Deadly (Literally) serious. Long, but please help.

[James]

This isn't a relationship problem in the boyfriend/girlfriend sense. But a friendship is a relationship, and this forum has fewer retards. I'm telling you right now I have NO time for any idiots finding their way in here. And that is NOT an invitation for you to try your luck with me and attempt to piss me off. I'm already pissed off at you (whoever you are who is thinking of being a piece of shit), so save your time and just go irritate me in another thread.

Secondly, yes, this is an internet friendship. Again, no time for any of your shit, plain and simple. Heaven fucking forbid I value time and conversation, be it physical, over the phone, or text on a screen. So just save it, or use it in another thread.

I have a friend, who I've met not too long ago. She's an incredibly nice and sweet person. She's from L.A., but she's in the Philippines right now. Her father's a pretty powerful figure there, and they had to go spend a few months there for business-related issues.

She's with a boyfriend who, to put it bluntly, does not love her. He lives in Norway. She loves him, and is horribly devoted to him and trying sickeningly hard to get his love again. When I first started talking to her, she had recently been "taken back" by him, on the condition that she wasn't allowed to get mad. Then more recently, he showed up for two weeks, had sex with her, sumped her, asked if he could fuck another girl, then "took her back" again. He tears her apart and then collects what's left of her to mold into whatever he sees fit. I want to kill him.

She's very depressed. Very very depressed, more than me. She talks about how she wants to die, and how much her boyfriend affects her life, and how worthless she feels, and so on. She started seeing a psychologist, who just seems to recommend religion-heavy self-help books for her to buy, rather than actually help her. Needless to say, I worry myself sick that something's going to happen to her. I had her promise me she wasn't going to hurt herself.

She keeps everything bottles up. If something's wrong, she tries to ignore it, and put on a happy face for everything. I try to get her to talk to me, and she wants to change the subject. I reluctantly agree. It kills me to see her bottle everything up, because I can see how much she's hurting when I read her website.

Today, I read an obscure comment about her possibly leaving everything forever is she's "successful." I pestered her about it, but she had to go to class. I continued to worry, up until I fell asleep for about 2 hours and woke up in a cold sweat. I see she's online, and I pry. I beg her to talk to me. I tell her I'm her friend, and I care about her too much to keep changing the subject, no matter how much she doesn't want to talk. I tell her that I want to help her, I want to know what's wrong, and I want her to get her feelings out there instead of waiting for all the bottled up shit to explode.

And that's when she tells me she tried to kill herself two days ago. Part of the reason being that she feels that if she kills herself, her boyfriend may love her again. But that's not the only reason. There's so much more going on with her, so it's NOT just boyfriend stuff. But it seems to be a big part.

She's halfway across the world, and all I have for communication with her is AIM. She tried calling me, but my number is considered out of service by her phone. I can't call her, because the charges would be too high. She won't be back in the US until January/February, and that's if she manages to stay alive until then. I'm helpless here. I'd do anything to help her, and to prevent her from doing this again. But I don't know what to do.

No bullshit. No humor. Just help. Please, just help.

[Skulhedface]

Alright, I can help you out with this one, but be openminded about it. There's gonna be some shit in here you won't want to hear or whatever, but bear with me.




I have a friend, who I've met not too long ago. She's an incredibly nice and sweet person. She's from L.A., but she's in the Philippines right now. Her father's a pretty powerful figure there, and they had to go spend a few months there for business-related issues.

She's with a boyfriend who, to put it bluntly, does not love her.
He lives in Norway. She loves him, and is horribly devoted to him and trying sickeningly hard to get his love again.

Well, first of all, it doesn't even seem like she really does love him, just the idea of being in love, and he's the closest, or most available target in her eyes.

When I first started talking to her, she had recently been "taken back" by him, on the condition that she wasn't allowed to get mad.

That should've set off red flags right there. Did you tell her to call bullshit on this one?

Then more recently, he showed up for two weeks, had sex with her, sumped her, asked if he could fuck another girl, then "took her back" again. He tears her apart and then collects what's left of her to mold into whatever he sees fit. I want to kill him.

She's very depressed. Very very depressed, more than me. She talks about how she wants to die, and how much her boyfriend affects her life, and how worthless she feels, and so on.

How often do you talk? How deeply do you talk? Even if just on a friendly level, are you being vocal enough about your feelings to her? I don't want to say "be pushy", but it appears to me that she's starved for affection, romance, to be needed, etc. It sounds like you're attempting to provide it in some capacity, but you don't tell me enough (or I haven't read your post far down enough yet). Are you being specific when you talk about how you feel to her? What exactly are you telling her or trying to tell her?

She started seeing a psychologist, who just seems to recommend religion-heavy self-help books for her to buy, rather than actually help her. Needless to say, I worry myself sick that something's going to happen to her. I had her promise me she wasn't going to hurt herself.

She keeps everything bottles up. If something's wrong, she tries to ignore it, and put on a happy face for everything. I try to get her to talk to me, and she wants to change the subject.

So take charge. Change it back. Running away from the problem ain't gonna make it easier for her to deal with it. I'm not saying FORCE her to confront it, but let her KNOW something's wrong and before she can change the subject, let it be more than known that you are willing to listen and will do anything you can to offer her some help.

I can't say exactly without basically reading your conversations with her, but are you as bold with her as you read here? Do you talk to her as matter of factly? Most importantly, are you LETTING HER KNOW that she has YOU available to fall back on? From what I gather, you do spend a lot of time online, you can use that to your advantage. If she has some big problem, you can be around to talk to her and help guide her through it, if you can get her to stay on subject. You have to take charge here. I'm not saying you aren't, but you don't give me enough information to assume otherwise.

I reluctantly agree. It kills me to see her bottle everything up, because I can see how much she's hurting when I read her website.

Today, I read an obscure comment about her possibly leaving everything forever is she's "successful." I pestered her about it, but she had to go to class. I continued to worry, up until I fell asleep for about 2 hours and woke up in a cold sweat. I see she's online, and I pry. I beg her to talk to me. I tell her I'm her friend, and I care about her too much to keep changing the subject, no matter how much she doesn't want to talk. I tell her that I want to help her, I want to know what's wrong, and I want her to get her feelings out there instead of waiting for all the bottled up shit to explode.

And that's when she tells me she tried to kill herself two days ago. Part of the reason being that she feels that if she kills herself, her boyfriend may love her again.

Part of me wants to scream right here. There's so much that could be in the background right there that it's frustrating.

Maybe she DOES like you, but feels that she needs to get YOUR attention in an extreme way.

Maybe you are right, and she feels that dying will cause her boyfriend to love her again. In this case, it is your DUTY to speak up about it and say "Bullshit. Look how he treats you now? What makes you think he won't be just as big a dick in death as in life?"
You need to make it clear that YOU would miss her a lot, if you are close as friends as you say, that her absence would depress YOU, that YOU love having her around, that she's important to YOU.

But that's not the only reason. There's so much more going on with her, so it's NOT just boyfriend stuff. But it seems to be a big part.

She's halfway across the world, and all I have for communication with her is AIM. She tried calling me, but my number is considered out of service by her phone. I can't call her, because the charges would be too high. She won't be back in the US until January/February, and that's if she manages to stay alive until then. I'm helpless here. I'd do anything to help her, and to prevent her from doing this again. But I don't know what to do.

No bullshit. No humor. Just help. Please, just help.

Take charge, dude. I hate to say it, but lay it on THICK. Don't FORCE her, but try your hardest to stay on subject. Guide her through it, reinforcing it every step of the way with your feelings for her.

Look, dude, she reads like she needs to be loved. She's only fooled into thinking she loves this guy in Norway, she wants love and since he's given it to her before, even briefly, she feels it's his to have.

YOU need to step in and say "Bullshit. You can love me. I care for you. I listen to you. I worry about you. I don't want you to do anything to hurt yourself, because I will miss you. It's selfish to say "Stay here for me", but isn't it also selfish to kill yourself just so one guy will care, even for a few moments?"

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but from the whole post you made, it reads like you're helping her out but not telling her how you feel about her, whether you like her or love her or whatever, and that's what you NEED to do because that's what's most important.

If I'm right about that, she sees you as just some other guy trying to give her advice.

Whereas, if you do make your feelings PLAINLY known (beating around the bush won't work in this case) and pepper your entire conversation about this subject with her, it won't catch on immediately but she WILL notice. After awhile, she might start feeling like she is important to YOU, and that might be what matters most to her.

I'm sorry if none of this helps, but I did try. Good luck.

[wreckreation]

I say take a break from talking to her. This honestly sounds completely like a co-dependent want for attention and love and buying in will only show how easily you are manipulated. If she has any sense at all she won't kill herself, or she will, but she will have a good reason. It's not fair for you to intervene in her life and it's not fair to you for you to be worrying over someone elses business. Leave her alone and she will be forced to grow up and take care of herself, help her out and it'll just go a step further till she gets sick of you.

[James]

Well, first of all, it doesn't even seem like she really does love him, just the idea of being in love, and he's the closest, or most available target in her eyes.

There's another guy she has a crush on, who lives in San Diego. She could probably date him if she wanted. That's a lot closer and more available.

That should've set off red flags right there. Did you tell her to call bullshit on this one?

I'm not sure you're up to speed on the online adventures of James, but the last girl I spoke about in disagreement on a similar matter hasn't spoken to me since. Considering this particular incident happened a day or so before we started talking, I figured it wasn't my place to judge or speak like I was a good friend and knew anything about her.

The second break up and getting back together, I told her not to talk to me for a little bit. I was too mad and upset to keep talking when I found out, and I didn't want to say something stupid because my thoughts were jumbled. I can back a couple hours later, and told her exactly how I felt. I said something along the lines of how he's not even dating her, but dating a version of her that he's created through manipulation, making her a third wheel in her own relationship. She was thankful that I could be honest with her. I can't make her change her mind. She has to realize things for herself and change them.

How often do you talk? How deeply do you talk? Even if just on a friendly level, are you being vocal enough about your feelings to her? I don't want to say "be pushy", but it appears to me that she's starved for affection, romance, to be needed, etc. It sounds like you're attempting to provide it in some capacity, but you don't tell me enough (or I haven't read your post far down enough yet). Are you being specific when you talk about how you feel to her? What exactly are you telling her or trying to tell her?[/qupte]

I try to make it a point to talk to her frequently every day. Since she's 12 hours ahead in time zones, I basically try my best to stay up all night so I can be there for her. I do try to talk deeply, and I am very vocal about my feelings. I tell her that I won't pry, but she knows I care about her, I worry about her, and I'm there when she needs me. I mention this often.

She loves affection, and I love affection. So I do the typical internet action text. *holds you tight* *gives you a little kiss on the forehead* and the like to make up for the lack of physical affection I can give her. I constantly try to remind her of what a wonderful person she is, and how beautiful she is inside and out.

[quote]So take charge. Change it back. Running away from the problem ain't gonna make it easier for her to deal with it. I'm not saying FORCE her to confront it, but let her KNOW something's wrong and before she can change the subject, let it be more than known that you are willing to listen and will do anything you can to offer her some help.

I make it known. I try not to pry, but that was before I began to understand the severity of all this. The moment she said she wanted to die, I became more insistent to talk, but she still didn't want to talk about it.

I can't say exactly without basically reading your conversations with her, but are you as bold with her as you read here? Do you talk to her as matter of factly? Most importantly, are you LETTING HER KNOW that she has YOU available to fall back on? From what I gather, you do spend a lot of time online, you can use that to your advantage. If she has some big problem, you can be around to talk to her and help guide her through it, if you can get her to stay on subject. You have to take charge here. I'm not saying you aren't, but you don't give me enough information to assume otherwise.

I make it very known. She knows that I try to be up at the same times she is, so she has someone to talk to. I tell her she can open up to me, and I want her to. I tell her that she's one of the greatest people I've ever known, and the world needs more people like her, and we can't afford to lose her. I make myself available, and I try not to be too forceful as to make her shut down and get mad at me.

Maybe she DOES like you, but feels that she needs to get YOUR attention in an extreme way.

I may be reading this wrong, but I just want to clear this up. I'm not looking for a relationship from her. I like her and think she's gorgeous and all, but NONE of this has to do with anything more than friendship and concern.

Maybe you are right, and she feels that dying will cause her boyfriend to love her again. In this case, it is your DUTY to speak up about it and say "Bullshit. Look how he treats you now? What makes you think he won't be just as big a dick in death as in life?"
You need to make it clear that YOU would miss her a lot, if you are close as friends as you say, that her absence would depress YOU, that YOU love having her around, that she's important to YOU.

She said she hopes her boyfriend will love her again. I said "Fuck the boyfriend. I love you." I said that she focuses so much on wanting someone who's not worth her time to show some sign of caring about her, that she doesn't realize how many other people are out there that already do love her and care about her, and want her to be happy and help however they can.

We are close. We've been talking for 2 months exactly, but we've just kind of "clicked" in that we feel comfortable with one another. She's also a camgirl (save it), so she gets a lot of net folk who only care about her looks and wanting to see her naked (which she doesn't do). So I think that since I'm more interested in knowing about her and talking to her than any of that shit, it helped us get close.

So in other words, she knows how much I care about her. I told her that I'm her friend, and I care about her and worry about her, and that's why I can't just leave things alone when I see her trying to carry all this pain by herself.

Take charge, dude. I hate to say it, but lay it on THICK. Don't FORCE her, but try your hardest to stay on subject. Guide her through it, reinforcing it every step of the way with your feelings for her.

Look, dude, she reads like she needs to be loved. She's only fooled into thinking she loves this guy in Norway, she wants love and since he's given it to her before, even briefly, she feels it's his to have.

YOU need to step in and say "Bullshit. You can love me. I care for you. I listen to you. I worry about you. I don't want you to do anything to hurt yourself, because I will miss you. It's selfish to say "Stay here for me", but isn't it also selfish to kill yourself just so one guy will care, even for a few moments?"

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but from the whole post you made, it reads like you're helping her out but not telling her how you feel about her, whether you like her or love her or whatever, and that's what you NEED to do because that's what's most important.

If I'm right about that, she sees you as just some other guy trying to give her advice.

Whereas, if you do make your feelings PLAINLY known (beating around the bush won't work in this case) and pepper your entire conversation about this subject with her, it won't catch on immediately but she WILL notice. After awhile, she might start feeling like she is important to YOU, and that might be what matters most to her.

It may not have come off in my initial post, but I do hope I've made it clear now that I do all that and more.

[James]

I say take a break from talking to her. This honestly sounds completely like a co-dependent want for attention and love and buying in will only show how easily you are manipulated. If she has any sense at all she won't kill herself, or she will, but she will have a good reason. It's not fair for you to intervene in her life and it's not fair to you for you to be worrying over someone elses business. Leave her alone and she will be forced to grow up and take care of herself, help her out and it'll just go a step further till she gets sick of you.

I know what you're saying, but I have to ignore it. I'd rather be manipulated (which really isn't the case. I'd know if it was, but wouldn't care) and have this be co-dependant, than to leave her to die. I can't just take a break from her. Every time she signs off, I'm terrified that she won't be signing back on. I can't just wash my hands of her or let up on being around for her, when there's such a threat of her killing herself. If I could be there in person, I'd watch her like a hawk, no matter how much she got sick of me. But I can't, and she tried to kill herself, and I couldn't stop or help her. I have to try harder to be around for her as best I can, even though the circumstances make it incredibly difficult to do anything.

I'd sooner die than leave her be to be ripped apart by her problems, and possibly try to kill herself again.

[wreckreation]

"I, I, I, I, I"
you dickhead. you're being so emotionally selfish. I am not saying she is lying. I am just saying you should let things be.
It's really sexist to think that you can really convince her of anything.

[James]

That's a little unfair and rather foolish to say I'm being selfish and sexist for wanting someone to not die and live a happy life, especially when there's little evidence behind it, other than my use of "I" and her being female. So cut the shit. I never said I could "convince" her, but it's only right to be there and help any way I can.

[wreckreation]

Bullshit. If you respected her feelings you'd let her work things out herself. If she were a he you wouldn't even be in this situation.
lol this is funny because you totally won't take heed, but i PROMISE if you leave it alone it'll work itself out. I have experience on this issue on both sides of the equation. I know psychology better than you do. I PROMISE i am right.
Now you go along thinking whatever you want and i wonder why you asked in the first place.

[James]

When I let her work things out for herself, she downed a bunch of pills. She needs someone to be there for her.

And again, it's unfair and foolish to assume that just because she's a female is the only reason I'd be concerned. So again, cut the shit. I'm interested in some actual help, and not someone trying to make this into some sort of personal gain for myself just because it's a girl.

[wreckreation]

help her help herself. if she really wanted to kill herself she'd be dead. don't be so fucking naieve.
and the side note: we both know you wouldn't be doing this for a guy.

[James]

She took a bunch of pills, got scared, and ended up falling asleep. She woke up, and was upset that she didn't die. I told her that if she was scared, she doesn't really want to die then. But it's not like I can just make her realize she shouldn't have a death wish, and it's not like she won't try it again and succeed (either on purpose, or by accidentally going too far).

And for the last fucking time, stop acting like you know everything about me. Like I've never had male friends who tried to kill themselves? You wouldn't know. So just leave me alone if you're going to attack me based on assumptions come to from my posts, which you should know only tell so much about a person, if anything. She's a girl, and she's in bad shape. Stop acting like I only give a shit because she's female.

I have no reason to further defend myself against you, so I'll be ignoring anything else you have to say unless it's actually productive.

[wreckreation]

"I have no reason to further defend myself against you, so I'll be ignoring anything else you have to say unless it's actually productive."

like thats any different than you've been doing all night. :rolleyes
well at least how you think of as productive.
you're sexist and you're in love with your sadness.
if your majesty would be so kind as to get off his high horse, you can re-read my advice.

[Dole]

He is always asking for advice on here, and never takes it.

[James]

Wreck's first response was advice, and I thank him for giving it. I responded with my opinion of his advice, saying that I don't feel that it's safe to leave her to deal with these problems on her own, because that's what she was doing in the first place. His advice was exactly what I was doing in the first place. I left her alone, told her whatever was wrong, she was strong enough to overcome it, and she attempted suicide. I want her to be able to deal with these problems, to not want to kill herself, and just be happier. No problem there.

The problem was when he started derailing this topic by attacking my motives and my character, which was simply uncalled for.

Wreck, if it makes you feel better, I'll just say that I'm sexist. I'm the King, whatever I say goes, and I only care about girls who are suicidal, and all men can go kill themselves.

The point is, even if that were all true, it doesn't change the fact that I have a friend who I'm worried will attempt suicide again, who may succeed, and who generally is just in bad shape. I want to help her, but the situation isn't that easy. So I came asking for advice, because I don't have anywhere else to turn.

I thank you for the, though I do not feel that the option is one I'd feel safe in taking. No big deal if I disagree. But to redirect things by making your assumptions and attacking me is stupid. Because as I said, even if all your opinions on me were true, it doesn't change the problem one bit.

Settled? Now, I'd appreciate if we could get back on track here. You may not care what happens to her, but I do.

[Professor Cool]

About like 2 years ago, my friend Randy said that he met the most amazing woman on the internet. He would always talk about how smart and funny she was, but she was depressed. From then on Randy would be by his computer talking to her on and on. He would cheer her up telling her how much he loved her. He even wrote poem for her. Then one they they got mad at each other for some reason, and she put all the poems and all the stupid things he said on her AOL website and his picture as the "Internet Loser of the Week". Randy hasn't talked to pretty much anyone on AIM since.

Now, in no way am I saying that this girl is like the one above. But here's the fact, there's no way you can tell unless you meet her face to face. If she's just stops signing on it doesn't mean she killed herself or not. Maybe she changed her name and hasn't felt like telling you. You don't know, that's why I never did the "Internet Relations" thing. She might just want some to say nice things about her, and she uses the suicide ploy to get the affection.

It's easy to lie on the internet, and it's easy to make people believe you. I mean my other dumb friend Mark, I mean he tricked at least 3 people into thinking that I died, and if god by some tragic case, she actually does kill herself, it couldn't be your fault, you did all you could it seems, and least as much you can do through AIM. Just see what happens, but don't let your emotions get out of hand, use paitience. Just keep in mind, it is the internet.

Once again, I could be completely wrong about her, just putting in my two cents in.

[glowbelly]

When I let her work things out for herself, she downed a bunch of pills. She needs someone to be there for her.

1. you don't LET her do anything
2. she needs to be there for herself

wreck is right. let her be. anyone who is shallow enough to attempt to kill themselves in order to make a guy like them again isn't worth your time anyways and has major self-esteem issues.

seriously. :|
[/i]

[soundtest]

wreck is right.

you need to stop taking the bait from these online girls that use you for attention and to increase their self-esteem.

[Protoclown]

James, the ONLY advice I would give her at this point is to tell her to get another better shrink, and then YOU need let things go. She's obviously deeply disturbed if she thinks that killing herself is going to get her some posthumous affection from a guy who has obviously never given a shit about her in the first place.

As codependent as her behavior is, you're just as bad if not worse. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS GIRL. Sitting up at nights and worrying about someone you've NEVER EVEN MET?? Good lord man, that's fucking crazy! Listen to how it sounds! You've NEVER MET HER AND YOU PROBABLY NEVER WILL. I'm not saying that your goal is to meet her or that you have ulterior motives or anything of the sort...but if you haven't met her, WHY WORRY ABOUT HER? She's not even "real", she's just a bunch of pixels on a screen. That's as "real" as it's ever going to get for you. I respect that you care about her but there's no reason for YOUR life to get put on hold for someone who for all you know could be a fat 40 year old male virgin living in his parents' basement (camgirl pictures or not). You've done what you can do, the fact is, you CAN'T really be there for her online. You're not responsible if she does anything stupid at this point. You were never responsible for her or her actions. Don't you understand?

Just let it go. She'll either work it out on her own (or with the help of people who are physically available) or she'll kill herself, in which case she's just simply not a survivor. If she was going to kill herself over something this stupid, then she probably would have done it one day down the road anyway, eh?

[James]

Just to clear some things up.

Saying I "let her" was just bad wording. No reason to get on my case for it.

The suicide attempt was not specifically over her boyfriend. It was just one of many reasons. She had a friend die recently, she's in a country halfway across the world and lonely, she feels that her being born was a mistake, and much more. I only brought up the boyfriend thing because that's something she had said that night. I'm not saying the boyfriend reason, or any of the other reasons, are valid for suicide, but I'm just trying to clear up that it wasn't over her boyfriend.

I know that you guys feel that I shouldn't give a damn about her, being that she's only an internet person. But my views on internet friendships aren't as impersonal. Just because to each other, we're words on a screen, doesn't mean she's not a human being with obvious problems. Nor does it mean I'm not either. I can't not care about someone I consider a friend, just like I care what happens to a number of you.

My staying up all night is a combination of insomnia and convenience that she's on at those times as well. It was kind of misleading to say that I stay up all night because I worry about her. I stay up all night, AND worry about her. I'm not really putting my life on hold for her, but rather just making sure I have time in my life for her, which isn't too hard being that I do jack shit.

I also understand when you people are suggesting I leave her be to deal with these issues. But the thing is, I knew something was bothering her, and I respected her wishes to just ignore it. Then I find this out. It's not something that I can do, letting it go again. I worry that things will just repeat themselves if she doesn't have someone she can open up to and get things out. So my goal is to try and have her be more open with her feelings. Let people know that there's something wrong, and let people help her.

Is it an attempt for attention? I doubt it, but I know there's always a chance. But I think it's quite a gamble to get attention by not bringing any of this up unless someone cares enough to find out for themselves. I'd think if she was looking for attention, she'd be a lot more vocal about these things, rather than baiting myself and maybe a couple others via obscurity. And I don't want to chance it anyway.

I'm not bending over backwards here, and I'm not being manipulated. We were talking anyway. But now the conversation will try to be more involved with how she's feeling, and just trying to get her to open up to me more. I know there's not much I can do, and it's not my responsibility to babysit her while I worry she'll kill herself, and I'll try not to do that. But I do think that if I consider her a friend, I should at least try to be there for her in some manner. I know what it's like to just need someone to reach out for you sometimes, rather than being left alone to deal with problems you don't know how to deal with.

I know I'm not taking your advice, but I really do appreciate the input. I guess what I was looking for, was ways to get her to open up more to me, because I think it would help a lot if she had someone who she could be "real" with, instead of lying and saying everything's fine. But I may end up taking it in the end, depending on how things go. If my life ends up revolving around her, then that's obviously a problem. But at this time, I just have a net friend who I talk to, who has problems I want to try and help with. And I really don't think it's at a point where I should just let it be, unless it becomes a problem in itself.

[Protoclown]

Dude, you've already reached out to her. Your hand is out there waiting. She knows that. If she wants to talk, SHE'LL COME TO YOU. Beyond that there's nothing more that you can do. Your door is open, and you can't force her inside.

On another note, I think you need to get some hobbies. Seriously. You need to stop dwelling on things you have no control over.

[James]

Agreed and agreed. Hobbies are expensive, and often require going outside. So you can see why that's a problem.

I'm not looking to force her. And I'm not going to barrel down on her like a cop trying to get a confession. But I am going to try and not let the conversation stray too much. I just figure it might help for her to vent, as it does for me. And if I can't get her to talk, then I guess it's just a matter of going back to talking about nothing, and waiting for her to either get better or die. :/

[Geggy]

I'm not trying to put you down or anything but it seems that you have some serious issues that needs to be looked at and resolved before they get worse. i would say cut yourself off from the internet completely and start a different kind of life. if that doesn't work you could alway go back to being a hermit and live your life inside the box if that what makes you happy.

[Royal Tenenbaum]

"i would say cut yourself off from the internet completely and start a different kind of life."


that would be like living life without breathing. i don't think it's possible.

[jin]

Please listen to wreck, james.

[James]

So the consensus is just for me to ignore things again, and to just talk to her like there's nothing wrong in her life, and let her go on bottling everything up until she hurts herself again.

My question is, WHY do you think this is a good idea? I'm not going to just beat her over the head for answers every moment we talk. We brought the suicide thing up, talked about it for a bit, and then she had to go. When she came back, we didn't bring it up. And I figure that every now and then, I gotta try and get her to talk about her problems, but not make it a constant focus. Just enough that she can start getting things out, instead of letting them overwhelm her.

But to just never bring it up again, wash my hands of concern, and just act like there's nothing to care about just sounds like you want me to want her to die. So tell me why you think it's a good idea to just ignore the problems just like she's doing?

"I want to die."
"That's great. Hey, do you like The Lion King?"

Just enlighten me further on how this will help her get better, please. You saying that doing this is the best option, but how will this help her to feel better about herself and her life, so that she doesn't want to die?

[AChimp]

Most of the time when a girl says she wants to kill herself, she is just looking for attention. I know it's hard to think of it like that, from a guy's perspective, but it's true (when guy's are seriously threatening suicide, they almost alway mean it). However, I've had the misfortune of learning the differences between the male and female psyches the hard way over the last few months.

I think this girl has realized she's in a pretty gay situation, and it's affecting her now. Girlfriend to a guy on the other side of the world? WTF? Everyone knows that long distance relationships usually don't work, so global-scale relationships are hopeless.

Anyways, I had more to say, but I've just forgotten it. I have my own issues to concern myself with, but the best advice that I can give is treat this with a grain of salt. I mean, yeah, she's probably in a messed up situation, but IT'S OVER THE INTERNET.

There's no way to prove that she isn't some fat guy with a really hairy back who's living in Alabama.

[James]

If she is a fat guy in Alabama, that would completely devastate Wreck and his view of me. We can't have that. :(

And unless the fat guy has a girl who does his bidding for him, then it's safe to say she's very much a female. And it STILL doesn't matter either way, aside from the psyche, as you put it.

As I said before, it seems like a failure if it's an attempt to get attention. She keeps it all bottled up, unless you manage to squeeze a VERY tiny bit of information out of her. She pretends nothing's wrong, and only a few people out of a greater number will notice otherwise, while a fewer number from that might actually care. If she wanted attention, she'd get it other ways, or she'd make these thoughts much more public to get more people to take notice. So I really do doubt it's a play for attention. If she wants attention for me specifically, she knows she can get it without making up something like this.

I'm not saying there obviously isn't a chance it's not true. But it seems overly complex and flawed to be a lie.

[AChimp]

There's no way to squeeze blood out of a stone, and there's nothing you can do to squeeze information out of a woman who doesn't want to give it.

I found that out the hard way, too. :(

[James]

Well, there's a difference between wanting to share, and being reluctant to share.

I don't know. I'll take all this advice into consideration, and I'll just try to see how things go between me and her, and see how she's feeling. But I don't really know about the whole "ignoring the problem and she'll handle it herself" deal. I'm just going to be her friend, whatever that may mean. And whatever happens from that, as long as it doesn't involve harm to herself, I'll be fine with that.

[Brandon]

Let me ask you this, James: Would you feel responsible if she actually did kill herself? If so, why?

At any rate, I wouldn't worry too much. Just by reading your description of the situation, I can say with near certainty that she won't kill herself. People who are absolutely serious about doing themselves in will make sure nothing thwarts their efforts (meaning they won't let anyone know ahead of time) and employ methods that are fail-proof (i.e. guns, jumping, hanging, etc.).

As a few people noted already, suicide attempts that involve pill-popping, superficial cuts, etc. are usually considered to be "gestures" or "cries for help." She feels crappy, and she wants people to know it and "save" her from her depression. She doesn't really want to die. This isn't to say that all suicide attempts shouldn't be taken seriously, but the mere fact that she tells you about it is enough to prove that she isn't even half-committed to it.

I wouldn't say abandon her outright, but back off a little and try to detach yourself emotionally from the situation. You can't fix her problems, only she can, and she could most definitely benefit from some professional help in doing so.

[James]

Let me ask you this, James: Would you feel responsible if she actually did kill herself? If so, why?

I wouldn't feel responsible, as I am not the cause for her to feel this way. But I would feel guilty in that there wasn't anything I could do to stop her.

She feels crappy, and she wants people to know it and "save" her from her depression. She doesn't really want to die. This isn't to say that all suicide attempts shouldn't be taken seriously, but the mere fact that she tells you about it is enough to prove that she isn't even half-committed to it.

The thing is, I may very well be the only person who knows she did this, and I had to "force" it out of her. If I hadn't pried enough, she never would have said a thing. It seems that when you people are discussing this matter, you're acting as if she's running around with a big sign that says, "I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF. HELP ME." I may just be taking it the wrong way, though.

And still, let's say there really isn't much a threat to be worried about. Let's say she does want someone to "save" her. Is it a bad thing then to be there for her? To get her to share what's on her mind? I'm not saying I'm the be-all-end-all solution to people's lives, but does it hurt so much to try and get her to face her problems, if only just by talking about them?

I know I can't "fix" or "save" her. I'm not trying to make it sound like I have the ability to turn her life around. What I'm saying is, I feel that if she had someone just to vent about what's wrong, it would help. From my own personal experience, I feel very alone and very much in pain when I have no one to talk to about what's wrong. But I start to feel better, and start putting things in perspective when I'm talking about them to someone. I figure it might be helpful for her too. I figure that, given the situation, and given that I consider her a good friend, it's basically all/what I can and should do to at least get her to vent, in hopes that it will benefit her.

[noob3]

tell her why you wanna kill yoself, hoe? i be yo cryin' shoulder, bitchhoe

[James]

Talking to her right now.

I asked her a couple of things, like why she feels the need to keep things bottled up. She said that she doesn't want to think about them, that she doesn't feel comfortable trying to explain, and that it doesn't help her feel better.

But then we did talk about a couple things on her mind. She opened up, and we talked. I didn't pry. And after that, I started talking about the suicide stuff. I told her that she is a wonderful and special person, and nothing should ever make her feel like life isn't worth living. I told her that she is strong enough to handle anything that comes her way.

I asked her if she felt better, getting some stuff out like that. She said she did. I told her I'm going to try and not pry as much, but she needs to remember that even if she doesn't feel a lot better, it's better than she felt before we talked. And she can come to me with anything.

I'm still going to worry, but I think things will be OK.

[AChimp]

:bestthread

[Jixby Phillips]

Tgis reminds me of my problem, i have a girl friend who usesd a mac :/ ps chekc out my thread about it

[Dole]

:lol @ jixby

James: jesus man, get out in the feckin world and off the goddamn internerd!! Stop worrying about people who could in reality be a sophisticated sofware program (Attentionseeker for Windows).

[wreckreation]

DOES SHE HAV E A GUN :) :) :)

[wreckreation]

NIGGGGER NIGHTMARE

[Command Prompt]

The problem with being friends with girls is its hard to tell whether it is a true friendship or if she is just using you for her emotional barf bag while she is continuing seeing her boyfriend.

My hard learned advice is, if shes not fucking you, and talking about fucking someone else and asking the same questions over and over again to get reassurance than you my friend, are in the emotional punching bag zone. Be polite, get the hell out, and let her waste someone else's time. >:

[Brandon]

The problem with being friends with girls is its hard to tell whether it is a true friendship or if she is just using you for her emotional barf bag while she is continuing seeing her boyfriend.

My hard learned advice is, if shes not fucking you, and talking about fucking someone else and asking the same questions over and over again to get reassurance than you my friend, are in the emotional punching bag zone. Be polite, get the hell out, and let her waste someone else's time. >:
Amen. :rock

[Casey]

ya serious Jamesypoo! you needs to get out more hun! ur a great guy and i luv talkin to ya online every night for hours and hours on end, but these peeps r right - u should take a look outside adn see what the world has to offer!!! don't ignore me completely though hun take carez k!!

<3 Casey

PS: thanx for buying everything for me on my amazon.com wishlist!! ur the best!! *muah*!

PPS: oh... i'm sure u just haven't gotten round 2 it yet but ur payment for this month is late hun... ;)

[Professor Cool]

:lol

[James]

I've seen Casey's tits and vagina. She's nothing special.

[Protoclown]

:lol @ character

[brio]

Just enlighten me further on how this will help her get better, please. You saying that doing this is the best option, but how will this help her to feel better about herself and her life, so that she doesn't want to die?

Okay. I'm new here, just joined, and I think I may be able to bring a tad of clarity to this above quote (but if ya don't agree don't get nasty cos I'm the biggest bitch around lolol)

Right, firstly, people that talk about killing themselves never do. She wouldn't even have told you (evenn if you say you did pry) if she intended to go ahead and do enough to finish herself off because there's always the chance you could stop her by some means. Telling someone etc.
Secondly. Cutting yourself off, even if for a bit (but don't tell her you'll be back) WILL work. She's saying all this to you, and you're lapping it all up like a thirsty dog. In other words giving her the attention she craves, and by giving her the attention she will carry on saying what she does and it will end up damaging YOU. So by cutting yourself off she'll have no one to say those things to, so no one to feed from attention wise, so she'll find something else to do which will help her.

Alternatively, if cutting yourself off from her is something that just doesn't bear thinking about, don't indulge her if she says about it. She'll soon get bored.

[AChimp]

Right, firstly, people that talk about killing themselves never do. She wouldn't even have told you (evenn if you say you did pry) if she intended to go ahead and do enough to finish herself off because there's always the chance you could stop her by some means. Telling someone etc.
You are a fool.