The Rage Virus has taken me.

[James]

As opposed to the Rape Virus, which unfortunately, has also taken me. :tear

-Since this thread would get moved to Loveline anyway, I'm starting it here. And yes, this thread DOES involve a girl! OH FUCK A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX JAMESMAN IS ON THE LOOSE AGAIN!
-I'm not looking for advice, just opinions. People always seem to think I make these threads so they can run my life for me. I just want input, to inform myself on how you hu-mans life your Earth lives.


Over the summer, a 2-year-friendship was quietly ended. It was ended due to things that infuriated and disgusted me. However, none of this ever came up. I told them to pretty much never talk to me again, and they obliged (to the point of not even responding to me saying that). So it's safe to assume the hate is mutual, though I still have no idea why they would be angry at me.

Since then, I've dealt with a lot of pent-up anger over them and the situation. And that anger has translated over into affecting other friendships, to the point where I feel the need to end other friendships simply because they can be associated to this person in some way. It's also prevented me from bothering to make friends with anyone else. Since this happened in August, and it's now March, I'm thinking there's a problem. I'm still angry, and now my friend list is significantly shorter (anticipating clever jokes about me having no friends).

My thoughts are that by having all those emotions, and the friendship ending as quietly and confusingly as it did, the emotions had nowhere to be vented. This leads me to think I should talk to the ex-friend and unleash the fury.

This isn't about some sort of revenge. They're not worth trying to hurt, especially since I know they WOULDN'T be hurt, and putting any effort into trying and failing would just hurt me. This is about trying to get these emotions out before I go crazy (which has already happened). I'd be willing to admit that there are some lingering hopes I could hurt them, but that's because it is human instinct to want revenge. But I stand firm that revenge wouldn't be the motive, for reasons I just stated.

Now, does this make any sense to any of you? If you've been in similar situations, how did you deal with anger that just won't go away? If you confronted the person or situation making you angry, did getting it all out make you feel better?

[AChimp]

So, uh... are you getting mad about how other people are choosing to live their lives? Cuz I seem to recall something like that happening in the past. You're mad that they didn't mad at you for being mad at them. You didn't get to have your big fight, so there was no make-up sex.

What will "confronting" them prove? They probably don't even give a shit, and you'll just end up looking like a weirdo, especially 8 months later.

[adept_ninja]

seems like your letting this get to you to much. I dont think even if you did yell and scream at this person you would feel all better anyway

[James]

So, uh... are you getting mad about how other people are choosing to live their lives?

No, I'm more mad at how I was treated by the person. And you have a point about bringing it back up so long after it's all been said and done.

I'm not mad that we didn't get to have a big fight. I'm just confused because I don't/didn't know what was going through their mind. That just seems to contribute to the lack of resolution in my own life. And I'm not trying to prove anything. I'm just trying to figure out how not to be so mad anymore. :/

[AChimp]

I recommend that you forget about it. It takes time, believe me, I know all about that, but eventually you just start to realize that it doesn't matter anymore. You have to accept the fact that you probably will never know what was going on in the other person's head.

[Helm]

James, don't expect much from people. I don't mean this in a gothomgstabface way people will hurt you wahh wahh wahh. I mean it's I think, actually more proper to not expect people to live like you live or understand things that you may consider 'common sense'. In that light, any relationship you create with other people should be able to go from 'best buddies in the world' to 'no strings attached I will never call you again' at the drop of a hat. That should be in the open. Don't depend. Don't expect. There's nothing more arrogant than 'being dissapointed in people', because it passively paints you as being above them, having a moral highground that I don't think really exists, and this all only happens to help you cope with rejection. The only one that has to live up to your own expectations, is you.

[James]

I recommend that you forget about it. It takes time, believe me, I know all about that, but eventually you just start to realize that it doesn't matter anymore. You have to accept the fact that you probably will never know what was going on in the other person's head.

Yeah, I'm not really trying to solve the mystery. Knowing what they're thinking won't make me feel any better, and it's a moot point as it is. I'd certainly not be looking to make up or talk things out with the person.

My problem is I'm not trying to set out to keep hating this person. I've done my best to forget about them, including giving up friendships and interests just to stay out of any association to them. I can go on and live my life without giving them a thought... until out of the blue, I'll just become furious.

A good example is how I had a dream a month or two ago about her, and I woke up angry, and STAYED angry for about a week. Thinking just about that dream makes me angry. So for as much as I try to forget about them (essentially running away from the problem) I still seem unable to shake random fits of anger toward them, which gets bottled up or displaced upon others. And I really don't like that.

Helm, I get what you're saying. Arrogancy or no, I admit that she ended up taking paths in her life that ended up causing too much conflict in regards to my wanting to be friends with her. It wasn't so much disappointment, as it was that we were just different people, and I finally realized that after two years of what I considered a close friendship. I can accept that with some pain of loss, and move on. I think my anger really just stems from other issues relating to our friendship, rather than how they live their life. Subconsciously, that could be a whole other story.

If any of that makes sense.

[Geggy]

you have attachment problems....you need to see a therapist.

[MetalMilitia]

Interesting thread.

If you dont mind me asking what was the thing which caused you to stop wanting to be friends which said girl?

It must have been pretty bad for you to be harbouring this much pent up anger.

[Helm]

although what the person with the green avatar said sounds rude, he's probably right. Although I'm not sure if therapists will really help you in an essential way (ie understanding what the hell is going on) they might help you get over it. I still wouldn't suggest giving loads of cash to people so you can cry on their shoulder though. If you get sudden fits of ANGER (real real ANGER! anger) then there's something going on on the biochemical level which none here will be able to advise you on. Some sort of anxiety or neurosis. It might go away in time, as almost anything will.

[NOT Jixby Phillips]

testing sig (I hope you dont mind, james)

[AChimp]

I agree with Helm.

It took me many months to completely get over my last "relationship." For a long time, I would still jerk my head around when I saw someone with the same colour jacket as she had (yellow, not common around here). Did I have dreams? Yeah, and a lot of them ended up making me feel shitty for a few days. In the end, though, I realized that it's not worth turning yourself into a wreck over.

You need to think about what it is specifically that's making you angry, and then address that.

In the end, it was the dreams that truly helped me crawl out of the pit that I had dug for myself. I think that dreams are the brain's way of sorting out a lot of different things. I ended up dreaming that I was talking with her, and I said, "I want things that are important to me to be perfect." That said it all. Once I figured that bit out, I was able to realize that expecting something like a relationship to be perfect was only going to make me a depressed loser for the rest of my life.

Now I am free to at least be just a loser, without the moping and ruminating. :)

[ziggytrix]

I'm not looking for advice, just opinions.

OK, you are creepy and obsessive - do what you will with that. :(

[davinxtk]

Chimp and Helm seem to have it covered, but I'd just like to say that I went through something similar very recently. I got rid of a friend of mine (and in doing so detatched myself from good friends of mine for 5+ years that she had just moved in with) because she was being a selfish bitch. We started talking again some months later, and for a time things seemed to be back to normal, good friends again. But she started, again, taking advantage of how good I am to the people who are close to me, and showed me once again how selfish she really was. I told her never to talk to me again, and for a while I was still pretty broken up about it. Even at this point, looking back, I wish I had the friendship we started off to have back in '99, but she changed so much over the years that I just can't stand what she's become.

If she treated you badly, took advantage of your friendship, left you longing for something, or anything along those lines, you're way better off without her. It doesn't get you anywhere to beat yourself up over people, especially this long after the fact. I know it's lame, but when you get angry, try and breathe and clear your mind, think of how much happier you are without having to think about her all the time.

And if you haven't seen it yet, watch I <3 Huckabees. There's a bit to be said about human suffering.

[Geggy]

off the point but i wanted to remind helm that it wasnt in my intention to be rude, i was telling like it is. there's a huge difference between the two.

if there's anything that pisses me off, it's the people's inability to deal with the truth.

[James]

if there's anything that pisses me off, it's the people's inability to deal with the truth.

I... didn't even say anything about what you said, so how can I be pissing you off with my inability to deal with it? :/

To be honest though, my anger is more subconscious than anything. I may or may not have attachment issues, but I'm not setting out to get angry or to think about this person. It only happens out of the blue, when I don't seem to have any control over it.

[Alive]

You used the term "them" when this is over a girl? did your girlfriend leave you for your best friend/ or friend? if so its more you being mad at yourself for not being able to deal with it so casualy as they seem to be. if this is the case i wouldnt want to deal with that situation anymore myself and would just let them go -and keep a lose connection with any 3rd party friends that are involved (thru association) for awhile until the smoke clears -then you would be able to see who your friends really are. (i would assume ) who would want to hang around to see there "ex" sexing up there best friend/friend(s) anyhow? unless your into that sort of thing :)

[ziggytrix]

I bet you 100 dollars the situation is nowhere near that normal.

I'd also bet 100 dollars the other parties "involved" aren't losing any sleep over this.

[James]

Ziggy, are you still mad that I made fun of Hunter Thompson's death? I didn't realize you two had such a close realtionship. Really, had I known how important he was to your life, I would have chosen my words more carefully. I mean, if someone made fun of my mom right after she died, I'd be pretty pissed. And since Hunter appears to be your mother figure, I can understand your pain. So I'm sorry.

Now please, leave me alone before your scathing comments about 100 dollar intervals drive me to kill myself. :(

Alive, I would advise you to perhaps reread the comments I've made, and do so without imposing your own personal problems onto them. While I will sympathize with you and your cheating whore of a girlfriend, that would be better suited in a thread of its own.

[Galvatron]

Well it happens. Alot, because women are evil, evil creatures


Point is, don't get so worked up about it. I can understand frustration, but don't let it dominate you

[ziggytrix]

Ziggy, are you still mad that I made fun of Hunter Thompson's death?

I was never really mad about that. Disappointed that you couldn't make a decent joke, maybe.

Now please, leave me alone before your scathing comments about 100 dollar intervals drive me to kill myself. :(


Leave you alone? WTF, you're such a fucking crybaby.

[AChimp]

http://www.my-two-cents.de/images/anger-management.jpg

[kellychaos]

I don't mean to horn in on you in some creepy way ... well, because I don't care all that much although this is an interesting topic ... but I'm more likely to believe that you've left huge chunks out of your story more so than any chemical imbalance or subconscious thoughts undermining your happily ever after.

[James]

I don't mean to horn in on you in some creepy way ... well, because I don't care all that much although this is an interesting topic ... but I'm more likely to believe that you've left huge chunks out of your story more so than any chemical imbalance or subconscious thoughts undermining your happily ever after.

She went on a vacation back home late July/Early August. My birthday is August 3rd.

She came back, didn't talk to me. Didn't wish me a belated birthday or anything (after she disregarded my birthday the year before, too). Never even said hello to me since she got back.

Started hearing about the things she did on her vacation, and the things she'd been doing since she got back. I'll admit to looking down on some of these things, but I also acknowledge it's her life to do what she wants with - for better or worse. But I decided that everything was pointing to it just being best for me to stop subjecting myself to the situation and to just wash my hands of her. So I told her to remove me from all her contacts.

There was a community of sorts that we were both a part of. Over the fall/winter, she had kind of removed herself from it, so it wasn't a big deal. But she came back within the past month or so. We've both been around at the same time, but we don't even acknowledge one another. But I figure it's best to remove myself from there, as well as ending all association with anyone who is a part of that group, due to the problems I'm having with not being able to, essentially, let go.

If there's any chunks you feel I left out that were important, I believe they're in there now. I don't know what else to tell you.

In other news, I've been spending a week or two trying to work out what to tell the friends that I'm cutting out of my life, which stirs up a lot of thoughts about this whole matter. But I'm not feeling the rage that I was being bothered by. If anything, just a sense of sadness that I have to give things up, and resentment that I feel like she "won." But I'm not angry right now, nor have I been in about a week. But that might not mean anything.

[ziggytrix]

Do you have any notion how childish it is to dissociate yourself from your friends because you no longer like a mutual friend?

I can understand that awkward situations can come up, but what are you going to do, have a tantrum if you have to be in the same building as her for more than five minutes? I guess if that's the case, then you're prolly doing right by removing yourself from the environment.

Or is it that these mutual friends are more sympathetic to "her version" of events and you're just trying to make it feel like you're in control by ditching them, like you did when you told her to never speak to you again?

[James]

:rolleyes

Ziggy, I understand that you're trying your best to try and use this against me in some attempt to upset me/pick on me, and in your head, you think you're doing a great job. When in reality, all you're doing is reaffirming my belief that you're an idiot.

Imposing your own twist on the situation to try and find excuses to act like you're somehow superior than me is annoying, but not for the reasons you might like to imagine them to be. It's annoying in the sense that, as I said, you're being a complete idiot, and I just have this little idiot to deal with. I'm not upset, and I'm not mad. I'm just forced to deal with the little idiot trying to puff his chest in my direction. At this point, you're on the level of a Brawl Haller.

And you're trying to call me childish.

Should I be expecting you to bring out the BIG GUNS by referring to me as "Lames" and questioning my sexual preferences and/or the possible presence of a sexual relationship between my mother and myself? Because if so, I'll once again have to ask you to leave me alone, because I don't think I could handle those hurtful words.

[ziggytrix]

I admit, I'm giving you a hard time, but it's because I think DITCHING YOUR FRIENDS CUZ OF A DUMB BITCH IS A WEAK THING TO DO. Is that clear enough for you?

[Big McLargehuge]

James, there are two types of problems, genuine ones and fabricated ones. You are just like alot of people i know, you like to feel helpless. You are an emotional masochist, don't take this the wrong way i used to be one myself. I mean forgetting your birthday isn't that bad and unless the things she did on her vacation included carbombing and baby killing there is no real reason to be so mad. I mean, you can't be mad at people for being who they are.

All you are are doing is fighting something you cannot help and rendering yourself emotionally impotent. Get over it, don't treat it like a big deal and it won't be one. And also, don't ask advice from people on the internet, we have no idea what we are talking about and even if we did we don't know the situation well enough to offer anything useful.