True Bedroom Stories (Virgins come take notes)

[Pentegarn]

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098343/

[LordSappington]

I wonder what kind of writer honestly thinks that putting a glow-in-the-dark condom duel is a great idea...

[kahljorn]

maybe he was a big star wars fan as a kid but his parents couldn't afford those cheap lightsaber toys

[LordSappington]

I'm not gonna lie; if I was gay, or drunk enough, I'd probably have a glowing dick fight. :(

[kahljorn]

glowing dick fight could totally be an aphorism for life.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

S25Zf8svHZQ

[Pentegarn]

"Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb!" :lol

[Fathom Zero]

i came so hard i could see in the dark

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Hahahaha

[Kitsa]

You could have said proctologist too :lol

A gyno could tell if something is amiss there. It's pretty much all in the same neighborhood, and they shine a freaking clamp lamp down there.

[Pentegarn]

Had I said gyno though, it would have been less than funny in context to what 10k said

[Kitsa]

we all make sacrifices for comedy :(

[Zhukov]

I haven't had sex for ages. I think I'm turning back into a virgin.

[LordSappington]

First experience buying condoms: Immediately accosted by a religious soccer-mom, calling us 'sinful teenagers'. Way to teach your twelve-year-old kid next to you to be responsible, lady.

[Zhukov]

Seriously? I would have whipped it out and got her to put it on or me.

Actually, I think I might go and buy some condoms to make it feel like I might have sex some time soon.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Seriously? I would have whipped it out and got her to put it on or me.


:lol:lol

[Dimnos]

We Christians believe responsibility is a sin. This is because you are taking your life out of gods hands. Without the condoms the fate of you and your lover are at the mercy of god and you have thus surrendered yourself to him. With the condoms you have taken gods power away. :tear

[kahljorn]

man i thought that said CONDOMS OF FAAAAAAATTTEEEE which i thought was pretty cool.

THE FIRST TIME I BOUGHT CONDOMS I STOLE THEM WITH A CARTON OF CIGARETTES :(

[LordSappington]

I think I might start referring to all condoms as Condoms of Fate. We'll see how long before she catches on.

[kahljorn]

when you say "CONDOMS OF FATE" will you do like some crazy scientist/mystic shit on the fate part so that you're like, "THE CONDOMS OF FAAAaaaTTEEE"

cause thats how i would do it everytime

[LordSappington]

Maybe I should make a Tesla coil, so I can cue it to shoot lightning while I blast my lines.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killer_Condom

The plot for this sounds kinda stupid but it actually is a really good movie, thematically at least. Caught it late night on a movie channel in like '99.

[Zhukov]

Yeah I remember that, I think it was good.

[LordSappington]

So, uh, guess it's worth mentioning that I've thwarted my destiny as the nerdy virgin.
*cough*

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

ARE YOU NO LONGER A NERD???? PICS YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

pppplllllleeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeeeeeeee.

[Zhukov]

:lol

[The Leader]

Awesome. :lol

[LordSappington]

ARE YOU NO LONGER A NERD???? PICS YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

pppplllllleeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeeeeeeee.
http://static.thehollywoodgossip.com/images/gallery/a-male-model.jpg
I still don't know what happened, but I constantly have an irresistible urge to gel my hair. :x

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

You gotta start telling them to wait in line now.

[The Leader]

Yeah, I bet the guys are all lining up to suck your dick. ;/

[LordSappington]

Only the guy next door. :(

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

HE SHOULD BE FIRST IN LINE THEN.

[LordSappington]

Was first in line. :orgasm

[elx]

:(

[Fathom Zero]

I like to work the balls wit my tongue

[Tadao]

Bieber posts here?

[Fathom Zero]

I think I was drunk when I posted that. :|

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Last night I was like "you got me so turned on my balls are hard"

I am drunk when I posted that.

[bigtimecow]

true mobile bedroom stories (the car)

after a 4th of july bbq we got in the car to leave and saw fireworks. it was cool and sort of romantic, then we start driving off. she's all kinds of horny now and says, "can i unbuckle?" (i'm driving) before even answering i unbuckle my seat belt and move my seat back. she unbuckles and dives onto my dick. pretty intense. whenever there's a red light we pause just in-case someone is pulled up next to us. we get closer to home and now its all backroads and local streets, so i start taking as many turns as possible to prolong everything. at one point i take a mean right turn and she deepthroats it (which doesn't bother her, like, at all). she laughs, and of course it feels fanfuckingtastic, so i change all my turns into right turns. at one point i feel like i'm about to cum, but i have this thing where i have to have my legs stretched out and toes pointed, so we have to stop, lest i jam on the brakes in the middle of traffic or speed through a school playground. we get back to the house, run upstairs, have sex for like literally 2 minutes and then bam all over her face

yaaayyyyyy. i haven't posted in awhile now that i've been out of school :(

[Tadao]

Sawing fireworks is dangerous. :(

[Dimnos]

Man! Almost the same exact thing happened to me and my wife one time. Only difference was I was driving on the highway at like 2 a.m. and all the pleasure was causing me to swerve a little. Next thing you know a cop pulls us over and has me blowing into a breathalyzer. :(

[Pentegarn]

I like your story Dimnos, it both stats and ends with a blow

[Dixie]

since we're on the topic of cars....
last year i stayed over at my boss's house alot (eventually i dated him for a couple weeks but maybe i'll make an entry on that sometime later), a bunch of us would stay at his house, simply because it was easier to catch a ride with him in the morning.
i kinda liked this one dude i worked with anyways, he and i had fooled around before, but i was on my period the first time we fooled around so i thought i'd spare him the goriest fuck of his life and i refused.
we had just gotten off work and were drinking in the parking lot before we headed to boss man's house and dude was trying to get me to go in the woods with him. i thought that'd be tacky (even for me) and i realized i didn't have any condoms. so i told him i wouldn't fuck him without a condom and ended it there. on the way to the house he makes boss man stop for "cigarettes", as you can imagine that was a ruse so he could get a pack of prophylactics. the swirly ones.
we get to the house and the routine starts up. turn on tv, get fucked up, sleep on a couch. i go upstairs to a less populated area and dude follows me. we end up being the only 2 up there so we start fooling around. we don't want to wake anybody, so we go outside in the carport. there sat my boss's firebird. things progressed quickly and soon i was half naked and bent across the hood of my boss's prize possession. dude liked to change positions alot so i ended up sliding further and further down the side of the car, mostly across the windows. we finish up, get dressed, smoke a couple cigarettes and get ready to head back in. as we were walking away i looked at the car. the car had been sitting there for over a year covered in pollen and dirt. so there were clear signs of us fucking all over my boss's car.
i took off my shirt and wiped it down to cover up our tracks. he put the condom wrappers and evidence in an empty cigarette pack. and we went back inside and slept til work the next day.
somehow, no one figured it out. he and i had 2 other flings, and they both happened at work. i have scars from one of them. hahahaha
but no one we worked with ever found out, except for his best friend who i was also fucking. but they knew about each other and were cool with it.
whole nother story there.

[MLE]

You have the best sex stories.

[Nick]

What was the point in removing those posts? Seems it related to the topic at hand, not to mention they had nothing to do with other posts of mine.

[Fathom Zero]

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE

[Nick]

Mods brainfuck loveline topics into giant mess before crazy gluing them back together.



Nothing to see here, move along.

[Chojin]

mods trolling mods

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

I want to hear the redt of your stories dix.

Got a blowjob with pop rocks last week. It wasn't anything special. Another time I filled her mouth with whipped cream. Then jammed my dick into her mouth.

[Nick]

How'd you talk Lizzy into that?

[Chojin]

my face

http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/image.php?u=7324&dateline=1264286615

[Dixie]

another car story
so years ago, i was riding with my then boyfriend to a show down south. of course he got road head, but that wasn't enough. we showed up at the venue and no one was there yet. we were feeling frisky but there was really nowhere to go. to our delight, it began to rain and our windows fogged up. perfect camouflage! we recline the seats and get to work. about halfway through the inside of the car got so muggy we couldn't breathe. so we opened up the sunroof, unfortunately it was still raining. so our "then and there" solution was for me to climb halfway through the sunroof to block the rain from seeping in while we continued fucking. i don't mind the rain and i'm fairly adventurous, so i was all for it. there was no one in the parking lot, but we were right across the street for the parking deck for a college.
so there we are, in the car, my head and shoulders sticking out of the roof and i'm holding on to the sides of the sunroof and it's raining. all of a sudden i hear clapping and some hollering in the distance. i look up and there's the rest of his band, in the parking deck, looking down at us, and enjoying the show.
slightly embarrassed, i slide back down into the car and notice that since we opened up the sunroof, the window fog had cleared. i looked around to see if anyone else had seen us and i see a crowd gathered next door behind the bistro (later i found out they were bistro employees taking a break). obviously staring and amused by us. we said "fuck it" and finished what we were doing and proceeded to exit the vehicle. greeted with cheers and applause from the bistro employees, we bow and go into the venue where we couldn't stop laughing about the whole thing.
for about 3 years the rest of his band couldn't help reminding us that we really shouldn't fuck in public, at least during daylight hours.

[Tadao]

for about 3 years the rest of his band couldn't help reminding us that we really shouldn't fuck in public, at least during daylight hours.

I would encourage it.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

How'd you talk Lizzy into that?

Not with her. With my baby's mama.

^Chojin: My mug makes every girl wet.

^Dix: :Clap:clap:clap:clap

[Dimnos]

slightly embarrassed

You are such a fucking liar. :lol

[Dixie]

ok, so i was REALLY embarrassed

[MarioRPG]

That's hilarious, and sexy. Sexlarious?

[Pentegarn]

So my GF and I are eating dinner and I offer her some wings.

GF: "No, I don't want any wings. Other times I might, but not today"
Me: "What are you talking about? You never have wings when I offer them to you. You say yes to anal more than you say yes to wings."
GF: "That's because anal is better than wings"

I think I might put that on a t-shirt

[executioneer]

guys dont make me lock this thread again

i hate you

[Pentegarn]

Hate the game, not the playa

:airhorn

[executioneer]

I WILL CONTINUE TO HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE UNTIL I AM DEAD

[Pentegarn]

Die inside like I did, takes loads off in the stress department

[Dixie]

the first time i ever had sex by boyfriend of 3 years began singing "Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo"
i never forgave him.

[MLE]

A long-time-ago-ex always threatened he would start singing old yiddish songs that are sung at bar/bat mitzvahs.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

So for my friends birthday party we got a bunch over to drink at his house. Bunch of girls/guys/beer. My cousin ended up hooking up with this one girl. My friend offered his bedroom but just not to fuck up or cum on his bed. My cousin went down on this girl and she was about to come but he didn't want to fuck up the bed so bust out a can of altoids for her to cum into. Then he forgot about them and left them on the basement table later on where the rest of us were drinking.

I was drunk, found the altoid can proceeded to eat the entire can. A short while later my cousin was like "oh shit. Anyone see a can of altoids?" With a big drunken smile I'm like "Hahaha, I ate em all." Then he explained to me that they were filled with girl cum. He was "A...how did you not notice they were all soggy and gross. And B....who the fuck eats a whole can of altoids?"

[Fathom Zero]

Yum. Sounds delicious.

A good retort would have been to ask why he was saving it for later.

[Pentegarn]

Did they taste curiously strong?

[Tadao]

:lol

[Dimnos]

Yum. Sounds delicious.

A good retort would have been to ask why he was saving it for later. I thought they were the new tuna flavor.

:(

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

They did not freshen my breath.

[Fathom Zero]

:lol

:(

[Samfucius]

Well, I guess a little background is in order for this to make sense...
I am blessed with a rather girthy dick.

Anyways, I was having sex with my girlfriend (w/ condom) in her dorm room. The room is a mess, as in our hurry to take off backpacks and shoes and clothes, we have used all of the very limited floor space. Things go nicely, and we finish up. I pull out, and turn towards the trash can so I can remove the rubber. The thing is, I'm still at half mast, and the condom doesn't really want to come off (it's even a magnum...). Instead of doing the smart thing and a) waiting or b) working it slowly off, I start to pull on the (very full) end. I look up for a half a second so say something, and I hear a snap followed by a gooey plop. I guess the correct onomatopoeia would be *plorp*. My gf hasn't noticed a thing, and I start looking frantically, trying to find out where the contents of the now-empty condom are. And I can't find them, anywhere. Not on clothes, the walls, backpacks, the bed, me, my gf, anywhere. And then I look ahead, and notice one of her cute little shoes, and a faint gleam is winking out of the darkness...

I managed to cum in her shoe. Not on it. Not at the opening. At the toe. The latex flung all my spunk at the perfect angle, and it shot down the length of her shoe. At this point I mutter "shit..." and she finally notices something is wrong. Luckily, she laughed it off. But she refused to wear those shoes again, even after I washed them, and she still teases me that I owe her $13 for the new pair she bought.

[The Leader]

There are shoes that are only thirteen dollars?

[Tadao]

and you are having trouble paying her $13?

[Pentegarn]

There are shoes that are only thirteen dollars?

Payless ftw

[Sam]

THAT STORY GETS UNBELIEVABLE AT THIS LINE:

I was having sexAND ONLY PROCEEDS TO GET MORE AND MORE FALSE.

IT'S EVEN A MAGNUM, FUCKING PLEASE. :rolleyes

"OH NO, I DROPPED THIS MAGNUM CONDOM FOR MY MONSTER DONG."

[kahljorn]

i skipped from the begining to the end and all i know is dude had sex with some girls shoes

[Pentegarn]

Everyone knows people in Oregon don't have sex. Everyone born in Oregon comes from trees

[Fathom Zero]

guy came on his mother's shoes

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

ALONG WITH MY WADS WITH HUNDREDS.

[MarioRPG]

IT'S EVEN A MAGNUM, FUCKING PLEASE. :rolleyes

This is why i love the internet and bother reading threads like this. :lol

[Pentegarn]

IT'S EVEN A MAGNUM, FUCKING PLEASE. :rolleyes

Reminds me of that Bristol Palin/Situation abstinence/or use protection public awareness ad

I tried to find it on youtube, luckily it was not there though, it is painfully bad to watch

[Tadao]

The soup played it, I think John Stewart and Colbert did too. Not at all worth watching though, unless you want to kill yourself.

[Pentegarn]

I felt like that guy at the end of Raiders after he saw what was in the Ark

[Blasted Child]

I stopped reading at w/. I can never get past a w/, I guess it's some sort of allergy.

[LordSappington]

Those fire and ice condoms don't feel like anything for me. Waste of money/embarrassment.
I hate buying condoms; every good store within five miles of my house is plagued with Christian housewives, and I get real nervous when they all walk by and glare.

[Esuohlim]

THAT'S WHY YOU GET THE BITCH ON THE PILL AND BAREBACK IT. YOU FUCKS.

[LordSappington]

She got off it because they made her nauseas all the time, and she hasn't gotten around to getting a different kind. Any of you have any recommendations?

[executioneer]

you should do the whole raised eyebrow thing and then shift your eye contact between the xtian housewives and the condoms and then your junk like you're offering them somethgin

[kahljorn]

isnt there a man pill now

[MLE]

aviane never gave me trouble, but then again I haven't had trouble with any of them that I can think of. I'm currently on the depo shot. It slows my metabolism a little, but it allows me to eat a bit less without dropping tons of weight (which was happening before that).

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

THAT'S WHY YOU GET THE BITCH ON THE PILL AND BAREBACK IT. YOU FUCKS.


http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69705587

[MLE]

also, IUD.

[Fathom Zero]

bifurcate your dick

[kahljorn]

get that thing that swims inside your penis when you pee and it will eat the sperm before you have sex with her

[The Leader]

candiru

[Dimnos]

also, IUD.

Yes. Agreed. :posh

[LordSappington]

also, IUD.
Yeah, we wanted to get her that, but it's a little pricey, from what we've heard. Don't they run around $500?
As for the candiru, I suppose the blinding pain whenever I got it up would be an effective form of birth control... :\

[MLE]

Health insurance should take care of most of the cost, tbh.

[LordSappington]

Health insurance should take care of most of the cost, tbh.
Oh, well that changes everything. We'll have to check it out again, then.

[Zhukov]

http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69705587

:lol

[Dimnos]

Yeah, we wanted to get her that, but it's a little pricey, from what we've heard. Don't they run around $500?
As for the candiru, I suppose the blinding pain whenever I got it up would be an effective form of birth control... :\

Health insurance should take care of most of the cost, tbh.

Not to mention it lasts like 5 years.

[Tadao]

Planned parenthood helps lots of people with no money. I got my vasectomy for 10 dollars. I was gonna pay the full amount, but lost my job. So when I went in to cancel the appointment they said QUICK GIVE IT TO HIM FOR CHEAP OR HE MIGHT BREED.

[kahljorn]

I love that planned parenthood was started by that Eugenics lady :lol

[Dimnos]

$10 vasectomy? :eek How did that go? I needs me a vasectomy.

[Tadao]

Easy as pie. No pain and no pain in the asses.

[Dimnos]

Idk. It just seams like I should pay more to have someone cut on my dick. :\

[Tadao]

Well, it does cost more if you have a job. Plus now with inflation and what not.

[Fathom Zero]

It takes a lot of work to be a blight on society.

[The One and Only...]

What a lot of degenerates.

This is why I don't do shots of Vodka first thing in the morning anymore.

[The One and Only...]

Srsly I think I'm going to vomit on my keyboard

[LordSappington]

Pft. This makes you want to vomit? Welcome to the internet, son. You've got a long way to go.

[The One and Only...]

I know of /b/ I do not partake

[kahljorn]

how long until you go away again :(

[Chojin]

Well, it does cost more if you have a job. Plus now with inflation and what not.

just think about baseball.

[executioneer]

lolll

[The One and Only...]

how long until you go away again :(

i am teh omnipresent

[Fathom Zero]

the one and lumpy

[Pentegarn]

Why is it that posters who use the site issued Cobra Commander avatar have it always break bad for them due to poor posting decisions?

Remember the ghostbuster boards guy? He rocked the Cobra Commander avatar too. Must be a douche bag magnet

[MarioRPG]

Write a thesis on it.

[kahljorn]

maybe its cause they think if they used a real avatar somebody would figure out who's character they are

[MLE]

Ever since I became a mod, I've been checking people's IPs constantly if I even have an inkling that they're a character.

[kahljorn]

hacks

you got jap hax

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

damn jap hax squads.

[Sam]

DAMN JAP HAX

MY MORTAL ENEMY(S)

[Fathom Zero]

http://img109.imageshack.us/img109/4517/jaxu.png

DAMN HAP JAX

MY MORTAL KOMBAT(S)

[kahljorn]

is it normal for women to never stop talking about shit you don't give a damn about?

fuck.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

:lol Preaching to the choir.

[Fathom Zero]

also, the sky is blue amirite guys? lol

[kahljorn]

I'm horrible at flirting because i hate talking about stupid shit :(

[Fathom Zero]

find someone that doesn't talk about stupid shit

[kahljorn]

Dear ugly face,
Shut up

With sincerity,

[kahljorn]

now i wish i wouldn't have edited my initial post so i wouldn't look like a jerk :(


also, the sky is blue amirite guys? lol

AND YOURE HIDEOUS AMIRITEGUYZ LOLZ

[Fathom Zero]

The kettle is black, I know!

[kahljorn]

:lol

Every beast is tended with blows.

[Fathom Zero]

Let's make love.

[MLE]

kahl, I read that as:

Dear ugly face,
Shut up

With sincerity,
__________________
NO rabblerousing allowed!

[Mr. Bacon]

Let's make love.




yuck.

[kahljorn]

:lol

[LordSappington]

I've been fairly irritable lately, with having constant vertigo for about three weeks now. Thus, I've been dreading when the girlfriend texts/IMs, because it's usually complaining about something in her day, and I feel bad for having a low tolerance for that right now.
tl;dr Jesus Christ, doctors, fix me already!

[NatRatBat]

I was at a sleepover at my friends house(I was in hike school at the time) and she thought it would be a good idea to call some guys over. So she calls them and like 4 guys come over, I was having a good time flirting but not really into it TOO much. So we all got a little drunk and then 2 of the dudes go off to the bathroom together and when they come out they leave kind of fast. I was kind of weirded/grossed out but whatever.
So she and I share the bed and the guys were supposed to sleep on the floor. It took a while to fall asleep because I was nervous about sleeping in the same room as some guys. After a little while I wake up to the bed shaking pretty hard and I look over and she was boning both of them! I fell off the bed and scooted away. As hard as I try I don't think I'll ever get the sounds of the bed bouncing and the grunting and moaning out of my head.
I know it wasn't really a sex story where I starred but It's the most memorable one I know.

[LordSappington]

Wait, you were in the bed with her, and you still got rejected?

[Zhukov]

It sounds like you're lucky you didn't just get caught up and raped for the hell of it.

[LordSappington]

Like one of those cartoon fight clouds

[The Leader]

I know it wasn't really a sex story where I starred but It's the most memorable one I know.
Virgin.

[Pentegarn]

He can still take notes at least

[Zhukov]

Like one of those cartoon fight clouds

I'm sure that can happen.

[LordSappington]

My relationship with my girlfriend seems to be getting kind of stale lately.
I've been crabby lately, since I've been sick for a month straight, and have been kind of wanting to be left alone in general. These are those stages where it's best to let me make the contact. But my girlfriend is the type to text me all day, which has lately been nothing but complaining about parents, school, work, etc.
She hasn't really made an effort to make friends to hang out with outside of school, so she tags along with me and my friends every time, and makes me feel guilty when I want to be alone, or alone with them. Combine this with being the only person she vents to, and it's making me feel kind of smothered lately.
It feels awful, since I love her, and it feels great just to have her in my arms, but I've been avoiding her on facebook, and kind of loathing when she texts me.
Not to mention being sick has really cut down my libido by a lot, so I think that's been frustrating her even more.
:(
Also, I didn't feel like making a whole new thread about this.

[Tadao]

Ecstasy was first used to repair relationships before it gets really bad. If you can get it up, the 8 hours fuck fest is awesome.

[Zhukov]

My relationship with my girlfriend seems to be getting kind of stale lately.
I've been crabby lately, since I've been sick for a month straight, and have been kind of wanting to be left alone in general. These are those stages where it's best to let me make the contact. But my girlfriend is the type to text me all day, which has lately been nothing but complaining about parents, school, work, etc.
She hasn't really made an effort to make friends to hang out with outside of school, so she tags along with me and my friends every time, and makes me feel guilty when I want to be alone, or alone with them. Combine this with being the only person she vents to, and it's making me feel kind of smothered lately.
It feels awful, since I love her, and it feels great just to have her in my arms, but I've been avoiding her on facebook, and kind of loathing when she texts me.
Not to mention being sick has really cut down my libido by a lot, so I think that's been frustrating her even more.
:(
Also, I didn't feel like making a whole new thread about this.


Tell her that in a nicer way.

[NatRatBat]

Well, I'm not a virgin anymore, but I was at the time (and for quite a while after). I lost my virginity to my husband, and I have 2 children now.
But yeah at the time I was pretty freaked out, I don't know if I was afraid of getting raped. I think mostly I was just sort of surprised at how frigging awful it is to wake up seeing your best friend getting plowed by 2 guys at once. I felt I lost quite a bit of innocence that night.
@LordSappington I didn't get rejected I never made myself available and chicks just don't make my heart pound...unless it's Sarah Michelle Gellar, I'd go les for her all the way.

[Big McLargehuge]

You lost your virginity to your spouse? :lol Where you raised in the 1940s?

[LordSappington]

Now that I know you're a girl, yeah, I can understand that.
I admit it'd be uncomfortable, to say the least, if I saw my friends screwing.

[Big McLargehuge]

Your writing style makes my head ache. Please go buy a copy of Strunk and White.

[NatRatBat]

Man, I wish I was raised in the 40's I would be retired by now...that would be awesome. So I'm a little old fashioned and I like my sex face to face with the man I married...whats wrong with that? At least I never got the clap.

[Tadao]

If I was a girl and woke up to my friend getting pounded by 2 guys, I would video tape it while shoving a candle in and out my snatch. Then I'd pee on them and tell them I'm a squirter.

[Zhukov]

Man, I wish I was raised in the 40's I would be retired by now...that would be awesome. So I'm a little old fashioned and I like my sex face to face with the man I married...whats wrong with that? At least I never got the clap.

You would have never have had a job to retire from.

[NatRatBat]

Zhukov, you just blew my mind. That was the best reply I've ever seen.

[LordSappington]

Dude, half the women I've met thus far in life have part-time jobs and complain about their husbands and wine. In 1945, women were putting together bullets, bombs, planes, and all that jazz, so their husbands and sons could have more shit to kill other women's husbands and sons. Just try and say that isn't really goddamned badass.

[NatRatBat]

Yeah during the war women rose to the challenge and that is badass, but after the men came home most returned to being homemakers.

I'm the only one that works in my family, I think sometimes women who work get a bad rap unjustly. I've worked a few hard jobs, I've been a hotel maid, a waitress, and a janitor at an elementary school. They may not sound so bad, but cleaning up puke, piss, shit, and semen all day for 3.00 per room is pretty terrible. Being on your feet 8-12 hours and having to eat shit from a bunch of jerks who speak to you very slowly. Getting your ass pinched by dirty old men and then not getting tipped. Those things can really bring a person down. I try not to complain, but when you don't have the means (or the time) to go back to school and get a good job things start to grate on you.
Yeah women don't put together bombs, planes, and "all that jazz" very regularly anymore but a lot of them still work just as hard. However for these women workers there is no relief, no idea of "once my husband gets back from the war I can stay home and watch my babies all day." Cut us some slack, many female bread-winners love their husbands and don't whine. I love my husband very much, but occasionally I want to be human and say "yeah I really fucking hate my job, I'm glad I have one, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to have one."

I know my writing is poor, but I hope I got my point across.

[Tadao]

Talk about fucking or shut the hell up

[NatRatBat]

One time I fucked this guy, and he was like "ugh you fuck like my wife." then after he creamed and I got off him he thew my own shirt at me and told me to clean myself up. I felt bad but I guess I deserved it. I mean who fucks their husband like a fucking wife...that's how people get divorced.

[Shrubfest]

We have a word for people like you where I come from. That word is 'Facestroker'

[NatRatBat]

Is stroking faces a bad thing?

[Fathom Zero]

it's creepy

[NatRatBat]

Lol yeah I guess if the person is creepy themselves. I don't think I'm creepy.

[The Leader]

I am so creeped out right now.

[Big McLargehuge]

So I'm a little old fashioned and I like my sex face to face with the man I married...whats wrong with that? At least I never got the clap.
Face to face? If you didn't marry the first guy to show a passing interest you would know there are better ways to go about things.

[NatRatBat]

Maybe for you, but missionary is my favorite position. I've had it different ways, but missionary feels more romantic to me. I don't care for the crazy stuff, but if you do then that's cool.

[Big McLargehuge]

NO, IT'S NOT COOOL, >:


:tear

[NatRatBat]

Hey man, don't get mad. Get glad!

[Big McLargehuge]

Don't. Breed.

[NatRatBat]

Too. Late.

[Big McLargehuge]

It's never too late. I think you can abort up to the point at which the child can buy his own milk with his own money.

[NatRatBat]

I don't remember that one getting passed, but I guess in this day and age...

[Zhukov]

When you said not face to face I thought you were talking about some sort of new cyber sexual experience that I hadn't heard about.

[MLE]

ZttW1fqkIXA

[Shrubfest]

Do you like to have missionary sex because you can look into each others eyes and feel your hearts beating together?

Do you know what I like to get out of sex?
Orgasms.

[NatRatBat]

That's nice.

[Fathom Zero]

how are you supposed to take it in the butt properly if you're both facing each other?

[NatRatBat]

I've got 7 of them, one is placed exactly right for missionary.

[executioneer]

...what

[Big McLargehuge]

She has seven buttholes willie. I don't think it was that unclear :rolleyes

[MattJack]

When somebody says missionary I immediately think of me putting on a hard hat and going to work hung over on a Saturday morning.

[LordSappington]

Well, there goes that position. :(

[MarioRPG]

Well, there goes that position. :(

Yeah, now you'll be imagining mattjack in a hardhat and blow right away.

[Fathom Zero]

oh god yes

[LordSappington]

:wank

[Chojin]

She has seven buttholes willie. I don't think it was that unclear :rolleyes

i just lol'd pretty hard at work, because i was thinking the same thing

anyway missionary boring sex 4 life, i think kinks are kinda dumb

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

That's for chumps.

[Chojin]

well i mean i don't feel the need to suspend myself upside-down from the roof to eat a sandwich either

[Big McLargehuge]

That because you've never eaten a sandwich upside down.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Face to face butt sex can also be used to play stomach sticks.

[Dimnos]

:lol :(

[Zomboid]

I broke up with my girlfriend on Monday and boned her again yesterday. Huzzah!

[Zhukov]

I managed that with my last ex (er, not the current one) and at the time I felt pretty good, but now I feel like she used me :(

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

I hope you cum blasted her and did an al pacino hooo haaaaa at the end.

[MattJack]

That because you've never eaten a sandwich upside down.

:lol:lol:lol

fckin solid gold, sir.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

What's better than a good morning blowjob before work. Good mooooooooooorning anal. Big ass grin at work.

[Pentegarn]

What's better than a good morning blowjob before work. Good mooooooooooorning anal. Big ass grin at work.

I see what you did there

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

I'm going to print out this thread and screen it onto a shirt.


I airhorned my girlfriends ass the other day when she was walking out of the room. It didn't make any noise but just shot freezing cold air akin to a fire extinguisher.

kids = marriage = no sex ever

[bigtimecow]

kids = marriage = no sex ever

no kids for me, but marriage yes. we still fuck like crazy people, all sex-crazed and retard-strong

one thing i'm really disappointed with is condoms. for the past four years we've been condomless thanks to birth control, but it's fucking with her body so she can't take it. a.k.a. condoms are back in

the worst problem we have is i pull out and the condom stays in :(

[Tadao]

Thats the best part because the condom is no longer your problem and you can just wipe your dick on the sheets.

[bigtimecow]

nooooo because it can go one of two ways:

1) i'm not done yet and now i have to retrieve a condom out of her vagina. ever try putting a condom on after you've taken it off? a lot of air gets pushed inside and it comes off even easier, requiring you to open a new one

2) i am done and now i feel like some of my cum may have grazed the insides of her vagina, so i get super paranoid and start doing the whole "OKAY SO IF I MOVE SOME MONEY FROM HERE TO THERE THEN WE CAN AFFORD A PLAYPEN AND IF I STOP BUYING RECORDS I COULD AFFORD SOME BABY FORUMLA EACH WEEK" etc. etc. freak out time

and wiping your dick on your sheets? come on bro

[bigtimecow]

I airhorned my girlfriends ass the other day when she was walking out of the room. It didn't make any noise but just shot freezing cold air akin to a fire extinguisher.


also is this like a legit air horn is that slang?

[Tadao]

I don't wipe it on my side of the bed. Geez.

[MarioRPG]

I'm pretty sure he means a legit one, hence the frozen air.

Anyway, so this non-sex-story happened when I was on a trip to Thailand. During one of the many legs of the journey, I ended up on Koh Pha-Ngan. I had been booked in a dorm room a good group. They were all chill and great time to be around as we had been on the island for a couple days together already. We had met up with a roomful of other girls that were all from the UK. And they were all pretty attractive, save one. I’m sure you can imagine why I mentioned that one.So, I had been interested in one of the cute ones. She was short, pale, but had a cute enough face that made up for it. We’ll call her Amy. Amy had a friend with her, Brenda, who was about 200 lbs, had a hideous fake tan (in Thailand? Seriously?) and just not attractive to me in any way. I don’t consider myself shallow, but there was no way I found her appealing at all. She carried her weight poorly, and she might as well have been 400 lbs for all the good it did her.

Enough backstory. We all went to some beach party that night, after heavy drinking. I’d been flirting with Amy; Brenda was often by her side. I went to grab some more drinks. I turn around, Brenda had followed. So, I’m holding two drinks aka defenseless. She does that grab-your-head-and-forcefully-kiss-you thing. I’m very thrown off and don’t know how to react, so I just say “umm… ok. Hahah” and walk back to the group.

Later that night, we all get a ride back. I desperately avoid eye contact with Brenda. We arrive, I try to duck into my room. Brenda grabs me and bluntly says “Let’s go fuck”. In the goddamn middle of the group. Holy shit, I have never been in this situation. Heres a brief play-by-play
:|: “Let’s go… talk over there.” I say, motioning to the stairs
:pac: “Yeah, let’s go up to my room!” she heads to the stairs.
I make my way to the staircase,
:|: “So… look… I really… don’t… um…” It’s at this point she starts crying. “Yeah… I, um… I’m not feeling it. You know?”
She’s crying pretty hard now, I’m trying to salvage this explanation. The only thing that comes to mind is the kind of shit you see in teen romance movies.
:|: “Um… well, my last relationship ended really bad. I… I just don’t think I’m like ready to do… that.”
For what it’s worth, she bought it. I just wished I had the balls to walk away then instead of trying to console her further, much to the mockery of the roommates who walked past.

[bigtimecow]

hahahaha brenda's emoticon captures how i imagine her perfectly. i will say that i don't hear many stories about girls getting legit turned down. the general idea around dudes is that they will bang anything, and really, i fucking hate that stereotype, and with your story that is also clearly not the case

did she have an english accent though? sometimes that can go either way: crazy super annoying and over the top (to add to her unattractiveness) or boner-inducing

[MarioRPG]

She had the accent, but an oddly low voice. And she would accentuate odd parts of words. "Oh, you're from CaWNada"

[bigtimecow]

this morning we had like 10 minutes to get ready for work and she was like "we don't have time" and i was like "oh trust me it can be short" and then we did it for like 2 minutes and she was like "wow! you are quick!" :( but i like intended to be so like :( i'm not usually that quick :( but she sees it as a plus because now we can like bone in the morning before work every day

[MarioRPG]

Alright, so I'm at this chicks place, and we both know we're gonna bang. But she's all shy and stuff so she's like "let's watch a movie in my room" so I'm like yeah, of course. She gathers her DVD collection which was a whopping total of 6 movies. I flick the pile, and it literally goes: chick flick, chick flick, some foreign film, Avatar, chick flick, FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS.
Clearly, my choice was the last film, because it's decent. So the movie is fifteen or so minutes in and we start making out, etc. Then we get to it, but the movies still on. And yeah, I don't know, giving it to some girl and then looking up to see Billy Bob Thornton yelling kind of sends mixed signals to my dick. I mean, sure, he's saying motivational shit half the time but sexing and hearing that gravelly voice doesn't quite add up.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN A GENTLEMAN AND PICKED A CHICK FLICK AND LET HER HAVE HER LADY ORGASM.

/JOHNCUSACK