Today's Headlines from Major News Outlets

[Sethomas]

...followed by a sentence or three that reflects either the mental image created by their poor wording, or the absurdity that people think it should be news.


(See ACTION MOVIE thread for background.)

Storms pound heartland; 2 dead
No, seriously, today in the national news there was rain in Idaho. An elderly woman died in Portland and a teenager was killed in a drunk driving incident. That's all the news for the entire country, but we've got some really shitty "personal interest" articles if you'd like to support our ad revenue.

Circle of men prayed, cried during temple raid
Sexologists and social psychologists are presently analyzing the implications raised by the first known instance of post-ejaculatory male weeping involving a Mormon circle-jerk, despite a statistical precedent set for Mormons who cry after sex or masturbation.

American 'sorry,' cancels 570 more flights
Americans in general are poorly-perceived on the world stage, but holy shit, this particular American takes the art of being a douchebag as seriously as if he were on stage in a televised douchebag contest judged by the pope. What is this, he's "sorry", but he can't help himself so he goes and cancels hundreds of even MORE flights? Who even gave him the power to cancel that many flights, anyways?

Nude photo of French first lady sells for $91K
Speculation is circulating as to how its value will be affected when it's re-introduced to the market in roughly three days with a visible residue of Jean Marie le Pen's semen*.

Glenn Beck: America's deadly addiction
If America can't learn to put aside their Glenn Beck habit, they'll end up like their brother... just another Glenn Beck overdose.

Bee invasion is 'like a horror movie'
You don't know shit about film if you don't know that the original "Wicker Man" was way better than the remake. The remake wasn't even a horror movie. Maybe you could say it was LIKE a horror movie, but whatever dude. You probably can't even name all the Terantino movies.

Shop sells cat-dung coffee at $100 a shot
(I just wanted to note that I first tried Kopi Luwak back in December aftere years of building up to the effort of buying it.)

Baby Gets Pacemaker
Look, you little shit, I've had THREE pacemakers after the first was recalled and the second malfunctioned. Did I ever get on the CNN frontpage? No, the most I got was an interview with The Washington Post, and if you think that counts for shit then you've got a lot of growing up to do.

Timeline tracks case of slain Marine
Analysts predict that, given their new applications in crime solving, timelines show an incredible amount of progress and timeline technology is only improving. Timelines are not immune to controversy, however, as many predict that they may soon experience emotions, raising a host of concerns of how we may ethically use them.

*French politics lol

[T-Rex]

Explicit graffiti pops up at elementary school

Explicit graffiti over a three-month period caused Longwood Elementary School to call the Sheriff’s Office again.

The latest graffiti showed up sometime in late March on the Longwood Boy Scout Hut.

According to an Okaloosa County Offense Report, the graffiti included drawings of numerous “stick people with male sex organs” and words such as “father (expletive),” “gay 4 life,” and “big (expletive).”

The deputy who responded noted the graffiti appeared to be random and not gang related.

[MetalMilitia]

31 Aug 1997 - 09 Sept 07: Princess Diana: Still Dead

09 Sept 07 - Present: Madeleine McCann: Still Missing

[WhiteRat]

According to an Okaloosa County Offense Report, the graffiti included drawings of numerous “stick people with male sex organs” and words such as “father (expletive),” “gay 4 life,” and “big (expletive).”

I live in Okaloosa County and I am definitely not Gay 4 Life.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

According to an Okaloosa County Offense Report, the graffiti included drawings of numerous “stick people with male sex organs” and words such as “father (expletive),” “gay 4 life,” and “big (expletive).”

The deputy who responded noted the graffiti appeared to be random and not gang related.


Those would be the worst gangs ever. I know there would be turf wars over the 5th grade bathroom and the closest seat to the door in class.

[Sethomas]

Next up for Pope Benedict XVI: a welcoming nation that wants to get to know him
Appropriately enough, they mean this in the "biblical" sense.

[Colonel Flagg]

Punctuation is very important ....

"Authorities find free polygamist ranch suspect"

and all they had to do was buy 3 Ronco slicer-dicers at Target. They're also running a 2-for-1 special on pedophiles at Wal-Mart. While supplies last.

[T-Rex]

"Wheelchair-bound woman survives after tree falls on her house. However, doctors say she’ll never walk again"

[JediScum]

Wesley Snipes busted for tax evasion

http://www.comcast.net/entertainment/articles/2008/04/15/ENTERTAINMENT-SNIPES-SENTENCE-DC/

Be ready for a vamp epidemic

[T-Rex]

New information on a thief run over by a U-Haul that he reportedly stole. We now have this guy's name.

The Palm Beach County sheriff's office tells us it all started when a man called 9-1-1 saying his U-Haul had been stolen. Deputies found the truck in Counterpoint Estates in Royal Palm Beach.

The man behind the wheel, 24-year-old Willie Lee Thomas, III, jumped out of the U-Haul with it still rolling. The van ran him over leaving him with injuries that eventually led to his death.

Police are still looking for the caller who initiated the manhunt and for any witnesses.

If you know anything, please call Palm Beach County Crime Stoppers at 1-800-458-TIPS.

----------------------

Self ownage.

[Pub Lover]

Brown meets Bush but overshadowed by Pope

[T-Rex]

Bald teacher loses disabled claim


http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44573000/jpg/_44573271_jamescampbell_spindrift226.jpg

The judge said Mr Campbell's baldness was not a disability

A retired schoolteacher who claimed he was a victim of disability discrimination because he is bald has lost his claim.

James Campbell, 61, formerly an art teacher at Denny High School in Stirlingshire, took Falkirk Council to an employment tribunal over the issue.

He told the Glasgow tribunal he had suffered from harassment at the hands of pupils because of his baldness.

In his ruling, the tribunal judge said baldness was "not an impairment".

Mr Campbell, from Stirlingshire, who is also claiming constructive and unfair dismissal against the council, said pupils at the school perceived his baldness as a weakness.

Tribunal judge Robert Gall

He claimed his baldness had a "substantial and long term adverse effect" on his ability to do his job.

Speaking during the hearing, Mr Campbell said: "How can I stand in front of a class with confidence to get on with my job when I am getting teased and bullied about baldness, when I think they are laughing at me all the time.''

The former teacher, who retired in 2007, said he avoided corridors in the school where he would meet pupils to avoid them shouting ''baldy''.

He added: ''I left school later at night after the bell went to avoid the kids."

'Big nose'

Mr Campbell said that if the pupils were prepared to call him baldy to his face, they might also assault him.

Falkirk Council argued that baldness was not a physical or mental impairment and was therefore not covered by the Disability Discrimination Act (DDA).

Tribunal judge Robert Gall said that because Mr Campbell's baldness was used by others to taunt him, it did not mean it was a disability.

He said: "It seems to me it would be to take the definition of impairment too far.

"If baldness was to be regarded as an impairment then perhaps a physical feature such as a big nose, big ears or being smaller than average height might of themselves be regarded as an impairment under the DDA.

"That, to me, cannot be right looking to the DDA, the guidance and relevant case law.'' Mr Campbell's constructive and unfair dismissal claim against the council will go ahead at a later date.

[Fat_Hippo]

That guy's probably just lazy. How the hell could he actually think he was gonna get through with something like that?

[T-Rex]

That's nothing. There's a teacher in the states who is suing for $9 million becuase he was fired for looking at porn. His defence was that he was making sure the kids couldn't access it.

http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=740464

[Fat_Hippo]

Yeah, that's pretty stupid. Either he's telling the truth, in which case he should have talked to whoever runs the computer lab, or he isn't, in which case he's just a dickhead.