How to Deal With Death?

[James]

Serious topic, so no joking or retards needed.

Basically, it seems that my grandmother on my mother's side is in bad shape. She's been bed-ridden for weeks now with a disease she's had for a long time, and it's nothing she's going to bounce back from to my knowledge. My grandfather may also be on the same route soon enough, due to the possibility of bone cancer or other problems.

These would be my first major experiences with death. I've had a friend's father die, my great-grandmother, my cat, my uncle's mother, and my grandmother on my father's side. The person I was closest to was my cat, out of that whole list. And the hardest one was the wake for my friend's dad, because that was the one filled with the most emotion.

Personally, I imagine I'm going to be fine about their passing. But I don't know how to deal with and help my family when the time comes, or how to deal with the whole situation. There's going to be a wake and funeral, I know. I always feel very creeped out and uncomfortable at those. And I know that there will be a lot of family who will be wrecks, and I don't know how to deal with being around any of this.

It's not that I don't care. It's just I can't handle these things. When there's a death, I usually just shrink into a corner and try to be invisible until it's all over. But this is going to be the first time where it's something I'm going to be surrounded by, and I don't think I can hide or get away from it. All the other times, it was something I wasn't really connected to, and there wasn't much family involved.

So, I'm really not prepared for this, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't deal well with death, at all. Period. And for the most part, it's never been something I've had to really face head-on, aside from my cat. So if anyone has any suggestions for bracing myself for all this, and then dealing with the few days when it happens, I'd appreciate it.

[liquidstatik]

My mom died about a month ago, so I know how hard it is to lose someone close. If you believe in any kind of religion, it helps alot during the deaths of loved ones. But if not, try talking to your family about it, and get all your feelings off your chest. After about the first few weeks of her being gone, you'll get over it some. The worst part of her being gone will be the first christmas when she doesnt show up with the rest of the family. But after that things should get better.

[James]

Well, I don't believe in any religion. But I'm not asking how I should cope with it. I'm asking how to deal with everyone else coping with it.

Sorry about your mom, though.

[Ninjavenom]

Be as indifferent as possible, and don't say anything. Worked for me when i was little, i bet it works now, too.

[soundtest]

I'm no stranger to funerals and I can totally understand what you're saying. They're not meant to be fun. They are awkward, depressing, and uncomfortable. But...

Honestly? I think you're worrying too much about others... it would be my guess they don't expect you to do anything. If emotionally you feel stronger than they do in this situation, just try to be there for them. If you see a relative very upset, chances are some other family member will be consoling them. Otherwise just offer them a tissue... offer to get them a coffee or something to drink. Talk about other things. Listen to their stories about your grandmother. People experiencing grief are not looking for you to give them answers or to make it all better. Just being there is enough.

[Perndog]

I agree with soundtest. My grandfather died when I was about 14; it didn't bother me or my father too much, but the rest of my family was pretty shaken up. I found that the only person my dad needed to pay attention to was my mom (because they're married..) and no one really looked to me except to ask if *I* was okay. Generally, if grieving people need emotional support, they will ask someone who's not in the same situation they are, and like soundtest said, they don't need much, just an ear and a shoulder.

[James]

I don't even know if I can give an ear or a shoulder.

But what about dealing with being around it all? Not necessarily being there for others and whatnot, but just keeping my own sanity being surrounded by grieving, and not being able to get away from it.

[FreakinStrange]

Yeah dealing with death is really hard around three years ago my grandma on my dads side and my cousin on my moms side died one from a heart condition the other from being shot in the head. I had never been to a funeral before but the next thing I knew I was going to two funerals that were only seperated by a day.

[ScruU2wice]

I really hardly ever feel sad when people die, and people call me a monster for it. I devoutly believe in an after-life and i usually just feel sad for the people who have to go on without their loved one. Whenever i go to a funeral i just stay put and not talk alot. The most conversation i have is offering my condolences to the family and try not to say anything that will make them any more sad then they already are. If your not the grieving type, don't say alot cuz something might come out that might offend other people...

[Spectre X]

cry. Whenever you feel like you're gonna cry, cry. worked for me when my granddad died.

[Alphonse]

I've never lost anyone close to me. I think my grandpa on my mothers side is getting there though. :/

[Spooky]

My best friend died when I was 16, and when I was 18, My grandfather died. I couldn't take it, I was close to him, so I did something I never thought I would do. I hopped on a train, and dissappeared to Chicago for a week.

The point of me telling this story? Everyone has their own way of coping, so don't worry about everyone else.

[Perndog]

I don't know what to say about just being around a group of sad people; I try to avoid that kind of scene entirely. Since it seems like you don't really have a choice, I'd just say pick a spot in the back of the crowd and daydream until it's over.

[FartinMowler]

I alway's try to find a cousin or someone my age to hang out with and talk. Older generation like to see you there as a form of respect. A simple handshake and giving condolences is all most look for.

[Dole]

I think its a case of just being there for the people who are grieving..there is nothing you can practically do to help your family, just show your support. Its tough, but get used to it because its a situation all of us will experience again and again...thats one of the only certainties in life.

[Randomnimity]

My grandpa died just a couple weeks ago. I found the best thing to do was simply stay quiet and to myself, and people who needed the comfort came to me while other people respected my silence and left me alone.

This was also helped because I gave a eulogy at his memorial mass (he was cremated, there was no funeral.) If you think people will see you as insensitive, and are a decent speaker, just ask if you can give a speech to your family about how much he meant to you. No one questioned me on whether or not I cared after they saw my presentation; rather they saw me as strong because I could keep a straight face as I spoke words of good times past.

Generally, it seems, people will be too busy grieving to themselves or about your lost one to really worry how you act. I'm sorry to here about the death, and I hope everything turns out alright.

[pickleninja]

Some people cremate cats or give them a proper burial when they die.

[slavemason]

If your grandmother is still there mentally, maybe you should just tell her how much you love her. There's no sense in trying to practice lines or anything like that. Everyone here seems to have the only good advice, just be there. Without her, you wouldn't be here. Remember that.

When my Dad died, I watched the pain go away. He had an aortal aneurysm. He went down pretty fast, just like he wanted. It was just too soon. He was only 62. He had applied for his retirement benefits the same day. Huggins luck, he always told me.

It's time to think beyond yourself... and I'm not trying to start shit either.

Good Luck

[AChimp]

When my grandpa died, I joked about how he would get to ride on the Meat Wagon.

http://www.battle.net/war3/images/undead/units/animations/meatwagon.gif

[payne]

ya no offense i fell sorry 4 ya but why in the world would u tell this to millions of people here on imockery do u want attention go get it some whre else

[Anonymous]

Your nick should have been 'irony'

[glowbelly]

james, hit me up on aim the next time you get a chance. i've been through the death thing a couple of times over and might be able to talk you through some stuff.

i just don't wanna do it here.

[Rev. Danno]

Start drinking alot, alienate everyone you know...
Walk around, & sulk ALL THE TIME!!!
Never act happy, and when you do... be a wierd happy, a scary happy. Well that's what I'm told I did when my mom died. I don't really remember, I was really drunk for 3 years...

[Anonymous]

who the hell uses yahoo messenger?

[James]

ya no offense i fell sorry 4 ya but why in the world would u tell this to millions of people here on imockery do u want attention go get it some whre else

I specifically said NO retards, thanks. Please go away. I doubt anyone will be wondering what magnificant input we will be missing from you if you vanish from this place forever.

As to the rest of you who have basic human comprehension and a sense of logic (at the very least), thank you for your input. I guess I'm just worrying too much about this, and thinking that being surrounded by it all will be too much to handle. But I guess I'll just have to feel things out for when the time comes. And who knows? Maybe I will have a chance to kind of get away from it every now and then.

[Professor Cool]

One of my best friends died when i was 14, and what i did is take all my grief into drawing. After a awhile it started to make things seemed somewhat ok again. I say, put your sorrow into some kind of medium. It helped for me.

[Jixby Phillips]

I kept a diary about my friend Ben after he killed himself. It was pretty glib and kind of mean. I guess that's how I dealt with it.

[mburbank]

Don't bother preparing because you can't. Your reaction will be your reaction. Whatever it is, try to relax into it, not fight it or deny it. The only way to honor the dead is to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, odd, cold, bizarre, mean, drunk, affirmed, alive, whatever.

[Helm]

Grief is one of the most egotistical reactions man is capable of. So be prepared to be around losts of people that will be projecting this to a sickening degree. Be prepared that you will, too. Deny anyone the chance of discussing 'what a great guy/gal' they where and attend the bare minimum of assorted get togethers allowed by your lifestyle/religion/morality. Skip the funeral, if possible. If you don't, at least don't look in the coffin, if it's open and don't have sex afterwards. That's all.

[Rongi]

My grandpa's death never really hit me. He died a few months after 911 so I was a little shaken, but for some reason I keep thinking he's just with his family in Kentucky. Same goes with my mom's best friend, who was like an aunt to me. I just keep thinking she's still in Florida.

My uncle actually killed my grandpa. Not literally, but my grandpa was so dissapointed in him and his drug addiction that he couldn't take it anymore.

My grandma has a lump on her breast, but she says it'll go away. She wont go to the hospital. Typical italian grandma

[Dole]

"don't have sex afterwards" -I have heard several people say that grief is a natural; reaction to, and great way to deal with grief. Not that this will help James much.