Since when did my life become a fucking SOAP???

[The One and Only...]

Long story short...

There was this other girl I met at school named Jennifer. I immediately like Jen, and she likewise feels the same way about me. Of course, I've been dating Heather for a little over a month (I'll just refer to her as my gf now for short). In any case, I still get Jen's number and s/n.

So Jen and I start talking and flirting online/on the phone. Jennifer has a boyfriend (bf) at this point, but the relationship is horrible. I talk Jennifer into dumping this guy. Jen wants me, adopting a "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" philosophy as far as my gf goes. At first, I like this idea, and decide to go with it. I make Jen all sorts of promises... I promise her I'll make out with her. This whole time I'm falling more and more for Jen, but I still love my gf.

Only thing is, Jen is leaving on the 25th of this month for the rest of the summer. I'm also going on vacation starting the 17th and won't be back till really late on the 22nd.

Jen and I were gonna go to the pool earlier and go out today, but due to various circumstances could not.

I'm starting to feel really guilty about my actions. I *do* love Heather - there is no doubt in my mind that I would give my life to save hers. So I ask Heather if she would mind having an open relationship. She says she'll let me, but it didn't seem right.

I keep pressing the issue to get Heather to tell me the truth about what she's feeling. She tells me then that she's been crying and doesn't want to lose me, or share, but also feels like she's holding me back. The thought of it has been "splitting" her "heart" all day. I tell her she's not holding me back at all and that I love her, that was why I asked. After she finishes crying again, we have phone sex for about the 3rd or 4th time.

I should mention here that the day before I gave Heather her first semi-orgasmic experience in her life. She has difficulties masturbating alone, but with proper petting in a pool, she was able to use my body as a sort of stimulus. Of course I didn't know this was going on at the time so I quite before she climaxed, but she still claims to have "gotten really close."

It's no wonder this girl is crying.

Anyway, I come back home and Jen will barely speak to me. Something is wrong. I decide to let it slide and wait till tomorrow.

So today, I find out that this guy who Jen has liked since January has asked Jennifer out and they made out in a church. She didn't want to talk to me because she felt really guilty about it and was crying. She's like me - she wants to have her cake and eat it too; even though making out with this guy has made her like him "10 times more," she still protests that she wants to make out with me before the summer. I decide that I can't hurt Heather, but at the same time I still like Jen. I agree to make out with her as long as it's secret and tell her to go ahead and start dating this guy as long as it doesn't affect our little deal. I tell her that she shouldn't be ashamed because we both had an understanding about our relationship. After all, I make out with my girl too.

She tells me that I'm a little unusual for her - she usually only makes out with guys after she gets to know them better. So I tell her to get to know me while she's gone by talking on the phone, etc., and see where it leads us. For now, we both agree that we want our little secret deal to remain intact. We plan on making out the 23rd and 24th.

Later in the day, Heather and I talk again. We get into a fight about who should die if a raving gunman comes in front of us. I tell her that I would take the bullet, which I gladly would. She thinks she should. Somehow we get the point where she tells me that she might commit suicide when I leave for college. I literally start crying, because I could not imagine my life without Heather as a friend, much less her suicide. I make her promise to never take her own life. She tries to cheer me up. I get tired, so I decide against having phone sex tonight.

And I leave for vacation tomorrow.

Welcome to my life.

[King Hadas]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v444/foxamess/009FatManonParkingplace.jpg
Ohh Heather, what have I done?

[Sacks]

Man this is hot.

[Immortal Goat]

Long story short...
Fucking LIAR!

Oh, and what's with all the "girls" this and "gf" that? I thought you liked the buttfuckers now.

[jin]

Okay, im bored of this now. ;<

Can you just finish high-school already? ;0

[nothing4buddha]

lol King Hadas

[Esuohlim]

Hey OAO if we went to your LiveJournal would we get redirected to Loveline?

[Bell E. Laffs]

Long story short...

boyfriend (bf) .

Thanks for clarifying, I was getting lost.

and a big :lol to phone sex too, way to be, champ

[Chojin]

Why are you complaining about something that is so completely, one-sidedly your fault?

[Dole]

Yeah, no sympathy at all. Wah wah wah I want to cheat on my girlfriend etc..

I should mention here that the day before I gave Heather her first semi-orgasmic experience in her life. She has difficulties masturbating alone, but with proper petting in a pool, she was able to use my body as a sort of stimulus. Of course I didn't know this was going on at the time so I quite before she climaxed, but she still claims to have "gotten really close."

My God, thats funny. You STUD!! 'I gave Heather..' er...I dont think so, she says she rubbed herself on you WITHOUT YOU NOTICING and 'almost came' - wow, its like a scene from the postman always rings twice! A frenzy of unbridled passion. How the fuck did you not know?? what were you doing at the time? fencing?

Entertaining as always, but please keep it down to a single paragraph, that way I dont have to get annoyed with myself for spending that long reading it.

Oh yeah, your life isn't a soap, its barely a tv movie.

[AChimp]

Sweet Jesus, I feel a comic coming on...

[ziggytrix]

http://www.creativescreenwriting.com/csdaily/csdart/images/Fatal%20Attraction%20-%20Disarming%20encounter%20(250w).jpg

That's all that comes to mind when you say she's talks about killing herself when you leave for college. You better marry that girl, or ELSE!

[Schimid]

I like how you have to book making-out appointments. Good work, studmuffin.

[MetalMilitia]

lol

[The One and Only...]

My God, thats funny. You STUD!! 'I gave Heather..' er...I dont think so, she says she rubbed herself on you WITHOUT YOU NOTICING and 'almost came' - wow, its like a scene from the postman always rings twice! A frenzy of unbridled passion. How the fuck did you not know?? what were you doing at the time? fencing?

Well, I knew that she was rubbing herself on me - I just didn't realize that she was using me to get off. I didn't even occur to me that could work.

I think what should have given it away was when she kept putting my leg between hers and under her groin...

EDIT: One question... do some girls really have this much trouble masturbating? I think she might just be doing something wrong.

[Emu]

Two words, OAO: HIGH SCHOOL.

Also, unless you're making all this up (which is looking more and more likely as time goes on), you must be the most inept cassanova ever.

[moi]

I think what should have given it away was when she kept putting my leg between hers and under her groin...
ha. thanks for making me actually lol.

[adept_ninja]

These are high school relationships as much as you think they mean somthing they dont. Once you understand this you will have alot more fun because everything isnt so serious. That girl isnt really going to kill herself and every girl you date is going to try to make you feel special like "oh man outta all my boyfriends your the biggest" so that leg thing is prolly bullshit. Even if its not its weird as hell that shes trying to get off on your leg in a public pool.

also define "phone sex" in the sense of what you people do

[maggiekarp]

I watch this anime called "Ebichu Minds the House" that's about a hamster who minds her master's house while she is away. She (the hamster) has an alterego named Ebichuman, who is a sexual savior.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v203/maggiekarp/ebichuman.jpg

In one of the episodes with Ebichuman there was a woman who was unable to climax while masturbating. Ebichuman suggested that, instead of putting things into holes all willy-nilly, the woman should think of a sexy scenario first. Maybe your girlfriend is similar?





...I think even on an anime board, people would be unwilling to take sexual advice from a hamster.

[The One and Only...]

also define "phone sex" in the sense of what you people do

Talk dirty while playing with ourselves.

[Bell E. Laffs]

Do you use your bigger vocabulary when talking dirty?

[nothing4buddha]

EDIT: One question... do some girls really have this much trouble masturbating? I think she might just be doing something wrong.

she's a high school girl, most of them don't know how to get themselves off yet.

[Immortal Goat]

Oh, you fucking STUD! You talked dirty on the phone And had semi-hot leg-on-crotch almost had an orgasm action?! You should write this shit down and send it into Penthouse magazine for the readers comments page!

[Helm]

(I'll just refer to her as my gf now for short).

lol

boyfriend (bf)

lol

I talk Jennifer into dumping this guy.

lol

I promise her I'll make out with her.

lol. was this in writing?

there is no doubt in my mind that I would give my life to save hers.

Are you retarded? You're supposed to be an anarcho-capitalist! The quintessential Free Man! And you put youtself in willing slavery over a highschool crush? Give your life to save hers? FAG! That's right, you're so free, and you can't possibly understand why i'm suggesting controlling our instincts might be useful, that you're thinking with your dick 24/7, and then you also have to ask why our society is all about sex. Idiot.

I keep pressing the issue to get Heather to tell me the truth about what she's feeling.

Tell me what you feel. No. No. Answer the question!

After she finishes crying again, we have phone sex for about the 3rd or 4th time.

Please, stop.


I should mention here that the day before I gave Heather her first semi-orgasmic experience in her life. She has difficulties masturbating alone, but with proper petting in a pool, she was able to use my body as a sort of stimulus. Of course I didn't know this was going on at the time so I quite before she climaxed, but she still claims to have "gotten really close."


This paragraph is pure gold. 'Use your body as a stimulus"? Wahaha

It's no wonder this girl is crying.

it's not wonder you're an egotistical conceited moron.

she still protests that she wants to make out with me before the summer.

ok lol is lol BUT CAN YOU STOP SAYING MAKING OUT?

I agree to make out with her

lol

After all, I make out with my girl too.

lol

We plan on making out the 23rd and 24th.

lol timeschedule

We get into a fight about who should die if a raving gunman comes in front of us. I tell her that I would take the bullet, which I gladly would.

Moron.

Somehow we get the point where she tells me that she might commit suicide when I leave for college.

Tell her to "do what you must" you anarchocapitalist love god. That's what your philosophy would suggest now, no? Jerk.

I make her promise to never take her own life.

CAN YOU SEE HOW THIS PROMISE IS THE MOST STUPID THING EVER?

I get tired, so I decide against having phone sex tonight.

you have a phone-headache, your phone-penis is not up to it or what? Again, lol.



I must say this has been the most unintentionally funny post by oao so far.

[The One and Only...]

My philosophy is simply against the initiation of force and coercion.

[Helm]

then your philosophy is incomplete and directionless

[adept_ninja]

why dont you try having real sex? Im not talking about the TV show either

[Yggdrasill]

Don't worry, your gonna find out that your the evil twin and everything will be fine when the good one kills you and takes his rightful place by wooing all da ladies. :) Yay! It is good now! See its a twist cuz your supposed to be the one and only.

[kellychaos]

She tells me that I'm a little unusual for her - she usually only makes out with guys after she gets to know them better.

At least a chruch sermon or two.

[Lotida]

Sweet Jesus, I feel a comic coming on...

:rock

[Tara]

Right on. A comic needs to do this in.

Either that or we all need to pay Pay Pal to find a sniper to off this miserable son of a bitch.

God DAMN OAO! All of a sudden you find your dick and the fantasies fucking FLY!!!!

[DeadKennedys]

boyfriend (bf)

Thanks




Too long didn't read.

[Chojin]

You know, I didn't think this post was that funny until Emily read it aloud at lunch. Having someone vocate something like that in a real-world setting really shows how absurd it is and how ridiculous the internet's standards in general are.

At any rate, OAO, you are a boon to society. Never change who you are, and never stop telling us all about it.

[sadie]

i believe you mean vocalize. ;)

[Chojin]

i use words to make me sound smart!

[Driscoll]

Man, this is just sad.

It's obvious that you're making all this up. I'll write this in case that you aren't.

You have to quit starving yourself. The both of you. You both have famished yourselves to the point of looking for someone else for satisfaction. You're completely to blame for all of this though, because you're too afraid to have any sort of initiative. I'm not claiming that I know much about relationships or anything, but I know that much.

And you moron, you don't make appointments to make out with someone. "Hrrmm, I'll whisper sweet nothings into the ear of this woman on the 18th, and then I'll stipulate the idea of heavy petting of this OTHER woman on the 27th and" NO. You treat love and affection like it's some sort of planned thing, like going to the groceries or to the movies or something. Like it's a goddamned book report or whatever. That is what makes love and relationships (primarily high school ones) like the ones you're failing to do properly so interesting: they're spontaneity. And you're killing that with your dates and your strategies and your "HAR HAR HAR I shall move my chess piece to the Knight!" attitude. And that is why you have failed at this, and why you have continuously failed in the past, and why you will always provide entertainment to the rest of us.

Whatever. I'm taking this too seriously anyway; this is a mockery site, and your little scenarios are just stuff you make up for attention anyway.

[Helm]

Nah, although I'm sure he's exaggerating a lot, I bet most of this stuff is based on reality, to an extent.

[kellychaos]

I hope that the names are changed to protect the innocent.

[theshepherd]

We plan on making out the 23rd and 24th.




I can't believe someone would actually *plan* to make out. WTF is this?

[Emu]

If you don't plan your life, Satan will.

[theshepherd]

Satan doesn't plan, he schemes. :)

[kellychaos]

The Devil's in the details. You can't be too careful.

[executioneer]

lol your life became a soap when you mixed it with lye and allowed it to saponify :x

[Bell E. Laffs]

I hope that the names are changed to protect the innocent.

There are no innocents in the crime of stealing hearts. And OAO is the fucking hamburgler.

[Helm]

hey belly, nice one

[Rongi]

you all realise oao makes this shit up to get a larf, right? he made up the whole stupid bi-sexual story to get a larf.

i had one of them intarnet conversations with him once, and i realise, oao could very well be the most brilliant characters to ever grace i-mockery with his presence, or the most awkward, sniveling, nerdo to grace the planet

[Dole]

Its hard to say which is more sad, being like him or pretending to be like him.

[Rongi]

i'm not saying what he's doing is comedic genius or even valuble time being spent.

[kellychaos]

I hope that the names are changed to protect the innocent.

There are no innocents in the crime of stealing hearts. And OAO is the fucking hamburgler.

Turd-burgler

[kellychaos]

I hope that the names are changed to protect the innocent.

There are no innocents in the crime of stealing hearts. And OAO is the fucking hamburgler.

I sense an AChimp comic coming on. :robblerobble

[ziggytrix]

i'm not saying what he's doing is comedic genius or even valuble time being spent.

And yet, often no less interesting than a fatality car-wreck.

[The One and Only...]

Well, I'M BACK!!!

Honestly I don't see me doing anything with Jennifer at this point. It's just been too long and feels kinda forced, not to mention the problems I'll have with Heather if she finds out. Also, the more I talk to Jen, the more she sounds like an absent-minded, self-absorbed tard who spends all her time pitying herself. Reminds me too much of the way I used to be...

So, whatever. If I get a chance to see Jen before she goes, I'll at least talk to her for a while. In any case, it's a girl I get to add to my little black book.

[Emu]

Oh yes, I'm sure all the women will love a man who can't stay in a relationship for more than a month. :rolleyes

[kellychaos]

In any case, it's a girl I get to add to my little black book.

Of quasi-sexual human stimuli.

[Mr. Fugo]

Dear Heather
Please swim by me again
With a leg in your crotch
And your fingers all weary
From the phone

http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/B0002XK4FG.02.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

[Helm]

That was a good joke :)

[The One and Only...]

I'll give ya that one. It was good.

Just to confirm... nothing happened with Jennifer. We hung out, hugged, and flirted, but the situation wouldn't let us make out (her gay friend had to come, some creepy guy followed her, etc). To be honest, though, I'm grateful for that.

[MetalMilitia]

Perhaps better make out scheduling would have been appropriate.

[Schimid]

:lol

[kellychaos]

OAO's theatre of the mind.

[mburbank]

You know, and I'm being serious here, I think there's a chance you might be some kind of as yet undescribed form of retard.

I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to 'make out', and I'm really happy for you about that thing where a girl almost had an orgasm but then didn't on you. These are pivotal, significant moments. Savor them. Unless, you know, like a week goes by and then it's pretty much all in the distant past and the emotions you felt then pale in significance besid3e those you feel now that you're all a week older and shit.

Dole was right. You are way funnier here than you are in the philosiphy forum. You know what's ironic about that? You were training for signficance.

[kellychaos]

That's a week in OAO-years, pal. Why you gettin' all, like, heavy man?

[CaptainBubba]

Yea. Yesterday I was really pissed off me and my gf didn't get to make out. I understand man. It sucks when you can't make out. MAN I REALLY wanted to make out too. She dry humped me once and said I was her knight in shining armor while we were making out, I guess I just am really symmetrical since thats what makes ladies have orgasms.

[mburbank]

When you make out do you feel your GF up? What base have you gotten to when making out?

[kellychaos]

I often bunt. I'm really fast.

[CaptainBubba]

Well I dont know what base exactly I've gone to while making out with it, but I think I'd say 3rd base because I massaged her genitals once and I think she liked it because she made moaning noises while I was doing this and making out. We've made out at 13 times now

[mburbank]

That's a lot of times to make out. I'm happy for you about the moaning, unless it was because you were hurting her.

[kellychaos]

Well I dont know what base exactly I've gone to while making out with it, but I think I'd say 3rd base because I massaged her genitals once and I think she liked it because she made moaning noises while I was doing this and making out. We've made out at 13 times now


I messaged her genitals once. I found the response in my Heather folder an hour later.

[CaptainBubba]

UPDATE: We made out again.

[mburbank]

AW-RIGHT!!

[Dole]

http://www.borchert.com/tom/halloween/pope.jpg
'Since when did my wife become a fucking pope???'

[St8ic]

So are you gonna stop making stories up to make your heteroflexible self feel better yet?

[kellychaos]

End of my life ... find me a fucking rope?

[mburbank]

Vinth ended his life trucking dope.

[kellychaos]

OAO,

Your body is a anarcho-capitalistic wonderland!

[Great Guy]

YEAH! My body is better

[xbxDaniel]

She always starts this shit up. I told her not to listen to the crazy guy on the phone, but nooooo. She goes and meets him at the park and next thing I know I'm pregnant.

Peace

-Daniel

[King Hadas]

Your characters suck oao

[The One and Only...]

They aren't my characters.

You guys are gonna have to beg for me to make one.

Grovel, actually. On web cam.

[glowbelly]

why would anyone do that?

[King Hadas]

What is this "OMG, I'm funny now," bullshit. Take away your thesaurus and your worse than fucking sports.

[mburbank]

"Your characters suck oao"
-K. Haddas

Well, laws, you can't expect anyone ELSE to suck OAO.

[kellychaos]

unless someone undergoes rib-removal surgery

[Pub Lover]

You only need to remove ribs if you have a cock smaller than four inches. :themoreyouknow

Exercise you fatties. :rolleyes