she went a little crazy on him. So not only did he have a girlfriend, he is completely heartless to her, too. I fought back the tears and was as calm as I could possibly be in that situation. When I got home I cried myself to sleep.

So call me a hopeless romantic, but when he called me 2 weeks later I agreed to hang out with him. We went to his house, and we actually had a good time. We got into it, cause I picked a fight, and wanted to go home. He asked me if it was ok if we took a detour and me being the smart person that I am, agree. We went on The Strip, cruising around. I knew what he was doing. So what did he do? He picked the ugliest, homeliest girl he can find and tells her to follow us. She follows us to the gas station and he asks her if she wants to hang out with us back at his house. Clearly she likes him, she won't even look me in the f*cking eye. I'd never wanted to hurt someone so much in my life. When she asked me if me and him were together I said no. So that's when I gave some chick the go ahead to fuck him. I didn’t realize it then, but I did when I walked in on them fucking. I ran out of his house at 4 in the morning, crying. And I walked a long way home, freezing, bawling my eyes out so loud I’m pretty sure I woke some people up. I haven't heard from him since.

I'm pretty sure he’s fighting in the war currently. He was a weekend warrior for the marine corps. I hope he lost a limb, preferably his p*nis.

That was three years ago tomorrow.

[Helm]

haha I'm sorry mischief but it's totally all your fault. It's not other people's faults they're assholes, it's your fault for letting them savagely penis you.

Also, is this the best thread ever? I think it's the best thread ever.

[mischief]

It's totally my fault. Had I been smarter or something I would have never let him do that :(

[Anonymous]

some guys just love small dogs

WHAT CAN I SAY

[Dole]

Jesus Mischief, dont let anyone walk all over you like that again! That was depressing.

I just spent 10 minutes writing a long tawdry account of a rather entertaining affair with one of my co-workers, when my boss came over and had to do something on my PC so I had to close the browser immediately in case he saw and now I can't be arsed to type it all out again. :posh

[Helm]

next time write in a notepad so that you can save it in a boss moment. And by next time I mean now.

[The One and Only...]

Meh. What the hell. I guess I'll tell ya'll about my post-Marissa days.

So after I stopped liking Marissa, I realize that I like this junior girl, who we will call 1. I talk to 1, and drop hints that I like her... she says aw, that's nice, etc. I ask her for her s/n, get it, and we start to talk to AIM. Eventually, I just come out and tell her that I like her... she says that she doesn't think it would work out right now.

We continue to talk; I let the dating issue sit for a while, occasionally complementing her or something. We didn't talk much in person, despite having a class together. I always felt like there was sort of a barrier. On exam day, after the exam, I sit with her and talk to her... she never looks at me, although she responds. Earlier I had tried to call her and she didn't answer; when I brought it up, she kinda hesitated for a second ("oh, um, yeah" kinda thing) and it looked like she blushed - she said she had gotten a new phone that day, which was actually true, and that she was kinda excited about it. Anyway... it comes to be time for Christmas break, and I ask 1 if she wants to do anything over break. Her excuse is that she is going to Massachusetts over break, which is also true.

So, then, over break, it's revealed to me that a freshman girl likes me, whom we will call 2. In an attempt to find out what I should do, I ask 1's friend if she thinks I have a chance with 1. She says that she thinks I should look into 2, because she doesn't know what 1 thinks about dating guys in lower grades and that 1 really doesn't think she can deal with a boyfriend right now; she also says something about the last thing 1 would want to do is hurt my feelings. 1's friend asks what I plan to do; I said I plan to sleep on it, and that I'm going to try to call 1 tomorrow.

1 doesn't answer my calls (2 times; I tried leaving a message, but decided against it).

At one point, I get start talking to a guy named Mehul about all this, and he sort of feeds my suspicions that she's lying and just sugarcoating everything; I had accused 1 of sugarcoating words before, and she had said that she wasn't, that was the way she really felt. So I IM her friend, and call her a bad liar - she says I must be insecure not to believe what 1 has told me, etc. I persisted in my angry comments, which led to me pissing her off: in the end I said I was sorry, and I did believe 1.

I'm able to wait until 1 returns from Massachusetts. Which leads to a few attempts by me to figure out her stance, which fail, and this conversation:

OAO3405: How's it going?
1: hey
1: good
OAO3405: It's always good when it's going good... but I don't think either of us wants to go to school tomorrow.
1: oh yeah school blahhh
1: it sucks
OAO3405: I always think it's harder after a break.
1: yeah totally
OAO3405: You know, I have to wonder... what are you available to do?
1: what do you mean?
OAO3405: Well, usually when I ask if you want to do something, you're already planning on doing it with other people or something else is coming up. So I thought I'd just make it easier.:-P
OAO3405: You can understand why I'm being so persistant, though, can't you?
1 is away at 10:26:20 PM.
1 returned at 10:27:41 PM.
1 is away at 10:28:39 PM.
1 returned at 10:32:20 PM.
1 is away at 10:32:29 PM.
1 returned at 10:34:01 PM.
1: i'm sorry?
OAO3405: What don't you follow?
OAO3405: Or did you not see those last IMs?
1: oh missed them sorry
OAO3405: Alright... well what I said was:
OAO3405: Well, usually when I ask if you want to do something, you're already planning on doing it with other people or something else is coming up. So I thought I'd just make it easier.:-P
1: oh yeah i guess i'm just busy
1: a busy person
OAO3405: You must be. I guess I'll just have to play thing by ear, then, won't I?
OAO3405: ...and that question isn't rhetorical.
1: play what by ear?
OAO3405: Seeing if you're open to do something.
1: i think now is a good time to tell you jack that i think that just going to be friends
OAO3405: Okay. Thanks for telling me that. That's fine, but why the long wait to tell me that? It would have been better if you had just told me from the beginning.
1: sorry but i tried
1: i said i don't think things would work out
OAO3405: You weren't direct enough. I suspected, but then I'm not one to give up on a suspicion.
OAO3405: Don't think I'm mad at you, I'm not at all. I was just curious what took so long.
1: sorry i thought that was direct enough
1: i guess i thought you would take the hint
OAO3405: Some would, some wouldn't. I'm just a part of the latter.
1: yeah well sorry again
OAO3405: There's nothing to be sorry for. I'm just glad that I found out.
1: ok good
OAO3405: I'm not going to annoy you and ask why, either. That's between you and yourself. Although I do hope that in time we consider each other pretty good friends, because to be honest, I do like your personality. At least what I've seen of it.
1: aw well jack thank you that was very kind
1: you have a good one yourself and stick with it...but now is not the time for anything to happen between us
1: were friends
OAO3405: Alright.
OAO3405: To be honest, we don't even know each other that well right now...
1: yes exactly
OAO3405: Yeah.

(away for a few seconds)

OAO3405: Sorry, had to take care of something.
1: oh ok
1: alright well i'm getting off...later
OAO3405: Plus... I don't know, it always just felt like there was some sort of a barrier before, like things were just kind of awkward. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, but I should have realized when I sensed it that a relationship couldn't really happen with it.
OAO3405: Okay, later.

The very next day...

OAO3405: Hi.
1: hi
OAO3405: Hey, how did you set it up so that it said you were away but had no message?
1: what?
OAO3405: You had the away icon, but you had no away message. I've never seen that done before... just curious.
OAO3405: It's really not important.
1: oh huh sorry couldn't tell ya
OAO3405: That's fine. I really don't know what to say to you anymore... asking how your day went got kind of stale, don't ya think?
OAO3405: Well, I did say I wanted to get to know you better. Anything in particular I should know?
1: hmmm...nope...school sucks
OAO3405: Yeah, I think we agree on that much. There's got to be something that interests you, though...
1: hmmm....not really
OAO3405: Are you intentionally trying not to tell me anything?
OAO3405: I doubt that's all there is to tell.
1: no there's just nothign
OAO3405: Then what is it about you that makes you so interesting?
OAO3405: I guess IM really isn't the best way to get to know someone better, anyway. Then again, I don't exactly get many other chances.
1: hm i guess
OAO3405: Well what do you think I can do about that?
OAO3405: Because I sure as hell don't know.
1: um no
OAO3405: No what?
1: isn't there some girl you like that's a freshman
OAO3405: You've got it backwards, she likes me, and I'm not hitting on you.
1: i didn't say that....but you should just talk to her
1: maybe you'd like her
OAO3405: How in the hell is that related to anything?
OAO3405: YOUR the one who said were friends. If that's what you wanted, the least you could do is act like it, and quite being so defensive. I know your stance.
OAO3405: *you're.
OAO3405: and *quite
OAO3405: *quit
1: wow wow wow...i was just giving advice because you were wondering how to know someone better and i was just telling you mabye you should talk to this girl and get to know her
OAO3405: Well, that's great... but Lauren, even if we're going to just be friends, that still doesn't change that I need to know you better.
1: well i feel like i have nothing to tell...i'm just me
OAO3405: I know, but my point is, a friend is hardly a guy that you only talk to via IM. Make sense?
1: um well some are b/c it's the only time i can talk to them b/c i dont' see them or they live far away... and it has been working pretty well with them
OAO3405: Lauren, even when I do talk to you, you usually won't even make eye contact, especially when I'm closer to you. I don't understand what the hell is with that. If you think you're doing me a favor by acting like you want to know me at all, well, guess what, you're not. The last thing I need is pity. That's what I'm trying to get across.
1: well maybe that's just how i am...maybe i dont' like making eye contact w/ ppl or maybe i'm doing other things when you're talking to me
OAO3405: Or maybe it's not, since you can do that with pretty much every person I've seen you talk to.
1: maybe that's b/c we've been friends for a longer tme
OAO3405: Maybe. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm coming across as a bastard right now... I just don't know what else to do.
1: well let's just drop the whole thing....but look all i said was you should just talk to this other girl she could be really cool
OAO3405: I mean, admit it, Lauren, you were sugarcoating it before, even though that doesn't mean it wasn't true... but fine, I'll drop it.
1: sugarcoating what?
OAO3405: You know exactly what I'm talking about, but I thought we were dropping this.
OAO3405: Thanks for the advice, Lauren, but understand that I'm not in any rush to get into a relationship just to be in one.
1: sugarcoating had nothing to do with what we were talking about in the first place so i was just wondering why you were bringing it up
OAO3405: Because you were, and that got to me. Mehul was right all along, and I knew it... but I'd rather not dwell on it.
1: mehul?? how'd he get into this...but that's not the point...maybe it came off like that to you, and i'm sorry but that's just my part of my personality and it's called being nice
OAO3405: Nice isn't what I want, Lauren. What I wanted was pure, brutal, unadulterated honesty, and nothing but it.
1: well i'm sorry but that's just not me
OAO3405: Lauren, just trust me on this... if you fudge the way you really see things to make it sound nice, in the end it only makes things worse than they had to be.
1: no no it doesn't and that's not how i am....i'm nice b/c i see it that way not b/c i'm trying to make someone feel good
OAO3405: Aren't I proof of why it doesn't work? I would have much rather you just come out and said you didn't find me attractive, you didn't like me, and leave me alone.
OAO3405: Admit it, Lauren. You still aren't being purely honest. Pity is why you said you wanted to be friends.
OAO3405: If you want to be nice, then when you talk to me, be honest, and nothing but. Some people may want it a different way... but I have my own preference for my own reasons. It's much simpler and avoids all the bullshit.
1: i look at ppl mainly through personality and not physical attraction...and i'm sorry if you want me to try to bring you down and tell you that you're stupid or whatever...that's just not right and that's not what i think
OAO3405: I never said you thought I was stupid.
1: that was just an example
OAO3405: In any case, you've certainly earned my respect for sticking up for what you believe in the face of all that.
OAO3405: Now, I think I finally begin to really know you.
1: well truely that's just how i feel
OAO3405: Then I take it you don't feel like your doing this out of pity.
OAO3405: *you're
1: no
OAO3405: Well, then, good.
OAO3405: And yes, I do realize I was an asshole. But I needed to say that. It had to get out sometime or later.
1: well you did a good job of pissing me off tonight...later
OAO3405: I knew I would.
OAO3405: But I had to.
1 is away at 8:12:24 PM.

Following that conversation, I talked to 1's friend, who dropped the hint that I scared 1 off, and I was too aggressive.

The next day, I tried to apologize, but didn't find the chance. So the day after that, I caught her after class and said I was sorry, and that I realized I have been kinda up in her face lately. She said "It's okay Jack, don't worry about it." She finally started looking me in the eyes again.

Now we are talking more, and I'm going to see if she'd mind if I took the seat next to her in class. She's still making eye contact when I talk to her, and now she's started laughing again when I say something funny.

Of course, I ended up having to break it to 2 that I wasn't interested in a relationship with her because I liked someone else, which sucked because now she sounds depressed and I really do want to be her friend. That's life, though... I hope she appreciates my honesty.

[CaptainBubba]

One time I had a crush on a girl and didnt tell her. Nothing came of it.

Another time I had a crush on a girl and never told her. She repeatredly made advances and went so far as to tell me to make out with her. Nothing came of it.

Another time I hated a girl and she tickled me then made out with me.

Another time I went to my little sister's littler friend's b-day party and her 15 year old friend broke up with her boyfriend at the party and me and said 15 year old made out, then the proceeding day I told her I didnt want to date her. She cried and wrote "I love Alex *******" on all the bathroom walls.

Another time I went over to this goth girls house on a regular basis to watch hamtaro, play with kittens, and make out. She had a boyfriend of 6 months and hed call every now and then while I was there and it was akward.

Another time I had this friend who I found attractive and I was like, "Hey, shes cool and pretty. I should put my tongue in her mouth". So I did. We've been dating a year.


No girl has ever turned me down.

[CaptainBubba]

One time I had a crush on a girl and didnt tell her. Nothing came of it.

Another time I had a crush on a girl and never told her. She repeatredly made advances and went so far as to tell me to make out with her. Nothing came of it.

Another time I hated a girl and she tickled me then made out with me.

Another time I went to my little sister's littler friend's b-day party and her 15 year old friend broke up with her boyfriend at the party and me and said 15 year old made out, then the proceeding day I told her I didnt want to date her. She cried and wrote "I love Alex *******" on all the bathroom walls.

Another time I went over to this goth girls house on a regular basis to watch hamtaro, play with kittens, and make out. She had a boyfriend of 6 months and hed call every now and then while I was there and it was akward.

Another time I had this friend who I found attractive and I was like, "Hey, shes cool and pretty. I should put my tongue in her mouth". So I did. We've been dating a year.


No girl has ever turned me down.

[FS]

That was so cool you had to say it twice, huh? >:

And OAO, Jesus, I don't know how many times it's been said, but you've gotta stop being so direct, demanding and invasive, man. No girl wants you to immediately lay out your feelings and compare notes like that, plus if they decide they'd rather transparently lie to you than flat-out tell you no, you should accept that instead of calling them on it. That just makes the situation more awkward and painful.

[The One and Only...]

Well, at least it isn't a total disaster. She is still willing to be friends.

Also note that this girl hasn't had a boyfriend her entire time in highschool for the very reasons she gave me, so I'm not so sure that they really are lies at all. In any case, she's being friendly, so I'm just going to have to take that for what it's worth.

[kellychaos]

More about kitten-owning goth girls.

[Perndog]

I realize that I like this junior girl, who we will call 1.

OAO3405: Well, that's great... but Lauren, even if we're going to just be friends, that still doesn't change that I need to know you better.

:rolleyes

[The One and Only...]

I guess find/replace didn't work.

[Helm]

wow oao, that's a lot of 'ANSWER THE QUESTION. NO. ANSWER. THE. [b]QUESTION![/i]' you got going there.

[The One and Only...]

BTW, what is up with all the freshman girls liking me now? There are about 3 total now, 2 in the past 3 days, plus a senior... of course, only one goes to my school, and that's the one I talk to all the time... strange.

[HickMan]

Pssh. Half of the freshman class likes me, three seinors, one juinor, and six sophomores. Oh and one guy :x

[Perndog]

Pssh. The ENTIRE senior class at my old high school likes me. :rolleyes

It's almost a little sad that I'm not still there to appreciate that all of the little girls that I remember from 9th grade band (I conducted the band for a senior project) are turning 18 now. :(

[Helm]

Though it's pretty low to go for women 3 or 4 years younger than you if they're at the 16-17-18 age, not to mention, illegal!

[Perndog]

In Minnesota, 16 is legal.

[HickMan]

waow :eek

I hope to get the part three of my epic up tonight or tomorrow :(

[Helm]

well it might be legal but it's still low. Leave the 16 year olds for the 16 year olds. And hickman, looking forward to it.

[Perndog]

Don't worry, Mr. Vomit-wang. My girlfriend right now is 19 and I don't plan on going any younger than that.

[AChimp]

In Manitoba, 14 is legal. :eek :x

OAO, all those girls are just messing with you. Marissa probably talked to a bunch of other girls and now every girl in the school knows how much of a schmuck you are and now they wanna get in on the action. Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve.

[Anonymous]

OAO, maybe you should try going out with someone who isn't repulsed by your ridiculous logical approach to subjectiveness, like that freshman girl, just for the practice.

[HickMan]

That really is a good idea.

Oh and my story won't be done for a while I feel.

[MLE]

OAO3405: Maybe. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm coming across as a bastard right now... I just don't know what else to do.
1: well let's just drop the whole thing....

She makes a good point here. At least you're going after a girl who is smarter than your average bowl of pasta.





OAO3405: Nice isn't what I want, Lauren. What I wanted was pure, brutal, unadulterated honesty, and nothing but it.

If you got this even once in your life, you would cry for 4 and a half months.





1: well you did a good job of pissing me off tonight...later

Here is where you leave her alone.

OAO3405: I knew I would.

Probably shouldn't have said that.

OAO3405: But I had to.

Or that either.

[adept_ninja]

OAO3405: In any case, you've certainly earned my respect for sticking up for what you believe in the face of all that.
wow she can die happy now

[MetalMilitia]

either that or naked and ziptied to a radiator aye OAO? ;)

[The One and Only...]

OAO, all those girls are just messing with you. Marissa probably talked to a bunch of other girls and now every girl in the school knows how much of a schmuck you are and now they wanna get in on the action. Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve.

2 of them don't go to my school; the one who does really likes me and has no contact with Marissa.

[The One and Only...]

And I hate double-posting, but MLE is right. I doubt we're ever going to be good friends now, because she thinks it's just kind of awkward with the fact that I like her... so I don't know. Maybe. I'm not going to worry about it.

[Lotida]

Well, at least it isn't a total disaster. She is still willing to be friends.

Are you kidding me?? The reason she is still willing to be friend is because she doesn't want to end up in the trunk of your car someday!! Sheeeeeesh!

You are way to direct and in your face. You want to know your problem....you are terrifying these poor girls. Tone is down Jack or you will never get a girlfriend.

[Perndog]

Lotida is WRONG. Never, ever listen to her.

You can be as direct as you like. But only with girls who already like you. As for the ones who aren't interested, it doesn't matter if you're direct, sneaky, aggressive, passive, assertive, or smooth. You'e already lost.

[Perndog]

However, the way you come across in those AIM questions almost definitely will cause some damage to peaceful platonic relations. But that's not what we're discussing now is it?

[jin]

I live life vicariously through OAO. ;o

[Karl Hungus]

i for one would like OAO to appologize to helm, for throwing his thread into the "one and only's one man sexcapades" file.

[Dole]

Ok, I had a fling with one of the females I worked with at a local radio station. This was last Xmas. She is a fair bit older than me, an actress by trade who has worked for our station for a fair few years. We were very good mates - always confiding in each other and bemoaning the lack of sex/love in our lives etc. We had known each other for a couple of years by this point, and were chatting over our work messenger thing whilst she was presenting a show. I said that I hadn't had sex in far too long, and she replied by saying 'I think we should have sex'. I was a bit gobsmacked, but said 'ok then', and lo and behold, 24 hours later I was standing on her doorstep at about midnight with a bottle of wine in hand, rather nervous. We chatted for a fair while, and then spent the rest of the night in an immensely enjoyable entanglement. This went on for several weeks, us stealing an evening here and there, which was made tricky by the fact she had two shows at two different radio stations and was appearing at the christmas kids show at the theatre in our town. We agreed to keep it quiet so no-one at our station found out, as it would just make life easier. Little did I know she was telling LOADS of people, mostly involved with the show at the theatre. This lady is very well known in my home town, and subsequently any hint of gossip about who she might be shagging was red hot knowledge that lots of people wanted to know. She didnt name me, but told lots of people that it was a young guy (woo hoo! last time I get referred to that way I bet) who had a tattoo on his lower back. So now I find out that everyone is trying to find out who this tattooed mystery shagger is. The chief executive of our town council is asking everyone, the TV star who is the main attraction in the xmas theatre show is desperate to find out, and even discusses it with the AUDIENCE of the show at the theatre!! Lots of regular guests at our station are trying to find out who it is. Luckily, only a few people at the station, mostly my friends, know I have a tattoo. Ultimately, only a few people ever find out it was me, thank fuck. Our local newspaper have an ongoing war with this lady, and would have loved to print something salacious about her, and if our bosses would have found out, they would have stopped us working together..and as she was the station's pride and joy, I would have been moved/sacked/hidden away somewhere.
I have to say, adding this element of secretiveness/danger to the proceedings did make it all incredibly exciting. Especially as our meetings would always be in the wee small hours, with marathon sessions fuelled by champagne in her glamourous apartment. The sex was absolutely amazing, I think we both discovered things we didn't know before!
After a while it started to do my head in, as I was starting to really like her, but knew there was no future in it, and was convinced she was only interested in sex.
About this time, a girl I had liked for a loooong time, who I was in a band with split up with her boyfriend. Next thing I know, we realise we really, REALLY like each other, and get together. I am still with her now a year later. I call the other lady immediately and say I cant see her any more, but it was fun while it lasted etc - I tell her the truth, that msomeone I liked for a long time wants to get together with me. She is really cool about it - or so I think. It turns out she is getting very serious but was too scared to tell me, so is really upset (I find this out from a friend later). The next day, she tells the listeners of her radio station in London the whole story, and how she got dumped at the end, and by the end of her show, the station reception is filled with flowers etc from listeners who tell her how I obviously wasnt worth it.
Her and I are still friends, but nowhere near as close as we were, which I guess was inevitable, but a bit of a shame.
The girl I ended up with from my band and I are completely happy, totally in love, and living together.

[Dole]

Not that the above actually fits the title of this thread. But it is a love story in the end.

[slavemason]

No Dole, I should say you got things back on track. You lucky bastard.

My potentially awkward moment a few nights back was a most uneventful evening. The most memorable thing that came out of it was eating dinner with my drummer and another buddy at this Etiopian restuarant (try not to get bogged down by the obvious jokes therein). The bread was compared to a cold cow stomach.

Anyway, the girl in question shows up late and appeared to be a little spaced out. I didn't know if she was high or just goofier than I remembered. As the evening rolled on, I realized that I really didn't remember hardly anything about her (with the exception of those legs topped by an impressive onion). As it turns out, I was only horny. Now I'm just thirsty.

[Brandon]

You can be as direct as you like. But only with girls who already like you. As for the ones who aren't interested, it doesn't matter if you're direct, sneaky, aggressive, passive, assertive, or smooth. You'e already lost.

However, the way you come across in those AIM questions almost definitely will cause some damage to peaceful platonic relations. But that's not what we're discussing now is it?
Bingo.

What the hell were you trying to do, OAO? Interrogate her? All you needed to complete that scene were hot lights, sodium pentathol, and a "good cop."

SMOOTH AS SILK.

[Helm]

no it's ok, oao can post his thing in this thread. He fits the FRUSTRATING bit to hell so I don't mind.

Last time I was gonna tell you all about this other girl from english class but today on the way home (make a mental note) I remembered this other story which takes priority because of the FRUSTRATION involved. It's called HELM VS HELM-WITH-PENIS and it made me vomit.


So ok hey guys listen up. Have you ever watched french expressionistic films where people walk across plazas in black and white silently, or gaze at each other in bars as total strangers and then say "Is it not life...?" and the other guy with a berett on goes "Qui, qui mes it is." before she blows her cigarette smoke in his mouth by kissing him or something? Ok if you haven't I think I explained the mood of these films enough so you can pretend you've seen them. Seriously, you're not missing anything. That's it. Anyhow, I've had such a moment once, one of the few movie moments of my life and I'm going to share it with you. Bastards.


Ok this one's recent, it happened about 7 months ago and my hair is real long. Now, the reason I am not posting a lot of stuff about my more recent life is because in the last two years of my life I've abstained from sex by choice. So there's not much to tell. Basically a few cases where someone approaches me with romantic interest and I gently turn them down. Nothing really worth telling. The reasons I'm abstaining are longwinded and philosophical and I ain't gonna try to explain them all to you 'cause I'm not trying to get you into bed but the gist of it is: 'I want to be free. The mating instinct (amongst the other instincts) obstructs this attempt at freedom. Deny the instinct to gradually defeat it.' Ok you know enough to understand the rest of this story.

I'm on the athens underground railway, waiting for the train home, as I have to every day after school. The ride from and to is about 1 and a half hour, so I have a few cds to listen to, also a book or magazine to keep myself doing something. So as I struggle to take a cd out of the diskman, replace it in it's case, take another cd out of it's own and put it in the diskman with one hand (kinda difficult) this gorgeous pretty lady walks down the stairs. Now, I've mentioned that I am kinda picky maaaybe maybe too picky but anyway, she was amazing. Brunette, smart eyes, pretty smile, nice figure, you know this doesn't do any justice to anybody. Would you like to be described from head to toe put an adjective in there coma coma list list period there you are. It doesn't work that way. She had something that I really liked about her and if I would dissect her into her segmented pieces (as much as I'd like that) and took each of them and made special, special love to it, it wouldn't be the same as savagely penising the whole of her so you know the type I'm talking about. Irritatingly beautiful, yet not stuck-up, not stupid-looking either oh gosh my formatting sucks. I'll change paragraph here even if it doesn't make any sense.

And the way she looked around it seemed pretty obvious that she was aware of the world around her in at least a more acute way that most stupid people and that's very sexy you know? People understanding people is sexy. Yup. I don't know how much you would agree but I think it is so. So, oh here's the correct place to paragraph but oh well. She's looking around, settles with her back against me. I'm shamelessly inspecting her as much as I can, because as the city life will tell you, you take your pleasures where you can. The particular city road I have to travel through every day is ridden with the worst kind of urban horror you can imagine. It's called 3rd of September and the people in it, we've dubbed September people. Women with burned faces, old junk addict ladies with mini-skirts and emaciated-thin legs, guys with faces made of three different colours, and a lot of cops. So after seeing all the dirt down-town Athens has to offer every day for 2 years, you take your pleasures where you can.

The interesting thing is that, although I am being a total leering bastard, she's doing these cute 'hmm I'm looking around what an interesting subway station" circles around herself every minute or so to look back at me (ok I could have been wrong, but I'll stick to my story until there's some reason not to FUCK YOU). I guess the fact that I was looking at her in a completely resigned manner, not doing a zoolander "I love you" face, but not playing disinterested either, she must have translated that into me being confident. The fact of the matter is I wasn't even prepared to consider that one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life could be interested in me.

So, as I'm starting to realize the little circles are about me, I'm starting to have an INNER STRUGGLE or amazing proportions. My self-doubt, along with my sense of ethics are battling my sexual urge and curiosity over whether I should go talk to her or not. So now, if it were just my ethics fighting the good fight, I'd be leaning towards no more, but as I realize that there's self-doubting translating into fear of rejection, I get mad at myself since I'm trying to be free, not scared. So I'm in a position where if I go to her, I've lost to my instinct, and if I don't, I've lost to my fear. The way I thought about handling it after a few moments of tremendous hidden turmoil is, that I'd go up to her and introduce myself, make a little small talk and then tell her that I find her so amazingly irritatingly cute, but I wouldn't like to persue my urges and goodbye or something. That way, I've shown myself I'm not afraid, and also, I haven't gone against my will to remain a celibate JERK. By the time I've discussed all this with helm, she's replied to a phonecall (the cell phone was kind of a turn-off) and has started walking towards the other way of the station. Apparently, she wasn't doing the circles to look at me, but to look for whomever she was talking to. Defeat. Dispair. Doom. Obviously, it was her boyfriend on the phone, 'cause no woman like that would get to be alone for even one second of her life, and I was a loser talking to himself in his head too fast for comfort. I take a good look at her rear as she walks away, and hey, blame me, assholes.

The train comes, I board it, I put on Maudlin of the Well and think of her a bit. I decide that if I ever see her again I should definately talk to her. Go ahead with my plan or something. Although I was starting to suspect that if I did, I wouldn't be able to keep promises ever 'cause she was so pretty. End of the line, off the train, going to the square to pick a cab for the last 30 minutes of my ride home. Yes, it takes me 2 hours to go to, and back from school. You get used to it.

I find a cab, settle in the back 'cause there's some yuppie jerk in the front that 'hmm' considered it if my route was convinient for him (IT WAS) for 1 minute before okaying the cabbie, and listen to my music. By now I've almost have gotten her out of my mind.

Not 100 meters from where I got on-board, the cabbie is hailed again and pulls over to pick up more customers. It's her, and her (also very pretty from the 2 seconds I looked at her as she got in) friend. She practically sits on my lap as we try to fit in in the back. I automatically say hi to her, and that I saw her in the station and she goes 'oh right yeah' and smiles at me. I look at her for a second or so. My reflex was to introduce myself, but I supressed it due to the cabbie, and the yuppie yucky guy being in there (her friend I didn't mind so much. Elementary school is all about training to go up to girls with their girlfriends around and asking them to dance while their girlfriends supress their giggling). So I don't. I turn my head back slowly and I fix it at the head-rest on the cabbie's seat. I am thinking about a lot of things now, only they don't want to stand in line and get tackled one at a time. I flex my fingers, I snap them (bad habbit) and I generally do my nervous routine. She's talking to her friend (she has a pretty voice too) about random things their studies and whatnot. The other girl mentions her name in replying to her. I am cataloguing everything. I am the sick twisted little OAO in my head that goes 'ANSWER THE QUESTION" every time something they say relies on insider knowledge to make sense of. I am cataloguing. I am judging. I am the GREAT WATCHER. The great watcher is also very nervous. If this were a jim carrey movie, I'd be tossing myself out of the speeding cab and going "bye bye, dead-wood" in a comical voice by now. 2 minutes later, the yucky yuppie guy arrives at his TOTALLY ON ROUTE destination and pays and leaves and good fucking riddance. Then I tell the cab to wait a moment, 'cause I'd like to sit in front for the comfort of the girls. Yeah. I did that. Yup. She goes "oh we don't mind" and I go "it's ok" and open the door. Yeah. Yup. I go sit in front.

They talk, I listen, they laugh, I nervous, she steals looks at me in the mirror, I sigh, cabbie drives. I make my fucking decision. They arrive at their destination, get off, say goodbye, we say goodbye, she looks at me, we drive off.

By now, I'm a nervous wreck. I am feeling totally elated and totally stupid and totally CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED and I want to break things, my arm, the cabbie or all the pretty panda bears in the world it doesn't matter it will do.

The cabbie turns to me and he says "What's wrong with you, man? Why didn't you talk to her? She dug ya and everything!"

I manage to mutter that "here is fine" and yes here's your money no keep the change. I walk the way home.

By the time I'm inside the house, I have a huge migrane and I feel like I swallowed a penis. I vomit and take a depon and lie on the couch. It's fucked me up, most of all that I made that mental promise of talking to her if I see her again, and then when the really improbable happened, not doing it. I feel like a real ass for betraying myself, and frankly pissing on an apportunity for getting to know what seemed like a GREAT girl for my stuck-up ethics.

Later on, I realize I made the right choice, no matter how hard it was at the time, and that being a boring fuck is after all, what I've CHOSEN for myself and not what just 'felt right'. Doesn't feel any better, but then, why should it? I don't sleep much that night, although I'm totally over it by morning.

Can't go to the train station anymore without subconsciously positioning myself in the exact same spot as that time anymore though, and I always scan the ladder every other moment.

[HickMan]

That story seriously was good enough to read twice.

[Perndog]

What if you deny the eating and drinking instincts and fast (no water either) for a couple of weeks?

[The One and Only...]

Are you kidding me?? The reason she is still willing to be friend is because she doesn't want to end up in the trunk of your car someday!! Sheeeeeesh!

You are way to direct and in your face. You want to know your problem....you are terrifying these poor girls. Tone is down Jack or you will never get a girlfriend.

Alright. Well, I did apologize for that, but I'm not sure it really worked.

So here is what I'm going to say over AIM the next chance I get:

Hey, Lauren, listen, I want to say something because I think you took me way too seriously... after that, I don't really want fact that I like you to be brought up again unless there is a good reason too. That's what makes things awkward, if anything. It might take me a couple of IMs to finish it, but let me say what I have to say before you respond, okay?

Look... I'm not exactly sure what it is you thought I meant when I said I liked you, but all that I meant by it was that I find you attractive and I enjoy your company. That's it. It didn't mean anything more, so don't take it as anything more, just think of it as a complement, and leave it at that. There are plenty of girls out there that fit that description, and it talking with them isn't nearly as strange as when I talk to you anymore. Hell, when we first started talking this year, it wasn't strange, either.

You see, when I asked you out, it wasn't because I thought that a relationship would work, it was because I wanted to see if it might. To test it. That's all the first couple of dates are, at least in my opinion. That's when you find out if something could work... but that isn't really my point.

My point is that I'm not some creep who stares at you all the time, which you must think I am, because yes, it is really wierd now when you talk to me... if you do at all. Yes, I know I came off as really aggressive and confrontational, and if I could change that, I would, but I can't. I'm not saying we're going to become the buddy-buddy best of friends, but I am saying that maybe you took me the wrong way, and we got off on the wrong foot. I just want to clear the air and set the record straight. Alright?

...

Tell me what you think, because that is the honest way that I meant it.

[sspadowsky]

You pick at your scabs a lot, don't you?

[Perndog]

What he said. ^

[The One and Only...]

So... I shouldn't say that, then. I guess you're trying to say that it will only mending any kind of relationship that much harder and more awkward?

[adept_ninja]

what hes saying is you just hit a dead horse with a truck after beating it

[Guitar Woman]

and starving it for weeks.

[HickMan]

thanks spaz!

[Guitar Woman]

No problem. ;)

[derrida]

for the rest of my life i will be treated to hypnagogic recollections of events of two types: not fucking someone who deserves it, and not punching someone who deserves it.

A STORY OF WOE

WHERE WE LAY OUR SCENE: a motel room on the Jersey coast in mid-January.

PARTICIPANTS: my best friend, his girlfriend, my girlfriend, two of her friends. and me.

consumption of MGD and "nice" vodka and general merriment befitting a birthday celebration begins around 9. "Nice" vodka is exhausted around 12 and reserve of travellers club in plastic bottles are deployed.

Two of the girls start to kiss. My girlfriend asks me if I like what I see. "This is the best birthday ever"

"It'll get better" she says, and leans over and kisses the girl next to her.

"What the fuck are you doing?" i yell at her. "You fucking skank whore!"

her eyes widen and she cringes as I grab her arm and push the other girl away. "Cheating is cheating!"

I puke in the motel bathroom toilet.

While washing the vomit out of my mouth with the courtesy toothpaste (no drunken stupor will keep proper hygiene from its rightful place) I overhear the voice of my girlfriend's friend:

"He's definitely too drunk to fuck."

I enter the room and begin to protest, offering a display of my capable erection as proof to the contrary, but alack, I pass out in a chair.

THE END

[Lotida]

Lotida is WRONG. Never, ever listen to her.



Did Satan tell you that?

[Lotida]

Tell me what you think, because that is the honest way that I meant it.

Jack, PLEASE do not say all that to that girl. You will really scare her off then. It's too much detail. Nobody talks like that. If I were you I wouldn't bring it up again. Just be cool and try and be her friend. Don't be pushy....be casual. Don't drill her with your questions, which you will undoubtedly do after you tell her all that stuff. You will want to know what she thinks about it, if she understands, etc.. etc.. You'll do it... You know how you are! You don't have to explain every one of your actions in such extreme detail.

Or...you could listen to Satan and be lonely forever. It's your choice!! :)

[ziggytrix]

Just tell her you're sorry for making her mad.

[BlueOatmeal]

Sometimes saying too much is a bad thing. Keep it short and sweet.

[EisigerBiskuit]

If anything it should be done with a phone call. Shorter and less confrentation. Blah

[Anonymous]

Actually that wasn't too bad, except for how you keep making it seem like it was her fault. Don't tell her she misunderstood, tell her you failed to convey it in an understandable way. Even if the former were the truth, which it's not.

[GADZOOKS]

BIZZARE LOVE TRIANGLE

[DeadKennedys]

In the immortal words of Raphael "Even beasts know when to give up"

[Dole]

OAO: jesus, you need help. Dont send the girl speeches, if you asked her out and she said no just leave it at that. Talk normally to her...you will just freak her out otherwise.
Otherwise it will turn into the aim version of the answerphone scene in swingers.

[Helm]

He can't talk normally. It's not that bad. You can work around that. Talk however you want, oao, just GROW SOME BALLS so that when you're shot down, you pick yourself up and go about your business like nothing has happened. Remember my uncle. NEVER BROKE HIS STRIDE. Reverse karma.

[sspadowsky]

So... I shouldn't say that, then. I guess you're trying to say that it will only mending any kind of relationship that much harder and more awkward?

No, what I'm saying is that this chick has clearly made her point. Since all your smarts come from books, I'll spell it out for you. By saying "just friends," she means "leave me the hell alone- I don't want to talk to you unless it's absolutely unavoidable."

And the sooner you shut the hell up and leave this girl alone, the sooner you'll lose the appearance of a serial-killer-in-training, which is exactly what you look like.

[Sojourn]

There is a quiet dignity in taking it on the chin, accepting rejection and moving forward.

[Dole]

Sspad put it better than I did, listen to sense!

[AChimp]

Come on, this is OAO we're talking about here. When did he ever do anything that made sense when girls are involved?

[Mockery]

This thread is great. Haven't had time to read it all yet, but definitely some good stories so far. I'll share a short one since I'm here at work and don't have much time.

When I was a wee lad, I had a crush on this girl. We went out on one date and it, being one of my first dates, was awkward to say the least. Still, we continued to talk and hangout here 'n there and then Valentine's Day was rolling around. Being the genius that I was, I thought to myself, "This is it! Girls love Valentine's Day! I'll get her some flowers and then she'll swoon for me!"

So, I get her a bouqet of roses, but to make it extra special, I decided to get up really early in the morning and leave them at her house rather than give them to her at school like all the other uncreative guys would be doing. So I get to her house at like 5am and leave the box of roses on the front steps to her house.

She comes into school that day and gives me a big hug (what no kiss? :( ) and tells me how sweet it was. But the flowers were kind of messed up for her. Why? Here's the kicker...

I hadn't factored into my plan the idea of her father waking up early in the morning to go into work. Her dad left the house at 6am and started walking down the stairs. He didnt' even see the flowers, stepped on them, slipped on them, fell down the stairs, and sprained his ankle.

We never went out again.

:failure

[HickMan]

Ouch, Mock. That would be something in one of those "Teen Love Comedies".

[kellychaos]

Are all these stories meant to be sad? Why can't we have a happy story where someone, in an alcoholic stupor, had managed to evade sexual relations with someone he would not have even considered otherwise? :happyending

[Helm]

I guess you must like your frustration to be over happy stuff.

[The One and Only...]

Jack, PLEASE do not say all that to that girl. You will really scare her off then. It's too much detail. Nobody talks like that. If I were you I wouldn't bring it up again. Just be cool and try and be her friend. Don't be pushy....be casual. Don't drill her with your questions, which you will undoubtedly do after you tell her all that stuff. You will want to know what she thinks about it, if she understands, etc.. etc.. You'll do it... You know how you are! You don't have to explain every one of your actions in such extreme detail.

Or...you could listen to Satan and be lonely forever. It's your choice!! :)

I think I'll take Lotida's advice. This is the girl you said is wiling to be friends earlier, so ya know... just see how it goes.

[Helm]

Ok thanks OAO.

[adept_ninja]

Why dont you just stop talking to this girl. Theyre is no way you will get her even when she is drunk or somthing. Is this friendship of your s that valuable? Just accept defeat and dont talk to her anymore.

[Lotida]

I think I'll take Lotida's advice. This is the girl you said is wiling to be friends earlier, so ya know... just see how it goes.

Good Luck Jack!! :)


To the rest of you guys........ you could learn something from Jack!! You should all take my advice!! :conspiracy

[Helm]

no 'cause you suck

[Dole]

you could learn something from Jack!!

Fencing? How to make people want to beat you up? how to alienate every girl who so much as throws you a sideways glance??

[Sojourn]

They do offer "enrichment" courses in every local high school. I don't think one actually gets a "grade" as much as an even more thorough humilation degree in the back recesses of the boy's room.

Or the girl's room in some cases. I feel he is doing remarkably well on his crash courses here on the net though.

[The One and Only...]

Good Luck Jack!! :)

Thanks.

As far as dating relationships go, I'm either going to look towards a girl who has been an acquaintance of mine for years and I just realized is incredibly sexy, Lauren's friend who I end up talking to more often than Lauren at this point, that freshman chick that likes me, that freshman chick that liked me in middle school and said something like she's still into me, that freshman chick that I met today and talked to in the lunchline, that freshman chick from the other school, that other freshman chick from the other school, or someone else entirely.

And no, this isn't offtopic, since my life is an ongoing incredibly true love story.

[HickMan]

OR you could just live your life and wait for the right girl to come.

[Schimid]

If you chase it, it runs away. It's nature. >:

I'm surprised that I haven't seen Blue Oatmeal's "too drunk to fuck" story.

[Lotida]

no 'cause you suck

How do you know?

[Helm]

Lotida, for the benefit of the thread let's drop it.

This thread is slowly winding down which I guess is ok. Unless someone has something to add, I'm going to ask for this to be locked soon. Gonna cash in all my i-mockery prilivedges that I got after donating money to the site to move this one to thread backups. Still amazed at the relatively small amount of stupidity we had to deal with in this thread and I'd like to keep it that way rather than see it slowly descend to the 'bump a month', 'kellychaos makes joke' pits of usual retardedness.

Cheers on the gigh quality, guys and girl.

[Karl Hungus]

I have a final story to add.

It was a cold january night, me and two ladies whom i had been spending quite some time with decided that this night was a fine one to drink, so we went through the usual methods of getting alcohol while still a minor, Popov Vodka in this case. Now if any of you have ever had this you will know, the taste is somewhere between gasoline and disinfectant. After getting this mighty gallon of booze, we returned to my house, but went to a motorhome which my parents keep parked in a lot next to our house.

After nursing a few cups of this hooch, none of us were feeling quite like ourselves. About this time one of the young ladies turns to the other and exclaims "you know, i've always wanted to kiss you." Me being the good host that i am i say , "well then why don't you do it?" Immediately after this, they go to town on eachothers faces, tounges flying everywhere, the usual drunken make out session, between two female "best friends".

Apparently this wasn't quite enough for them, and one of them viciously attacks my face with her mouth, this went on for a bit, until we were all feeling a bit hot and bothered, so we moved this venture into one of the single beds in the back of said motorhome. This led to lots of dry humping amongst three people, when one of the girls apparently regained enough sobriety to "get tired". This left me and the other female, tearing at eachothers clothing like ravenous wolves, while the other "slept" soundly next to us.

Well, not to go into much detail, it was a night of the devils business. and when early morning arrived, the gals decided it was leave and perhaps inform the proper authorities, leaving me by myself in the single bed. About 10 minutes after their car pulls away, i hear someone coming to my newfound sin palace, and in walks my father, he looks at the clothing strewn about the motorhome, the bottle of vodka,and my disgusting grin. he then looks me directly in the eye and says "Well, atleast you're not gay" then promptly turns around and leaves.



THE END.

[Karl Hungus]

suave = a male who enjoys the company of other males.

[Helm]

Excellent. Can you remember any of the actual sensations and feelings? I couldn't after my night of intoxicated deflowering.

[Dole]

So thats it....you just want some porn to read, don't you?

[HickMan]

Alright. Since this thread might be locked and put in the thread backups soon, I guess I have to post part three. I was just waiting for the happy ending to occur. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

HERE I GO

So Sarah loves me. Like a brother. She asks for help and I give it to her. I'm always there for her through thick and thin. Good times and bad. Until about the night after I posted part two. Because I thought about it a lot and I just wanted to tell her I loved her. In private, on my knees. One last shot. I decided to add in some roses, too.

"Oh Clayton...You've been the best to me. I love you so much." I knew it. I was IN this time. I could feel it. She was getting teary. I got back up from my romantic kneel thingy, I looked her straight in the eyes, and we both kissed. It was the best kiss I've ever had in my life. So satisfying, oh so satisfying.

After that, I left her house. I didn't want to drag on the moment. It's always better when you leave when it's CLIMATIC. So I go home and go on the computer. We talk for a couple hours again. Me telling her how much I love her and whatnot. She calls me and we talk again. Just like when we first met. Always talking and never running out of stuff to talk about.

The next day I had to make a bold move. The day this happened was a week or so after New Years Eve. Now, on New Year's Eve, I went to a party. Had a couple drinks, and lost my virginity to a girl who I don't even know. I had to tell Sarah, because if she didn't find out, she might be told by someone else, which would be even worse. Sarah and I also talked about how we both wanted to stay 'clean' until we met the right person.

So I decided to wait until that night and wait for her to call me. I hate having conversations like those on IM because it doesn't give the same effect. That effect that might just save my ass. So she calls, of course. We talk for a little while about nonsense, what she did today, and stuff like that. Then there was an akward pause. I decided to go for it. It went something like this:

Me: Sarah..?
Sarah: Yes, Clayton?
Me: We need to discuss something..
Sarah: What would that be?
Me: Remember when I said I was a virgin?
Sarah: ...Yes...
Me: Well..actually, I'm not.
Sarah: What?
Me: Yeah..
Sarah: When did this happen?
Me: New Year's Eve.
Sarah: Why didn't you tell me before?
Me: I was planning on to...but I dunno..Does it really matter?
Sarah: Yes it matters! I love you Clayton!
Me: I know..I love you too.
Sarah: Then why did you do it?
Me: I don't know! I was drunk!
Sarah: Who was it?
Me: I don't know.
Sarah: So you fucked a stranger!?
Me: Yes. But it doesnt matter now! We can still be together!
Sarah: I trusted you. Now I can't.
Me: Sarah..Please don't do this.
Sarah: I have to get some rest..I'll call you tomorrow.

She hangs up. I decide it'd be best to get some sleep too. The next day rolls around. She's been moping around all day, she told me. She also talked to some of her friends. Saying that I'm not worth her time. Also, he'll just do it again. I guess they didn't realize that it was an accident. A really stupid move, but I meant no harm. Besides, at that time, I kinda wanted to forget about her.

So we're talking on the phone. She says that she loves me, but I broke her heart. Maybe someday we can make it work, but not now. I understood. Maybe it's all for the best we don't go out now. I don't know. Right now we're not talking much. She said that maybe we both should have a break from each other.

[derrida]

That story made me cry hickman

sex doesnt mean anything if you dont want it to. sometimes u just need to nut.

and you told the truth and still came out as a liar

i guess you'll have to wait till she has a drunken indiscretion of her own before she realizes that its the people inside the skin that matter :(

[AChimp]

I disagree. Hickman screwed up hardcore and that's why his story belongs in this thread. :(

[opel]

i guess you'll have to wait till she has a drunken indiscretion of her own before she realizes that its the people inside the skin that matter

:rolleyes Oh...man if only Hickman had of hit her with that line.

[HickMan]

I disagree. Hickman screwed up hardcore and that's why his story belongs in this thread. :(

True. I did screw up and now I'm paying for it big time :(

What a great kiss that was :tear

[kellychaos]

I disagree. Hickman screwed up hardcore and that's why his story belongs in this thread. :(

By doing it or admitting it?

[derrida]

i guess you'll have to wait till she has a drunken indiscretion of her own before she realizes that its the people inside the skin that matter

:rolleyes Oh...man if only Hickman had of hit her with that line.

Nah, I was just kidding. It's an intact hymen that really matters.

[AChimp]

By doing it or admitting it?
By doing IT of course :lol

[Helm]

ok Chojin please lock my thread now.