Two poems I made.

[Spectre X]

The Pentagon.

The Pentagon
Cold walls, filled with wires
Like my veins
Wires wired
To a great big computer
Computing
Where to strike.

Desert Strom
Desert Shield
Desert Fox
Codenames
Making me cry out loud
If I had a mouth
The insanity
The violence
All steered from within.

Generals
Plotting countries’ demises
With the push of mere buttons
Countries are brought to their knees
Bombs everywhere
Bombs, triggered
Bombs trigerred by mere buttons
Triggered in me.

Admirals
Playing an expensive game of battleship
Very expensive.

Corridors
Huge corridors
They lead anywhere and everywhere
Everywhere in me
Wires wired to a great big computer
Computing
How to wage war
How to wage war is what is computed
In the computer
In me.

Calculating casualties
In me.

by Sef Joosten.






Spring.

Spring, kicking Winter in the back
Springing stringy stalks from the ground
Painting trees with leaves.

Spring, melting the lakes
Bathing in them with sunshine
Making birds chirp in an orchestra of nature.

Winter lying like a broken bottle
Broken by Spring
Broken in a thousand melting pieces.

Birds, chirping
Giving lazy squirrels a wake-up call
Wake up lazy squirrels
Nap time’s over.

by Sef Joosten.

[Spectre X]

READ MAH POAMS DAM YOUH!!!! >: >: >:

[KILLADEUCE]

I love that first stanza (is that the right term?)

The Pentagon
Cold walls, filled with wires
Like my veins
Wires wired
To a great big computer
Computing
Where to strike? <- i fucking love that line. Well done.

[Spectre X]

thank you.

[Wang]

pretty kewl but too long i went into a coma ten seconds in. heh

[Esuohlim]

DEAR WANG: EXTREMELY CLEVER. WHO ARE YOUR WRITERS WANG?

[Wang]

my writers r 92.9fm(radio st in aussie) and r u just hunting me down to insult me? cuz 2 can play at that game.ur on

[Esuohlim]

DEAR WANG: WELL TELL YOUR "WRITERS" AT "92.9FM" THAT THEY LACK THE ABILITY TO ACCOMPLISH EVEN THE MOST RUDIMENTARY OF ACTIVITIES, OK WANG?

[Wang]

actually it was the movie reveiw guy talking about j'los film but ill pass that along.

[Esuohlim]

What in fucking hell are you gabbing about?

[Cap'n Crunch]

He doesn't know what he is talking about Esuohlim, he lives in bunghole. :(

[sadie]

this thread made me giggle. esuohlim is cool, even though his id gives me a headache. :P



and spectre, i really like the analogy in the first poem, and you've got some good phrases. but it really needs some hard, cold images. when i read your poem, i wanna touch those walls and know why they're cold. i wanna be right in that "great big" computer room, compare it to the one i use every day. i wanna see the blood coursing through your body the way the data does through the pentagon. visualize every detail yourself. then, get specific. show me.

also, i'd reconsider capitalizing the first word of every line, in favor of allowing the thoughts to flow through the lines to their own ends. and a period at the end of every stanza doth not a well-punctuated poem make. :P



the second poem. very cool. great details. i like the idea of spring catching winter offguard and slamming him on the mat or something. i'm not sure how the melted, sunshine-bathed lakes make the birds chirp, though.

Winter lying like a broken bottle
Broken by Spring
Broken in a thousand melting pieces.
this image is so schweet. but i think the middle line could be much more telling. it's obvious who the culprit was, so maybe you could how it got broken or something.

oh. and whenever possible, i'd try to stick to present or past tense. verbs sorta fortify poems; strong action verbs do it best. the progressive (-ing) tense, especially, dilutes their strength.

[sadie]

this is why i always make such long, detailed, relevant posts here at imockery.