Anyone know a good joke?

[Dimnos]

Three times today someone has tried telling me a joke only to present the same old lame jokes you have herd a million times. I need to hear a new one. Anyone have anything good?

[Shyandquietguy]

When I clicked on this thread I forgot I had you on my ignore list.

[Dimnos]

fat load of good that list did you.

[Shyandquietguy]

Everyone who has Dimnos on their ignore list should visit this thread! 8)

[Fathom Zero]

Knock Knock

[Tadao]

Everyone who has Dimnos on their ignore list should visit this thread! 8)

Why, what did he say?

[Jeanette X]

Three times today someone has tried telling me a joke only to present the same old lame jokes you have herd a million times. I need to hear a new one. Anyone have anything good?

A man walks into a bar. Above the bar is a magnificent silver shield, beautifully etched. He orders a drink, and sits there, admiring it.

"What is that shield from?" he asks the bartender.

"That shield is for the man who can complete two great challanges. So far, no one has ever won it."

"What are these challanges?"

"Well, first, you need to go out in the yard, where we keep a vicious Rottweiler. This dog is mean. He's got a rotten tooth, and your first task is to pull the tooth from his mouth."

"The next great challange is to go upstairs, and fuck the dirtiest, fattest, most diseased whore on the face of this Earth."

"If you can complete these two challanges, the shield is yours."

The man sits there quietly, contemplating this beauty of this shield. He orders drink after drink, staring up at it. Finally, after getting blind staggering drunk, he rises to his feet.

"I'LL DO IT!" he shouts, swaying drunkenly. "I'LL WIN THAT SHIELD AND BE RICH!"

"RIGHT ON!" the bartender claps the man on the back, and steers him to the back door, where the dog stands waiting. He closes the door, and these are the sounds he hears:

"Grrr....GRRRR! RRRROWR! *snarl* RAWF! RAWF! RAWF! RWAF! RWAF R-YIP! YIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIP!" *whimper* *whinewhinewhine*

The man kicks the door open, his body covered in bites and claw marks, and he says:

"Okay, that's done! Now where's the fat whore with the bad tooth?!"


Your feedback on my version of The Aristocrats would also be greatly appreciated:
http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69699956

[bigtimecow]

that was good jeanette!

omgsmg: i have a joke; bigtimecow sits in front of the computer screen and tries to think of a joke

:( fuck this thread

[Esuohlim]

A bunch of California cities walk into a bar, and the Anaheim Ducks :(

idk shut up

[Badabing]

here's an insult generator
http://www.insultme.net/

[Esuohlim]

Thank you for this do you know anymore websites on the internet

[Fathom Zero]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boggle

[Guitar Woman]

pirate walks into bar, steering wheel in pants, "is that thing bothering you," "aar, drivin' me nuts," haha, raucous laughter

[MetalMilitia]

If Jesus was a fish what job would he have?

CARPenter.

[McClain]

What's the difference between a Jaguar and a pile of dead hookers?


I don't have a Jaguar in my garage.

[Dimnos]

That insult generator site is pretty cool. I liked Zombie Sniffing Beaver Grabber. lol good stuff.

[Jeanette X]

that was good jeanette!


Thank you. I've got another.

A man enters a prospecting town in the Old West. He walks into the nearest saloon.

"I'm new here in town. Where are all the women?"

The bartender chuckles. "Ain't no women here yet son."

The man is deeply dissapointed. "But...but what do you do to get off?"

The bartender points out the window at a large barrel.

"You see that barrel? You stick it in there, and its not bad."

The man goes outside and gives it a try. Sure enough, it isn't bad at all.

He comes back in. "That was pretty nice. How often can I do that."

"Every day...except Wednesday."

"Why not Wednesday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

[bigtimecow]

hahahah! that one was good too. when i first started reading it i thought it was this joke (jackie martling):


a guy pulls up to an almost barren old town. he sees a general store and out front is an old man sitting in a rocking chair. he's missing a few teeth and looks dirty as all hell. the guy walks up to the old man and says,

"this is a pretty strange looking town; what do you guys do around here?"

the old man replies, "we don't do nothin' but hunt and fuck."

"what do you hunt?"

"somethin' to fuck!"

:lol

[Jeanette X]

I've got another one running along the same line:

A man enters a prospecting town in the Old West. He walks into the nearest saloon.

"I'm new here in town. Where are all the women?"

The bartender chuckles. "Ain't no women here yet son."

The man is deeply dissapointed. "But...but what do you do to get off?"

The bartender says, "We use the animals."

The man is repulsed. "Ugh! Thanks but no thanks."

As he leaves the bar, he sees a sow snuffling in the sewer. He's quite drunk, and maybe its his imagination, but for a moment it looks like the sow winked at him. He brushes this off and goes home.

The next day he's at the bar, and he's drinking even more heavily. As he leaves the bar, the same sow is in the sewer. This time, he thinks the sow bats her eyelashes and wiggles her ass at him. He's taken aback, but ignores it and goes home.

The third day, he's at the bar, and he's getting blind drunk, drunk enough to forget his own name. As he staggers out the bar, he sees the sow. The sow is now doing a sexy dance for him, and he simply can't take it anymore.

He leaps upon the pig, and frantically undoes his belt. As he does so, a shot rings out, and he falls over, dead.

From across the road, a man with a gun swaggers up to him, and looks down at the body, and says:

"Nobody jumps the sheriff's gal."

[Dimnos]

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

[bigtimecow]

another one from jackie martling:

a husband and wife wake up in their bed for a normal day, but before they get out of bed the wife says, "i had a dream last night. they were auctioning off penises. big ones were $100 and little ones were $10."

the husband says, "what about something like mine?"

"they were givin' 'em away."

the husband says, "well i had a dream last night too. they were auctioning off vaginas. little ones were $100 and big ones were $10."

the wife says, "what about something like mine?"

"that's where they held the auction."


ahhhh marriage

[liquidstatik]

What's the difference between a Jaguar and a pile of dead hookers?


I don't have a Jaguar in my garage.

The one I heard replaced hookers with dead babies, but either way I guess :x

[MetalMilitia]

I just thought of a new one!

Why did Monica Lewinski have an affair with Bill Clinton?

Because she was a SAX pervert!

:lol :lol :lol

[Dr. Boogie]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a Double Entendre, so the bartender gives it to her.

[MetalMilitia]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To achieve a stupid punchline.

[LordSappington]

The one I heard replaced hookers with dead babies, but either way I guess :x

I heard this one kid continue on with 'How do you move the babies? WITH A PITCHFORK!'
Does anybody understand that? If it has some meaning, I sure as hell can't find it

[Tadao]

You would have to be from Ohio to get that one.

[MetalMilitia]

He just got it wrong the joke is actually:

What's the difference between bowling balls and dead babies?

You can't move bowling balls with a pitchfork.

[Tadao]

Why do you put ducttape around a hamster?

So when you fuck it, it won't explode.

[Dimnos]

Why do you put ducttape around a hamster?

So when you fuck it, it won't explode.


rofl

[Dimnos]

Bungee jumping is much like getting a blowjob from an ugly chick. Yea it feels great but HOLY SHIT dont look down.

[Jeanette X]

A man enters a bar, looking deeply upset. He orders a shot of whiskey.

"What's the matter?" asks the bartender.

"My son just told me he's gay, I'm not sure how to handle it." says the man.

"Must be difficult." says the bartender.

The man eventually leaves.

The next day, the man enters the same bar, looking even more upset. He orders two shots of whiskey.

"Wow, you look like hell." says the bartender. "What happened?"

"My other son just told he's gay! Jesus, I could hardly deal with the first!"

"Wow, that's pretty rough." says the bartender.

The man eventually leaves.

The next day, the man comes in, totally haggard, looking like he's just had the shock of his life. He sits down, and asks for five shots of whiskey.

"Jeez! Isn't anyone in your family attracted to women?" says the bartender, incredulously.

"Yeah." The man replies. "My daughter!"

[McClain]

After a long day at work, a man sits down alone in the back of an empty pub.
Half way through his first beer he hears a feint voice that says, "Nice shoes!" The man looks around but the only other person in the bar is the bartender. The man shrugs off the voice and orders another beer.
Half way through his second beer he hears the same voice again, except this time it says, "Nice tie!" The man is a bit shaken and looks around to find no one remotely close to him. Shrugging it off again he orders his third beer.
Half way through is third beer the voice speaks again. "Nice slacks!" it says. Confused and a bit scared, the man walks briskly up to the bar and tells the bartender that he thinks he's hearing voices in the back of the bar.
"What's it saying?" asks the bartender.
"Well, first the voice told me nice shoes. Then nice tie. Then it was nice slacks."
"Oh," said the bartender. "Don't worry about that. It was the peanuts. They're complimentary."

[Jeanette X]

Two men are in a bar, talking quietly. They seem to come to an agreement, and they shake hands.

One of the men approachess the bartender, and says:

"I bet you a hundred dollars that I can stand on top of the bar, and pee blindfolded into that empty beer glass and not spill a drop."

The bartender is incredulous.

"You've got yourself a bet pal. I'd sure like to see this."

The man climbs on top of the bar, and puts on a blindfold, pulls out his dick, and starts to pee. He completely misses the glass, of course, and it gets everywhere.

"You lost buddy. You didn't even get any pee in the glass."

The man comes down from the bar, grinning widely, and starts to count out the hundred dollars to the bartender who is now cleaning piss of his bar.

The bartender says, "You just lost a hundred bucks! Why do you look so happy?"

The man says, "Because I bet that guy over there two hundred bucks that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't even get mad!"

[bigtimecow]

that reminds me of yet ANOTHER jackie martling joke, retold by me in a completely different way because i have a horrible memory (sorry i'm so unoriginal guys :():

a man gets back from the military, done serving in the war. he's home, and meets wit ha friend.

his friend asks, "so how was it?"

the man replies, "the only really bad part about the war was that sometimes we'd be out and away from food for so long that we'd have to eat our own shit."

the other man says, "wait, so you mean to tell me you eat your own shit, and you don't mind?"

"yes"

"well, i have an idea. we could make a lot of money off of this. we could bet people that you would eat your own shit!"

the two men head off to a bar and find two bookies who want in on the bet.

one bookie says, "alright, let's do this. nobody can eat their own shit."

the man squats, pinches a loaf in his pants, reaches in, pulls it out, and starts to eat it. then, halfway through, he stops, and pukes all over the bookies. the two bookies beat up the two men and walk out of the bar.

the man's friend says to him, "what happened? why didn't you eat the shit?"

the man says, "there was a hair on it."

[bigtimecow]

oh man, two this time:

a man walks into a restaurant and takes a seat up at the bar. he orders to the waitress, "get me a big bowl of chili."

the waitress points to another man a few seats down the bar and says, "sorry sir, that man got the last bowl"

the man looks down the bar and realizes that this guy has barely eaten any of his chili and he looks done. he asks the man, "hey, you gonna eat the rest of that?" the guy says "nah, help yourself."

the man begins to eat the chili, and as soon as he gets to the bottom he finds a dead mouse.

"wh... WHLAAA!!" he pukes all the chili back into the bowl. and then the other guy at the bar says, "yeah, that's about as far as i got too"

[bigtimecow]

three even!

a man walks into a restaurant and takes a seat at the bar. he sees a sign on the wall that says "cheese sandwich $5, handjob $10."

he calls the waitress over and says "are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

she nods.

"wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich"

[Jeanette X]

A clean joke this time:

A man and his servant are travelling in the desert. He says to his servant:

"Now watch the camel and make sure it doesn't wander away while I sleep!"

The servant nods and agrees, but the man is worried because he knows his servant is something of a daydreamer.

The man lays down to sleep, but he can't. After a while, he asks his servant:

"What are you thinking about?"

The servant replies:

"I was just wondering how many stars are in the sky."

The man again lays down to sleep, but he can't. After a while, he asks his servant:

"What are you thinking about?"

The servant replies:

"I was just wondering how many grans of sand are in the desert."

The man again lays down to sleep, but he can't. After a while, he asks his servant:

"What are you thinking about?"

The servant replies:

"I was just wondering who's going to carry everything now that the camel is gone."

[bigtimecow]

:lol gotta love a good clean joke every now and then I GUESS :lol

[McClain]

A guy walks in to a bar to find his best friend drunk and sobbing on a barstool.

"What's wrong with you?" he asks.

"I puked all over my shirt again. My wife is gonna' kill me!" the drunk guy slurs.

"Don't worry about it," said his friend. At that, his friend pulls money out of his wallet. "You take this $10 bill and put it in your front pocket. When your wife sees the puke tell her that some other guy did it and he felt so bad for puking on you that he offered to pay your cleaning bill."

The drunk guy thinks it's a great idea and stumbles out of the bar and to his house. Just as he reaches to open the door his wife swings it open and notices he's drunk and soaked with vomit. She immediately starts to berate him for puking on himself again.

"No honey, it's not my fault... some other guy puked on me. See?" The drunk pulls the money out of his pocket and waves it in her face. "He felt so bad he gave me ten bucks" said the drunk.

His wife snatches the bill from his hand, and after examining the bill said, "Honey, this is a twenty dollar bill. What's the other ten for?"

"Oh?" said the drunk. "Well, he shit in my pants, too."

[Dimnos]

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

[Dimnos]

A teacher was working with a group of children,trying to broaden their horizons through sensoryperception. She brought in a variety of lifesavorcandies and told the kids to close their eyes andtaste each flavor. The kids easily identified thetaste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when theteacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavors, theywere all stumped."I'll give you a hint," said the teacher, "It'ssomething your mommy and daddy probably call eachother all the time."Instantly one of the kids coughed his onto thefloor and shouted, "Quick, spit them out - they'reassholes!"

[Dimnos]

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

I went to the beach yesterday and burned the top of back real bad. So I told my friend I felt like Burnt Backarach.

[bigtimecow]

:lol

[Jeanette X]

This joke actually dates back to the Nixon administration, but it still works.

Bush is on vacation and he's swimming in the ocean. Suddenly, an undertow starts to drag him down, and he screams for help. A young man sees the President's distress and rushes into the water, and pulls him to safety, saving his life.

As soon as Bush stops coughing up seawater and regains his composure, he begins thanking the young man profusely.

"You've saved my life! How can I ever repay you?! I owe you a debt of gratitude, I'll give you whatever you want!" says Bush.

The young man just looks at his shoes, and mumbles:

"Look, just don't tell anyone, okay? If my Dad finds out that I saved George W. Bush he'll kill me!"

[DALI-II]

Two drunks walk into a bar. You think one of them might have ducked.

[Jeanette X]

President Bush is in the White House late one night, agonizing about what to do for the country.

"Oh, if only I knew what to do for the good of the country!" he laments.

Suddenly, the ghost Lyndon Johnson appears, and says:

"Don't make the mistakes I made in Vietnam! Pull out of Iraq!"

Johnson's ghost then dissapears.

The president doesn't like this answer, and again he says:

"Oh, if only I knew what to do for the good of the country!"

Suddenly, the ghost of James Monroe appears, and says:

"You must repeal the unconstitutional parts of the Patriot Act!"

Monroe's ghost then dissapears.

The president doesn't like this answer either, and again he says:

"Oh, if only I knew what to do for the good of the country!"

Suddenly, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears, and says:

"You know, you've been under a lot of stress. Why don't you take a night off and see a play?"

[Blue Fox]

a man goes into a bar with his pet monkey. he sits down and orders a drink and immediately the monkey goes nuts, running around and throwing stuff everywhere. he finally jumps up on the pool table and eats the 8 ball. the bartender is furious at this point and tells the man to leave until he can keep his monkey under control.

so the man leaves and returns to the bar about a week later, monkey in tow. once again the monkey is out of control. the bartender is about to say something when all of a sudden

[Blue Fox]

heh, srry bout that, anyway...

all of a sudden the monkey jumps up on the bar. it picks up a peanut, shoves it up it's butt, pulls it out, and proceeds to eat it.

overwhelmed with curiousity the bartender turns to the man, "what the hell was that?" he asks.

"oh," the man replies, "ever since he ate that pool ball, he measures everything first."


hee hee. why do all jokes happen in a bar?

[Jeanette X]

The Pope, a schoolboy, and George W. Bush are on an airplane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a fatal heart attack, and the plane starts to fall out of the sky, and there are only two parachutes available. The Pope turns to the others and says:

"I've lived a long and fruitful life. Each of you take a parachute and don't worry about me."

The president grabs one, straps it on, and jumps out of the plane.

The boy watches him go, turns to the Pope and says:

"Go ahead and grab one."

The Pope says:

"What do you mean? There's only one left!"

The boy shakes his head.

"No, there's two. The president took my backpack."

[Sethomas]

So a bear walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we'd get our liquor license revoked if we served an animal any kind of drug. Unfortunately, alcohol is a drug." So, the bear asks for a cigarette and the bartender says, "I'd love to, pal, but nicotine is a drug, too." The bear is getting more and more irate. The bear then says, "fine, can I at least have a goddamn cup of coffee here?" The bartender says, "no, caffeine is a drug and we're out of decaf."

At this point the bear is furious and he decides to take revenge by eating the snarky girl who had been picking up glasses off the table and preparing some of the drinks. At last the bartender says, "Okay, now you're going to have to leave. I can tolerate bears eating my employees, but you've had a drug in my establishment and I don't want to lose my license." To which the bear replied, "A drug? I just ate that bitch who works here!"

And then the bartender says, "Exactly. That was a bar bitch you ate."

[Jeanette X]

Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A. "You can keep the tip."

:lol2

[Dimnos]

Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A. "You can keep the tip."

ROFL! Good one

[BigMac500]

Q. What do you call a man who sits on his lawn all day?

A. Patty O'Furniture!!!


Oh ho ho! Eh? Eh? No?
Okay... =(

[Jeanette X]

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" >:

[LordSappington]

So a neutron walks into a bar, and orders a beer. A little while later, he finshes it and asks the bartender, 'What do I owe you?' The bartender looks it over and says, 'For you, no charge.'
This has been: MasterGeek Theatre.

[Jeanette X]

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Just two, but good luck getting them in there.

[bigtimecow]

two guys are walking down the street and see these two dogs having sex.

one guy says to the other, "man, i wish i could get my wife like that."

the other guy says, "it's easily. listen, you give her two shots of tequila and you'll be all set."

the next day the two guys meet up, and one says to the other, "so, did it work?"

the other guy says, "yes, but it was three shots of tequila."

"three? why three?"

"two to get her in the mood and one to get her on the front lawn"

[Dimnos]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[darkvare]

i know one but i appologise for my spelling

okay here goes:
ther are 3 guys on a plane having difficulties on mid-air an american a japanesse and a mexican

pilot: "we are having several problems and one of you is gonna have to jump."
wothout hesitation the american stands up and screams "for the united states" and jumps out of the plane. a couple of minutes pass and the pilot repeats the message.
this time the mexican stands up and screams "for mexico", quickly grabs the japanesse and throws him out of the window. the end

[Aries]

The doctor said he needed samples of my urine, blood, stool and semen. So I handed him my underwear.

[Not You]

Q. What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

A. Nothing shes already been spoken to twice.

[Dimnos]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

[Dimnos]

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

[Dimnos]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

[sloth]

WOMEN HUH DIMNOS :rolleyes

[executioneer]

yeah, but does anyone know a GOOD joke

[Fathom Zero]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=A4n8gO7NGDo

[eggyolk]

my friend's dad told me this one:

A lizard is walking through the jungle when he looks up in a tree and sees a monkey in a cloud of smoke.

"What are you doing up there?" he says.
"I'm smoking a joint!" The monkey replies.
"No way! We cant get weed out here man!" The lizard says.
"Wanna bet?" says the monkey "Come up here and take a hit!"

So the lizard climbs up the tree and sits down next to the monkey and they smoke and smoke and finally the lizard stops and says "Man I'm STONED. :hypno I gotta get a drink of water!"
The monkey tells him "There is a river down the way a little bit, you can get a drink there."

The lizard climbs down the tree and walks to the river, and he leans in to get a drink, but his balance isn't very good so he stumbles into the water and starts floating off down the river. An alligator sees him and grabs him and sets him back on the shore.

"What's wrong with you?" says the alligator "Why did you fall in like that?"
"I'm baked." says the lizard "I smoked a joint with monkey over there in that tree."
"No way!" Says the alligator, "We can't get weed out here."
"Don't believe me?" Says the lizard, "Go look."
So the alligator walks over to the tree and looks up at the monkey and the monkey calls down to him "Wow, man! How much water did you drink?!"

http://www.marijuana.com/images/smilies/smoke18.gif

[DALI-II]

Not from me, but from the MARX BROTHERS:

"One day I bagged 6 tigers..."
"-Oh captain, you CAUGHT 6 tigers?!"
"No, I bagged them. They were already to go but hung around all afternoon. Laziest bunch I ever saw..."

[Big Papa Goat]

does anyone know the one about the guy with the fish and chips at the monastery and the fish friar?

[Tadao]

A catholic priest and a rabi run a camp for young boys and they both see a kid out in the woods alone.

The priest says to the rabi, "Hey, you want to fuck that kid?" and the rabi says, "Sure! But what should we fuck him out of?"

[Evil Robot]

OK so this guy walks into in and is like "what the fuck is your problem bitch gimmie a fucking break I just got off work and I don't feel like listening to your shit right now." His wife says to him "Oh yeah work, that minum wage bullshit where you sit on your ass all day? fuck you.". Then she started hitting him and he punched her back.

Get it? punch line?

[executioneer]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=A4n8gO7NGDo
you and your unlabeled youtube links :rolleyes

[HungryWantBiddy]

What can a chicken do that a man can't do?

Eat with his pecker!

[Dimnos]

A catholic priest and a rabi run a camp for young boys and they both see a kid out in the woods alone.

The priest says to the rabi, "Hey, you want to fuck that kid?" and the rabi says, "Sure! But what should we fuck him out of?"

rofl

[Jules Samza]

What's blue, 12 inches long and makes women scream?

Cot death.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

So a black Canadian hockey player meets the ignorant white guy from South Carolina. The white guy says "Hey Boy. Where're you from?". "Ontario, Canada." said the black man.

White guy "Huh, didn't know they had black Canadians."

Black guy "Sir, I find that extremely offensive!"

White guy "Oh, sorry. African-American Canadian then."

(I got bored on the drive back to Pittsburgh)

[Dimnos]

Afro-Americanadian

[Dimnos]

A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.

The head archeologist points to the first drawing. "This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem." he says. "The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews."

The second archeologist shakes his head. "Hebrew is read from right to left," he explains. "It says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'"

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

:lol

[bigtimecow]

Q: how many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: some obscure number you've probably never heard of

[Dimnos]

An Englishman, a French guy and an American are exploring Africa, when they're attacked by cannibals. The cannibal chief says, 'Well, we're gonna eat your flesh and use your skin for canoes. Tough luck, eh? But you can choose the way you are going to die.'

The Englishman goes, 'May I have a revolver?'

When he gets it, he blows his brains out, saying, 'God save the queen!'

The French guy says, 'I vill take ze poizon.'

He gulps it down and says, 'Vive le France!' and dies.

The American says, 'Gimme a fork!'

The chief hands him one, and the guy pokes himself all over his skin with it, and shouts, 'That's what I think of your fucking canoe!'

[Fathom Zero]

KNOCK KNOCK

[Dimnos]

Who is there?

[Dimnos]

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

[Fathom Zero]

Who is there?

SCRITTI POLITTI