AChimp
Jun 25th, 2005, 12:18 PM
Last evening, the University of Manitoba computer science department held it's annual pig roast. A lot of people show up, and it's a good opportunity to talk to friends that you haven't seen for a few months (especially in my case, where I'm currently on a co-op work term). Under normal circumstances, this isn't awkward by a long shot, unless you are an anti-social dweeb, but certain events made it a little bit uncomfortable for me and left me wondering what emotion it is that I felt/am feeling. I've never quite experienced anything like it, so I was hoping that someone here could shed some light on it.
The evening was going great (as far as a gathering of geeks goes, I guess). A few hours after everything "began," a few late-comers showed up. A few of these people I talk to on a regular basis during classes, so I was looking forward to catching up... I was very surprised--and I mean very, very, stop-in-mid-sentence surprised to see that one of the guys had HER in tow. She noticed me immediately, too, and looked away after a few seconds.
For those of you who may not recall, SHE is the one that things ended up very badly for all involved due to my stupidity and her bitchiness... two years ago. True to form, I swore and announced jokingly to Fatbinge that this was going to throw my whole evening off.
It didn't, of course. I recovered from my depression and got over my feelings for her several months after the whole incident, and with help from people here and my friends I realized that what happened was really kinda funny.
I can't explain how I felt, though. It was surreal, because I suddenly felt very conscious of what I was doing. I know that she was watching me several times during the evening, because when I looked in her direction (from the other side of the party), she would look away after a few seconds or get the belligerant expression on her face that I came to see so often.
The only interaction that I had with her for the entire evening was nodding at her to acknowledge her presence while talking to a group of people and she was sitting nearby.
It was obvious she she and this other guy are seeing each other, and that honestly doesn't bother me. I don't care for her anymore (and I don't have any feelings of malice anymore), but I still had a strong feeling of apprehension that I can't explain.
She eventually left when her group had to go, and I stayed for a while afterwards. The weight was gone and I felt normal again, except for the nagging emotion that I kept feeling as I recalled events on the drive home.
So, now I'm trying to figure it out. It wasn't jealousy; I've been extremely jealous in the past and this wasn't that. I don't think it was regret, either; while I regret a lot of the mistakes that I made while I was seeing her, I realize that I learned from them and won't make them again... that alone reduces my regrets to the kind you express while drinking, saying stuff like "yeah, if I had known this I'd have done that long ago blah blah blah."
If anything, seeing her after so long made her flaws stand out. I still find her attractive, but that was never the issue. As I observed her, I noticed that she has very childish mannerisms, something which is very off-putting for me now. I guess I never really noticed it before. I can still see elements of what attracted me to her, but there's a lot of things that I now notice that aren't very compatible. Any relationship that I might have had with her in Bizzaro World would have ultimately ended up as badly as it eventually did.
So why the hell do I feel so wierd?
The evening was going great (as far as a gathering of geeks goes, I guess). A few hours after everything "began," a few late-comers showed up. A few of these people I talk to on a regular basis during classes, so I was looking forward to catching up... I was very surprised--and I mean very, very, stop-in-mid-sentence surprised to see that one of the guys had HER in tow. She noticed me immediately, too, and looked away after a few seconds.
For those of you who may not recall, SHE is the one that things ended up very badly for all involved due to my stupidity and her bitchiness... two years ago. True to form, I swore and announced jokingly to Fatbinge that this was going to throw my whole evening off.
It didn't, of course. I recovered from my depression and got over my feelings for her several months after the whole incident, and with help from people here and my friends I realized that what happened was really kinda funny.
I can't explain how I felt, though. It was surreal, because I suddenly felt very conscious of what I was doing. I know that she was watching me several times during the evening, because when I looked in her direction (from the other side of the party), she would look away after a few seconds or get the belligerant expression on her face that I came to see so often.
The only interaction that I had with her for the entire evening was nodding at her to acknowledge her presence while talking to a group of people and she was sitting nearby.
It was obvious she she and this other guy are seeing each other, and that honestly doesn't bother me. I don't care for her anymore (and I don't have any feelings of malice anymore), but I still had a strong feeling of apprehension that I can't explain.
She eventually left when her group had to go, and I stayed for a while afterwards. The weight was gone and I felt normal again, except for the nagging emotion that I kept feeling as I recalled events on the drive home.
So, now I'm trying to figure it out. It wasn't jealousy; I've been extremely jealous in the past and this wasn't that. I don't think it was regret, either; while I regret a lot of the mistakes that I made while I was seeing her, I realize that I learned from them and won't make them again... that alone reduces my regrets to the kind you express while drinking, saying stuff like "yeah, if I had known this I'd have done that long ago blah blah blah."
If anything, seeing her after so long made her flaws stand out. I still find her attractive, but that was never the issue. As I observed her, I noticed that she has very childish mannerisms, something which is very off-putting for me now. I guess I never really noticed it before. I can still see elements of what attracted me to her, but there's a lot of things that I now notice that aren't very compatible. Any relationship that I might have had with her in Bizzaro World would have ultimately ended up as badly as it eventually did.
So why the hell do I feel so wierd?