Story Time

[CaptainBubba]

Once upon a time, in a far-away land called "Memphis Tennessee", I was going to a public school called Houston Middle where my 7th grade science teacher did not know that Animals was its own kingdom of living things. I spent most of my time playing Pokemon and Turok with my best friend at his house. My sister was friends with a girl whose brother went to a private school and thought I would get along with him since he played video games too. So the play date was arranged and I was going to meet Random.

We didn't really hit it off exactly but he had expensive video game systems and several computers with starcraft installed so I went over pretty frequently.

Now I should describe Random so you have an idea of why we didn't really match.
Random would spontaneously and erratically talk about his made up sexual endeavors or love of sex with the ladies. He once claimed that he lost his virginity at the age of 4 while skinny dipping with a supermodel, and though he was too young to have developed sexually that it "felt awesome". He boasted over 400 sexual encounters and would frequently begin singing about how much he loved sexing the ladies. Random collected trench coats and paintball guns and fake grenades, though he would adamantly defend their authenticity and true danger. Random would sometimes claim that he was in fact a Super Saiyan and would threaten to go Super if he was angered about something. I did not like Random.

Eventually Random ended up meeting my best friend and they just fell in deep guy love. I'm talking over at his house every day, emulating his every move guy love. As this progressed I ended up hanging out with both of them less and less. In one instance my best friend would not let me play a SNES game Random had let him borrow because Random had told him that I was not allowed to, because I was dumb and would destroy the game. Eventually my best friend ended up locking me in his garage to prevent Random from seeing me over at his house and getting jealous.

My mom transferred me to the very same private school random attended and I found new friends.

One day I decided this would be a funny story to tell my new friends, with Random being such a terrible character and all. They didn't believe me. They did not believe that there could exist such an obnoxious idiot. So began project Random.

The initial purpose of this project was simple. We all befriend random, observe his behavior, and then disappear having confirmed that he is a terrible mistake. I should point out that we were in 9th grade and Random was a junior also.

After the very first meeting with my best friends Random began calling them every day at least 5 times. He would walk with us in the hallway and generally considered us his best buds after maybe 2 days. They were surprised to find out that he was even worse than I remembered. He had developed habits like rapping about the "b's and the hoes and the bows" to my friend in a crowded mall, or explaining to my other friend what the inside of a vagina looks like when sitting down in the cafeteria at school. Of course he still talked about how awesome it would be for him to just bust out the super saiyan and kick some ass too.

In time he ended up being invited to hang out with us and some of our girl friends. This was a mistake. Random barely talked to them. He said maybe 2 words sheepishly and probably waved when they departed. the next day while talking to him about something unrelated Random began bragging about how he was dating 2 girls at once. We were curious and inquired further. apparently he was now dating both of our friends who had come by! We were pretty skeptical so we ended up asking them and they were confused since they didn't remember who he was.

We decided this would be the perfect time to enact the second part of the project, which is where we just cut off all contact with him and pretend we never met him. He would call upwards of 20 times a day and would yell at us in the halls. This was expected, and we thought it was funny. The problem was that his new "girlfriends" also would not pay attention to him, and this ended up escalating into an incident where he came into the school library with a trench coat on and threatening both of the girls with the "shotgun in his car trunk" if they didn't admit to being his girlfriends.

When the school went on panic lockdown mode and they said there was a kid angry at his "girlfriends" all I could really do was smirk.

[Grislygus]

Awesome. That makes my friends seem slightly better.

[mburbank]

So what ended up happening? Because the line between the crazy guy who's wiling to yell at people in school that he has a shotgun and the crazy guy who actually does have a shotgun is not always that thick a line.

[Girl Drink Drunk]

Man, I had a "friend" like that. He didn't boast so much on sexual conquests, but he would brag about how he has practiced various martial (surprise, surprise, the guy was overweight), and make detailed descriptions of games that he has played (that didn't actually exist), including some Duke Nukem Vrs James Bond, a Siphon Filter game for the Saturn (with random nudity), and an R-rated Super Smash Bros. movie. He was also obssessed with wrestling and whenever he rented a game I would have to watch him create a wrestler for 2 fucking hours. Somewhat similar to your friend he also talked about Dragon Ball Z and power levels :lol

[J. Tithonus Pednaud]

Everyone had a friend like that. If you didn't, then YOU were that guy.

[Zomboid]

That was a fucking great story. Truly awesome.

[Girl Drink Drunk]

Everyone had a friend like that. If you didn't, then YOU were that guy.
The important part is that i'm not that guy:lol

[Sacks]

I've met several people like that. The fact that you can usually share stories and laugh about them later usually makes up for their existence.

[CaptainBubba]

He didn't have a shotgun. My history teacher ended up searching his trunk and found a paintball gun which still scared everyone for some reason. He was expelled immediately and ended up going to the high school version of the public school I went to.

Last I heard of him was from my sister who still keeps up with his sister now and again. Apparently (according to what he tells my sister) he moved to California and is both a professional model and computer programmer, and is married to a beautiful wife.

What I gather from other sources is that he has a job at the movie theater in Memphis and lives with his mom and uses the entirity of his paychecks to buy things for his girlfriend who cheats on him like the dickens.

Guess which version I believe :o

[CaptainBubba]

Oh did I mention the time he offered to shove a paintball gun barrel up his sister's vagina to somehow prove to me that they had a distinct odor?(I never argued about this I still don't understand his motives :( )

[Sacks]

Perhaps to mask the scent of the steel so he could better sneak up on the commandos and gangs he has fights with regularly in his back yard.

[MetalMilitia]

Yeah one of my old friends used to do the whole "meet a girl once then act like they were his girlfriend" thing. It was fucking awkward to watch. Me and a couple of friends tried to get him sectioned once but then found it was easier to just stop hanging out with him and hope for the best.

I also had a friend that got denied entry into the US after threatening to kill someone on the Internet and getting arrested. Though I'm still not convinced that he wasn't in trouble with the police over child porn.

[Sacks]

This thread makes me wish I hadn't distanced myself from all the people I've known that are like this. I used to know a kid who would call himself Hentai Jeff and he was big on the 'anime convention circuit'. After losing contact for a while I found his screen name through a forum and somehow every time I tried to IM him to hear of his amazing adventures he'd be having crazy porno-style anal sex with a beautiful woman. Luckily he was a nice enough guy to continue having electronic conversations with me while explaining everything that was going on in great detail, and sometimes even the hot babe would take over the keyboard to fully explain to me how huge his penis was. It was legendary.

[Emu]

I have never in my life met anyone like this, but everybody seems to have a story about one of these people. Am I lucky? :(

[Cedar]

I have never in my life met anyone like this, but everybody seems to have a story about one of these people. Am I lucky? :(
Everyone had a friend like that. If you didn't, then YOU were that guy.
:/

[MarioRPG]

When did all this take place, again? Not that it matters because it was pretty damn hilarious. I really enjoyed it because I know a person or two like this.

I can just picture "Say you're my girlfriend. I TALKED to you, so say it!!!"

[Emu]

I may have been that guy, but I didn't go around telling people about my fascinations with whatever game I happened to be playing at the time. Not any more than anyone else, anyway.

[Fathom Zero]

I know a short, fat, red-haired girl that wears a tie casually and sunglasses all the time. She shouts weird things and makes signs in the air. I'm usually uncomfortable about it. She loves Daft Punk, but doesn't know who Kraftwerk is.

Then there was this fugly, self-professed furry bastard would quote Futurama without rhyme or reason. I think he used the following logic: He likes Futurama. People like Futurama. By the transitive property, people like him. NAWT.

Then there are those morbid bastards that think Poe is the greatest thing since sliced bread. They usually sulk away after I give them God's grace. There was a guy that killed himself because he "wanted to see the other side." I can't believe I'm lumped into the same category as them. GET HAPPY.

People try SOOOOO hard. Luckily there are a group of individuals that I can hang around with. It's weird, too, because we are the Academic Team. Every other academic team is made up of some of the aforementioned kinds of people. I definitely know we have more convictions.

Speaking of which, we had a meet today at this rich, pious school, Macarthur. Miss America graduated from it. Anyway, we lost. Bad. The other group got the topic "Books of the Bible" and we got bombed. To reciprocate, we took driver's ed posters back with us.

[Sethomas]

That school is rich and pious? What, does it give away lots of anonymous charity? Or does it spend millions of dollars on lavish sacramentals? I don't get it.

I was in the three main branches of Central Indiana's incarnation of "academic team". I assume the one to which you're referring is something akin to "Quiz Bowl".

Anyways, I've never been one of those archetypes, although when I moved to Bloomington with my cousin (who had never left this city from the time of his birth as a place of residence) always tried to paint me as one of those people when I'd interact with his friends. When he noticed this wasn't working and his friends seemed more interested in me than in him, he informally told me that I wasn't to go to their parties anymore. Also, he spent most of last year playing WOW, and despite this from preventing him from doing well his last year of college, strong nepotism got him into the Geology department at Rice. This is hilarious because his Bachelor's contained (just barely) only a minor in Geology. But, he hates life there right now so all is well.

[MLE]

He likes Futurama. People like Futurama. By the transitive property, people like him. NAWT. (...) There was a guy that killed himself because he "wanted to see the other side." I can't believe I'm lumped into the same category as them. GET HAPPY. People try SOOOOO hard.


I've taken out parts to show how much you sound like a high school freshman girl.

[Qwarx]

That was the best story I've ever read

[Schimid]

From about the age of 5 - 16, I totally was that guy!

Up until not that long ago I was an absolutely horrible compulsive liar. Though I never said I had OUTRAGEOUS SEXUAL ANTICS or anything, I often claimed that I had read EVERY Goosebump book to all of my friends, and used to be from Texas, oh wait, no, Miami, oh no, California. The claims I made became less and less relevant as I got older, but I can still vouch for the fact that I was a giant douchebag!

I feel like I've grown out of it, you should visit him in a few years (if he's not too busy sexing the ladies) :O

[Emu]

Maybe I was that guy, now that I think about it. I used to talk obsessively about my parakeets or my hedgehogs or my turtle. One of my friends (who was diagnosed with ADHD, but who I think actually had Asperger's) used to routinely push me off of a jungle gym and say he was sending me to "Birdy-Birdy Land" whenever I talked about my parakeets.

Granted, I was about 9 or 10 at the time.

[Zomboid]

Your friend sounds a lot cooler than you did :(

[Fathom Zero]

I've taken out parts to show how much you sound like a high school freshman girl.

That sounds better than what I tried to convey.

That school is rich and pious? What, does it give away lots of anonymous charity? Or does it spend millions of dollars on lavish sacramentals? I don't get it.

I was in the three main branches of Central Indiana's incarnation of "academic team". I assume the one to which you're referring is something akin to "Quiz Bowl".

What I mean to say is, they try to act meager, but everyone knows they're not. One of "pious'" definitions is "marked by sham or hypocracy." Not the whole, real piety thing

[Protoclown]

That was an awesome story, Bubba.

I knew a guy in high school who wasn't a loser (meaning he wasn't socially awkward or anything), but he was a compulsive liar, and he would tell stories about how the US Air Force would let him test fly their planes and how he had just crashed an F-15 the other day and boy were they not too happy about that. He also told us about this time he was fighting in a martial arts tournament in China just last weekend, and he managed to get through by seeing an eagle flying overhead, and becoming inspired as he realized it was this one martial artist friend of ours's "spirit totem" (the martial arts guy never talked about anything of the sort), he temporarily adopted it as his own totem and won the fight. We used to totally egg this guy on and pretend we believed every word just so we could see what he'd come up with next.

He had this friend though who was like 30, balding, and quite pudgy, who was an even worse liar (and he WAS socially awkward). He used to claim that he was in the Special Forces (branch unspecified), he used to be a male model, he was a voice actor for Japanese anime (in the original Japanese, not English, though he never did demonstrate for us his ability to speak it), he was trained in the arts of ninjitsu by a Korean guy while living in China, and he was hired as a consultant by the military to test pilot new battle mechs they were developing, because he was just THAT good at Mechwarrior 2. He also had a hideously ugly, fat wife who NEVER spoke once that I saw. They got divorced, and he eventually married a mail-order Thai bride who was also fat and ugly and never spoke in public. I would only see this guy rarely, but hearing his latest batch of outrageous bullshit was a special treat.

[RaNkeri]

Damn, how come I didn't know anyone who would come up with shit like that?

I know two dudes who used to lie back in elementary school times. Like this one fatty who claimed that his father had found a UFO from the bottom of the local lake, but once he had returned with a camera the ufo was gone. He also claimed that he had managed to outrun a thunderball which had chased him for hours(A remarkable action by someone his size).

Then there was this classmate. He used to come up with even wilder shit. Like the fact that his parents own an original Beatles album from the 60s, which would be worth millions if they'd just bother to sell it. His father is a policeman, this naturally gave him the right to drive police car whenever he wanted and he was allowed to test the weaponry of police forces. He especially said that the uzis used by SWAT were kick ass. :rolleyes
He also stated how cool it was to drive a fourwheeler of latest technology, which could hover over land. One time he told us how he once had been on a microkart track and supriingly the scientists of Ferrari were testing their own kart at the same time and naturally wanted to hire him as a test driver. Naturally there was ofcourse all kind of other bullshit, such as how he could cycle at speed of 80 km/h or how he had beaten up two grown up men who had tried to steal some girl's purse.

[Chojin]

I had friends like this back in elementary school, but I think it's something you eventually grow out of. :<

[Archduke Tips]

I think most people have weird quirks.

[MarioRPG]

...he was trained in the arts of ninjitsu by a Korean guy while living in China,...

That is the most brilliant thing ever.

[zeldasbiggestfan]

My friend Cezareo, who is Asian and this guy says he is too although he is black and looks nothing like someone from Japan, is STALKED by this creepy ass mofo named Jeff (the black guy). So, today I was standing with him and this girl Jessica. Jeff comes out and I'm like "Oh shit, here we go." So I tell him and his eyes get all wide. So Jessica thinks fast and grabs onto Cezareo and tells Jeff to fuck off because they were dating and she hated him. Fuck, he goes to me. Greeeaaat. So he babbles about how he's in martial arts and can speak Japanese and AMERICAN. He said he spoke AMERICAN. Dumbass.

So Jessica gives up the act finally, and he eventually says, "I could speak Japanese" so I ask him to saw a few words. Here's his response. "I lived there for 10 years but I forgot it all. Sorry."

"You never fucking spoke Japanese, you fucker."

He walked away. Cezareo sighed, Jessica laughed, and I just wanted to cry.

Fucking anime-fags dude, I swear to god.

[Guitar Woman]

I know, right

[Zomboid]

GOOD ONE ZELDA. YOU ARE CLEARLY A RIGHTEOUS DUDE!!

[Dr. Boogie]

Your black asian friend was stalked by a black otaku whom you confronted in front of some girl named Jessica?

[Guitar Woman]

Yeah, I was a little foggy on who the actual characters in this THRILLING SAGA were.

[Sacks]

I think it's pretty clear that zeldasbiggestfan just hates black people.

[Rongi]

I had friends like this back in elementary school, but I think it's something you eventually grow out of. :<

Yeah, same here.

My best friend in like 4th grade was like this. He used to tell me that playing Dino Crisis and Resident Evil was going to train him the join the army so he could fight zombies.

Now he's a raging alcholic punk kid with obnoxious ear gauges. He gauged them so much they cant even be repaired at this point. Aparently he puts his headphone through them :x

[Emu]

I had a friend swear up and down that the T virus was a real thing and that the government was experimenting with it at Area 51 and that Resident Evil was based on real events. He also swore that there was a black armor in LttP that did something or other. I don't know what happened to him. :[

[Rongi]

Yeah, my friend thought it was all real too. I remember I hung out with him once in like 8th grade at my friend Chris' house. He kept looking around all jokingly nervous. Finally someone was like "what the hell is wrong with you dude?" and he replied "this house is totally not zombie proof!"

in his defense, he had really bad ADD and his parents were monsters.

[Sethomas]

I was just talking about the main character in my life with renown social ineptitude. So, story time falls to me now!

So, my first week at college, it was a new experience of determining a totally new cast of characters in the play of life. Pretty soon, I realized that this kid named Joel was remarkably incapable of interpersonal relations, and many others observed as well. His reactions were so comical in cases that I had no idea how serious it was.

Anyways, in the Winter of 2003, he was living in a room attached to that of one of my friends. My friend observed that he put a sticker on his mirror with the name "Joel" on it, and we devised many theories as to why he would do that. When I was out for the Spring, my friends took to placing the exact same type of sticker over it that said "Larry". On a weekly basis, it'd be torn off and replaced with a Joel sticker, only to be replaced again with Larry a few hours later. At a party where my two involved friends and Joel attended, he made some remark about how he had theories about who was doing it and why. At that moment, my friends related, they realized that they were on a mission from God to seriously fuck with his head.

So, what happened from there was my friends took a picture of the mirror in such a way as to not include a reflection. From there, they had it photoshopped to several variations to include a number of characters standing alone in front of it holding stickers saying "Larry". The idea was to just send the best example to him in the mail, but there were two that were just absolutely fucking perfect. One had a guy dressed as a private dick hunched beside the mirror with a Larry sticker, and the other had a middle-aged man in a bathrobe with a huge smile holding a Larry sticker. These photos were given to a third party, who mailed them anonymously from a nondescript location to Joel. Weeks later, at a party that Joel and one of my involved friends attended, he pulled out the pictures and started talking about how he was pretty sure that the private dick was a guy on the 10th floor of the dorm whom he'd seen around a few times.

Now, this was the epic part: someone asked him, "so, how do you explain the other picture, then?" His response: "Can't you tell it's a MASK?"