The stupidest things you've ever heard. [Archive]

Jixby Phillips

Dec 26th, 2003, 05:16 AM

I was in highschool, and me and my friends were out bowling. Anyway, this redneck guy walks up to us. You could tell that he was being egged on by his redneck friends, for whatever reason, to come say something to us. So he walks up, like he's got something really clever and insulting to say. He sits down at the lane next next to ours, and taps my friend's shoulder. He says one of the most amazing things I've ever heard:

"If there was a yearbook, you'd be dumbass number 1, and you'd be dumbass number 2!"

He walks back to his group of friends.

Lets disect this statement "If there was a yearbook." What? A yearbook for what? The bowling alley? Or does he mean just in general? Did he, before walking over to burn us, convince himself that he invented the concept of a yearbook? Also, does this concept include a "Dumbass #1" and "Dumbass #2" title?

And the best thing about it, is that I got it on tape! I had a camcorder with me, and I taped him saying it! You can only hear the end of it, but his satisfied smile and nod before he walks away, finished with us, is forever captured on tape.

Fuck, I gotta find that tape.

SOMEBODY ELSE GO NOW

Ghost of Fraiser

Dec 26th, 2003, 05:36 AM

If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't of spent that last year in college :lol

But seriously, I got one of those failed insults, one time me, Professor Cool, our bassist friend Steve, and this other guy were eating at this resturaunt. This stupid White/Latino guy walks in with a guy who looked just like Hula-Hula from the Plasticman cartoon. Anywho, this guy hated us (he was a senior, we were sophomores)m anyhow we just ignored them until we walked past our table, he stopped turn to us and said this charming little ditty

"Should you fags be eating at a gay butt sex resturaunt" he turns back and his Hula-Hula a high five. We just starting laughing, hard. Sooner or later it pissed him of, he spitted in our direction and stormed off after one of the waitress's yelled at him for spitting.

What a wonderful, man.

NEXT TURN!

pissed off salesman

Dec 26th, 2003, 06:35 AM

One time when I was a junior, some fuckup in my biology class slammed his left hand in a locker until it was swollen, and bleeding. He then proceeded to class. He raised his pulpy blood gushing appendage and asked to be excused, but the teacher said to wait till we were dismissed. The dumbass then screamed at teh teacher "HEY, I DIDN'T FUCK UP MY OWN HAND FOR MY OWN HEALTH, BITCH!" he got expelled, and comitted to therapy for self-inflicted wounds!

The Retro Kat

Dec 26th, 2003, 12:27 PM

Out of no where this skater fella comes up to me and says "You can't skate on grass." Then he walked away. I later found this fella to be one of the most retarded peoples I've ever come across. Later that week he got caught smoking an carved out apple bong into his locker.

I'm boggled if he thought I was a poser skateboarder (which, wearing 2nd hand resale shop retro clothes, I don't think i look like one). Or if he was stating to me that he can't skate while he was under the influence of cannibas. Either way, it was random to involve me in that.

sadie

Dec 26th, 2003, 12:30 PM

when the older of my brothers got really, really angry as a kid, he'd scream, "YOU BALD-HEADED BISCUIT-EATER." it's always made me laugh, but i'm pretty sure it still qualifies as stupid.

Emu

Dec 26th, 2003, 12:34 PM

Mad Melvin

Dec 26th, 2003, 01:06 PM

There was this guy I use to know, who thought that babies come from womens ass. That would be understandable if the guy was like 8 years old or something, but he said that stupid thing when he was 15. 15!! How stupid can you get?!

glowbelly

Dec 26th, 2003, 01:09 PM

Rez

Dec 26th, 2003, 01:14 PM

the white trash next door used to yell at thier kids all the time. in the summer, it's all i heard (along with loud engine revving) because we kept our windows open as we don't have air conditioning.

the mommy actually said to her child:

"IF YOU HIT HIM I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS"

>:

they need a talkin' to.

not in that PTA-esque "we were concerned" crap

but a more humanitarian "YOU FUCKING BITCH" style.

i cant think of anything really, hobo renee saw cher on the today show, and when she tried to tell me what she said (i forgot) instead of saying

"cher said"

she said

"cher told me"

it's not stupid, but it's fabulous.

MrAdventure

Dec 26th, 2003, 01:15 PM

one time there was a blind black man in a wheelchair downtown and he asked for a quarter, and he was like, "god bless you," when my friend gave him a quarter. talk about dumb!

MrAdventure

Dec 26th, 2003, 01:18 PM

haha oh yeah and this other time a panhandler walked up to my friend's car while we were in it, and my friend gave him a cigarette when he asked for one, and he said, "that made my day." hahah i was like, "what a fag i bet he already has cancer"

glowbelly

Dec 26th, 2003, 01:19 PM

rez: the got thier "talkin to." they were evicted.

one time the bad ex and a couple of his friends and i were on our way to lollapalooza in columbus (WHERE I MET MIKE D AND DANCED ON STAGE WITH LUSCIOUS JACKSON). they were all fucked up on wine and weed and whippets (not ME ;)). anyways, we pulled off the highway to go pee at some weird truck stop and on our way out my boyfriend backed into some old guys car. the old guy got out of his car, came up to the window and yelled in the bad ex's face:

"I USED TO BE A PUNK JUST LIKE YOU, UNTIL I GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A RACECAR!"

then he got in his car and left.

MrAdventure

Dec 26th, 2003, 01:23 PM

ooo yeah and hey this one time i was sitting in my friend's room and we were watching a tv. my friend is like talking about his ex-roommate, saying, "you know why they can't make phone calls next door? it's because he spent the money i gave him for our phone bill on drugs and stuff!" and i was like, "aww man i could never trust that guy again"

MisSFiT

Dec 26th, 2003, 02:22 PM

I was in a discussion about something with my mom's boyfriend and as I was stating my opinion I said "Jesus Christ" and he used to be a preacher and got a little upset. Then after he told me not to say the Lords name in vane I told him that I didn't believe in God. He stormed off saying "Well, if that's the way you think then you should drop out of college!"
What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

And I remember when I was little my mom told me that if I ate my boogers my head would cave in.
What a dumbass.

EverythingWillSuck

Dec 26th, 2003, 02:26 PM

A couple of my friends were getting stoned/drunk, and one of them got up and said 'Goddamnit, you'd better smoke your fucking beer'

That still cracks me up

kellychaos

Dec 26th, 2003, 02:47 PM

Boogerhead! :lol

Drew Katsikas

Dec 26th, 2003, 04:48 PM

When my pal was little, he and his buddies whitewashed a kid (buried him in snow) and the kid ran away screaming

"I hate you guys, you sexy apes!"

:lol

AChimp

Dec 26th, 2003, 04:55 PM

I was waiting for the bus downtown once, when this drunk Native guy walked up to me and started harassing me for change. I gave him a couple nickels and pennies, but he was so plastered that he dropped them all.

Then, he looked at me and said, "You dropped my money, man." I was just like, "You want it, you pick it up."

Rather than picking it up, he decided to sit down on the bench and start sniffing some cottonballs that he had soaked in gas. Then he proceeded to show me the few teeth he had and complain about the Chinese dentist he had gone to. He did a few demonstrations of how the dentist pulled one of his teeth. Then he slobbered all over everything and tried to touch me.

The best part was yet to come, though.

Him: "Hmm... you think you could dance with wolves, boy?"
Me: "Probably not."
Him: "I didn't think so either."

EverythingWillSuck

Dec 26th, 2003, 06:20 PM

Him: "Hmm... you think you could dance with wolves, boy?"
Me: "Probably not."
Him: "I didn't think so either."

:/

Perndog

Dec 26th, 2003, 06:32 PM

"It's nice of Michelle Branch to help out a new band like Santana by singing on their record." - 15 year old girl >:

Drew Katsikas

Dec 26th, 2003, 06:50 PM

A couple of my friends were getting stoned/drunk, and one of them got up and said 'Goddamnit, you'd better smoke your fucking beer'

That still cracks me up
I always use the phrase "smoking beer" with my pals, a sorta stupid inside joke. Michelobes are the best to smoke, according to us. We even made up lyrics for a heartbreak hotel kind of alchol/tobbaco song.

Since Marlboro went outta buisness
I found a new smoke to smoke
It's not exactly tobbacco
But it's definetley Micheolbe
I got the Skoooooaaal.
I got my Skoal and miceolbe!!

Yeah. :( [/i]

crash0814

Dec 26th, 2003, 06:57 PM

Two friends of mine videotaped themselves harassing a group of little kids. I felt bad for the kids, but it was still pretty funny.

Little Kid: I know your mommy!
Jeremy (my friend): You know diddly shit!

But anyway, one of the kids took off his shoe, put it on a stick, and began to wave it while chanting, "This is my shoe! This is my shoe! This is my shoe!"

I didn't feel bad for him after that.

Mr. Vagiclean

Dec 26th, 2003, 07:11 PM

Me and my friends have this expression called the battleface, it's just simply going up to a talkative person in the class and making the most AGGRESSIVE face you can make followed by a groaning or growling noise while you violently shake your head up and down

you just have to remember to scream out stupid shit like "BATTLE FACE!" or any word that implies combat + face

Once a friend o mine decided to try that to a hot girl talking about some fuckin shopping habits. Well he got nervous :lol while he was about to scream out "HECTIC FACE" he accidentally shot his disturbing amount of saliva on to that pretty face. I just asked the teacher for a bathroom pass right after that :(

noob3

Dec 26th, 2003, 08:14 PM

what the fuck, man. no we didnt eat the ballons, dude.

MisSFiT

Dec 26th, 2003, 08:33 PM

"I hate you guys, you sexy apes!"

:lol :lol :lol

THAT WAS GREAT!

Supafly345

Dec 26th, 2003, 10:30 PM

"Who was it that sang 'American Woman' guys? The Beatles?"

Anonymous

Dec 26th, 2003, 10:34 PM

When I was 8 or so, this guy and his wife were harassing me and my friends for jumping on the jumpy-bridge on a playground cause their daughter wanted to walk across it. So, the father went to grab me and I went down the slide. He went to throw my friend off the bridge and he just said 'Don't touch me.' Or something.

After that dude tried to grab me I said, "Do you want to love me?" and later his wife said, "How old are you, four?" I said, "What are you, two?" She put her hands on her face in mock-surprise and said, "Yes! And I'm so much more mature than you!" I mimicked the expression and tone and said, "And you're a triple-headed vagina beast!"

Yeah.

camacazio

Dec 26th, 2003, 11:05 PM

"Why don't they close banks for father's day?"

Zomboid

Dec 27th, 2003, 02:30 AM

One time at football I said something like "Wow...the sun looks weird today. Just stare directly at it and you'll see what I mean" while one of the dumbest guys I've ever met was next to me and after staring for about 3 seconds he said "Ow!"

At an earlier practice he asked which way is left >:

Protoclown

Dec 27th, 2003, 11:35 AM

My freshman year of college me and some friends were playing in a Mage: The Ascension role-playing game (warning: geek humor) and one of the guys in the game had his character disguise himself as a woman to remain incognito while some bad guys were trying to find and kill us.

Well one day we were eating in Taco Bell and talking about the game, and my friend Matt had an annoying habit of saying everything VERY loudly. At one point during the conversation he goes "It's a good thing I'm disguised as a woman!" and every single person in that restaurant heard him, turned and looked, and either started snickering or nervously tried to ignore our group for the rest of the time we were there.

Mad Melvin

Dec 27th, 2003, 11:55 AM

I had a friend like that too. Everytime he explained something and got really excited, he would start to talk louder and louder. I remember one time at the school cafeteria, he started talking about some new first person shooter. He talked louder and louder and finally shout out: "...AND THATS WHEN I TOOK MY SHOTGUN AND BLEW THE MONSTERS HEAD OFF! BLAM BLAM!!" everything was quiet after that for a few seconds and then everyone in the cafeteria started laughing. I have never seen a face so red as my friend had that day.

MisSFiT

Dec 27th, 2003, 01:20 PM

Hopefully that was before the Columbine incident. :/

Rongi

Dec 27th, 2003, 02:32 PM

When I was 12 I went to this fancy shmancy art camp that was outdoors and all the lil classes where in huts. And all the counclers where real blow hards and took their jobs really seriously. Me and my friends where sitting at the lunch talking and someone started cursing at the table really loud and we told him to shut up. So this really dumb, drunk, heavy looking councler comes up all tough looking and serious, like he was the drill sergant from Full Metal Jacket, and he starts yelling at the kid who said shut up instead of the kid who was cursing. The kid who was trying to tell the other one to shut up tried to tell him what really happened but the guy, with drool on his chin and a dumb looking cap on his head that was too short for him, said this:

"I'm not as dumb as I look"

All of us started laughing so hard that I started crying and I almost popped a blood vessel in my neck.

WorthlessLiar

Dec 28th, 2003, 02:19 AM

I was flipping through channels at my friend's house when we were both 14. Eventually we landed on MTV and Marylin Manson was on. My friend who at the time was incredibly sheltered looked over at his dad's CD collection (full of the usual adult music: classic rock, oldies, classical) and remarked with utmost seriousness "I wonder if my dad has any Marylin Manson CDs."

Matt Harty

Dec 28th, 2003, 12:19 PM

"I was flipping through channels at my friend's house when we were both 14. Eventually we landed on MTV and Marylin Manson was on. My friend who at the time was incredibly sheltered looked over at his dad's CD collection (full of the usual adult music: classic rock, oldies, classical) and remarked with utmost seriousness 'Iwonder if my dad has any Marylin Manson CDs.'"

Daphne

Dec 28th, 2003, 01:10 PM

My friend Vida (who is jewish) was talking about the Holocaust with her (idiot) boyfriend's twin brother (who clearly got all the brains) when suddenly her boyfriend pipes up with 'You know....Hitler, was like....A *really* mean guy!'

My brother also thought the Violent Femmes did a song called 'Twister in the Sun'

Spooky

Dec 28th, 2003, 03:18 PM

your brother also thought my penis was a lollipop

Mike

Dec 28th, 2003, 05:16 PM

Two little kids were arguing about whether or not orange was a real color. The older one said "Oh yeah? Well what do you know? I was alive before you were even born!"

sadie

Dec 28th, 2003, 06:01 PM

lol@twister.

my ex used to think that "i love beach music" song said "our love beats music."

Ghost of Fraiser

Dec 28th, 2003, 06:04 PM

http://www.angelfire.com/apes2/captainnemo/cos.jpg

Rongi

Dec 28th, 2003, 07:04 PM

"I USED TO BE A PUNK JUST LIKE YOU, UNTIL I GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A RACECAR!"

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard :lol

Command Prompt

Dec 29th, 2003, 02:19 AM

http://pub175.ezboard.com/fimockerygeneralblabber.showMessageRange?topicID=1 1850.topic&start=1&stop=20

I felt dirty doing that.

And I was the last one to post in that thread too! Ahhh memories >:

Bestrest

Dec 29th, 2003, 03:29 AM

When i was 7 yrs old, A boy from my class got insulted by anything and says:

You are a Lesbian!!!!!1!

But the fact is, I am, becouse i'm a man..

Jixby Phillips

Dec 29th, 2003, 06:24 AM

my ex used to think that "i love beach music" song said "our love beats music."

Excuse me while I kiss this guy! :lol

mburbank

Dec 29th, 2003, 10:33 AM

Reverend Bluejeans

Comrade Rocket

Dec 29th, 2003, 07:25 PM

Once me and my friend Mat were walking out of this one class. My friend Mat had recently dyed his hair Blue. While walking out we came across this kid named Brullo. He is one of those kids who thinks he's Mr. Cool but in reality everyone hates him and the only person who hangs out with him is his cousin. In any case while leaving the classroom Brullo goes, "Hey Mat, why did you dye your hair that color, you look like an idiot." Mat was quiet without an insult to strike back with. So I stepped in and said, "its better than looking like a rat." Were Brullo responds, "At least I don't look like Jon Bon Jovi." Needless to say we just left him there.

There was also this other time with Mat were this very White kid who thought he was black and was with the Crips, didn't show up to school. While the other kids were coming up with reasons why he didn't show, Mat says very loudly, "MAYBE HE'S OUT CAPPING ******S." The class got very quiet, and Mat was asked to leave. Then when he came back he started talking about Pedophiles, even I had to leave his alone with that.