Best way to get a girlfriend??

[Jixby Phillips]

So... what is it? I'm always in the girlfriend market, and if you've got any tips to making myself more relationshiply viable, let me know.

EDIT: Made subject header more understandable.

[Krythor]

Walk your dog alot. :(

[The_voice_of_reason]

Buy a dog. :)

[executioneer]

LOVELINE FORUM >:

-willie

[James]

If anyone can help you in this department, it's me! :lol

Best advice I can give you, is don't get too close with someone you want to be in a relationship with. Then you just become nothing more than a friend, or you're just letting time pass, and they end up with someone else. Get to know them a bit, and then make your intentions clear, and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

I thought you were going to give us tips. The only thing I've figured out is to never ever jockingly tell a girl she smells like ass and onions.

[Anonymous]

I SAY THIS BECAUSE CURRENTLY YOU MOST LIEKLY DOING THE OPPOSITE.

THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ARE A NERD AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND GIRLS.

I WILL EXPLAIN THEM TO YOU, STARTING WITH THE BASICS.

1. GIRLS LIKE TO WEAR THINGS WITH NO LEGS.

2. THE SMALLER SOMETHING IS, THE CUTER IT IS, THIS IS WHY ON DATES I PRETEND TO BE REALLY TINY AND TALK IN A SERIES OF SQUEEKS.

3. GIRLS TAKE THERE CLOTHES OFF AT THE DROP OF A HAT ONCE PRESENTED WITH A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT.

4. GIRLS TAKE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING YOU SAY LITERALLY... LITERALLY

5. GIRLS FIND IT HARD TO MAKE SENSE OF MACHINES THAT DO NOT ASSIST IN THE PREPARATION OR CONSUMPTION OF FOOD.

6. GIRLS ARE OFFENDED BY ANYTHING THAT IS NOT DESIGNED BY OR FOR CHILDREN.

7. SOMETIMES GIRLS CAN SLAP EACH OTHER WITH THE HANDS.

8. GIRLS ARE KNOWN TO USE THE TOILET FOR REASONS OTHER THAN THE EXPRESS PURPOSES OF UNRINATION OR DEFFACATION.

9. GIRLS SUFFER FROM A VISUAL DEFECT THAT MAKES DOGGIES AND KITTIES APPEAR AS PEOPLE.

10. A GIRL CAN NEVER BE TOOO SKINNY, UNLESS OF COURSE
THAT GIRL IS NOT YOU

[Anonymous]

yes, this is a cheap shot for that lame-ass thread you started on here about cosmo and myself. let's face it...this thread is doomed to be as lame as the one you tried to start. so...let's find out who the real chojin is. some of you seem to know him better than others, so, let's have a go of it. put in your vote...maybe they'll even by a grand prize. cosmo, tell them what they've won...

WHO IS CHOJIN?

[ ] A virgin 18 year-old kid who spends his evenings in his mom's basement.
[ ] The crazed stalker of Lenor and believer that there was an actual torid affair.
[ ] My paperboy.

[Vote]

Show results

[Protoclown]

I TRIED TO CLICK ON THE VOTEY THINGY BUT I THINK IT MUST BE BROEKN :(

[Esuohlim]

I've never even seen my paperboy, but I'm going to pretend it's Chojin so when I get my paper I'd be like "Chojin threw it in a puddle again >:".

:(

And you get a girlfriend by sitting away from view and admiring her, but you never talk to her or be 10 feet from her because it's too dangerous.

[Jixby Phillips]

I USED TO HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS WHO WERE FAGETS BEFORE I BECAME A SECRET AGENT AND HAD TO KILL THEM ALL FOR BEING HOMOS. NOW I ONLY HAVE ABOUT 2 FRIENDS LEFT, MY REALLY BIG PENIS AND A BUNCH OF WOMEN WHO WONT LEAVE MY HOUSE IN CASE THEY MISS THE OPPURTUNITY TO GET SEX FROM ME

WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?

[] KILL SOME MORE FAGETS
[] SHOOT THEM WITH MY MILLIONS OF GUNS
[] BEAT A FAGET'S HEAD IN WITH A BRICK
[] MAKE FAGGY LOVETIME WITH THEM (THIS IS NOT AN OPTION I AM NOT A FAGET)
[] KILL LOTS OF FAGETS

[Vote]

Show results

[Protoclown]

WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP IT'S BEEN :picklehat

[Jixby Phillips]

ok guyz so i was in a psychology class and nothing special at all, but they said we could do psychological study stuff for extra credit. SOOO i signed up because it sounded fun. So the experiment if you will call it that was i sat in this room with like 10 girls. And i'm not supposed to say anything and they put this pheremone stuff on me. IN LIKE 30 MINUTES all the girls were raging with heat for me. Like fighting over me. So, then they let us in this other room with a bed. It was really dark and had lights overhead. So like... the girls practically dragged me in there. By this time it was only 4. The others came to their senses :( . So yeah, i had sex with 4 girls. it was great! Anyways, after the experiment i ran into one of the girls and she still was crazy hot for me. I already have a g/f though :( . So how do i let them all down? They are all hot too :(. I need to get some of that pheremone stuff. I sorta hope i run into the other 3, but i also am nervous about it. They really are crazy for me. HELP GUYZ!

[Jixby Phillips]

ok, so i have a girlfriend for a month or less now and we are both vegitarians and it is very sweet and we are happy. However, PROBLEM, she likes to masturbate with vegetables. She really likes it, i guess it is a fetish or somethin. whatever. I just like sex and i eat vegetables for their health benefits and because they are not dead animals. ANYWAYS, so... she likes to eat the vegetables that she uhh uses. She washes them though, but STILL. I guess it is a stupid question because i eat her out and it is fine and all, but i don't want to make salad out of stuff that was in her pussy. she doesn't care at all and says it is a good way to save money. ALSO, she just puts them back in the refrigerator. So like, i have no way of knowing which one she used. My parents are coming over for dinner next week and i don't want to cook food for them that we used for sexual activities. So what do i do? I don't want to hurt her feelings. I guess i could tell her to stop it for like one fucking day, but i still think it is weird. I havent been with her while she has been on her period. oh man that could be a problem. HELP DOCTOR MOCKERY!

[Jixby Phillips]

Hey everybody, I'm new here, please be gentle,heh,

anyway summer is over and I am just getting back to school (the class started late becasue my teacher was mugged) and it's a human sexuality class, ne way, I didnt think it would be a big deal, but when i got tot he class it was full of nothing but girls!!!!!!! I thought i was in the wrong place at first but they said it was the right place at last

so I sit down and then the teacher put on a record and she said "love time' and they all started taking foo there clotes!!!!! AND THEY ALL HAD SEX WITH ME AND EACH OTEHR and my question is this made me real nervous, should I do it again?? I know you think I am making this all up but it really happened and Im scared to go back because what if I don't do as good??? thanx in advance,

trip. a rick

[Jixby Phillips]

ok guys, so halloween is coming up soon and i have a question.

Last halloween my g/f and I both dressed as planet of the apes. We didn't have expensive masks or anything, just makeup and the closest clothes we could find. So at this party, we both got a lil drunk and back at my place we went at it with costumes still on sorta. So like, maybe it was the alcohol, but i REALLY LIKED IT. What do y'all think this means? Haloween is soon and we are going as Ike and tina turner. I'm gonna be tina though. hehe. So do you think i like animals, or people dressed as animals, or alcohol or what? HELP GUYZ!

[Jixby Phillips]

Okay so here is the probelm, I really love airplanes and I have a lot of them!!! NE way, I have a remote control one and I was at the park flying it around, when a girl came jogging by! SHe was very pretty and I kind of stopped paying attention to my plane watching here, then I realized I was actually flying it towords her!!! SO oen thing lieads to another and I accidentally put the airplane up her PUSSY! She really liked it a lot and I had to keep going so I went in and out and I had sex with her!! Well the airplane did, and when it was over she looked around for the culpret and I was just 2 nervous that she would be disapointed by my looks (im not ugly, but im not a backstreet boy)

So should I reveal myself to 2 her and tell the truth? I need my plane bacck anyway :(

[Jixby Phillips]

Okay today I was at a barn to suppervise a field trip and I had to have a cigaroo. So I went into the barn that the kids were about to come into and I started relaxing and I thought of this joke I heard about putting your penis into a hole, and then a farmers daughter came in (youve prolly heard it) NE way it made me horney so I got "IT" out.

so NE way I heard teh kids come in and my zipper got stuck so I did the next best thing to hid 'MR HAPPY" by putting him through a hole in the barn... Well what I didnt know is that there was a girl party going on over on the other side and they all went CRAZY AND THEY ALL STARTED FIGHTING OVER MY PENIS!!!!! I feel so bad about it because I ruined some friendships because they all couldn't resist so what should I do?

[Krythor]

walk your dog alot :(

[The_voice_of_reason]

BUY A DOG :)

[Professor Cool]

i hope you get molested by a priest

[Cosmo Electrolux]

THis is the weirdest goddamned thread I've rever read.....:(

[KILLADEUCE]

My best advice to give is , if you find a girl you really like, and things are going good... DONOT EVER TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL. That is unless you want them to ignore you and play those intolerable mind games... Of course mileage will vary as some girls react differently.. I have a feeling that once a girl knows they can have you unconditionally there is no challenge anymore so it loses that "kitsch" factor . but I learned the hard way.. AND IT SUCKS ASS!



3. GIRLS TAKE THERE CLOTHES OFF AT THE DROP OF A HAT ONCE PRESENTED WITH A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT.


MAn i dunno about that girl.

-------warning long winded rant------------------------

This last fling i mentioned (with all the telling of the feelings and sheeot) I brought her flowers every date. Teddy bears.. all that stuff. MAn i got played out like a Busta... I honestly feel flowers are definite must on dates but im kinda scared to bring them now... Some girls see flowers as an act of commitment or something... (im just talkin pink roses here) not what it realy is, just a token of affection. Everyone has there own perspective tho... Saddest thing is all i wanted to do was in essence "go steady" I wasnt talking love or marriage, just exclusively dating each other. I guess commitment on any level can be a scary prospect... Saddest thing.. This girl was/is a HOE (im not saying this as an insult she admits it herself- very promiscous) And i couldnt even get any ... ARGH I feel like i was used to clean up her emotional mess... You know that knight in shining armor thats always there for them and a complete gentleman that doesnt get laid?

Well i tell you what: Gentleman don't get laid... It really seems to me that woman really want a guy that will ignore them, beat them, mistreat them, Cheat on them.. than someone that would actually hold them down properly. I think it has to with that longing for something that's unhealthy... or something that you can never have... It's amazing what faults people can look past in there partners in the name of love.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not all about sex- The fact is i dated this girl for about 2 months and never pushed the issue- I tried, but hey, I figured it'll happen "when shes ready" HAH - Least she coulda down for this poor clown.

--------------- End rant---

Apologies for that long ass bunk post, but i had to get something off my chest. If anyone actually read that i commend you...

I will say one last thing, i need to meet more girls like Chojin lined out in her post- (assuming that Gay Alien Bondage Dog's are female - :) ) - Cause it is so fun to give girls flowers and watch em flip out over it ;)

[Protoclown]

My goodness Jixby! How does a strapping young lad like yourself have so many misadventures!? Why, it's almost unreal! Boy, color me amazed, I tell ya!

And you know what I like about KILLADEUCE? He clearly gets this place. I mean, he's not even out on the factor floor five minutes before he's screwing whatjamajigs into the thingamabobs like a veteran pro! Pal, my hats off to ya!

[KILLADEUCE]

Proto man, nice to meet ya. I caught you're pirate face pic's on an alternate thread. I tried to do one in the mirror this morning and gave myself a charley horse in the lower jaw, It's prolly cause i was trying to Scream "Rape the fields and Pillage the woman" at the same time :)

[Protoclown]

words fail me

[AChimp]

:bestthread

[Jixby Phillips]

I AM GREATEST MAN EVER TO LIVE IN RUSSIA. I HAVE FINE STRONG WOMAN IN MY LIFE. HER NAME IS HELGA AND SHE IS THE GREAT POPINSKI'S WIFE.

POPINSKI'S PROBLEM IS I CAN NOT DECIDE BETWEEN MY DRINKS AND MY WIFE! THE GREAT POPINSKI ONLY HAS THE TIME TO DEDICATE ALL OF HIS ENERGY TO ONE OF THESE THINGS. SO WHAT SHOULD POPINSKI DEDICATE HIMSELF TO?

THE ALCOHOL OR MY WIFE HELGA?

http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/popinski/soda-popinski.gif

[The_voice_of_reason]

Only alcohol can make Helga bearable.

[Jixby Phillips]

I don't teach ghosts about love http://www.ezboard.com/intl/aenglish/images/emoticons/mad.gif

"Spike Jonze is a little fucking bitch." -Malkovitch

[Mike]

Helga nye ochin lyubit' vodka? U tebya yest' stranno zhyena. :/ Ehh....Ya hachoo pit'

[James]

This WASN'T a serious thread? Well, I never!

I thought it was serious, and treated it as such. But it turns out it's just a big joke! Or maybe you are just backpeddling because you are such a loser!

I'm officially so cool now.

[KILLADEUCE]

mmmmmmmmmmmm Vodka-

Gray Goose isnt all that bad actually

[FartinMowler]

Take a picture of yourself with a vibrator. If girls don't find you handsome atleast they will find you handy. :)

[O71394658]

Definitely see this link:

The Ladder Theory (http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html)

If that doesn't work, send them this link:

Make Me A Sandwich (http://www.bitchmakemeasandwich.com/)

[wreckreation]

THIS IS THE INTERNET, TAKE A CHILL PILL

[soundtest]

Definitely see this link:

The Ladder Theory (http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html)


O71394658, after reading that I msg'd this girl I've been wanting to be with for like a year and pasted that link followed by "This is why I can never speak to you again."

Thanks! :)

[CaptainBubba]

I can't think of a single reason why this thread shouldn't be a sticky.

[crash0814]

Hey! I like Spike Jonze!

[sadie]

Hey! My name is crash0814, and I'm a moron!

[Royal Tenenbaum]

Sadie finally provides a useful and excellent response. :)

[Jeanette X]

May I suggest Match.com? I met my bf on there. We've been together for 7 months.
Hint: Use your AIM name. Then, pick out the names of people you like and stick them on your AIM list. Talk to them and see if its the same person. Sometimes it is.

[sadie]

omg. let me pop my jaw back into place, so i can say that you, snakeass, just haven't been paying close attention. >:

and jeanette, do you and your boyfriend live in the same vicinity?

[Jeanette X]

He's about 2 hours away. Could be worse.

[KILLADEUCE]

Match.com doesnt seem like a terribly bad idea, but i am very wary of doing any type of dating through the net... Half the time you don't even know the true Gender of some of these people...

I mean you meat a "Girl" on match.com... Wine her... Dine her... Get her home. Put ya hand's Down her pant's and ya holding a tree trunk...

<Shameless Dice clay rip-off>

[shadetree]

Go to the mall, jump up on a table in the foodcourt. Remove your shirt with a simple tearing manoeuvre. Beat your chest with your fists while shouting jungle-like phrases and uttrances.

Or else volunteer for something hot girls like. This does not include suprise sex.

[CaptainBubba]

1. BAKE HER A CAKE. BUT HOLD IT AT YOUR WAIST AND WHEN SHE PUTS HER HAND IN THE CAKE SHELL GRAB YOUR DICK. GIRLS CANT RESIST A CLEVER GUY.

2. SCALP HER. THE EVENT WILL BRING YOU CLOSER TOGETHER AND ESTABLISH A MEANINGFUL BOND. FOR BROWNIE POINTS YOU CAN THROW THE SCALP IN THE FISHBOWL.

3. VERBALLY ABUSE HER. THIS DOESN'T REALLY GET YOU ANY CLOSER BUT IF YOU DON'T THEN YOU MIGHT END UP KILLING HER.

4. MAKE HER A CARD. OK THIS ONE IS A NO GO. SORRY.

5. WEAR HER CLOTHES. THIS WAY SHE'LL HAVE TO WALK AROUND NAKED UNTIL YOU LET HER HAVE THEM BACK. TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE. ;)

6. KILL HER LOVED ONES. WHEN THEY'RE ALL GONE YOU'LL BE THE ONLY ONE SHE HAS TO TURN TO.

7. RAPE HER.

8. PAINT YOUSELF BLACK. JUNGLE FEVER. NUFF SAID.

9. USE THE WORD "CUNT" LIBERALLY. IT HELPS TO KNOW WHAT TURNS A GAL ON.

10. KILL YOURSELF. CHICKS DIG A GUY WHO PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

[shadetree]

CaptainBubba can you rape my face now?

HGUHUAGAHUGAUGHGOODHUAGUGHHOAOHOAO

[Blue]

I met my girl in a chat room and now were engaged eheh. Just dont bother getting involved with someone 50000 miles away. Its a waste of time if you cant see them.

[Phil the anorak]

So... what is it? I'm always in the girlfriend market, and if you've got any tips to making myself more relationshiply viable, let me know.



Go to a bar, take out your dick and hold it while crying. Failing that, get some Rohypnol.

Otherwise, just be yourself unless you are like Charles Manson. :)

[soundtest]

Go to a bar, take out your dick and hold it while crying. Failing that, get some Rohypnol.

Otherwise, just be yourself unless you are like Charles Manson. :)

LMAO Where does he come up with this stuff!

[Esuohlim]

CaptainBubba's #5 made me LOL :(

[Phil the anorak]

LMAO Where does he come up with this stuff!

Its called wit and u either have it or u don't!

[soundtest]

http://www.geocities.com/guail0/alf6.txt

[CaptainBubba]

Wait, wait. Is soundest refering to me, or the other retard?

[sadie]

phil, do you enjoy being worn on camping trips?

[Phil the anorak]

phil, do you enjoy being worn on camping trips?

Depends on where I'm being worn :conspiracy

[FS]

On camping trips. :rolleyes

[Phil the anorak]

I meant where on the body wally!

[sadie]

gee, i thought i recognized those buck teeth.