Favorite Bible LULZ

[Sethomas]

2 Kings 2:23-25

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. And he went on to Mount Carmel and from there returned to Samaria.

Luke 11:11-13
"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"


I think that this passage was put in just to test if people are paying attention during Mass, since the mental image of a father keeping scorpions around and giving one to his kids as a joke is just too precious to not laugh at.


Matthew 22:8-14 (Parable of the Wedding Banquet)
"Then he said to his servants, 'The wedding banquet is ready, but those I invited did not deserve to come. Go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.' So the servants went out into the streets and gathered all the people they could find, both good and bad, and the wedding hall was filled with guests.
"But when the king came in to see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing wedding clothes. 'Friend,' he asked, 'how did you get in here without wedding clothes?' The man was speechless.
"Then the king told the attendants, 'Tie him hand and foot, and throw him outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'
"For many are invited, but few are chosen."


This parable occurs elsewhere in the Synoptic Gospels, but the additional "Send the underdressed asshole to hell to burn forever!" line was added to reflect the social climate of the Matthew audience.

[T-Rex]

Favourite Theory Of Evolution LULZ:

http://www.stock-monkey.com/images/bald-monkey.gif

This is your Great Grandma.

[Sethomas]

Nah, my favorite Theory of Evolution lulz was that Darwin was spurred to realize the relationship between heredity and evolutionary viability by his daughter's death, since her mother was his cousin.

[T-Rex]

Was her mother really his cousin? That's pretty interesting to hear after reading something from Angry Patriotic Bastards website.

-----------------------------------------------------------------


"The results are in! Middle Easterners really are nuts! (1/7/04)http://www.angrypatrioticbastard.com/images/spacer.gif

So the other day I was relaxing on the throne, purging waste and shuffling through the old magazines that lay in a pile by the toilet.

Seeking a little intellectual self-improvement, I picked up an old Discover magazine and flipped through it.

Within its pages I stumbled across something that both horrified and intrigued me. It was an article on human inbreeding—incest, to use a more accurate term.

The content of the article was a bit esoteric, dealing with the genetic repercussions of getting down and dirty with a family member, but what really got my attention was a color coded map of the world, showing relative intensities of incest in different geographical areas.

The U.S., Canada, Europe and Australia, for example, were all yellow, meaning that less than one percent of marriages in these areas were between second cousins or more closely related individuals. South America, China and other questionable locations were pink, meaning between one and ten percent of the marriages were the result of sketchy cousin-cousin or brother-sister pairs.

Yech! But guess what? Iraq, Iran, Pakistan and all those other chickenshit countries that are always giving us trouble were green, meaning that they received the dubious distinction of having the highest rates of incest—at least twenty percent and occasionally upwards of fifty.

Are you fucking kidding me?! No wonder those jackasses are big fans of religious self-mutilation, dictatorships and suicidal behavior.

The idea of driving a truck full of explosives into an embassy suddenly becomes a little more understandable when you take into account this statistic.

And imagine a wedding over there. How do you know whether to sit on the bride or groom’s side if you are related to both? Sheesh.

http://www.angrypatrioticbastard.com/images/spacer.gifhttp://www.angrypatrioticbastard.com/images/society/midEast1.gif

Yay! Between the four of us we are short 11 chromosomes! Yay!

So to all you West Coast, liberal meat-pockets and you touchy feely NY coffee shop patrons who all insist that everyone is equal and we all deserve the same amount of respect, maybe you are right that we all started off that way, but I’ll be damned if we are now.

In my book, Middle Eastern cultures forfeited any claims of equality about twenty generations ago when they decided to start and continue this cousin-fucking trend. If they want to be treated with respect, they will have to pull their cocks out of their sisters’ cunts before I will show them any.

For any of you who doubt these statistics or would like to see the info yourself, check out the August, 2003 edition of Discover. But have a wastebasket or bowl handy because what you find is going to make you want to vomit."

-----------------------------------------------

I think Darwin has some 'splainin' to do.

[Pub Lover]

LULZ, Seth? You're truely going to use that term? Fuck the world, I want to get off. :wah

[Fat_Hippo]

I always thought the part where God tells some people to make him a sacrifice, and then yells "thou shalt not kill!" at them when they want to kill a sheep was kinda funny. At least, that's how I remember it. Basically, it's just one of the many parts where you see what an ass God really is.

[MetalMilitia]

The part were Adam and Eve eat the apple and are punished THEN given the ability to tell right from wrong.

(at least that's more-or-less how I remember the story going)

[Esuohlim]

Guys seriously what do you think you're all doing do you want to go to hell >:

I'm praying for all of you so cut it out

[Tadao]

HHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

LIFE IN HELL

[Kybo Ren]

always a fan of Ezekial 23:20- but it's been toned down alot the last few decades.

and how can an all-compassionate god send people to hell? here's to Hitler in Heaven!

[MetalMilitia]

http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/2764/sciencevscreationismjd7.gif

[Pub Lover]

Oh for fucks sake atheists, go shit in your own threads. Also, creationism doesn't need facts, it's all about the faith.

[MetalMilitia]

Then they shouldn't say stupid things like "The earth is 6-8 thousand years old and we can PROVE IT!".

[Pub Lover]

Agreed. They shouldn't, but then those people are idiots.

[Esuohlim]

Y'all are gonna get it when Jesus comes back

[Tadao]

Did he get his green card?

[Kybo Ren]

uh- who Didn't Jesus forgive?
if he gets pissed at anyone, I'd lean towards a certain church that restricts his teachings, overturns the ten commandments, claims to be led by god on earth, and has a pedophilia problem.

[Sethomas]

Westboro Baptist?

[Grislygus]

I seem to remember something about people who were castrated not being allowed in church, somebody help me out here

[Sethomas]

I think I know what you're talking about, and I think it's in the Book of Acts. However, here's something just as good:

Galatians 5:12
I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!

This is St. Paul being irked about the whole argument of whether or not the new Christian movement requires circumcision from Gentile converts.

[Sethomas]

Hmm, Acts 8 was apparently what I was thinking of, but it just talks about an Ethiopian legate of the Queen being baptized despite being a eunuch. Eh.

As for later Christianity, castration was pretty taboo except as a secular punishment (I have a really fun story somewhere about a 14th Century lynch mob hanging people upside-down by their scrota) until around the Baroque era when castrati became prized singers. However, as far as I know they were still allowed to participate in the sacraments, they just were forbidden to marry because of their inability to consummate.

[Asila]

I have a really fun story somewhere about a 14th Century lynch mob hanging people upside-down by their scrota

Fun? I really don't... okay yes, I want to know.

[Sethomas]

i checked my source. Apparently, it was actually in the 12th century done under the orders of Thomas de Marle during his brigandage kick. The best answer I can see for why he did it was that he felt like it.

[sloth]

angry mob wants to gangrape angels. Lot offers his daughters instead. seat in heaven officially RESERVED.

Genesis 19:1-8

And there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground;

And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night.

And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat.

But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:

And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,

And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

[Tadao]

Anyone have questions about Jehovah Witnesses? I was raised one and know an awful lot about it. Let just say upfront though that our congregation had no signs of cultism (all religion is a cult to now though) that I can detect to this day, so some of the rumors I can't confirm.

[Fat_Hippo]

Did your congregation have a tendency to constantly try to convert people and to damn them to hell if they refused? Cause we have one in my town, and it has a tendency to do that.

[Shrubfest]

Who draws the pictures for the Watchtower magazine and other such pamphlets?
Why do they always make Jesus look like a 36 year old American suburbanite?

[Kybo Ren]

Why do the JW's give you a free book, and then demand it back? and when you refuse admittance to your home, they send the oldest able-bodied couple to guilt their way in?
Jokes on them, I kept their damn book- it's got pretty pictures

[Tadao]

Who draws the pictures for the Watchtower magazine and other such pamphlets?
Why do they always make Jesus look like a 36 year old American suburbanite?

They don't hand out the name of the artists or the writers. They don't believe that that matters.

He was 33 and 1/2 when he died. I don't see a cell phone do you?

[Tadao]

Did your congregation have a tendency to constantly try to convert people and to damn them to hell if they refused? Cause we have one in my town, and it has a tendency to do that.

They don't believe in hell.

[Tadao]

Why do the JW's give you a free book, and then demand it back? and when you refuse admittance to your home, they send the oldest able-bodied couple to guilt their way in?
Jokes on them, I kept their damn book- it's got pretty pictures

This is a rumor, this have never happen that I know of. Maybe you just suck and they hate you.

[Shrubfest]

I know How old he was, which is why is confusing that he looks TOO old. I just find it weird that they makin him look like a 90's business man in a robe.

[Kybo Ren]

This is a rumor, this have never happen that I know of. Maybe you just suck and they hate you.

Sadly it's true. the book is:
Learn from the great teacher
2003

the pictures are great (sorry no artist mentioned)

And I may suck, sir, but I never let them in to hate me proper!

[Tadao]

This is a comedy sight and I am drunk. Why else would I admit to being a JW in the pass. I kid, I kid. I hope doesn't mid that I have derailed the thread somewhat.

[Kybo Ren]

Let's get a fake Mormon in here- maybe they'll answer my mormonic questions.
the real Mormons wouldn't answer all my questions until I did their 2 year work slavery program.


and to stay on thread: Read Ecclesiastes! It's great for wisdom (quoted in "Renaissance Man") and it speaks badly of women

[Shrubfest]

just what i need!

[Sethomas]

I think that in Jewish tradition, you're not supposed to read Ecclesiastes until you're in your late 30s or something.

Oops!

[Shrubfest]

Not having read any of the bible yet, don't think i've got any worries.

Tadao, it's pretty obvious you're drunk, due to the mis-spelling. Well done! :D

[Kybo Ren]

Eccl. 7:26
" And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands: whoso pleaseth God shall escape from her; but the sinner shall be taken by her."

And don't forget: never question religous authority until you're dead.

[Tadao]

You miss understand Kybo Homo. I was raised JW and am drunk ate the same time.
Shrub : eye miss pel wen eye im sobber two

[kahljorn]

Exodus 4:25 that's all I have to say.

also if you're a jew you're not supposed to cook kids in their mother's milk!

or wash milk and meat dishes together!

[Kybo Ren]

You miss understand Kybo Homo. I was raised JW and am drunk ate the same time.




I didn't misunderstand- and I'm only gay for you.

seriously, kybo homo? you can do better, even drunk

[Sethomas]

Illustration of the Old Testament from a 13th century bible (NSFW!!)

http://www1.tip.nl/%7Et401243/mac/mac41vB.jpg

[executioneer]

man those are the unhappiest doin' it people i've ever seen

[executioneer]

no

[Mr.Hoopla]

I forget where it is but the one where David steals a bunch of philistine foreskins. I wonder if that created some sort of foreskin fairy for them?

[pac-man]

God is make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

[Grislygus]

That's nice. Moving on.

All Time Favorite: The Holy Spirit has female connotations in the original texts, piss the hell out of a preacher today by bringing it up.

[Trash]

One day I was skipping through the bible, and there was a part in the beginning of the new testament where god was all like "I FUCKING LOVE YOU" to jesus, and the next bit was like: "and then he sent him (jesus) to the desert to be bullied by the devil."

God how I laughed.

[Colonel Flagg]

I forget where it is but the one where David steals a bunch of philistine foreskins.

1 Samuel 18:25-27

[Sethomas]

He needed them for a costume.

[executioneer]

"trick or treat, i'm a serial killer"

[MetalMilitia]

The bit were adam is like "DON'T MOVE" and eve is all like "WHAT U R DOIN" then adam cuts a snake in half that is just about to bite eve in the head.

[executioneer]

and then adam goes off and you think he's left and eve goes to fill up her canteen and then a crocodile jumps out of the water and bites on to it! and then adam comes out of nowhere and wrestles it and stabs it to death

that was the best

[Kybo Ren]

Finaly found one of my favorite "bible verses" of all time:
From chapter 35:
"And Jesus was eight years old, and he left Jericho and went toward the Jordan. And there was beside the road, near the bank of the Jordan, a cave in which a liones was feeding her cubs; no one could take the road with safety. Now Jesus, coming from Jericho and having learned that a lioness had given birth in that cave, entered it within sight of everyone. But as soon as the lions saw him, they ran to meet him and worshiped him. And Jesus sat down in the cave, and the cubs ran this way and that around his feet, caressing him and playing with him. The old lions, however, remained at a distance with their heads bowed; they worshiped him and slowly wagged their tails before him. Then the people, standing far from the cave and not seeing Jesus, said, 'If he or his parents had not committed great sins, he would not have offered himself to the lions.' And while the people were having these thoughts and feeling overwhelmed with sadness, suddenly, in the presence of all, Jesus came out of the cave, with the lions preceding him and the cubs playing at his feet. His parents stood far off, because of the lions, and did not dare to join them. Then Jesus said to the people, 'How much better than you are wild beasts, which recognize their Master and glorify him, while you, men, created in the image and knowledge of God, do not know him. Beasts recognize me and become meek; men see me and do not recognize me.' "
From Chapter 36:
"After this, Jesus crossed the Jordan with the lions in the sight of all, and the water of the Jordan parted to the left and to the right. Then he said to the lions in such a way as to be heard by all, 'Go in peace and do not harm to anyone; but let no one harm you until you have returned to the place from which you came.' And the lions saluted him, not with their voices, but with the attitude of their bodies, and went back into the cave. And Jesus returned to his mother."

translated from the Latin version of Saint Jerome


8 year old Jesus talking down to humans, kicking it with lions whom he encourages to defend themselves (if necessary) and doing the old water parting trick (sans staff, eat it Moses), missing years Jesus rocks! also schooling the scholars is swell as well.

[Sethomas]

...except that's not actually from the bible.

Where's that expression from?
-Chapter 35.
Chapter 35 of...?
-The Bible, jackass!!

[Kybo Ren]

i said "bible verses"
what no love for the Jerome? Ned Flanders likes it
and what about Thomas?
"To pretend they do not exist because we do not see them is like pretending that we never sleep because we have never caught ourselves asleep."

I just can't abide by learning only what the church says we should learn. the pope's a jerk- I liked him better as a jr nazi then the spiritual leader of millions who damns all non-catholics to hell. way to spread the love

[Sethomas]

Yes, you did say "bible verses", and therein lies the evidence that you are stupid.

Jerome did not write The Gospel of Thomas. Also, the bible was not written by Joseph Ratzinger. Also, you are stupid.

[Fathom Zero]

It was written by John Ratzenberger

[Kybo Ren]

Yes, you did say "bible verses", and therein lies the evidence that you are stupid.

Jerome did not write The Gospel of Thomas. Also, the bible was not written by Joseph Ratzinger. Also, you are stupid.


"bible verses" not bible verses
jerome DIDN'T? here I thought God came down and wrote everything with a burning pencil
Also, John Ratzenberger rules- props to Major Derlin
Also, "the book of Norm" gives real insight on not coveting wives
Also, everyone's stupid by someones standard- lucky I'm in America where the bar is real low
USAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSA

[kahljorn]

so I don't know if you guys read the one I posted but it went like this:

Moses was doing what god wanted and had befriended aaron and what-whores and was buddies with god and was walking to egypt to do his tasks when suddenly he comes to kill moses to kill his friend/accomplice and so his wife cuts off someone's foreskin and throws it at his feet and says YOU ARE A BRIDEGROOM OF BLOOD and so god leaves.

Foreskins protect you from god and apparantly you marry foreskins?

[kahljorn]

Oh I guess my bible verse wasn't cool enough for your ugly fucking bible-ingesting vaginas.